by Brea Viragh
“Dad, leave me alone. I’m hiding. It’s…a game.” I turned on my side and dragged the folded blankets closer. Tucked under my chin, they were little consolation, although I wanted them to be.
Instead of letting go like I expected, Curran retained hold of the lid. His fingers drummed along the wood while he considered me. “You know, little one, nothing good comes from hiding from your problems. There are better ways to deal.”
“Who said I was…oh. Me. Ha ha.” A shake of the head hid my face from view. “Let me hang out for a bit, will you? I need privacy and this is the best way to get it.”
“I know your mom can be hard to handle. But she means well. Go on the winter wood walk with her and get it over with.”
Curran was the one reliable person in the house, though I could never see how he dealt with it. I would be restless, stagnant, and no amount of coercion would change my feelings. Despite staying, which I considered his shortcoming, he was a funny fellow. The type of guy who would offer cookies to the garden visitors and make sure they left with their purchases and a bag full of food. I wanted to see him happy, not settled.
I wanted to funnel my own insecurities into him and his fulfillment in life into me.
“She means well,” I repeated. “Sure. She wants me in a wedding dress more than she wants her next breath. Between the three of them I’m going out of my mind. See this?” I pointed to a spot on my temple. “I’m balding. I’m literally losing hair from the stress. It’s starting to fall out in clumps.”
“It’s been hard to handle, but she only wants you to be happy. Can’t blame her for it, because I feel the same way.”
I pushed up, groaning. “Who said I’m not happy? I have a fulfilling life! I have my own apartment, a job that pays well, student loans drowning me, and a steady stream of men willing to warm my bed.” My fingers went up while I counted, and at the look on Curran’s face, I put the last finger down. “Wait, scratch that.”
He shook his head. “I’m your father. Please skip over any mention of intimate partners, please. I’m too worn out to fight for your honor.”
“All I’m saying is I have everything I need. She’s been trying to set me up since I was old enough to need a training bra. It’s getting old. Hell, it’s in the grave and moldering away to dust.”
“Nell…what can I tell you? It’s the holidays and we’re all in misery here.” Curran scratched his chin, glasses tilting. “Try to grin and bear it for another day. Until the snow melts; then you can go home. I’ve done my best to clear a path for you but there’s no way you can make it out of the driveway until a neighbor comes with a tractor.”
My ears perked up at the mention of a tractor. “You called them?”
“Who’s to call? They’re all out working. We’re low on the list of priorities. It could take a while.”
He’d always been a round fellow, my father. A jolly sort of round with a paunch in the midsection. Now his gut overwhelmed his short frame and his hair carried a touch of gray. There were lines around his eyes that hadn’t been there the last time I visited. Or had they been, and I was too stuck in my own world to notice? Either way, the sight of him was a relief.
The tractors might not come, but I had my dad.
“Trust me, I’m counting down the hours. I can rally. I will rally.” I gestured toward the trunk lid. “Now, if you please?”
“You need a minute alone. Wow, do I understand.” Curran leaned against the wall, making no move to release his grip on the trunk. It took me too long to notice his face was ruddy from the weather. Being a man, he was the designated wood carrier, bringing firewood from the shed to the house and repeating until the container was stocked. “The boys get along well, don’t you think?” he commented in the offhanded way of a man who already knew the answer.
“Oh yeah, peachy.”
“I’m glad he brought his friend home.” Curran winked. “I can’t believe how much it changes the atmosphere of the place.”
“What do you want, Dad?” I asked. The blanket dropped until I could see his face. Every inch of whiskered, reddened cheeks and wistful blue eyes.
“Nellie, you need to stop worrying,” he admonished.
“If I stop worrying, my heart will stop beating, and then where would I be?” I sent him a sweet I’m-still-your-little-princess smile.
“I know you tend to over-think every little detail. I’m the same way, and I hate that you had to inherit it from me. But there are things in life…they come your way unexpected-like, and it isn’t worth getting upset over.”
I groaned. “You wouldn’t say such a thing if you knew, Dad. You wouldn’t.”
He sighed, worrying his bottom lip. “I may not always be there when you need me, and maybe I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I’m your father, and I know you. Nolan’s friend is pretty attractive, eh?”
“I can take it from Mom, but if you start playing matchmaker too, I’ll have to find a better hiding spot and not come out until spring thaw.” I rubbed my face. “I’m making a mess of everything.”
“You might be, or you might not. Let’s stick to the business in front of us,” Curran said.
“Which is?”
“Survival. You tackle the hurdle in front of you before moving on to the next one. Think about the end game.”
“Trust me, Dad, I’ve done plenty of thinking about the end game.” I huffed out a breath. “No more analogies. Leave me to myself and we can all pretend we saw nothing. Got it?”
He didn’t seem pleased but closed me inside.
The lid made a sound like a tree limb cracking when he lowered it, cutting off the light and returning me to my dark place. Happy place. I was obviously at my wits’ end, scrubbing my hands over my face. There was no going back now. I wondered what Leda would do if she were in my situation, and decided I would have killed for a cell phone tower. The homestead didn’t have the juice to send out a single text.
I lost track of time in the dark. My tiny moment of calm while I tried to find my center. This wasn’t the way to deal with my issues, I knew. It definitely wasn’t my normal style. Contrary to the advice I gave others, I was the type of person to go ahead with guns blazing. I gave way to my annoyance and it wasn’t until recently I took the time to consider my words.
Kai wasn’t such a bad guy. I didn’t want to admit it, but in the grand scheme of things, he fell pretty high on the spectrum. He was attractive, smart, and a decent human being. Under the right circumstances, if we were in different positions, I might have imagined a future for the two of us together.
My conscious mind couldn’t believe what I was saying, but in the dark, with nothing but my thoughts for company, I had no choice but to face those bleak parts I would rather hide from. Kai was incredible, and we got along well. In a way it reminded me of the good things I’d fallen for with Peter. There was determination there, a willingness to work hard. There was also kindness, although for Peter it had been a means to an end.
I made a sound of displeasure. It was hard to fathom my response to Kai, the way I felt drawn when I wanted to put distance between us. I was losing my mind. Then I remembered the one driving force I’d forgotten.
And her name was Thessaly.
She was a big reason for staying away. Namely because she wanted the two of us miniaturized on top of a wedding cake. If Mom didn’t try to push so hard, I might have liked the guy. Really liked him.
There was also Nolan and his schoolboy crush. I’d told him I would stay away, and in a perfect world it wouldn’t have been difficult. The stirring in my heart was almost as hard to acknowledge as my regard for Kai. I needed to cut our ties for multiple reasons, and alone, in the trunk, I wasn’t sure if I could.
The next time the lid raised, I expected my father again. Holding a drink and issuing a demand to get off my ass and help him with the house chores. Kai held the handle instead.
Speak of the devil. His ears must have been burning. He grinned wide until I caught a gli
mpse of those delightful crooked teeth. “Hi, Nell. What are you doing in the trunk?”
“Trying to escape.” I refused to look at him. There was no way for me to face my demons with him staring down at me. Smelling good.
“Ah. I’m not sure it’s working for you.” Kai took the time to unbutton his coat, flinging it over his free arm. “Please say you aren’t hiding from me.”
“I’m hiding from everyone. You’re not special.” I sat up and grunted when my back cracked.
“This is a chiropractor’s nightmare.” Holding out a hand, Kai helped me to my feet, giving my hand a squeeze. “Come out and talk to me. Don’t cram yourself into a tiny space for privacy’s sake.”
“I’ve had my fill of talking, thanks. Why do you think I found the trunk?” Annoyance crawled up my neck and made it difficult to swallow. Good. Annoyance I could handle. “I should have tried to hide in the bathroom. At least then no one would have come to look for me. I could feign a stomach ache.”
“No, we still would. Be lucky it’s me and not Nolan. He’s been in a mood lately. I may or may not have been trying to outrun him on our walk.”
“You’re telling me. He’s turned into a regular diva.” I spared a glance at his coat. “Going somewhere?”
“Coming from. I took a small walk around the property with your family. Guess I’m not used to having people all around me, either.” He looked contrite. “I put on speed and lost the rest of them on the trail. Seems these twig-like legs are good for something.”
I pictured it in my mind and struggled not to laugh. We stood in the hallway, the clouds casting shadows through the paned glass. “College is an ideal place to be an introvert.”
“Different sort of energy.”
I kept my eyes cast down to the knotty pine floor. “I’ll take a walk too.” My legs ached to move. To do anything besides shifting from room to room trying to make space where there was none.
Kai gestured toward the stairs. “Mind if I join you?”
“Didn’t you just get back?”
“I have no problem going out again. If anything, I think spending time with you will do a body good,” he said.
“I’d rather you not, but I have a feeling I won’t be able to dissuade you. You’re hard to ditch.” I grabbed a blanket from the trunk and followed him down the stairs. It was, indeed, impossible to shake him. Briefly I wondered where the others were and what stroke of luck I’d had to lose them all. I expected Nolan to pop out of the woodwork at any minute. Or Thessaly to pop around a corner with a gleam of interest in her eyes.
Neither was the case. I sent a questioning look to the sky and whatever deity hid behind the storm of snowflakes.
A blast of cold air shocked me the moment I opened the door. Sliding into my boots and drawing the blanket tighter around my shoulders, I pushed into the drifts.
Kai and I walked to the woods. His shoulders hunched and hands went to his pockets against the chill. Listening to him talk and laugh, I realized I enjoyed our time together more and more, Mom’s wishes aside. It irritated me to no end. Much to my chagrin, he was good company. I imagined different circumstances, if we weren’t the two people we were and had met at another point in time. Getting to know him better would have been easy and enjoyable, instead of something I wanted to avoid.
He had bookish intellect, an understated astuteness he displayed in every aspect of his being. There were also the adorable eyes, cute puppy-dog grin, and his fabulous moves. The terrible, wonderful moves I couldn’t help but dream about at night.
We threaded a path through the trees with lazy talk between us, drifting from our favorite movies, to speculations for upcoming political events, to recounting the ways we’d suffered for love in the past.
“You must be ready to get back to school.” I changed subjects yet again. “It will be a world of difference after being sequestered in the country for so long. Away from civilization and a coffee shop on every corner.”
“It will be nice to be busy again. I left my laptop behind when we got in the car and now my fingers are itching to write code.” Kai demonstrated by flexing his knuckles and mimicking typing on a keyboard. “Sadly, it seems we’ll leave just as I’m getting my bearings.”
“Ready to murder the natives yet?” I asked with a teasing bump against his arm.
“Sure. You’re first on my list,” he told me. “And once I’m done with you I’ll start on the rest.”
“I knew the Scrabble game would push you over the edge.”
“I’m a twenty-four-year-old shut-in. I can handle whatever your mother throws at me,” he assured. “I’ve seen worse. I once lived with a woman who had a terrible mother-in-law. She would come over at odd hours with outfits for us ‘poor foster kids’ and books on manners. She was an ogre.”
“No Cinderella story for you?”
Kai chuckled. “I wouldn’t fit in the shoes.”
“If I had your confidence, I would bottle it.” I glanced up at the sky. Full of promise and precipitation. “Probably make a million dollars selling it on the black market.”
“Where will you go with your black-market money?” Kai teased. “Someplace far away, I bet.”
“I’ll be in Bora Bora, with my own private tiki hut only accessible by boat.” I held my fingers in front of us like a picture frame. “I’ll have sexy native boys to feed me treats by day and mamba with me under the moonlight until I pass out.”
“Sounds dreamy.” Our arms knocked together while we walked. A product of the snow making the path unlevel, my rational mind stated. An unwitting desire to touch, my subconscious argued.
We shifted our direction and headed for home. I noted the path worn by their first walk, and stepped into existing footprints. It made walking much easier.
“What are the plans for the evening?” he wanted to know. “I’m not sure we can escape them for long.”
I moaned. “Actually, I heard a rumor about more board games. I clicked off after I heard cards and went upstairs to take care of business.”
“Locking yourself in a trunk.”
“Exactly.” I shot him a flirtatious smile. “You must have tricks up your sleeve to have found me there. If anyone came to get me, it would be Nolan. My father cornered me once but he’s the kind of guy who will look the other way, so to speak.”
He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “It was one of your secret hiding spots, I gather?”
“I should have a sign around my neck.” I pointed to a spot below my collarbone. “Unimaginative.”
“It’s fine. I was never good at hide-and-seek either. My foster brothers and sisters used to make me do the counting because I always picked the same spot to hide in. Every time, without fail.”
I felt a pull of sympathy for the awkward boy I imagined. Skinny, probably shy, the misfit who longed for a place of his own and couldn’t seem to fit in anywhere. “We didn’t play. We were encouraged to get outside and run around instead. Probably a good way to expend our energy instead of running around the house like hooligans.”
“The story of my childhood. You didn’t come inside until it was time for dinner. And forget about television. I grew up in the age where you watched educational videotapes for an hour and nothing more. I didn’t know what cartoons were until I was in my third foster home.”
“No joke?”
“Nope.”
“We weren’t allowed to watch television either. There was always talk of electromagnetic waves damaging our fragile little minds.”
“I can see your mother was right about something.”
“Jerk.”
He flushed, struggling to keep up with me. I knew the trails and had spent more than my fair share of time hiking the forests, climbing trees, and finding hidden caves on the mountainside. My legs were built for stamina, whereas Kai was used to sitting in an office chair for hours on end.
In the end I decided to give him a break and slow my pace. It was, after all, his second walk of the day.
&n
bsp; “Whatever the results, I think you turned out well,” he finished.
“Thanks, I guess.”
“You know, when the holidays are over and we all have a moment to spare, I want to go out to dinner with you.”
“Go out to dinner.” I snorted. “Right.”
“I’m serious.”
The look in his eyes brought heat to my abdomen. It had nothing to do with the exercise. “I don’t have any free time.” I wiggled away when he reached for me.
“Aw, you’re killing me. I’m taking a risk here. I know you’ll pound me into oblivion if I say something wrong.”
“At least you’re smart enough to realize your limitations.”
“I’m a man who doesn’t believe in limitations.” Kai jogged forward, catching up and brushing his hand along my shoulders. “I think about you all the time.”
“Flattery gets you nowhere.”
“I remember you slick and wet, legs spread while you waited for me to thrust inside.”
The blood rushed from my head and I tripped, unable to focus on where my feet took me. Too wrapped up in the picture Kai presented.
“When I’m alone, I think about it too.” I glanced over to meet his eyes, the statement sounding too loud in the quiet hush. Our boots crunched along the powdery ground and, if only for a moment, I saw the two of us walking like this tomorrow. In five years. Ten, twenty, thirty years later, he would still be at my side.
The thought humbled and scared me.
“When you’re alone? I think about it when I’m eating. When I’m brushing my teeth. When my head hits the pillow and my dreams are filled with you,” he said in earnest. “There isn’t a minute of the day that goes by where you aren’t inside my head.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. Part of me warmed at his admission, while the other…did what it did best. Got mad.
“You can’t say these things to me,” I burst out. “It isn’t right.”
“It’s right to me.”
I reeled and nearly dumped my every insecurity on him. The Nell I knew and loved didn’t need a man to be there for her. She had friendship, a solid sense of direction, and a true purpose. But I was forced to confess I wanted him there too.