by Robyn Grady
Think of a possum playing dead. Nothing to see here, folks!
Once I got my dyslexia diagnosis, things improved. I had a word and reason that explained my daily struggles, as well as tools to help me cope. After some hard work, I found my way out of that hole. Now I try to help others climb out of theirs. And guess what. Some of my Best Life Now clients have been dyslexic just like me.
But here’s the kicker. The bare bones truth without a wrapper.
I never let any of them know. A part of me was still embarrassed. Ashamed. And yes, even scared.
I won’t do that anymore.
So, what’s this life coach’s best advice?
When you feel like hiding away or flat-out giving up, remind yourself that none of us is perfect. Everyone is spectacularly unique. Then stand up, fill your lungs and shout from the rooftops.
If I want to be free, I need to be me!
* * *
Ajax and his team were finishing up for the afternoon when Hux walked into the stables.
“Another blistering win for this one last week,” Hux said, eyeing Someone’s Prince Charming’s whiteboard chart. “Good job, son.”
After making a note about feed, Ajax set down the pen. “Things are certainly getting back to normal.”
Hux entered the stall to check Prince’s hooves.
“I heard from Matt today,” he said, rubbing a fingertip around one of the plates. “Paul Booshang finally came clean. Apparently over the years, he’d lost everything at the track. He said if he couldn’t take down horse racing in its entirety, he wanted to at least cause a stir for some guys at the top. He had a personal gripe with Darnel...the way he’d treated his family...something about a tree house.” Hux straightened. “Apparently a TV network has offered him a fortune for the story.”
Ajax recalled one of Veda’s arguments against the industry. “Losing your shirt... I wonder how many people can identify.”
“Son, you can’t help people like that. They have no control.”
That’s what Ajax had always thought, but that was kind of the point, wasn’t it? “You have to admit we’re at least part of the problem.”
“We don’t twist anyone’s arm. We don’t force anyone to get into bed with a loan shark.”
Ajax paraphrased Veda. “A drug dealer doesn’t force an addict to keep using, either.”
Hux was on to the last hoof. “Hardly the same thing. Horse racing generates billions of dollars for the state’s economy. It’s a tradition.” Joining Ajax again, Hux pushed on with another topic of conversation as he looked up and down the stalls. “So, update me on any new plans you have, partner.”
Ajax had signed that contract. Half the land and half the profits were now his. A huge achievement, particularly knowing that he truly had his father’s respect.
Only...he had thought it would feel better than this. That he might feel, well, really whole now. Complete.
“The new walker’s almost finished,” he said, grabbing his hat and heading to the door with Hux. “I put on another vet this morning. The very best credentials, and we’re on the same page with regard to overmedicating.”
All too often in the industry, horses were given powerful medications that allowed them to race despite their injuries.
Hux dropped his hat on his head. “Good. Good. We want a fair race.”
“And healthy horses.”
Hux’s smile deepened as they headed out into the sunshine. “I’m so fortunate to have a son who wants nothing more than to carry on the family tradition. You’ve always been so dedicated. Such a natural.”
Looking around the place, Ajax held his hat in his hands. “I’ve been at it a long time.”
“And will be for a long time to come.”
That had always been the plan, and Ajax hadn’t wanted anything more. Now... Well, he had other things on his mind, all to do with a strong-minded redhead who had put up a wall he couldn’t find a way to break down.
“Something troubling you?” Hux asked. “Maybe something to do with Veda Darnel?”
Ajax tried to shrug it off. “I’m good.”
Hux gave a thoughtful nod. “Well, you know what they say.”
“No. What do they say?”
“Plenty more fish in the sea.”
Ajax shut one eye as he winced. “I don’t see Veda as a fish.”
“I’m only saying that she must not be the one. But one day you’ll find your special someone, no doubt about it. And when you do, you’ll know. And so will she.”
When Hux hailed a groom on his way to a tack room, Ajax headed back to the office with his father’s words still ringing in his ears. Hux didn’t know what he and Veda had discussed that day on Drake’s porch. Her story was as private, and haunting, as they come. Ajax couldn’t stop thinking about the circumstances surrounding her mom’s death. That cowboy had been lower than a bottom-feeder. No wonder Veda had developed a lifelong aversion to that type.
But Ajax reassured himself again: he was nothing like that. He could never treat anyone that way. Never.
And yet those lines kept circling.
It’s all in your head, darlin’.
I would never do that to you.
Yes, he had known a few women in his life, but as he had explained to Veda, he had never parted with anyone on bad terms. Fallon Kelly was a case in point. Except...
If he were to be 100 percent honest, he had always gotten out early for just that reason—to avoid the possibility of an ugly breakup. Put another way: he liked to have his cake and eat it, too. He wanted to enjoy the intimate company of a beautiful, engaging woman without the drag of making anything official.
But with Veda, that way of thinking—of feeling—just didn’t seem to fit. Where she was concerned, the idea of commitment didn’t spook him. In fact, he couldn’t fathom a time when he didn’t want to be with her, and only her.
Things had changed.
He had changed.
As Ajax reached the main paddock, Chester came trotting down from the house like he usually did this time of day. Trying to clear his head, Ajax deliberated on a chestnut prancing about, tossing her mane, while a buckskin colt capered up, his tail elevated and strong neck curved. Farther down, in the next paddock, two retired horses were grazing, stomping a hoof every now and then to shoo away flies. Over the years, he’d given away others to good and caring homes.
Scenes like this had filled and shaped his life. He’d grown up hankering for the next bustling day at the track. From a young age, he’d always leaped out of bed before the birds to start the day. The horses in his care had grade-A food and exercise, as well as the best grooms, riders, farriers and veterinary care.
He loved his horses. They were treated like kings.
But there were still injuries, some of them fatal. More than once he had watched, heartsick, as one of his own had gone down. The latest statistics said over fifty horses had died or been euthanized on New York State racecourses just this year.
He’d been one of the blinder-wearing crowd who argued that those numbers were built into the system. But what did that mean exactly? For the owners...for the horses...
Which side was he really on?
When Chester started wagging his tail, Ajax realized they had company. Susan was strolling over, a covered plate in her hand. He could smell the pie from here.
“Just pulled this out of the oven,” she said, removing the cover to reveal a fat slice of his favorite: grape pie.
Ajax accepted the plate. “You’re a honey, do you know that?”
Susan gave a big dimpled grin before she turned to study the horses.
“Sometimes I still can’t believe I actually found my way here,” she said. “This truly is my safe haven home.”
Ajax had always believed this was his safe haven, too. That he would always feel r
ooted and cared for here. But lately trying to hold on to that had left a cold, heavy knot in his gut. He was hardly a kid anymore but still a long way from hanging up his reins. Was there more for him somewhere out there?
“You must be glad all that doping business is behind you,” she said, leaning down to ruffle Chester’s ears while his tail batted the ground. “And I’m so relieved that feud between Hux and Drake Darnel is finally over,” she added. “Just goes to show. Differences can be worked out even when we might think there’s no hope.” She slid him a look. “I’m sure Veda would agree. She seems like a lovely girl.”
“She is lovely. And smart.” He paused, then added, “And strong.”
“Yes, indeed,” Susan said, looking out over the paddock again. “Diamonds are definitely out there. My ex-husband, however...well, he was a grimy lump of coal.”
Ajax recalled that Veda’s mother had stayed with Drake for the sake of the family. But Susan hadn’t had children with her ex-husband. Why had she stayed so long? He hoped she wouldn’t mind if he asked.
“Why didn’t you leave the guy sooner?”
“Well, I married young. Taking those vows... I thought I had to stay. But over the years, of course the abuse wore me down, to the point I could barely think straight. Hux helped bring me back. I truly am a different person because of his love.” She thought that through more and added, “Or maybe not different so much as... I think the right word is authentic. He’s so lovely. And smart. And strong.”
Ajax grinned. Lovely. Smart. Strong. Those words were a common link between Susan’s love for Hux and his own thoughts on Veda. And Hux might have helped Susan, but she’d done just as much for him. Maybe more.
So, what would have happened to Hux, to their family, if Susan hadn’t come along? Ajax wanted to believe that his father would have come out of that thick dark fog on his own. But he wondered....
And if he fell in love, married, had kids, and something happened to his wife—if she died... How would he deal? Would he cope or simply want to give in?
After Susan left with Chester bounding off ahead of her, Ajax took his pie into the office. As he sat behind his desk and opened his laptop, he mulled over Susan’s words.
She had helped settle what he’d been struggling with for weeks. He needed to reach out to Veda again because he couldn’t dance around the truth anymore. Earlier Hux had given sound advice about a person knowing when they had found their special someone. Ajax did know. He had to believe that Veda knew, too.
But he’d run out of things to say.
What could he do to convince her?
He set the pie aside to search Best Life Now. The link to Veda’s website popped up. He checked out each page and ended up on her blog. The latest post had him riveted. He could literally hear her speaking to him, giving him advice.
If I want to be free, I need to be me.
* * *
Ajax thought back on those words the following weekend at the track. Someone’s Prince Charming was two lengths ahead when he stumbled and broke down.
The examining veterinarian reported catastrophic fractures to both front ankles. The jockey, who had sustained serious injuries, was carried away on a stretcher. When the order was given to euthanize the horse, Ajax was there, kneeling at his friend’s side.
On the drive home, his chest and eyes were burning so much, Ajax had to pull over. A bottle of Scotch kept him company through the night. By morning, he’d crossed that line and made up his mind.
To hell with anyone who didn’t agree.
Sixteen
Veda heard it first from her dad.
The previous week when they’d talked on FaceTime, Drake had mentioned the “big news concerning the Rawsons.” Veda had coughed out a laugh and told him point-blank he was wrong. But her father insisted; a Darnel farrier had confirmed the rumor just that day.
Ajax Rawson was no longer associated with Rawson Studs. No one knew for sure what big plans he had for himself, although talk was that he was still on the property working things through.
Veda hadn’t spoken with Ajax since that day on her father’s porch two whole months ago when she had opened up more about her past and made her position crystal clear. She had survived some tough breaks. Now that she was in a good place, there was no turning back, only going forward.
At the time, Ajax had looked disappointed, but obviously he had accepted her decision and moved on. Of course, the breakup had brought her down. Coming out on her blog had helped build her sense of self up again, as did personally sharing her dyslexia experiences later with each of her clients. And if she ever felt like curling up into a ball, she reminded herself that she wouldn’t feel this way forever. Over time, her love for Ajax would fade.
Unfortunately she couldn’t see that happening anytime soon.
Before ending that FaceTime call, Drake had suggested she visit again. How about this weekend? She had smiled and said good idea. It felt weird actually looking forward to spending time with her dad. Even weirder to anticipate driving right past the Rawson property knowing that Ajax was probably still there.
Now, as she traveled on the interstate, getting closer to the Rawsons’ connecting road, Veda told her heart to quit pumping so hard. But memories from the night her car had spun out were coming thick and fast. Ajax racing down through the rain to rescue her still felt like something out of a dream.
Her hands were damp on the steering wheel by the time the Rawsons’ billboard-size sign came into view. Would things have been different between her and Ajax if that doping scandal hadn’t hit? But of course, realistically, they were never going to make it. He had his life and, yes, she had hers.
Veda stepped on the accelerator and forced herself to look straight ahead. She was going to visit her father. When she arrived, Drake would welcome her with a smile and perhaps even a hug. Going through to the kitchen, he would brew his tea while she poured herself a wine. Then they would venture out to the same spot where she and Ajax had relaxed after he had driven her home from the hospital that day. She could see the tree house from there.
Veda slammed on the brakes and caught her breath as another new sign came into view.
Welcome to Giddy Up Safe Haven.
The letters were multicolored and cartoonish like the ones from that old birthday book. A drawing of a grinning horse, standing with his front legs crossed, made her smile even harder. Then she spotted something else in a corner. A blue bucket with a dog sitting up inside it. It was small and fluffy with apricot dots on each cheek.
A blasting horn sent Veda jumping out of her seat. As the flatbed truck swerved around her, she turned onto the shoulder of the entrance road. Her heart was slamming against her ribs, and she couldn’t contain the grin because this was more than a coincidence.
The Rawsons owned hundreds of acres, including this hill. Ajax knew she had a dream of having a farm where animals didn’t have to work or breed or die. A sanctuary. A safe haven. That puppy—little Gus in his bucket—was the bow that tied this all together.
Ajax had created Giddy Up Safe Haven, and he’d done it with her in mind.
Bubbling with excitement, she turned into the entrance road and drove to the crest of that hill. On the plateau, a freshly painted Cape Cod cabin appeared, as well as post-and-rail paddocks, a big old barn and then...
Well, suddenly all those warm, bubbly feelings began to pop and evaporate because on top of being a magnificent example of the male species, Veda knew the truth. Ajax was also a pro in the art of seduction. Lanie had said that he was all about the chase. And it had certainly been true where they were concerned. So, what was really going on here?
Braking, Veda saw movement up ahead. Three horses—a gray, a brindle and a cream—were trotting up to a fence. Ajax was holding two buckets, presumably full of feed. But beneath the wide brim of his black hat, his undivided attention was fixed on
her approach.
A yearning, almost desperate heat filled Veda in an instant. In his white button-down, his shoulders looked even bigger. The vee below his open collar was definitely more bronzed. The weight of the buckets strained his gorgeous forearms, highlighting the corded muscle. She could imagine his crooning voice now, saying how beautiful she was, how good she smelled, how much he had missed her and...
“Well, dang, Veda baby. I knew you’d be back.”
He had promoted a rumor that suggested he had given up the Rawson brand, his career and the prestige. But seriously? A couple of rescue horses and a rickety old cabin wouldn’t hold his attention. That said, she was almost flattered that he’d gone to so much trouble to set up such an elaborate prop.
As he set down the buckets and sauntered over, rocking a pair of worn blue jeans like no other man could, Veda bit her lip to divert the pain that was filling her all the way to the top. He thought he could charm her, fool her, by using a dream she held so dear to her heart?
Setting her jaw, she threw open the car door.
Sorry, cowboy.
Guess again.
* * *
As Ajax dropped the buckets and headed over to the Best Life Now vehicle, his thumping heart nearly burst out of his chest. Veda must have seen the Giddy Up sign on her way to her father’s place. Her showing up out of the blue gave this move a special seal of approval. He knew his mom was smiling down, cheering him on, giving her blessing.
Just as Hux had done when Ajax had explained why he needed to move on.
He had loved his life growing up. He would always hold dear memories of the farm through his years from a child to a man. But now more than ever, he knew he’d made the right choice. And as Veda got out of the car and her gaze meshed with his, it all felt so damn good, he broke into a jog.
Drawing closer, he watched the breeze play through her hair, making it dance while it pushed that summer dress against her body, emphasizing every delicious sweep and curve. Her green eyes were sparkling in the sunshine, and the beautiful lips he longed to taste again were...