by D. E. Morris
She walked the same path she had just weeks ago, noticing where snow still tried to cling to life and where grass had already begun to sprout. How she reveled in the beauty of her garden when she had her Element. Flying had been a blissful escape, but being surrounded by nothing but nature had been inexplicably euphoric. As she walked now, however, it seemed like little more than a half-frozen garden. It was a numb realization that it was because she no longer drew power from it, or it from her. They were now two separate beings, no longer thriving off one another.
All the damage she had done before, tearing at the ground and the plants, had been masterfully taken care of by her gardeners. If one should walk through, there would be no indication of her rampage that night. Even the bushes by her cherished roses had been pruned and cut back to appear as little more than saplings. Ashlynn looked them over with a knot of regret in her throat, then turned to her dormant roses. With a soft sigh, she lowered herself to the cold stone bench beside them and lifted her chin, her eyes on the stars in the clear sky above her. For a few minutes she sat, still as a statue, her mind completely blank but for the sorrow that was always there. Soon, however, she took a deep breath and frowned into the darkness, saying, “You can come out now.”
There was no sound, no movement anywhere around her until Killian stepped onto the path, his face hidden in shadow. Ashlynn hardly glanced at him but moved over on the bench. “You might as well sit. I don't plan on going in anytime soon.”
Wordless, Killian stepped from the shadows and walked around her. He shifted the sword at his side so he could sit as instructed, but did not look at her or offer any sort of explanation for his presence. Ashlynn, understood now that he wouldn't speak until spoken to first, and asked, “Are you my keeper now?”
A small and fleeting smile tugged at the corners of his lips. “I was charged with looking after you.”
She gave a dry, humorless laugh. When Cavalon seemed to be nearby at all times, Ashlynn knew he'd either volunteered to watch over her in Jaryn's stead or had been asked to. What amused her, despite her anger over her husband's choosing to leave, was that he knew her well enough to realize she would not always operate under Cavalon's watchful eye. It also explained why her guards chose not to fight her when she told them to stay put. They knew she would be protected even if she did not know it herself. Why Jaryn chose Killian, however, was beyond her.
They sat in silence for a while, neither of them making a sound but for the softness of their breathing. Part of Ashlynn kept telling her to say something, to fill the awkward stillness around them, but a bigger part of her simply didn't care. She had no reason to feel uncomfortable and couldn't bring herself to be concerned whether or not Killian did. As long as he didn't offer advice, or kind words, or condolences, anything at all like she'd been hearing incessantly for the past few days, she could deal with him being there.
When the anxious part of her could be ignored no longer, Ashlynn looked past Killian to the rose bush and recalled what had taken place that night he'd found her here. Just like now, he'd appeared out of nowhere and stopped her from making a mistake she was sure to regret.
“How do you know about my roses?”
Killian lowered his eyes from the sky above and looked at her with question. “Your Majesty?”
“The night I came out here and you caught me...you stopped me and said you had heard the story of my rosebushes.”
He nodded and returned his gaze skyward. “Everyone in the kingdom knows it, I am certain. When a woman receives a pink rose from her sweetheart, it is said to mean it will be a love to last the ages.”
“Wow.”
“You should hear some of the ballads that have been written.”
Ashlynn laughed and shook her head. “No, thank you. As if there isn't enough pressure on our marriage as it is.”
“I think it is not to add pressure but that people see how well you and your husband love each other. It is a romance one sees rarely in our time.”
“What they see is what we want them to see and nothing more. They aren't privy to what happens behind the castle walls, thank heavens.”
Silence settled around them again, though it was slightly more comfortable. When words did break the quiet again it was Killian to speak first. He sighed as if burdened and linked his hands together in his lap. As he turned his head to look at Ashlynn, his thick brows were drawn together and there was sorrow in his eyes. “I am truly sorry for your loss.”
She screamed on the inside, never wanting to hear those words again. Outwardly, however, she nodded her thanks and asked, “Does everyone in the kingdom know?” When he gave no answer she grimaced. “I will take that as a yes, then. Wonderful. I can only imagine the rumors.”
“We have done our best to discredit them and let people know the truth.”
“And what is the truth?” Her question was biting. “That I was unable to protect my children...the children of my friends who were here for a celebration? That the Giver allowed my home to be invaded, the illusion of my safety and that of my family to be dissolved yet again? What exactly is the truth, Killian, because I don't think I even know it myself?” He said nothing for a moment, giving Ashlynn time to collect herself. She shook her head, that familiar anxiety making her heart race even as she fought against it.
“The truth,” Killian finally answered, “is that evil men sought to destroy your sense of security, and because of it, terrible things happened. Lives were lost, your child's among them, and no one could have stopped it. No one blames you for what happened to you. No one would dare.”
“I could have fought harder.”
“And you could have been slain for your efforts.” Killian looked upon her as if angered. “The outcry from your people has been nothing but love and sorrow for what you have been through. They do not point fingers at you and you should not point one at yourself.”
Tears pricked behind her eyes but did not fall as she wrapped her arms around herself. “I just wish Jaryn was here.” To that, Killian had no response. He only swallowed and looked at the ground. Ashlynn held her breath and closed her eyes, squeezing them shut as she had outside the door to the sitting room, as though the simple act could squeeze out everything she was feeling. It only managed to make it worse, to let her be acutely aware of every emotion that swirled through her, fighting for prevalence among her thoughts until she thought she would explode. She'd kept it all inside for so long that it was eating away at her, a slow poison that leaked into everything else in her and made her feel worthless.
“I don't know who I am anymore.” The confession was spoken so softly that she wasn't sure her words had even been spoken aloud, yet something inside her shifted and she knew just giving voice to that one truth she'd been wrestling with was only the beginning of what was to come. “My entire adult life I have had specific needs to fill...roles to play. I was a secret assassin who would slay the Red King, then I was the warrior queen who would lead her people into battle. I became the guardian and the protector when all was said and done, making sure we rebuilt and reconnected, then I was a mother and a wife.” Her nose crinkled. “Somewhere in the middle of it all I became a fantastic liar, too. I learned to share only certain things and keep everything else to myself, to let people believe what I wanted them to believe.” She was disgusted with it all, her lip curling. “When I left Oceana I knew what I was leaving to do. I knew Tadhg had to die, but I never dreamed his death would be the start of a whole different battle. I didn't know that I would lose so much to him even after he was gone. He follows me everywhere and torments me, reminds me each and every time I fail.” She made a sound that sounded like a sob mixed with a laugh. “How he celebrates over the death of my child.”
“Your Majesty...”
“I have lost myself, Killian. I think when I almost died that night, the woman I was supposed to be went back into the ground with her Element, because all I see when I look at myself in the mirror is a stranger. I am no strong, rebelli
ous queen - no competent warrior. I am certainly no longer the Elemental Dragon of Earth if I cannot even summon fyre anymore.” She exhaled a shaky breath, feeling herself deflate as though letting go of all of her secrets had left her just a shell. Rubbing a hand over her face, she whispered, “I'm so tired of hiding. I'm just so tired.”
“And in that you show your strength,” Killian insisted. “There are not many, man or woman, that could share all that and yet not shed a single tear.”
“I have no more tears left in me. Say that I am dramatic if you will, but I feel I've cried enough for ten lifetimes in the past four days alone. I'm worn out.”
“I would believe it.”
A cloud drifted lazily across the moon, splintering its light and drawing their attention. For the time being, they were content to watch the show above them. It conjured memories of the night Jessiah revealed his true self. He had been terribly angry at her for switching places with Mairead. She was supposed to have been in that carriage, he told her, left weak and defeated, vulnerable, but he was prepared with a back up plan. There was no time to call for help, or to even question how he knew where she was among the secret passages that wove through Altaine. He stuck her with a needle-sharp reed and drove something into her blood that made her lose all ability to move or even make a sound. Slung over his shoulder, he carried her from the castle using the tunnels she had always felt safe in.
The moon had been as thin as this one and she remembered wondering if she would ever see it full again. “Sometimes I wonder...if I had known that would be my last night as an Elemental...if I would have done things differently. I often replay the entire night from beginning to end to see if it might have concluded in another way. I still don't know who pulled me from the vines that night and I hope I never do. There is already bitterness there and I would hate to direct it toward anyone in particular.”
Killian turned his head in her direction. “What vines?”
“When I was knocked from the machine Jessiah had me connected to, I was laying on the ground, completely incapable of moving. I felt myself dying and was almost glad of it...but then the earth around me began to move. Vines crawled up over my legs and my arms, my middle, turning any flesh they touched to wood. A little flower grew and bloomed in my hand and I could feel life within each minute movement. I watched that tiny flower unfold in my grasp and then that was it. When I awoke next, the vines were gone and I felt more depleted than when I was dying.” She looked down. “In the stillness when I wake up in the middle of the night, dreaming of that moment, it is hard for me not to blame whoever pulled me from the vines for the loss of my power.”
“You believe your element was trying to save you?”
She nodded. “In my heart I do. I believe it could have.”
Understanding dawned on his face. “That was why you were out here that night. You were hoping for a similar reaction from the earth.”
“And you saw my embarrassing tantrum when that didn't happen.” She watched him as he tried to understand what it all meant.
“Does that mean the prince is the new Elemental?”
“It must, though I have questioned his nannies relentlessly and none claim to have seen a change in him.” Her lips curved into a frown. “When there is a transfer of power among us, it is not a quiet thing. They would have seen something wrong with him. At least...I would hope so. Now I question how attentive they are.” She growled. “If only I hadn't let Jessiah get so close.”
Killian bowed his head. “I am sorry for any pain my being here has caused.”
His words were quiet, but Ashlynn felt regret in them. She swallowed hard, knowing she had treated him poorly since the first time they had met. Her hatred ran so deep for Jessiah that a face so similar evoked terrible emotions and thoughts within her. It hadn't been fair. She hadn't been fair.
“It has been hard,” she admitted at length, “but it has also been getting easier. Jessiah was false, something I sensed from the beginning. He hid behind charm and a smile, thinking his smooth words would win over anyone, and it might have had I not looked close enough. He was weak when his mouth wasn't moving, but you are strong in silence. You are humble and selfless, and I can tell your heart is good. You are nothing like the man who looked so like you, and I have done you a great disservice by treating you the way I have.” For the first time since he'd taken the spot on the bench beside her, she looked at him. “Could you ever forgive me for how terrible I have been?”
He lifted his head to meet her eyes, holding her gaze a moment before dipping his head again in a bow of respect. “There is nothing to apologize for, Your Majesty. I, myself, am not a big enough man that I would have reacted any differently, should our roles have been reversed.”
“You are too kind. Truly. I don't deserve to be forgiven so easily.” She watched the tiny smile flicker across his lips, making her smile herself. “You don't smile enough, Killian. I'm glad you have Rowan to take that somber look off your face from time to time. It's impossible to be sour around her, I think.” Breathing deeply, Ashlynn laughed lightly. “That girl...I love her so. There are times, especially before we knew of you, that I pretended she was my own.”
Killian's smile grew and he nodded. “She loves you just as well. I think you've become the mother she always wanted.”
“How did she come to you, if you don't mind my asking?”
“Ask anything you like, if only it will keep you from feeling so hopeless. I knew Nealie years ago, long before Rowan was born. She and I met when we were younger.”
Ashlynn quirked a brow. “Was there a romance?”
“No. We met not long after my brother had passed. The sting of that loss was still too fresh and I was too young to think of things like that. We were friends, however briefly we knew each other. She spent a great deal of her time at the capital and I never really lived there. We had a modest farm a few miles away where my father bred and trained horses. She happened to be wandering one day and found me out in the field tending our cattle.” He scratched his beard. “I cannot remember how we became friends, only that we did. I think she filled a bit of the hole left by the death of my brother.”
“You said the friendship was brief?”
He nodded. “Brief and sporadic. Nealie showed up only when she wanted to and only for as long as she wanted to. The greatest amount of time I spent with her was...” He looked up in thought. “...maybe nineteen, twenty years ago. It was when Tadhg began his quest for world domination in earnest. Laws were being passed against Gaels, that if they were found in Caedia they could be hunted and slain. Once he conquered Ibays in his search for the Elementals and the law was enacted there as well, a secret army was formed.”
Ashlynn's eyes widened, but she stayed silent; this was not the first she had heard of a secret army.
“We were a group of men and women sympathetic to the Gaels and all the other magical creatures that were quickly becoming extinct.” Pausing, Killian worked at the thin leather strappings keeping the ends of his sleeves tight against his left wrist. When he was able, he pulled the sleeve back to reveal a tattoo that took Ashlynn's breath away. “This is the mark of the Keeper.”
Ashlynn took his wrist to bring it closer, running her finger over the trinity knot and the heart woven within. It was the exact same design as the brooch that had been given to her by the mysterious woman who had come to her after the fight on the Isle of Contest. When she could find her voice, she asked, “How did you come by this design?”
“One of Nealie's two companions came up with it, actually.” Ashlynn realized she still had a hold on Killian and let him go. He smiled passively and looked at his tattoo. “The three loop knot represents the triune of the Great Dragon: Father, Son, and Spirit. The heart represents His love. It was worked into the knot to show that His love, like Him, has no beginning and no end.”
“Nealie's companion, the one who came up with it...can you tell me about her? Him?”
“Her.” Killian sh
rugged as he pulled his sleeve back down. “She was beautiful...thin and small. I wrote in the journals I kept that she was like a faery woman.”
Ashlynn's stomach flipped and she automatically thought of the strange woman. “Blonde?” When he nodded, excitement bubbled up within her. “Soft spoken? Kind? Gentle? Startlingly blue eyes?”
Killian was nodding along to each question until the last; there he paused. “I think her eyes were greenish. ”
“Green?” Ashlynn flinched back in confusion. The woman who came to her had blue eyes, she was absolutely sure of it. “Are you certain?”
“I may be remembering incorrectly, it is certainly possible. I haven't read through my journals in some time and they were likely destroyed when my home was. I do remember her beauty, though.” He tilted his head. “Actually, now that I think of it...she looked quite a lot...like you.”
There was a breath of wonder in his voice, but Ashlynn couldn't concentrate for all the thoughts that now jumbled themselves in her head. Her breathing quickened as she sorted through the details that put themselves together, the only conclusion she could come to making her pulse race. “Who was the other companion? What did they look like?”
Once more Killian had to think, his eyes narrowing. “He never gave his name, unfortunately.”
“Did he...” She cleared her throat, her voice coming out in a croak. “Did he have blonde hair as well, pale like Kenayde's?”
Killian's brows elevated in surprise. “I believe he may have, yes. How did you know?”
She couldn't sit still and rose, walking a few steps away with her hands over her mouth. Where tears would not form or fall before, they came freely now. This time, however, they were not tears of sorrow but of joy. Killian got to his feet as well, at a loss over her reaction. “Your Majesty?”