by Jill Kemerer
“Yay!” Noah yelled.
“Let’s go rent skates.” Ryder grabbed a few napkins to clean up the girls.
Harper held her arms up for Eden to carry her, and Eden smiled radiantly as she obliged. Mason’s sister-in-law was a natural with children. She loved them and they loved her. With her long brown hair and dark brown eyes, she was very pretty and very quiet. Mason seemed close to her.
Why wouldn’t he be close to her? The woman babysat his child.
Brittany shrugged her arms into her winter coat with a touch too much force. Had he and Eden ever had a romantic connection?
What did she care about Mason’s romantic life? It was none of her business. After all, she was a career gal. Not ranch wife material.
Ryder carried Ivy, and Mason hauled Noah into his arms.
Everyone held a child but her. She might as well wear a sign with Single and Childless on it. But Eden wasn’t married, either. She didn’t have kids. Brittany glanced her way. Why hadn’t she rounded up one of the cowboys Lois had mentioned?
What is your problem, Brit? You are a career gal. You don’t want to be a ranch wife. None of this bothered you before yesterday.
As they neared the door, the crowd pushed her closer to Mason.
“I didn’t peg you for the ice-skating type.” She looked up at him, trying to keep her tone teasing.
“There are a lot of things you don’t know about me, Brittany.” They reached the exit. He waited for her to go through it.
“You’re right.” There were ten years of things she didn’t know about him. And right now she wanted those years back. Wanted to know more.
Outside, she stared in wonder. Rendezvous was decked out for the holidays. It was the first time she’d ever been in such a winter wonderland at Christmastime. Centennial Street was closed to traffic. Street vendors sold hot chocolate, barbecue sandwiches, fries and funnel cakes. Signs pointed to the city park for ice-skating, live reindeer and sleigh rides.
“This is amazing!” She stuck her hat on her head and put on her gloves. “Okay, fill me in. What else don’t I know about you? What do you do for fun?”
He seemed surprised and at a loss for words. Then he forged ahead. “I don’t have much time for fun.”
“Me neither.” She took in the families strolling around town, the folks on horseback, the teenagers throwing snow at each other. “But we used to, didn’t we? Every summer was an adventure.”
“I suppose you’re right.” His gaze was riveted on her.
“Let’s have a good time. For one afternoon, at least.”
She didn’t care if he argued or wanted to play the who-has-less-time-for-fun game. She might never have another Christmas like this—out in the snow at a festival with an old friend, a new friend and three cute kids. She might as well enjoy it.
But as she glanced up at him, she knew she was fooling herself if she thought this was just a Christmas memory waiting to be made. The more time she spent with Mason and Noah, the more time she wanted to spend with them.
Last night, she’d felt out of place, so she’d spent time observing him. There was tension between him and his in-laws, but she didn’t know why. They were all close—it was obvious—but something wasn’t right.
What she’d noticed the most, though, was the constant sadness underneath Mason’s handsome, kind exterior. He tried to hide it—in fact, he hid it well—but it was there. How she wanted to wrap him in her arms and tell him he didn’t have to be sad.
But how could she say it when it wasn’t true?
He’d lost his wife. The sadness would likely always be there.
They rounded the corner and the skating rink came into view.
Who could compete with the beautiful, caring wife he’d lost? It wasn’t as if she wanted to. She was going back to California in less than a week. It was what she wanted.
Wasn’t it?
What did she really want out of life?
“Come on,” Ryder called back to them. “I see the line for the skate rental.”
* * *
Spending all this time with Brittany—having fun with her—was a big mistake. Because it only reminded him of old times.
The skating rink brought him back to a different old time, however—one with his wife. Ever since he’d laced up, he’d been fighting off memories of Mia. They’d ice-skated at Christmas Fest on more than one occasion. She’d clung to him, laughing, admiring him, and he hadn’t realized how special it had made him feel until she was gone.
Focus on your son.
Mason held one of Noah’s hands and Brittany held the other as they skated around the edge of the outdoor rink. Ryder and Harper were skating toward the center, while Eden and Ivy hugged the railing as they made their way around.
“Faster, Daddy!” Noah’s skates barely touched the ice. He’d been stumbling so often, Mason had gotten used to keeping the kid upright.
“This is fast enough, buckaroo.” He was glad Noah separated him from Brittany. He didn’t want to be near her right now. Not with Mia’s memories pummeling his heart.
“You’re pretty good at this.” Brittany shot Mason a grin. “You must have some practice on skates.”
“It’s not my first time at Christmas Fest.” He noticed Brittany was as graceful ice-skating as she was at everything else. Her life as a dancer had prepared her well.
“Is this something you and your wife used to do?” Her question held no undercurrents, but he didn’t want to respond. If he did, he might start talking and not be able to stop, and then where would he be?
He had the feeling it wouldn’t take much for him to snap. The best-case scenario if that happened would be him ranting about how unfair it was Mia had died. The worst-case scenario? He’d have a complete emotional breakdown in front of the entire town.
He had to stay strong.
“Yes, we did.” His tone left no room for further discussion. Emotion tightened his throat, and though skating wasn’t taxing for him, he found it difficult to breathe.
“Is this hard for you?” She took the turn smoothly.
He swallowed the emotion jamming his throat and gave her a sidelong glance. Her brilliant blue eyes held curiosity and sympathy. Against his better judgment, he nodded.
“Why don’t you take a break and let Noah and I go by ourselves for a few minutes?”
He didn’t bother protesting. He did need a break.
“Come on, Noah. We’ll drop your daddy off at the bench.”
“But I like skating with both of you.” His face screwed into a pout.
“I’ll go fast,” she said. “Maybe your daddy will take some pictures of you.”
“Will you, Daddy?” He brightened. “Take a picture of me going real fast!”
“You got it.” Mason could barely get out the words. Why was he choked up here of all places? He let go of Noah’s hand. “I’ll be right over there if you need me.” He skated away before he could change his mind.
Finding an empty spot on a bench, he tried to calm the turmoil in his heart.
This was supposed to be a fun day for Noah. Something enjoyable to do with Ryder and the twins. A way to get in the Christmas spirit. It was not supposed to trigger all the grief bottled inside him.
And it definitely wasn’t supposed to include Brittany.
But he was sure glad she’d joined them.
For some reason, he couldn’t imagine her not being here. His gaze found her in the crowd. She held both Noah’s hands in hers as she easily skated backward. They’d gravitated toward the center of the rink, and her animated face had captivated his son. The boy beamed at her. Mason could hear his giggles all the way over here.
She glided effortlessly. All that long blond hair swayed under her stocking cap. Her face glowed as she talked to Noah, and his son was equally absorbed in their discussio
n.
Mason fumbled in his pocket and slid out his phone. He rarely took pictures. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to; he just never thought of taking them. And this expression—this moment—Mason wanted to capture, because the pure joy on his little boy’s face needed to be preserved forever.
He took several pictures, trying to avoid getting Brittany in the shot, but not always succeeding. Then he snapped photos of Ryder and Harper, of Eden and Ivy, and when he’d finished, he slid the phone back in his pocket to sit with his thoughts.
He hadn’t realized how hard it would be to come here without Mia. He hadn’t been here since she’d died. Last year a snowstorm had canceled the outdoor events, and the previous year, Noah had been too young to come.
“Noah, skate with us!” Harper yelled, waving.
Brittany crouched to talk to Noah. His son nodded, then held her hand as they skated to Ryder and Harper. Seconds later, Brittany stood in front of him.
“Come on.” She held out her hand. “You must be cold.”
Part of him wanted to take it and skate with her. The other part couldn’t handle it.
He took her hand and yanked her down to sit next to him. She let out a shriek.
“You scared me! I thought I was going to fall.” She smiled, stretched out her legs, pointed each skate, then tucked them under the bench. “Did you get some pictures?”
“I did.” His throat sounded and felt like an old dirt road. “Thanks for taking him around.”
“It was fun. He’s such a sweet little boy.” Her tone sounded wistful.
Hmm...if he wasn’t mistaken, she really liked his son.
“Mason?”
“Yeah.”
“What was Mia like?” She shifted to see him better.
Had the wind been knocked out of him? He closed his eyes, surprised at how intense his body was reacting to a simple question. How could he answer it?
Mia was the calm after a storm, light on morning dewdrops, a safe place to land.
Man, the backs of his eyes stung.
“She was special.” He choked on the words.
Brittany put her arm around his shoulders and leaned her cheek against his arm. “I’m sorry she died. I’m sorry you lost her. I’m sorry you have to raise Noah without her.”
Trying to suppress tears, he blinked again and again, and finally wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
“Me, too.” He turned to her then and nodded.
“Do you talk about her much?” The compassion in her eyes pulled him in.
“No.”
“You can, you know. It’s okay. It might help.”
“It won’t. She’s gone. Talking won’t bring her back.”
“I know. It might preserve her for you, though.” She averted her gaze. Her feet began sliding back and forth under the bench. “When I was in college, I was determined to forget you. Every time I thought of you, my heart hurt so bad, I thought putting it into a meat grinder would be easier. My roommate, Ally, got mad at me one day and told me she didn’t know what my problem was, but whatever I was doing wasn’t working. Then she threw a pillow at my head. And I hurled it right back at hers. We called a truce and sat side by side with our knees tucked to our chests as we ate cheese puffs. I started telling her about meeting you at the tire swing each summer. The way we’d splash in the creek. How you taught me how to ride a horse. The dances I choreographed and dragged you into. And slowly, it didn’t hurt as much.”
“You missed me?” He’d always assumed she’d forgotten about him the instant she left Rendezvous. That her college days had been so fun, she hadn’t thought about him one bit.
“What kind of question is that?” She nudged him with her elbow. “Of course I missed you. You were my best friend. I... I cared about you very much. I can’t tell you how many letters I wrote to you.”
“I never got any.”
“You wouldn’t have. I crumpled them up and threw them in the trash.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
He did. In one week, he’d practically forgotten about his decade-long grudge.
How long would it take before he forgot Mia, too?
Brittany shrugged. “I’m just saying talking about the good times hurts less than trying to forget them.”
“I’m not trying to forget. I’m trying to hold on to them.” The words she’d said made sense, but he didn’t trust the concept. Maybe he was lying to himself.
“Then talk about them, write them down, remember them.”
“It’s too hard.” He ducked his chin.
“You’re the toughest cowboy I know. Why not start small. How did you propose to her?”
“You really want to do this?” He searched her expression for any hint of insincerity. He saw nothing but gentleness. And the weird thing? He ached to talk about Mia.
“Yeah, I do.”
“I proposed to her on a mild day in June. She and I went horseback riding on her family’s ranch. They have a neat little picnic spot on the north end of the property. It’s on the river, real close to the mountains. I was a nervous wreck. I’d patted my pocket no less than fifty times after dismounting. Mia kept asking me if something was wrong. I had it all planned—I was going to guide her to the river, pretend to see a big trout, get on my knee and propose.”
He shook his head. Brittany’s smile distracted him momentarily.
“Go on.” She made a rolling gesture with her hand. “What went wrong?”
“The riverbank was slick, and my boot sunk into it. Mia was grabbing my shoulder, yelling for me not to fall in, and I lost my balance. Fell backward onto my behind.”
She chuckled.
“It worked out better that way,” he said. “I tugged her onto my lap and begged her to marry me.”
“I’m sure it didn’t take much begging,” she said softly.
“It didn’t.”
The rest of that day replayed in his mind, and he relaxed. It had been one of the best days of his life. For the first time in ages, he could picture Mia exactly the way she’d looked that day.
“Thank you.” He shifted to face Brittany.
“Daddy! Daddy!” Noah called from the ice. “Watch this!”
Eden lightly held his hand as he attempted to skate, then she let go, and he skated a few steps on his own before she grabbed hold of him again. Laughing, they made their way over to the bench.
“You did it! You skated by yourself.” Mason wrapped Noah into a big hug. “Good job.”
“I did!”
Ryder was slowly skating toward them. He held Harper’s hand, and Harper held Ivy’s hand. He was talking on his cell phone, and from the look on his face, he wasn’t happy.
“Relocate? It’s out of the country. No way. I can’t believe you would be this selfish.” The vein in Ryder’s forehead throbbed. “I’ve got to go.” He hung up the phone.
“I’d be happy to take the girls for a hot cocoa if you get another phone call.” Eden gave him a pointed glare. The twins were holding each other’s hands tightly and seemed ready to cry.
His mouth thinned to a fine line. “This doesn’t concern you.”
Hurt flashed in Eden’s eyes before she turned away.
“Hot cocoas are a great idea.” Brittany stood and addressed the children. “I want extra marshmallows in mine.”
“Me, too!” All three joined in the chorus.
Once again, she’d diffused a tense situation. Mason was beginning to think it wouldn’t be so bad for Brittany to be around for good.
But who was he kidding? There wasn’t anything here to make her stay.
* * *
Today had raised a lot of questions.
A little after nine o’clock that evening, Brittany tapped her cell phone against her leg. She and Nan had eaten barbecue
sandwiches they’d brought home from Christmas Fest for dinner while watching A Charlie Brown Christmas on television. They’d talked about Nan’s childhood and how much she’d enjoyed moving into this house as a bride with Brittany’s grandpa. Nan went into great detail about how they scraped together the money to buy furniture. Half an hour ago, Nan had yawned and promptly went to bed.
Being here all week had painted a more complete picture of Nan’s health than Brittany could’ve previously envisioned. Sure, the woman had an odd reluctance to shower. She forgot what she was doing before she left a room. She napped her way through the day. But she also ate the meals Brittany placed in front of her, and she remembered her past in vivid detail.
Time was growing short. Christmas Eve was Tuesday—only three days away—and Brittany was going back to California the day after Christmas. She needed to make decisions about Nan’s future soon. Would Nan allow an aide to come over a few times a week? What if her health got worse? What was she going to do about the whole power of attorney thing?
Maybe Lois would have some insight.
She padded to the kitchen and found Nan’s address book. Flipping through the pages, she stopped at the Ds and typed in Lois’s number before she could talk herself out of it.
“Dern residence. Lois speaking.”
“Hi, Lois, it’s Brittany.”
“Oh, hi, darlin’. It sure was good to see you today. What can I help you with? Say, Ada’s okay, isn’t she?”
“Yes, she is. She went to bed a little while ago. I’m hoping you could give me some advice.”
“You came to the right place, hon.” She laughed.
“I’m not sure what to do about Nan.”
“Do about her? I’m not following you.”
Brittany told her about her concerns with Nan’s hygiene, eating habits and forgetfulness. “The doctor isn’t concerned, but I’m not sure. I don’t feel right leaving her like this.”
“She’s getting old. Happens to the best of us. Her life isn’t perfect, and it doesn’t need to be. What are you wanting to do?”
“I thought I could hire a home health aide to come in a few days a week to help out. Or we could tour the assisted-living facilities in the area. She could always come to California and live with me.”