“Thank you, Lucy. You may leave us now.”
I ground my teeth together at his dismissive tone, but refrained from talking. The sooner I got this over with, the better.
“I’m sure you must be curious as to why we’ve asked you here.” My father smiled as Shelly put food on his plate. He’d never smiled at me. Not once.
Shelly dished up for herself, eyeing me across the table. I didn’t touch the food. I was too keyed up to eat, not to mention that I hadn’t planned on staying here long enough to eat anyway.
Neither of them said anything for a beat, and then my father broke the awkward silence. “Do you want to tell her, sweetheart?” His eyes were fixed on his wife.
“Are you sure? I think it would be better if it came from you darling.”
The only thing more sickening than her squeaky voice was her term of endearment for the man sitting next to me.
“No, honey,” he chuckled ruefully. “I think you should be the one to tell Kennedy our news.”
“Well okay then.” Shelly dropped her cutlery, and turned her fake grin up a notch as our eyes met. “We’re pregnant.”
I stared at her, my mind trying to comprehend the bombshell she’d just dropped. My mouth was dry, and I couldn’t get my voice to form a single word.
“Isn’t it great,” Shelly gushed, not fazed at my inability to respond. She placed a hand on her stomach, and smiled at my father. Surprisingly, he looked…happy?
No.
Words.
I had nothing.
So I stared at them like a complete fool.
“We’ve already cleared out Charlie’s room for a nursery,” my father said. “It’s too early to tell, but knowing my luck, it’s a boy.”
Shelly giggled, and I was finally able to grasp what my father had just said. The mention of my brother was enough to knock the wind out of me.
“Wait, what did you just say?” My voice came out louder than I’d intended.
“I said I think it’s a boy,” my father replied, looking annoyed that I’d even asked.
“No, before that.”
Shelly huffed. “Honestly, Kennedy. You’d think with all the money your father pays for you tuition you’d at least have learned how to listen with both ears.”
I balked at that. My father didn’t pay for my tuition. He had no idea how I was paying for school, and I had no doubt that if he knew he’d be pissed. Still, he didn’t bother correcting stepmommy dearest.
“We’ve cleared out Charlie’s room, and we’re going to use it as a nursery. Your bedroom is already a guest bedroom,” my father said.
My heart pounded painfully in my chest. “You got rid of his stuff?”
Growing up, Charlie had always been my fathers’ favorite, and now I couldn’t bear the thought of my father wiping away his memory like he’d never even existed. There were many things I would tolerate from my father, but having him disregard Charlie so bluntly wasn’t one of them. It was a slice to my already battered heart.
“Yes. Lucy took it all to Goodwill over the weekend,” replied Shelly.
I swallowed the imaginary cotton ball that had lodged itself in my throat, and blinked back the rapid onslaught of tears. This couldn’t be happening. I needed to leave, but something stopped me. Maybe it was a sense of loyalty to my brother, or maybe it was my need to cut my ties with these people once and for all. I didn’t know. All I was sure of was that it’s what made me push my chair back, and stand.
“Kennedy, where are you going?” My father asked. His scowl didn’t scare me anymore, and that said something.
“I can’t believe you.” My voice betrayed the turmoil wreaking havoc with my heart. I turned around, ignoring my fathers’ “where are you going?” and raced up the stairs. Thankfully I’d worn jeans, and ballet pumps instead of heals, and a dress. I couldn’t imagine running up the marble staircase without slipping, and kissing the floor.
I stopped in front of my brother’s old room, my hand shaking as it twisted the knob. My fathers’ footsteps echoed not far behind me, but I didn’t care. Not in that moment. Not ever.
The dark grey walls that used to be adorned with posters of Charlie’s favorite bands, certificates, and medals were bare. His built-in closets, and drawers stood empty, and not a single piece of his furniture had been left behind.
I sucked in a lung full of air, and still struggled for breath. His room was empty…like…like…he was never even here.
“How could you,” I whispered, aware that my face was damp with tears. I spun to face my father, the man who had discarded me from the moment I was born, and blamed me for my mothers’ death. “Do you feel nothing? Or are you happy to have a baby on the way to replace the son you lost?”
My fathers’ eyes turned cold - well colder then they usually were when he looked at me - and his nostrils flared. “Be careful how you speak to me,” he warned angrily. “I am still your father.”
Shelly had joined us, but she was smart enough to stay behind my fathers’ bulky frame. At least she would hear what I had to say before I left this Godforsaken hellhole.
I snorted. “You haven’t been my father in nineteen years. But you loved Charlie, I know you did, and yet you’ve thrown out his things like he meant nothing to you.” He opened his mouth to speak, but I put up my hand to silence him. That seemed to anger him more.
“I accepted that you didn’t want me, that you didn’t love me,” a sob broke free, “but Charlie deserves better.”
Before he could respond, I pushed past him into the hallway. I looked back at Shelly, and that’s when it caught my eye - the necklace around her neck. It was a beautiful white gold chain, with two delicate hearts intertwined and joined in the center by a ruby. I recognized it from the pictures Charlie had shown me of our mother. She was beautiful, and Charlie had told me everything about her that he could remember. How she used to sing to him at night, and read him bedtime stories. Thinking about that made the ache in my chest intensify, and along with it came the discernment that I had nothing left of this life.
I stepped forward, and gripped the necklace in my hands. “This belonged to my mother,” I snapped. I tugged the necklace, and when it broke, I clasped it in my hands like it was a life source. Shelly gasped, but my back was already turned as I walked back towards the staircase. I snatched the one and only picture of me, my mother, and Charlie from the wall beside the stairs, holding it to my chest. Lucy was standing at the door, and the sight of her was the final straw that broke me.
She stopped me before I could leave, and whispered in my ear so that my father, and Shelly wouldn’t hear. “Your brothers’ things are boxed up, and in my garage. I’ll let you know when you come get them, okay?”
I only nodded, barely processing a single word. It was time for me to leave. My feet started moving again, but in my state I misjudged the two steps leading to the driveway. With blurry, tear filled eyes, and the darkness that had fallen, I could barely see. My toe caught on the top step, and my body hurtled forward, landing on the hard ground. The glass from the photo frame in my hand shattered, and I cried out when the glass sliced my palm. With the little fight that I had left, I managed to lift myself up, and climb into my jeep. My knee was burning, blood seeping through my jeans, and my hand throbbed. My shirt was already damp from where I cradled my wounded hand, but I gripped my steering wheel.
As the house behind me blurred away, my body wracked with sobs. For Charlie. For a mother I never knew. And for the little girl inside me who lost the only person who ever loved her.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Dane
MY CHEST GLISTENED with sweat, and my knee ached as I pushed myself on the treadmill. I pushed past the pain, hoping to silence my mind and focus on nothing but my body. I desperately needed the escape, and attending classes and football practices was no longer enough. My birthday was only a few days away, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t outrun the dread, and despair that came along with it. My mother wanted
to do something this year, and after several heated discussions that always ended up in tears, she finally accepted that it wasn’t going to happen.
I was exhausted, and I knew I wouldn’t be good company anyway. It was just better for me to act like it was just another day.
Reid jumped onto the treadmill beside me, and quickly fell into an easy, wordless rhythm. The school gym was quiet, and I welcomed the silence. There was no need for me to act like everything was okay when no one was around.
For thirty minutes, we ran side-by-side, and when my body was spent, I slowed to a walk, and eventually stopped.
“You want to grab pizza on our way home?” Asked Reid. He stepped off the treadmill, and wiped the sweat from his face.
“Yeah, sounds good. I could do with an early night.”
I walked into the locker room with Reid behind me, and started grabbing my things from the locker.
Reid was about to say something when his phone rang, and he frowned at the screen.
“Hey, Jade. What’s up?”
I stiffened, my thoughts immediately going to Kennedy. She was one of many things in my mind that I’d been trying hard to avoid by staying busy, but more often than not, she was still there. I shook my head, and stood, waiting for Reid.
“Wait, I can’t understand you, Jade. I need you to calm down, sweetheart. What’s wrong?”
He listened intently, and I watched his face for some kind of indication of what was going on. His frown deepened. “Okay, I’ll be there as soon as I can. Sit tight.”
He ended the call, and with hurried movements retrieved his bag from his locker. He wouldn’t look at me, but I could feel the worry, and panic, coming off of him in waves.
“Reid, what’s wrong?”
He pulled his hands through his sweaty hair, and blew out a breath. When he looked at me I could see the struggle in his eyes. He was deciding whether or not to tell me.
“Nothing. I have to go. You should just…stay here.”
He left, and I followed behind him. “What the hell? What’s going on?”
“I’m going to handle it,” he pushed through the gym doors. “It’s best of you don’t come.”
He tried to brush me off, but I wasn’t having it. “Reid,” I growled his name. “Tell me!”
“No! Let me handle this. You’ll only make it worse if you come with me.”
There was only one reason he’d tell me to stay if there was something wrong with Jade – her phone call obviously had something to do with Kennedy.
“It’s Kennedy, isn’t it?”
He hesitated, and then proceeded to walk over to his Range Rover.
“Goddammit, Reid!” I yelled. “Just fucking tell me!”
His shoulders sagged, and he gave up on fighting me. He knew as well as I did that I’d find out eventually, and he might as well have been from him.
“Jade called. She said something happened to Kennedy, and she can’t get her to calm down. Said she’s hysterical, covered in blood, but she won’t let Jade anywhere near her.”
He was right to tell me to stay. Going over there was the worst idea, but I couldn’t help my sudden need to go. The thought of Kennedy being hurt riled me up something fierce, and I squelched the surprise that came along with those feelings. I didn’t have time to think about why they were there.
“Where are they?” I asked, my voice betraying my concern.
Reid sighed. “Dane, I don’t think - ”
“Just fucking tell me!”
“At their apartment.”
I turned, and started running through the lot, the sound of Reid yelling my name falling away. We were less than a block from our building, and I fought through my fatigue as my legs pushed forward. I cut through the quad, and took a shortcut through the campus.
Our building appeared in front of me, and I reached the double glass doors just as Reid’s tires skid to a stop behind me. I didn’t wait for him. I sprinted up the stairs, not faltering in my stride until I grasped Jade and Kennedy’s door and flung it open.
Jade was standing in the living room, her face red, and blotchy. Her eyes were wide, and she looked downright terrified.
“Where is she?” I asked.
She pointed in the direction of Kennedy’s bedroom with a shaky finger, and I headed that way. Kennedy shrieked, and a loud crash echoed through the apartment. Her room was a mess, the floor strewn with broken glass from her mirror, and the light bulb from her lamp. I crossed the floor, and immediately wrapped my arms around her small frame. In my peripheral, I saw Reid and Jade in the doorway.
“Get Jade out of here,” I half-shouted, struggling to keep Kennedy still. She wriggled in my arms, and fought my hold.
“No, Dane. Let me go!” She whimpered.
“Now,” I said to Reid. He wrapped his arms around Jade, and led her away. Kennedy’s back was to my chest, and I crossed her arms over her chest. Her breathing was ragged, and I noticed the blood on her fisted hands.
“Kennedy,” I said her name as calmly as possible, trying not to rattle her further. “Stop.”
She writhed in my arms, and started kicking wildly. It only made me hold her tighter. Her foot hit my shin, and somehow we ended up on the floor with her cradled between my legs.
I tucked my head into her neck. “Ssshh,” I brushed my lips across her skin. “It’s okay. I’m here.”
The words felt wrong, and inappropriate, but I’d hoped she would hear me anyway. I had no idea if I could get her to calm down, but something inside me wanted to try.
After a few moments, Kennedy’s body sagged against mine, and I felt her shaking. Her breathing slowed, and matched the steady movements of my chest. She cried, and I simply held her.
It was strange. To have her in my arms, looking such a mess, and feel the need to protect her, even after all I’d done to her. The way she reacted to my embrace was confusing, but I chose not to dwell on it. The only reasonable explanation I had was that Jade wasn’t strong enough to get Kennedy to stop, and she had no choice but to stop fighting me because I overpowered her. There was nothing more to it than that. There couldn’t be.
Kennedy leaned her head on my shoulder, but I couldn’t see her face. I wasn’t sure I wanted to.
“Why does it hurt so much?” Her voice was hoarse, and scratchy. “Why does losing them have to be so damn hard?”
My chest constricted, and I sucked in a breath. I wished I hadn’t known what – or who – she was talking about. I wished I didn’t understand the pain, and despair in her voice. But more importantly, I wished those things hadn’t tethered us together.
I couldn’t respond, so I gave her a few minutes, and when I was sure she was calmer, I loosened my grip on her wrists.
“Where are you hurt?” I asked quietly, needing to think about something else.
“My hand, and I think my knee.”
I lifted her hand and she winced. There was a long cut in the center of her palm that had bled all over her hand.
“What happened?”
“I fell… and cut my hand on some glass.” She didn’t offer any more than that, and I didn’t ask. What I needed to do was get her cleaned up, and leave.
“Can you stand?”
She nodded, and slowly rose to her feet. I saw the pieces of broken glass strewn across her floor, and rather than risk her getting her feet cut I lifted her up, and cradled her in my arms. We both remained quiet as I took her into her bathroom, and placed her on the closed toilet. I wet her washcloth with some hot water, and grabbed a first aid kit from the basin cabinet. I felt her eyes on me while I tended to her hand, and then her grazed knee, cleaning both wounds and bandaging up her hand.
The only time I looked at her was when I started cleaning her face, and even then I wasn’t sure what to say. I was afraid that she’d ask me why I was here, but I was even more afraid of my answer – or rather the fact that I couldn’t give her one.
“Will you be okay to get dressed?” I asked, lingering awkward
ly between the bathroom door and where she was seated.
“Yes.”
I gave a sharp nod, and turned around to leave.
“Dane.” Her voice stopped me, but I kept my back to her. “I miss her too, you know.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, and my jaw tensed until my teeth hurt. I couldn’t talk to her like this. It was too much, and if I held onto her words, and the loneliness they conveyed, the wall I’d put up between us would crumble and I couldn’t have that.
Without responding, I walked out. Jade was curled up into Reid’s side on the sofa, but I ignored their gazes as I made my way back our apartment next door.
I stepped into my room, and did the only thing I could to dispel the tornado of feelings coursing through me.
I punched the wall. Over and over and over again.
Until the only pain I was focused on was that in my hand, and not the pain reflected in Kennedy’s voice.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Kennedy
I BLINKED RAPIDLY, trying to adjust to the sunlight filtering into my room. My eyelids protested, and my eyes burned from the dryness that accompanied a full night of crying.
My body felt heavy, but I managed to crawl out from under the covers and sit up, adjusting to the natural light. I felt like crap, but it was nothing compared the ache in my chest. The night before flooded my mind, but I couldn’t cry anymore. There were no tears left.
I dragged myself into a hot shower, hissing when my hand and my knees burned. I’d forgotten all about the injuries, but when I stared at the wet bandage covering my hand, I remembered the way Dane had taken care of me. It was so strange. He was gentle, and attentive, and I had no idea what to make of it. I tried not to think about it too much, which proved easier than I thought thanks to the dull ache forming at the base of my neck. I needed breakfast, Tylenol, and my bed. With that plan in mind, I quickly got dressed, and made my way into the living room where I found Jade and Reid on the sofa.
Jade heard my door, and her head spun around. Her eyes were as puffy as mine, and I smothered the guilt I felt for worrying her so much. I was glad she had Reid though, because I was in no position to comfort her when I couldn’t even comfort myself.
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