Lara felt guiltily relieved. She thought she should object—refuse to let him go, proving her love and devotion. But deep down, she was glad. Wasn’t this exactly what she’d hoped would happen? Her father, strong and invincible, whisking in to save the day. She was nothing without him. Just a reckless, foolish girl.
Marlene laid her head on Gerald’s shoulder without a word. It was settled. Extending an arm out toward Lara, Marlene welcomed her daughter into the fold. Together, the three of them stood in a silent embrace.
But there was a fourth presence in the kitchen: Regret.
Regret for the choices they made and the decisions which brought them to this point of disaster. It circled them, nudged them. They didn’t fight it.
Twenty-Two
“When?” Marlene sat on the edge of her bed watching her husband pull clothes from their closet and stuff them into a large leather duffle bag. In the corner, Lara stood like a child in punishment, hands clasped in front of her stiff body. Her eyes followed Gerald back and forth across the room.
“I’ll leave around midnight. Better to drive through the night—less conspicuous. Should be early morning by the time I get to Salzburg.”
“Shouldn’t we wait another day? Make sure we’ve figured out the best plan?”
“There’s no time, Marlene.”
Suddenly unsure, Marlene bit her nails. “I just don’t know if we’ve thought this through. There’s so many possible consequences. What if you’re arrested? How do you even know where to find him?”
“I’ll find him.”
He zipped the bag as he said this, and the gesture paired with his declaration sounded so convincing.
Of course you will, Lara wanted to shout. The idea that her father wouldn’t find Erich was almost inconceivable. She put blind faith in his ability. Like most fathers to their children, Gerald was invincible, a hero. Only Marlene’s hesitation caused Lara any inkling of doubt.
“Maybe we should try to locate him first? That way you’re not searching all over Salzburg or beyond,” Marlene tried. “Couldn’t you reach out to someone for help? You still have so many connections in Austria, Gerald.”
Gerald whipped his head up to face her. Marlene’s eyes pleaded. His severe look made her take a step back.
“The Austria we knew is no longer,” he said, coolly. “You know that, Marlene. Our grandson is in a hostile, unpredictable place. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to wait another day to try to find him. I don’t care if it’s a German-controlled state or not. I’m going.”
Lara’s skin tingled. It was the first time she’d ever heard her father refer to Erich as his grandson. The moment was bittersweet. Finally, the acknowledgement she’d craved, but under all the wrong circumstances. Lara wanted to leap into her father’s arms, but guilt rooted her to the floor.
You did this, she told herself. See the pain on his face? It’s your doing. Not even her father’s intense determination could hide the sobering truth.
Gerald and Marlene faced each other in a standoff—one Marlene knew she’d lost before it even started. There was no changing his mind. Realizing this was happening today, whether she liked it or not, Marlene shifted the conversation to more productive arguments.
“How are you going to get across the border?”
“Don’t worry about that. I’ll figure something out.”
“And then what? You’re just going to waltz into Salzburg and drive around until you see a blonde-haired man with a baby?”
“I have a plan, Marlene.” His firmness put a halt to her line of questioning. Grabbing her hands, he pulled her to him. Marlene took in his crystal blue eyes—the same ones she had fallen in love with years ago. His tone softened. “The less you know, the better. I’ll be okay. I promise.” Gerald cupped her face in his hand. They couldn’t stay angry at each other for long.
“Oh Gerald, I’m so scared.” She inhaled a sharp breath.
“Shhh. It’s okay. I need you to be strong. For the children.”
Lara bowed her head and hot tears dripped onto the carpet as she watched her parents embrace. She wished she could melt through the wall and disappear from the intimacy of the moment, knowing full well if it weren’t for her decisions, their family wouldn’t be in this situation. Shame made her stay. She deserved to feel all the pain.
Gerald grinned, his thin lips pressed together. It was a cover, surely—a façade to hide his nerves. But then again, they were good at façades.
He ran a finger down the bridge of Marlene’s nose and tapped its soft tip. Marlene managed a smile.
***
The children woke one by one and lumbered downstairs, gasping at the sight of Lara sitting at the kitchen island, Marlene at her side. They ran to her, arms wildly reaching. Each reacted slightly differently, yet all expressed the same unbridled love of siblings.
“Lara! You’re back!”
“Where were you?”
“Why did you leave?”
“Oh Lara, we missed you!”
Joy and relief...but then:
“Where’s Erich?”
Lara listened with large, liquid eyes. Hearing the same questions over and over multiplied her guilt six-fold. How could she have done this to her family? She was lower than low. Would they ever forgive her?
With each barrage of questions, Marlene swooped in with her inherent softness.
“Don’t worry, children,” she said. “Erich will be alright. Your father will find him and bring him home. Until then, we’ll lift him up to the Lord. He’ll protect Erich, protect us all.”
The little girls nodded, even though they couldn’t possibly understand. For that, Marlene was thankful—their naivete served as a blessing. Father would fetch Erich and all would be well. Of course! Was there really any alternative?
But the older children could read between the lines. And the tension in the room was palpable. They studied Lara’s body language and noted their parents’ grim expressions. Even Marlene’s cheerful disposition seemed phony—and that was enough to worry them.
Felix reached a hand to Lara and gave her a knowing squeeze. He wrestled with his own grief. Could he have prevented this? Picturing the night Lara left, he kicked himself at letting her go so easily. You should have been more forceful—what kind of man are you?
By the time all the children awoke and gathered in the kitchen it was nearing nine o’clock. “Let’s get some breakfast,” Marlene said, hoping to re-establish some sense of routine. At the stove, she fried eggs and placed each on atop a piece of brown toast.
“Mmmmm,” Gloria announced.
Lara considered her sister. How wonderful the simplicity of childhood. A younger version of herself wanted nothing more than to grow up. Now, she’d give anything to make the harsh realities of the world go away.
As ravenous as she was, Lara couldn’t stomach the smell of the food. She retreated to the den and curled up into the corner of the couch. The normalcy of it all was unbearable. Nothing was normal. She feared nothing would be normal ever again.
The rest of the day progressed in a haze. From his office, Gerald called the Chief Medical Officer to tell him he would need to take a temporary leave, effective immediately. His request was met with concern, but he assured his superior it was a family matter that would be solved soon. They conceded with full confidence.
Marlene phoned the schools. She informed them that the family was taking a short vacation and that the children wouldn’t be present for several days.
“I’ll arrange for them to make up their work,” she said over the phone. The children were smart, they would catch up easily. It was a provisional explanation, one that would do for the time being. The teachers didn’t question, for what was Marlene if not pure and trustworthy? Marlene knew she’d have to come up with alternate arrangements should her husband be gone longer than they hoped.
“But I have a group project this week,” Bettina complained, aghast at tarnishing her perfect attendance record and subsequen
t model student status.
“You’ll survive,” Lena said.
“I’m sorry, darling,” Marlene added. “We just can’t risk it.”
“I won’t say anything. I know how to keep a secret.”
“I’m sure you do, dear. But it’s better if we all just stay put. Hopefully it will only be a few days.”
Bettina huffed. The other youngsters celebrated, happy to stay home—the girls content to continue making clothes for their dolls, and Karl thrilled to be excused from gym class. But Lena and Felix, older and wiser, took no pleasure in either scenario.
“How are we supposed to go on like nothing’s happened?” Lena whispered to her brother.
Somehow, they did.
Atyellow dinner, Marlene prepared potato goulash—a family favorite—but the lumpy cream mounds went untouched. No one had an appetite. Instead, they sat awkwardly at the table, pushing food around their plates like a bunch of toddlers being forced to eat their vegetables.
Fear pulled itself up to the table like one of the gang, its nasty air sucking the liveliness from the room. There was no sense in trying to pretend. They were scared. Worry seeped from the radiators; their spirited home was no more.
As the evening hours ticked away, the family gathered in the living room—a silent gesture of camaraderie before the inevitable. The children huddled around their father, grasping onto whatever piece of him they could touch. Gloria and Miriam sat on his lap, each taking a thigh and leaning into the solid block of his chest. At his feet, Bettina and Karl wrapped their arms around Gerald’s legs, laying their heads on his kneecaps. Lena and Felix sat on opposite sides, bookending their father and trying to sniffle to only themselves.
He was their protector. And he was leaving.
Across the room, Lara and Marlene sat on the smaller loveseat, their legs touching. Marlene let the girl’s body sink into her own, helping to absorb the weight of her sadness. Her husband and children were entwined into a ball of arms and legs and melancholy faces. Miriam sniffled.
No one spoke. There was nothing to say. The room was quiet except for the low tick of the grandfather clock, which loomed over them from the corner.
Eventually, little eyes drooped and limbs grew heavy. The children fell asleep where they sat. Marlene gave a subtle nod, and Gerald carefully slid from the couch. The youngest girls took up the space he’d left, the crowns of their heads bumped up against each other.
When he moved, Bettina, Karl, and Lena roused. They looked around, groggily.
“Is it time?” Karl asked, his eyes barely slits.
“Yes, darling,” Marlene said. Karl frowned, looking to his father.
“No tears,” Gerald said. “Off to bed. Everything will be okay. I’ll see you soon.”
The three middle children climbed the stairs to their rooms, looking back every few steps. When they were out of sight, Gerald turned to Felix. Tall and strong, the boy stood straight with his chest puffed up. He attempted a brave face, though his quivering chin gave him away.
“Can’t I come with you, Father?”
“No, son.” Gerald shook his head. “I need you to stay. You’re the man of the house while I’m gone.”
“But I can help you. I don’t want you to be alone.”
“I’ll be fine. You must stay.”
Felix’s body physically deflated, like a balloon pricked by a pin. Gerald knew how much the boy admired him and craved his respect. “Well I’ll at least see you off, then.”
Gerald agreed to this much.
With the younger children in bed, Marlene packed some food and a canister of water into her husband’s bag. How exactly he was getting to Salzburg, let alone where he planned to stay, she didn’t know. He insisted it was best to keep her in the dark on the details. Would he be gone two days or two weeks? She packed as much as she could fit, just in case.
They met at the bottom of the stairs—her from the kitchen, him from gathering his bag in their bedroom. As he descended, Gerald slipped his second arm into a wool suit coat, buttoning the front all the way up. The velvet green lapels folded over, tacked down with gilded pins from his service to the government.
The two clapped eyes on each other, a single look saying a thousand unspoken vows.
You are mine, I am yours.
I’ve never loved another. I’ll never love another again.
Come home.
The clock struck ten, an ominous foreboding. The foursome—Gerald, Marlene, Lara and Felix—in an effort to delay the inevitable, avoided eye contact. Felix stifled a cough. Finally, deciding that waiting any longer would just bring more pain, Gerald dipped his head.
“I’m ready.”
They walked him to the front door where he swung the duffle over his shoulder. Gerald pulled Lara in tight and kissed the top of her head. Her eyes were recessed and hollow. To Felix, he extended a hand and shook it with the authority of a military captain, but the tenderness of a father. The children took a step aside, giving Marlene room to come forward. She reached up and traced the line of her husband’s thick brow, letting her finger glide down the curve of his face.
“I know God will bring you back to us,” she said. “Both of you.”
“I love you, Marlene.”
He pressed his lips against hers. Marlene squeezed her eyes shut, praying that if she wished hard enough she’d open and everything would vanish into the smoke of a nightmare. But when she released, there he stood—the man who had expanded her heart to a love she never knew existed. He was resolute, the weight of the world on his shoulders. She bit her lip to stop from crying.
Gerald took a final glance at his family, then briskly turned and jogged to the car waiting at the curb.
He didn’t look back.
Twenty-Three
Gerald drove in a trance. Eyes fixed on the illuminated road, he watched as the city limits of Zürich faded from view. Soon, the swelling silhouette of the great Alps surrounded him. A soaring border between the countries, the mountains stood like a fortress, guarding who passed through. He sped east, planning to circle Liechtenstein and enter Austria to the north.
The rugged contour of the peaks rose from the ground, scraping the sky. The sight of them transported Gerald back to the time he’d led his family over the crests on foot. The journey felt like yesterday: lush green hills merging into rocky paths, where single file on hope and prayer was the only way to proceed. He’d been nervous—much like he was now—but determined not to show it.
Seeing the mountains in this moment brought back all the overwhelming emotions of their escape two years ago. Like déjà vu. Only now, his motive was reversed—instead of crossing the mountains to flee adversaries, he was crossing to meet them head on.
Gerald pressed on, ignoring the menacing cliffs and their provocation. They whispered to him, warning of the threat that laid on the other side.
After close to two hours, the border came into view. A small, dingy checkpoint booth sat at the side of the road. Above it, a rickety overpass supported a sign in bold, black lettering.
Sie kommen nach Ostmark
You are entering Ostmark
Gerald cringed at the renaming. Who did the Nazi’s think they were? Austria would always be Austria—nothing else—in his mind.
He clenched his jaw tight, feeling the resentment swelling. It’s just a name. Don’t think about it, Gerald told himself. It was not the time for pride. He had to get this right, or else the rest of his plan would be worthless.
As the car inched forward, a young officer stumbled from the booth looking dazed, clearly not expecting traffic. He pointed a flashlight in Gerald’s direction. A shiny pistol was clipped to the officer’s belt, and the man—was he even eighteen?—brought his hand to the holster as he approached the driver’s side of the car.
Straightening in his seat, Gerald cleared his throat, and rolled down the window.
“Good evening,” he said with a smile.
“What are you doing out at this hour?�
�� the officer asked, tipping his nose in the air.
Gerald laughed inside. Oh, the confidence...
With years of authority and influence behind him, Gerald had no trouble in the art of persuasion. That the guard was merely a boy only made it easier.
“On official business,” he responded, touting equal clout. Intimidation was a tactic he’d mastered long ago, and he planned to use it to his advantage.
If getting past the SS required a bit of acting, Gerald had the script ready. He’d play the part.
The officer eyed the pins on Gerald’s jacket. “I’ll need to see your identification.”
Taking the folded paper from Gerald’s outstretched hand, the boy skimmed the card. When his eyes widened—as Gerald expected they would—he jerked his head up.
“I’m sure you recognize my family name,” Gerald said smoothly, speaking before the boy had a chance. It was time to set the plan in motion. “I’m here to report for my medical position. Admiral Von Schreiber is expecting me.”
The officer’s hand holding the paper trembled in midair. He glanced over his shoulder to the booth, where Gerald knew there’d be a radio with backup on the other end. One call and he could be taken into custody. He had to keep the boy at the car.
“I’ll need to make a call to verify this.” He turned toward the booth.
“No!” Gerald shouted, making the young officer pivot back. Then regaining his calm demeanor, “Can you imagine how angry your superiors would be at being woken up after midnight? I imagine that could be just cause for punishment. You wouldn’t want to be thought of as incompetent, would you?” A glint of ego twinkled in his eye. The smugness would easily have infuriated the boy if he weren’t so frightened.
The officer second-guessed himself. His face reddened. Realizing the insult disguised within Gerald’s forwardness, his eyebrows furrowed.
It was exactly as Gerald had planned. He registered this reaction, and pleased, he continued.
“Come now, officer…what’s your tag say? Wagner. Officer Wagner, do you really want to hold me up and make me late to meet with the head of the Wehrmacht?”
All That Shines and Whispers Page 16