by Brittle, D M
*~*~*
If we could have stayed with Blake’s parents any longer then I wouldn’t have hesitated, but it had been a week since my appointment with Sam and my blood pressure still needed to be monitored and stabilized. We left the Hamptons early morning giving us plenty of time to get back to New York and to the doctors’ office. Since Julia’s diagnosis a week ago Blake still hadn’t shown any emotion to anyone, I had tried and failed at every opportunity to get him to open up to me but it was like trying to get blood from a stone. Julia and Marti had noticed too which I considered worrying for the both of them but they were both confident that it was just Blake’s way of coping and that we shouldn’t worry because he was Blake Mackenzie, strong both inside and out and not one to let anything get on top of him. He was a fighter and if fighting his feelings was going to help then I should stand back and allow him to do that.
I may not have known Blake as long as his parents, but the Blake that I knew had a good way of hiding his emotions if it meant keeping someone else safe. I had seen it in Blake a couple times recently; the first time was the night that he read the first page of Cooper’s diary, it had torn at him and he had almost walked out of the apartment because he didn’t want to show his emotion to me but I had talked him through it and he had stayed. I then saw it again the following morning when he had fixed the papers that I had torn; when he asked me if I had forgiven Cooper, I heard it in his voice, the fear and the insecurity but again he had held it together and got on with life like nothing had happened. I still hadn’t told him that I heard the conversation between him and Sam at her office last week and he still hadn’t opened up to me at how frightened he was when he thought he could lose me or the babies. The only thing that he worried about was everyone else; he never took the time to think about himself and about how he was affected. I feared for Blake so much, but until he was prepared to open up and let me in, I had no idea how I was going to help him through it all.
“Well, I don’t know what you did while you were in the Hamptons but your blood pressure has decreased somewhat which is great news, it’s still not exactly where we would like it to be but it’s going in the right direction.” Sam smiled happily at me as she went back to her seat and began jotting down something in her notes.
“Wow,” I shook my head in surprise, “I have to say; I wasn’t expecting you to tell me that, if anything I thought it would have been higher.”
“Oh?” Sam leaned forward onto her hands as she looked at Blake and me expectantly. I turned to Blake who gave me a reassuring smile before he turned back to Sam.
“While we were at my parents’ house, mom found out that she has cancer,” he said simply.
“Oh dear God Blake, I had no idea, is she okay?”
“She is going to be fine,” Blake nodded firmly. “She has her op next week, they will just cut that thing out of her and that’s that.” Sam turned to me and gave me a worried look before turning back to Blake.
“The doctor has said that?” She asked.
“Well, as good as that, yes. They said that they had caught it early, so that obviously means that she is going to be okay doesn’t it?” He smiled.
“I will definitely call her tonight,” Sam said carefully, “we never did arrange that dinner.”
“She would appreciate that.” Blake agreed.
“And you’re doing okay?”
“Yeah,” Blake said as the smile faltered a little. “I mean we know that she is going to be okay and now that Jo’s blood pressure is returning to normal, I feel I can finally begin to breathe again.” It was obvious that Sam could see through Blake as well as I could - as good an actor as he is in the movies, he wasn’t so good an actor in real life.
“Good,” Sam said as she stood. “Right, I will see you again this time next week; we will have another look at those babies and see how they’re getting on. We’re getting closer now and hopefully soon they should be getting into position for the birth.”
“So I may still be able to go natural?” I asked hopefully.
“So far so good,” she smiled. “Just keep that blood pressure coming down and it shouldn’t be a problem, keep going with those relaxation exercises that we’ve talked about, keep away from stress as much as possible,” Sam rolled her eyes. “I know that I am asking you to do the almost impossible but so far, you are doing great so do what we have talked about and you should be fine,” She smiled.
“So it is just as safe to deliver twins naturally as if say, Jo were to have a C-section?” Blake suddenly asked.
“Of course,” Sam laughed. “It really isn’t much different than giving birth to one baby, only this time you don’t get to rest after pushing that first baby out.”
“What if something were to go wrong?” Blake turned to me, “I think maybe we should look into you having a planned section.”
“What? No way!” I replied a little too loudly. “You know how I feel about trying to do it myself Blake; I thought that you supported that.”
“I do Jo, but I want to know that you are going to be okay, the babies too, you are the most important thing in my life right now, and with what mom is going through too, I just want you all safe.” Blake was finally beginning to let down his guard and I felt my heart ache for him that he was finally admitting his fears.
“Blake,” I said sadly. “I’m sorry I just…. I didn’t……”
“Blake,” Sam interrupted gently. “As I told you last week, we take the health and wellbeing of all of our mothers and babies very seriously. When Jo is in labor she will have a room full of completely competent people who will guide you both every single step of the way. I hope that when Jo is ready to deliver the babies, I will be on shift or on call and I will personally make sure that those babies and Jo are provided with the best possible care. What you are feeling is completely natural of any expectant father, and given the added stress of your mother’s illness and Sara’s trial around the corner, what you are feeling is to be expected, but women have been giving birth to twins naturally for thousands of years, you have nothing to worry about.”
“Wow,” Blake exhaled. “I am so sorry; I don’t even know where that just came from.”
“It came from inside your heart Blake because you are worried. As I said, it is completely natural for you to feel that way.”
Blake turned to me and smiled apologetically, “I’m sorry I am such a letdown.”
Sam and I both laughed, “One thing that you are not Blake, is a letdown.” I stood and held my hand out to him which he took.
“It’s good to let those feelings out Blake, and if you ever need to talk about anything that I can help you with, I am only a phone call away, okay?”
“Thank you Sam, we will see you next week.” Sam walked us out of the room and down the stairs to where we had parked to the rear of the building.
“Take care of yourselves okay?”
“We will Sam thank you, and I’ll tell mom that you are going to call too.”
We left the building and got into the car and out onto the streets of New York without prying eyes following us. The situation with Sara’s trial had calmed somewhat over the past week. The hype was currently simmering which I was sure would be turned up a notch again next week as her sentencing day approached. Theo had called while we were in the Hamptons and told me that even though he strongly advised against it, there was no reason for me not to appear at the sentencing if I wished to do so.
Under the circumstances, I hadn’t yet told Blake that I would be going, the sentencing was the day before Julia’s surgery and Blake and I had already disagreed on me being there the very first night that we arrived back from London, so when Theo had called to give us the date Blake had thanked him and informed him that we wouldn’t be there but would appreciate being kept in the loop that day by Theo himself.
I needed Blake to understand that I needed to be there to see her get what she deserved. At some point I would tell him, but at the moment, the timing just wasn
’t right.
“What are you thinking about?” Blake’s voice pulled me from my thoughts as we pulled up at the traffic lights.
“Just stuff,” I shrugged.
“Stuff.” Blake nodded with a smile. “Do you want to elaborate?” His eyes flicked to me quickly before resting again on the road ahead as the lights changed to green and we began to move.
I turned in my seat to look at him, “well, my blood pressure being lower for one, it’s such a relief isn’t it?”
“It is a relief,” Blake agreed as he reached over and rested his hand on my knee. “I’ve got to admit, I was nervous as hell after the week that we have had, you’re still not out of the woods though, you still need rest.”
“Rest in New York? Does that even exist?” I replied.
“What else were you thinking about?”
“Nothing really, just life,” I lied.
“That’s deep.”
“I’m a deep person,” I smiled trying desperately to lighten the mood, but Blake’s face remained serious.
“So,” Blake began. “I was thinking that maybe in the next couple of days we will try venturing out again, I know that you need your rest but we need to start thinking about getting the babies’ cribs, travel systems, a couple of toys; you know just what we need to keep us going until we head home to London. Of course if you don’t feel up to it, I totally understand but I worry that we won’t be ready in time.”
“Sure,” I smiled. “I would love that, besides I don’t want to be lying in bed all day every day, that is more stressful than being active, and Blake?”
“Hhmm?”
“We’re not leaving for London until we know that your mum is one hundred percent out of the woods okay?”
“We know that she is going to be fine Jo once the surgery is over.”
“Blake.” I cursed.
Blake puffed out a deep breath, “Okay, okay, but she is going to be fine so really this conversation is pointless.”
“Are you doing okay?” I asked carefully.
“Of course,” he turned to me and smiled briefly. “I know that I almost freaked out back there but I am fine. And why do you worry so much about me when you are the pregnant one?” He laughed once and gave my knee a gentle squeeze.
“Because I love you and I worry about you.”
“Well don’t worry about me; I’m fine.” His voice quietened.
“I heard you talking to Ester this morning.”
“Oh yeah, I totally forgot to tell you with…. Everything.” Blake took a deep breath in, “she has arranged a meeting on Friday with the show’s producers. They want to try and lure me back,” He said quietly.
“Whatever you decide is fine by me, you know that right?”
“I have made my decision Jo and they are not going to change it. My career means nothing to me right now; there are far more important things I have to worry about.” Blake’s eyes focused on the road ahead, I could sense in his voice that he was petrified of what lay ahead but he just wasn’t prepared to let me in. Blake changed the subject quickly as he began talking about what we were going to have for dinner tonight; he was distracting himself from his thoughts. I had hoped that he would be feeling a little less stressed now that my blood pressure was improving and he had had his little moment in Sam’s office, but that didn’t seem to be the case. I prayed to God that by the end of next week we could put this horrible chapter behind us and begin to look to the future again with nothing hanging over us.
*~*~*
We had been back from Blake’s parents for just two nights and each of those nights Blake hadn’t managed to sleep. There was never any doubt that Blake was a heavy sleeper, an earthquake would only wake Blake if it threw him from his bed with so much force that he would have no choice but to wake up, but the past two nights had been different. He was unaware that I had noticed but each time he woke from the little sleep he had managed, he would leave the bedroom quickly as if in a panic only to return an hour or more later seeming calmer.
I would sense his eyes burning into me for a while each time he climbed back into bed; he would then kiss me gently and whisper that he loves me before turning over and trying to sleep; the way he told me he loved me each time was full of sadness and desperation. Both mornings after his disturbed night, I would ask how he was feeling but it would always be the same simple reply; ‘never better’.
The truth was that since the moment that he had become so close to cracking at the doctor’s office, he had completely closed down, shutting me out from his true thoughts and his real feelings. I could see that he was trying to protect me but I didn’t need protecting, I didn’t want protecting not anymore and definitely not from my husband. I just needed Blake to let me in so I could care for him the way that he always cared for me.
I had spoken to Julia both evenings since we came home but Blake had made an excuse each time, asking me to tell her that he would call her later; that call would never be made. I didn’t know how much longer Blake could continue this façade but I was adamant that I would be there for him the minute that he let down his guard and would need me the most.
“So,” Blake said as he finished buttoning up his shirt ready for his meeting with the producers. “What are your plans for today?” He looked exhausted and tired but he tried desperately to cover it from me.
“Oh you know,” I replied, stretching my body as I lay in bed. “The same as usual; nothing. I am so bored Blake, I need to do something, anything but just lay around all day.”
“You need to rest and you know that. You heard what Sam told you the other day, you are getting near the end and your blood pressure still isn’t stable.” I growled at him in frustration. Blake laughed lightly before turning to face me.
“How do I look?”
“Like I may not be doing nothing today after all,” I smirked. “Come here, I need to see if you taste as good as you look.”
Blake shook his head in amusement as he walked over and placed himself on the edge of the bed, he leaned towards me slowly before covering my mouth with his. I let out a small groan as his tongue stroked against mine softly and torturously.
“Hhmm, you really do taste good,” I said against his mouth. “Come back to bed?” I asked as I lifted the blankets to let him back in.
“No can do I’m afraid,” Blake stood quickly from the bed and began shrugging into his jacket. “I need to leave like, five minutes ago,” He said as he looked at his watch.
“You look tired,” I observed.
“I am fine; I am always fine so stop worrying about me and concentrate on you, and stop pouting; it makes me feel even guiltier about leaving you.” He placed a quick kiss to my cheek and headed towards the door. “I won’t be late, but if you need me, call me, okay?”
I folded my arms across my chest and pouted even more to which Blake laughed but he also gave in and came back for one more kiss. He then turned and left the apartment, leaving me alone and bored and looking for something to do.
*~*~*
I had been sitting at the dining table for the past two hours staring at the letter in my hand like it was about to explode like a live grenade.
She wanted to see me; Sara, who had made my life a living hell, had requested me to visit her in prison before her sentencing. I wasn’t even sure that requesting to meet with your victim was even legal, but after speaking to Theo briefly, he informed me that it was sometimes considered as closure for victims to meet with the defendant before sentencing.
He then advised me that because of my late stage in pregnancy along with my high blood pressure that he would strongly recommend that I stayed away from Sara, especially if I was so adamant that I wanted to be at her sentencing. I was now faced with the decision of whether or not I wanted to confront her face to face and get that closure.
I had been sorting through the mountain of mail that had accumulated since our visit to Blake’s parents’ house when the letter had practically jumped out at me. I kn
ew immediately who the letter was from; after all, I had no connection to any other criminal.
I was then forced to decide whether or not Blake would agree to me seeing Sara, which in fact I already knew the answer to but something inside of me was telling me that yes, I needed to see her.
Something was definitely telling me that I needed to do this and even though no one would agree with me doing so, I needed the closure that the visit would provide.
I had tried calling Blake for just over an hour since arranging to meet with Sara. His phone had gone straight to voicemail each time, and each time, I had left a message ensuring him that everything was okay and I just wondered how the meeting was going; the last thing that I wanted to do was worry him. When he hadn’t called back, I showered, changed and headed downstairs to Casey and Alex’s apartment.
“Well hello there stranger,” Casey said enthusiastically. “Jo isn’t it?” she teased.
“Hi,” I smiled nervously. “Is Alex here?” I asked as I looked around Casey’s shoulder into the apartment.
“Am I not good enough for you now that we don’t live together so you want to hang out with my husband instead?” Casey cocked an eyebrow and smirked at me.
“Is he here?” I repeated as Casey’s smile dropped and concern etched her face.
“He’s at work, what’s going on, are you okay?” She stepped aside and welcomed me inside.
“I need you to do something for me and not tell Alex,” I said firmly as I stepped past her and walked into the kitchen. “Because Alex will tell Blake and if Blake knows it will only cause a problem between us and he’s got enough going on without the added stress of what I need you to do for me.”
“What’s wrong Jo? And why are you acting so strange?” Casey asked confused.
“Casey, you’re my best friend right?” Casey nodded. “You would do anything to help without judging me right?”