by Elen Chase
"Wow, that smells good," Dan said with a smile. "I haven’t eaten all day."
Liam nodded, proud of his dish. He hadn’t had too much time to think of a better recipe, but the toasted bread, salad, and oven-baked salmon looked, smelled, and hopefully tasted good enough.
During the dinner, Dan didn’t touch him at all, not even by mistake. At first, Liam was sort of disappointed since a part of his mind was still working non-stop to find any possible excuse to end up with Dan’s tongue in his mouth, but slowly he realized he was truly enjoying talking with Dan about something other than school stuff. Surprisingly, they had a similar taste in books.
"Okay, so you really read all of Blanco’s novels," Liam said.
"Yup."
"Because I was sure only I and possibly his mother had read them all," he chuckled.
"I think his works are underrated. It’s true that he mixes up math and philosophy and weird science fiction, but—"
"But at least he has something to say!"
"Yes, that’s what I think too."
"In his last book, The Blue Moon, though, I didn’t like the riddle with the painting."
"I knew it," Dan smiled.
"You didn’t like it either, right?"
"Actually, I loved it. I think it was brilliant."
"What? No, you can’t be serious! And why did you say you knew I wouldn’t like it?"
"Because you have a very scientific mind. You learn the rule, apply it, and get the result. You don’t seem to be particularly sensitive about art, and that riddle was all about the painter’s emotions and how he put them into his canvas. Things are not always black or white, you know."
"I do like art," Liam argued. "Well, classic art. I think it’s beautiful."
"And you like it because…?"
"It replicates reality almost perfectly. Not to mention the proportions, the symmetry—"
"You see, it’s all technical things that you like. I think that to like a piece of artwork, you don’t really need such a precise reason. It might be the ugliest scrap ever made, but if it means something to you the moment you see it and if you feel emotions from it, then that’s art."
Liam was impressed. He had never thought about it. "So, I suppose you have an artistic mind instead."
"I guess you could say that."
Dan never ceased to amaze him. "And are you also an artist or you just like to look at it?"
"I can’t call myself an artist, but I paint. Sometimes."
"I want to see your paintings."
It was just for a second, but Dan seemed uncomfortable.
"You wouldn’t like them. They’re abstract," he explained.
"But if I see them, I might change my mind." Liam looked attentively at Dan’s face. Silence surrounded them. Yes, this conversation was really making Dan uncomfortable. Liam could drop it and change the subject, but he realized he didn’t want to. It was the first time something he said affected Dan’s reactions so strongly. His hand tentatively touched Dan’s. "Inside your paintings, will I be able to see your emotions?"
"Ginger, listen—"
"I want to see them…. I want to know how you feel, what you feel."
"Trust me, you don’t want to know any of that." Dan averted his eyes.
"Are you afraid to show me?" As soon as he asked that, he felt Dan clenching his fist under his hand.
"I should get going soon," he said quickly. "I’ll miss the last train back."
I can’t let you go. Not now.
Liam’s grip tightened. He couldn’t stand the uncertainty anymore. Not after the lies, the unspoken truths, and the misunderstandings he had to go through for all his life. It couldn't end up in pieces again. Dan wasn’t Peter. His voice shaking with anxiety, he finally found the courage to talk.
"Wait, please. I’m sorry if I said something that upset you. I know we don’t know each other nearly enough to have this conversation. You’re probably thinking I am a nuisance, and if you do, well, you’re right. I know I’m just a brat that got a little too attached to you after you showed me some kindness, but at the same time, I’ve got the feeling that I’m not just that to you. I’m scared, Dan, scared of getting this wrong. I got someone’s feelings wrong in the past, and it didn’t end well. I thought he cared for me, I thought I was special, I thought I had a friend, a best friend, and I didn’t. I don’t want to get it wrong again, not with you. I don’t want to let you go now and be a stranger to you tomorrow, never knowing if it was my fault, if I ruined this, or if there was nothing to ruin from the beginning." Liam moved closer, lowering his head to look into his eyes. "Tell me at least if you do feel something for me. Tell me I’m not imagining this."
Dan’s hand surrendered to Liam’s touch. His gaze softened too. "What if I said I do? I don’t know exactly what you want from me, but I know already that I can’t give it to you. I’m no good for you, Liam."
"I don’t want anything you can’t give me. Just tell me if there is something here between us. You don’t have to name it, and you don’t have to make any promises; just be honest with me, please."
Dan took a deep breath and closed his eyes, as if he was struggling to find the right words. "I don’t want to lie to you." Finally, he looked back at him. "Yes, there is something here. I like you a great deal, Ginger, and I want you. But I can’t be the boyfriend you’re dreaming of, nor the one you deserve. I’m in a relationship that I won’t end, at least for now. I hang out in places you’d never want to be, with people you’d never want to meet. Not to mention what I do for a living…."
"Don’t tell me, then. I won’t follow you again. I won’t ask you about your job. I might still ask you about your boyfriend, but please, humor me. You’re still the closest thing I have ever had to a boyfriend, and I don’t care that this isn’t a romantic love story. You like me and, God, you want me, and that’s all I care about. You have no idea what you do to me. I feel so alive and good whenever we are together. I want to be with you, as long as I can…. Dan, stay here tonight."
Dan’s mouth almost fell open. "Ginger, do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into?"
"No," Liam confessed, shaking his head. "I'm kind of scared of this mess I feel inside, and I know I sound desperate, needy, and potentially very ridiculous… but I don't want you to go…." His heart was racing fast, but he was sure of his feelings: he had never wanted something so much in his life.
Dan took a short breath and leaned closer to Liam’s face, his lips brushing his ear, just like he had done that afternoon in the library. "I want you, Ginger," he whispered.
"Yes," Liam said, closing his eyes and abandoning all sense of reason.
Yes.
Chapter 7
Liam held Dan’s hand and showed him the way upstairs to his room. He closed the curtains and turned on the lights while Dan looked around. It was strange to have him there, and a little embarrassing. Liam’s heart jumped when he nonchalantly sat on his bed.
"This place is so like you," he said.
Liam sat by his side. "What do you mean?"
"Simple and tidy." Dan caressed his face with the back of his hand. "Do you really want me to dirty you?" On his face, he had the same serious look as before. Liam could only stare at him in awe.
"I do," he said, and, as soon as those words came out, Dan kissed him.
The passion he put in that kiss made Liam’s entire body shake, tense up, and sweat. Dan passed his arms around his waist, and in a moment, he laid him on the bed and was on top of him. His mouth traced a wet line down Liam’s neck which he kissed, bit, and sucked as if it was the most delicious meal in the world. The kisses seemed able to burn Liam’s skin and soul with their intensity. Liam realized Dan had been honest earlier when he had said to him, “I might end up eating you,” and felt completely overwhelmed; it was the first time he received all of this attention. To be honest, it was the first time he was receiving any attention at all.
Time could have as well stopped for him; his mind
had given all control to his body which had never been so sensitive before; he shut his eyes and focused on feeling rather than thinking. Dan’s hands were moving on him: one was caressing his leg and the other was fighting the buttons of his shirt. When his shirt was completely open, Liam suddenly became aware that he had never had so much skin exposed in front of anyone before, and a cold sensation spread throughout his body. There was no way Dan found him attractive; it must be a matter of time until he realized Liam was too skinny, too short, and too plain for him. Liam froze. He was going to be a disappointment, wasn’t he?
He tried not to think about this sort of thing. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, after all. Or, at least, he hoped he wasn’t. He knew for sure that he wasn’t following the noisy, slutty script of porn films. But he wasn’t supposed to really do any of that, right?
Dan lifted his gaze and smiled at him. "You have no idea what face you’re making right now."
That didn’t help Liam’s embarrassment. "Why? What face?"
"I can’t tell whether you’re liking or hating it."
Liam felt his face heating up. Great, now Dan thought he didn’t like it.
"Of course I like it!" he said hurriedly.
"Hey," Dan whispered as he slid his body up on Liam’s until they were face to face, Dan’s weight pinning him down on the mattress. "What’s wrong, Ginger?"
"I’m disappointing you."
"Wha—" Dan’s lips were curved in a small smile, but it was clear he was trying to hold it back, not wanting to hurt Liam’s feelings. "And why do you think that?"
"I… I’m just staying still and making you do all the work. And you’re looking at me, seeing all the things that I hate about myself and I can’t help thinking that maybe you’re just doing it to make me happy and you can’t wait to get it over with—"
"Okay," Dan said, interrupting Liam’s paranoia. "Liam, do you trust me? I think you do, considering that tonight you seemed more than willing to sleep with me, but maybe I got it wrong?"
"No, no, of course I trust you. And yes, I am… more than willing to do this with you."
"That’s what I meant. I’m not doing this to you or for you, I am doing this with you."
"But… shouldn’t I do something differently?"
"I don’t think anybody has written any instructions about it. And even if there were some, I wouldn’t care."
"Why?"
"Because I want you to like it, and there’s no one else but you who can tell me how to do that."
Liam was sure he was blushing again at this point. "I want you to like it, too."
"Oh, trust me, I do like it." He laid a kiss on his lips. "You have no idea how it turns me on to see you like this."
"How?" Liam asked, holding his breath.
"Why don’t you confirm it for yourself?"
The invitation was clear enough. After all, Liam was now half-naked while Dan still had all his clothes on. He took a deep breath and brought his hands to Dan’s shirt, unbuttoning it completely. Dan’s skin was soft and perfect, not even a freckle or a mole to ruin it, and it was so warm under Liam’s fingers.
"When I touch you, does it feel good?" Liam said in a whisper.
"Yeah." Dan leaned on him once again, delving his tongue in his mouth in a deep kiss. This time their hug was skin on skin, and the more they kissed, the more Liam wanted him closer. Desire emptied his mind to the point he didn’t realize when they had fully undressed each other.
"Dan, wait," he told him at that point, going back to panicking one more time. "Can I turn off the light?"
"I can't see you if you turn it off."
"That's sort of why I want to do it." He was still too self-conscious to let him see him fully naked. "Please, it's important to me."
Dan looked troubled for a moment, then he moved his gaze on the bedside table. "Can I keep at least that small one on?"
It seemed a good compromise to him, so he nodded his head. The dim light of the lamp helped him relax a little, but it didn’t last long. Soon he tensed up one more time.
"Hey… what's wrong?" Dan said, calm.
"Promise me you won't look at me."
"Impossible."
"It's so embarrassing I want to die."
"What is it?"
"Well, I'm…"
"… hard?" he smiled. "Liam, look at me."
Looking at Dan, seeing him naked and aroused for him, made Liam’s heart jump up to his throat.
"You’re making me like this. We’re the same." Dan’s voice was deep and sweet.
"Please don't say anything about my hair being red there too," he chuckled.
Dan pressed his forehead against his and reassured him, "I like your red hair."
"Dan, is it going to hurt?" he asked him.
"Ginger…"
"I never… I tried to do something by myself, but…"
"It won't hurt."
"What?" That wasn't the answer he was expecting at all.
"It won't hurt, because we won't have anal sex tonight."
"Really?" Liam was sort of confused, and just a little disappointed.
"I don't have condoms and lube with me… and you're way too nervous."
"I thought… What will we do then?"
Dan let out a small laugh. "If you trust me and try to relax a little, you’ll find out really soon."
They kissed again, and since that moment, Liam was completely in his hands all night.
Chapter 8
"I think my life has changed completely now," Liam muttered, lying in Dan’s arms, later that night.
"So, did it meet your expectations?"
"It went way beyond my expectations! It was so different from what I had imagined. I thought it was all about penetration."
"I'll tell you more. A lot of gay couples have anal sex only occasionally. It's not so essential like it might seem."
"And you do it often? With your boyfriend."
"We do it… regularly."
"Don't you feel strange, or guilty, for what you did with me tonight? I kinda feel the guilt, here in the pit of my stomach."
"My way of living my sex life is a bit unconventional," Dan explained. "Bill knows it very well, and he doesn't care."
"Will it happen again? Between us."
"If you want it."
"I want it. I want you," Liam whispered, dragging Dan in a slow, deep kiss. He could never get tired of those kisses, so intimate and sexy. "Still, we’re having an illicit affair… This shouldn’t turn me on so much, should it?"
Dan burst into a hearty laugh. "Where did my good boy go? I might have ruined you."
"Maybe I was tired of being a good boy. Maybe I was just waiting for someone to ruin me."
Dan casually started caressing his hair. "I can relate to that," he told him.
"Really?"
"When I was in Uptown, I acted like a good boy too, until I realized that deep inside of me, I wasn’t. One of the reasons why I moved here is that, in this part of town, I feel like I belong. I’m just one more rotten bastard here."
"Don’t be so harsh on yourself." Liam prompted himself on his elbows to look into his eyes. "Not being good doesn’t necessarily mean being rotten. You’re the one who told me things aren’t just black or white, remember?"
A moment of silence followed, then Dan laughed. "You’re a quick learner. I wonder if you learn so fast in bed, too."
"Try me. I bet in a week, sex won’t have secrets for me."
"To teach you everything I know in a week we’d have to be in bed 24/7."
"Fine by me, let’s call Bill and tell him you’re booked all week," Liam giggled. "Jokes aside, will you tell him about me?"
"Do you want me to tell him?"
"I'm not sure I could keep up the challenge… Is he much taller than me?"
"He's much taller than me… and way more built up."
"Oh." He imagined a wrestler or something similar. "How are you even considering me?"
"You have other qualities."
Dan passed his thumb on Liam’s lower lip.
"Do you have a picture of him?"
"Why are you so interested in Bill? I'll get jealous," Dan smirked. Liam couldn't understand if he was kidding or being serious.
"I want to know what my rival looks like," he told him.
Dan seemed to think about it for a moment. "Even if you say so, I don't have any pictures of him."
"Seriously?" He couldn't believe it. "You don't have even one picture with your own boyfriend?"
"We don't really take photos together."
"Okay, then, a profile picture? On some social media?"
"We aren't on any social media. And he doesn't use his own photos as profile pics in chats or emails."
"Is that even possible nowadays?"
"Is it so important for you to see him?" he asked.
Liam didn't want to insist so much, but he really was curious. He remained silent, thinking of what to tell him, when Dan turned on the hologram of his watchpad and made a call.
Who's he calling now? It's almost 3 a.m.
Liam lifted his head up to Dan to ask him, but, before he could say anything, he hugged him, pushing his face back on his chest.
"Dan?" a deep, manly voice said his name, picking up the call. "Did something happen?"
Was that Bill? Despite acting all cocky before, Liam’s heart was racing fast. His rival had suddenly turned out to be so much more real.
Dan kept caressing Liam’s head as he replied, "Hey, no, I just had something to ask you. Are you at Jim's?"
All that situation was impossibly awkward.
"Just got home. Wanna come over?"
"Nope, I'm busy tonight."
"Work?"
"No, I just have other plans."
That would be me.
Liam didn't know if being happy or disappointed about it.
"Okay, what did you want?"
"Can you take a picture and send it to me?" Dan asked, and for a moment he seemed a little embarrassed about it.