by Ann Bannon
Just so it's normal, she thought angrily. I won't hate it but I couldn't stand an abnormal child. God, I've got to talk to somebody, somebody who doesn't know, who'll put it out of my mind. She thought of Inga then, but she couldn't remember her last name and she wasn't too sure where the girl lived. She had been too drunk that night.
And then, for no apparent reason, she thought of Lili. Beautiful, brazen Lili. At least Lili would talk. Laura wouldn't have to open her mouth. Maybe it would be better that way. She wouldn't betray any secrets to Beebo's old lover about her marriage. But Lili would be only too happy to tell Laura what had gone on between Beebo and Tris if only to see her squirm, and Laura was burning to know.
She went to the phone booth at the back of the store and looked up Lili. She was still listed, still in the same apartment on Greenwich Avenue. It was late afternoon by the time Laura got there. Lili would just be getting out of bed, if she followed the same habits she used to have.
Laura felt very tired and reluctant when she finally found the right building and the right button to press; afraid and a little ashamed. But she rang anyway, as if she had no will to stop herself. And when the answering ring came she went inside and walked up the stairs.
Lili, hanging over the bannister to see who was waking her up so early, saw her coming. Laura stopped on the first landing at her amazed, “Laura! Again! Are you a ghost?"
Laura gazed up, her long pale hair hanging defiantly free and her eyes blue-shadowed the way they were when she was tired or scared. Now she was a little of both.
"No, no ghost,” she said.
"I don't believe you. But come in anyway. I have the most divine friend who's a Medium. Where the hell have you been? I thought sure you'd come back, after you saw Beebo a couple of weeks ago.” She watched Laura mount the stairs as she spoke and took her by the arm when Laura reached her. “You look worn out, poor lamb,” she said. “I'll give you a drink. What do you want?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing!” It was an explosion, not a question. “God. Next you'll be telling me you've gone straight."
"I came to ask about Beebo,” Laura said.
"Oh,” said Lili knowledgeably. “I thought so.” She went about fixing Laura and herself a drink in spite of Laura's objections. “Well, lamb, what about her?"
"Are she and Tris living together?"
"Mercy, who told you that?” Lili turned to stare at her.
"A friend of mine."
"Your friend lies. They aren't living together and they never did. Oh, Tris spent the night with her a few times. You know how it is.” She laughed sociably, coming toward Laura with two filled glasses. “Here, lamb, I insist. It'll revive you. My doctor says—"
"Tell me about Tris and Beebo."
"Well,” Lili said, confidentially. “It was just an affair."
"What does that mean?” she said.
"It means when you can't get what you want you take what you can get,” Lili said archly.
"They saw each other all the time. Beebo even had Tris going into the gay bars. I know this, Lili, don't hide it,” Laura said.
"All right, all right,” Lili said soothingly. ‘Tris had to go to the gay bars to find Beebo, that's all. Beebo's never home. You know how she is. And she didn't chase Tris so Tris had to chase her."
Laura felt an ineffable lightening of the heart. Somehow, if it had to happen, that was the best way.
'Tris was nuts about her,” Lili said juicily. “She came over when she got back from Long Island last summer ... without you, if you recall."
"I recall."
"Yes. Well! Beebo was pretty low. You may remember that, too.” She looked at Laura sharply, and Laura looked at the floor and refused to answer. “Anyway, Tris fell into her arms and Beebo just caught her. I wish I could say that Beebo fell for her. I think it would have spared her some of the agony you inflicted on her.” So now it was out in the open. Lili spoke dramatically, but it wasn't all playacting. She had loved Beebo once, and she didn't like to see her hurt as Laura had hurt her.
The two females eyed each other, wary but curious, each eager to know what the other could tell her. Lili was ready to hurt Laura to find out. She had seen what happened to Beebo when Laura left her, and it was shocking. Laura didn't know about it, and to Lili it seemed as if she was nothing but a spoiled, headstrong little bitch who didn't care whom she hurt ... a little like Lili herself ten years before, and that made Lili even more critical.
If Laura were told how hard Beebo had taken it—how intensely she had suffered and torched for her—maybe it would touch her and make her sorry. Lili enjoyed the idea of Laura on her knees to Beebo, and Beebo kicking her out. For she knew what Laura did not—that Beebo was a different girl now. And to Lili's way of thinking it meant that Beebo would never take Laura back.
So they were agreed, without having said a word about it, that Lili would talk and Laura would listen to her; Lili because she had to hurt and Laura because she had to know.
Lili lighted a cigarette and stuck it carefully into an ebony holder with a water filter, a rather bulky conversation piece. Everything she did was staged.
"I'm going to talk turkey to you, lamb,” she informed her guest. “Now that I have you in my clutches.” She smiled slightly, a warning smile.
'Talk,” Laura said. “But I'd appreciate it if you'd spare me the sermon."
’”I'm sure you would.” Lili gazed at her. “But, unfortunately, you need a sermon. Oh, just a little one, of course. I won't be crude about it."
Laura ignored her, picking up the drink she didn't think she wanted and sipping at it.
"Well,” Lili began. “You almost killed her. I suppose you could have guessed that."
"I knew it would be hard for her,” Laura said, “but not that bad.” Her voice said she thought Lili was exaggerating, but in her heart she was afraid ... afraid it was true.
"It was bad enough to send her to the hospital with a stomachful of sleeping pills. I know. I took her over.” She said this with her green eyes flaring and her voice low enough to make Laura strain a little to hear her.
"Oh, damn it, Lili, don't make up a melodrama for me!” Laura cried.
"I thought I was stating it rather plainly. But I'll try again."
"Beebo wouldn't take sleeping pills!” Laura said contemptuously, and this she really believed. “It's not like her. It's too—I don't know—phony. It's more like something you'd do than Beebo."
"Luckily I'm not in love with you, pet,” Lili countered. They glared at each other. “You don't know her at all, do you?” Lili went on. “You lived with her for more than two years, and you just don't know her at all."
"I know her better than anybody! What do you mean?"
"All right, lamb, we won't argue the point. Anyway, when she got back from the hospital she was terribly despondent. I kept telling her you'd come back. Everybody did. I didn't believe it, of course, but I was afraid if I told her you were gone for good she'd try something worse than sleeping pills."
"Did she drink awfully hard?"
"Are you kidding? She drank like a fish, naturally,” Lili said. “As if you had to ask. Then she got a job. But I'm getting ahead of myself. You wanted to hear about Tris."
Again she smiled, and Laura hated her smile. “Just tell me, Lili,” she said. “Without the dramatics."
"Certainly, darling ... Well, Tris came back and the first thing she did was come looking for you to tell you she was sorry. I don't know for what. But I was there when she arrived. I couldn't leave Beebo alone for five minutes, it was that bad. So anyway, we were having dinner when Tris came and she looked very surprised not to see you, but if you ask me, she was thrilled to death. She's been on the make for Beebo ever since you met at the dress shop. She strung you along for a contact with Beebo."
"I don't believe you,” Laura lied bravely. “Go on."
"Well, darling, that makes it slightly awkward. It's essential to the narrative that you believe it.” But Lau
ra's cold white face discouraged her sarcasm and she went on. “Well, Tris was nuts for her. That time she burst in on you and Beebo got so mad—yes, she told me about it—she came to see Beebo, not you. She didn't care a damn if it got you in trouble. The only thing she cared about was seeing Beebo. She wasn't very happy about the way Beebo treated her then, but she's had better luck since...
"Well, Beebo didn't even try to fight her off. She just let her in and they spent a couple of weeks together. And the whole time that awful Milo—Tris's husband—I think you've met?—yes. That must have been jolly.” She grinned maliciously. “Well, Milo was over there all the time, just mad as hell. It's a wonder he didn't kill Beebo, the way Tris carried on about her. It took him four whole months to drag her away, and Tris still comes over whenever she can sneak out. But Beebo and Milo get along better now. Since he realised Beebo's not in love with his wife.
"For some strange reason she can't seem to fall in love with anybody. I think she's crazy myself. I mean, after all, you're not that irresistible.” She paused and Laura took advantage of it to switch the subject, fast.
"What about the job? You said she had a job."
"Oh, yes, I did, didn't I? Well, she's waiting on tables at the Colophon. Oh, don't look so disappointed, lamb, she lilies it. Besides, she can wear pants.” Lili knew how Laura hated Beebo's elevator uniform, and it pleased her to point out that Beebo hadn't reformed. “She works from five to eleven,” Lili went on. “Really very good hours. And then of course she's free to get soused till dawn."
"Does she?"
"Sometimes."
"Is it very bad?” Laura asked, her voice a little shaky with fatigue.
"Sometimes."
"God, Lili, is that all you can say? Sometimes? Tell me about her, I haven't heard anything for eight months!"
"That's the way you wanted it, darling."
"No. No, it isn't,” she whispered. “That's the way it had to be."
"I would say—judging strictly from your very interesting diary—that you were glad to get rid of Beebo. Maybe you're just here to ease your conscience, hm? Be sure she hasn't done anything messy you'd have to blame yourself for?"
Laura had to look away for a minute. The shame was too plain on her face. “That was a stupid thing, that diary,” she mumbled. She started crying softly, helplessly. “Lili, cut out the sarcasm,” she pleaded, knowing it would do no good. “Why, don't be silly!” Lili exclaimed, enjoying the scene. I haven't an ounce of sarcasm in me. I'm just a reporter giving you the facts."
"You're a lousy gossip columnist!” Laura said. “You're all dirty digs and snide cracks, and about a tenth of what you say is true. Tris Robischon was shy and neurotic. She hated gay bars. She wouldn't have gone in if she hadn't been forced. She hated gay people so much that she wouldn't associate with them."
"Like hell,” Lili said elegantly. “She lived in the Village, didn't she? Who do you mink her ballet pupils were, any way?"
"Children! Men! Little girls!"
"And big girls, darling."
"She never had affairs with them. She might have slept with one or two of the men, but not with the girls. I'm sure of it"
"Have you talked to Milo about that?"
"No ... not about that. But I know Tris!"
"Must be wonderful to be so sure of yourself, pet,” Lili drawled. “The fact is, your little pseudo-Indian slept with dozens of her pupils. She went to the Lessie bars because Beebo did, and Beebo's not the first girl she's done it with. You can check it. Go ask the bartender at the Cellar. Ask the lovelies at the Colophon. At Julian's. Go on. Scared?"
Laura stood up suddenly and headed for the door. “I've had enough, Lili. Thanks. Thanks a lot” She spoke briefly, afraid of more tears, and grabbed her coat as she went But Lili got up and ran after her.
"But darling, I want to know where you've been all this time!"
"It's no business of yours."
"Oh, tell me, Laura. Don't be difficult,” she said. “Beebo would be interested,” she wheedled.
"Oh, I doubt it. After what you've told me. But just foe the record, I've been living uptown."
"Where uptown?"
But Laura shook her head.
"Alone?” Lili said.
"No.” Laura didn't know why she said it. It just seemed easier than arguing. Besides, she didn't want Lili to think she was friendless and despised everywhere.
"You know, Jack Mann disappeared from the Village the same time you did,” Lili said, her voice vibrant with curiosity.
"Yes."
"Do you know where he is?"
"I see him now and then.” She slipped her coat on and opened the front door, not bothering to look back at Lili. Her face was streaked with tears and torment and she wanted to go, to get out, to hide somewhere.
"Where are you going, pet? Why in such a hurry?"
"I'm a little sick, Lili, thanks to you. You have that effect on me,” Laura said.
Lili laughed charmingly. “Imagine!” she said. “It's an even trade, then. Well, just so you don't go near Beebo, I guess it's safe to let you loose."
"I have no intention of going near Beebo,” Laura said coldly, turning to look at her.
"Good,” Lili said. “She'd kill you for sure."
Laura felt a red fury come up in her and she stepped back into the living room, her face so strange and tense that Lili, for the first time since Laura had come, became rather alarmed.
"Lili, goddamn you to hell, quit telling lies! Quit exaggerating!” Laura cried. “I hurt Beebo, but not that much. I didn't ruin her life, for God's sake! Or cripple her or kill her or drive her crazy! And I won't stand here and be accused of something I didn't do. Beebo's no angel, you know. Beebo damn near drove me out of my mind when we lived together. She hurt me more than once—I mean really hurt, and I've got scars to prove it I know she loved me, but that doesn't make her perfect and me a doubledamned bitch. Love affairs have broken up before. The world keeps on spinning!” She spoke fiercely to bolster up her words. For the truth was that Laura remembered only too well the night Beebo had told her she might kill her someday, and then herself.
But she couldn't let Lili see that, or suspect it, or think that Laura feared it. She hated Lili with all the force of her own fear and uncertainty and resentment at that moment, and her wild hair and hot face actually did scare Lili.
"All right,” Lili said finally, putting her drink down on a dainty Empire drawer table near the door. “All right, Laura Landon, I'll tell you something.” And Laura saw now that Lili had to defend the things she had said with a good serving of bitter anger: the piece de resistance. “You think Beebo would welcome you back with loving arms? You think she'd forgive you?"
"I didn't say that!"
"You think I've been kidding about how hard she took it when you broke up? When you left her? Sure you do. You make yourself think it. Because you don't want to feel guilty about it. But you listen to this. Listen!” she cried suddenly as Laura made a sudden move to leave.
Lili threw herself against the door, panting with the exaltation of mingled fear and pleasure at hurting Laura. “Remember Nix? Remember that nice little dog you hated so much? Oh, you hated him all right. Beebo didn't have to tell me, I saw it with my own eyes. Everybody did. You did everything but kick him. And I wouldn't be surprised if you did even that when nobody was looking. Well, what happened to poor Nix?"
"You know damn well!” Laura flashed, feeling trapped and desperate. “You know as well as I do. Let me out of here, Lili!"
"He died, didn't he? Rather messily. Let's say, horribly. Such a nice little dog. You know how he died, Laura?"
"If you're trying to say I did it—"
"Beebo killed him. Sliced him in half with that big chef's knife you had in the kitchen table drawer."
For a horrified second, Laura was silent, paralyzed. She almost fainted. She actually staggered backwards and lost her balance. Lili grabbed her to break the fall and left her lying on the floor, her
face buried in the plush carpet, sobbing, wailing with shock and horror. Even Lili, finally, was worried about her. She tried to snap her out of it with sarcasm.
"You could have shown a little concern when it happened,” she said, “instead of saving it all for now. It's a little late now. Those are crocodile tears, Laura.” But they weren't, and Lili couldn't get much conviction into her voice. She bent over Laura and said, “Stop it! Really, Laura! Don't make a scene. Oh!” she exclaimed in exasperation and alarm. “And she accuses me of theatrics!” she cried to the railing, her hands to her temples.
After a long while Laura rolled over, her breath tumbling uncontrollably in and out of her, her face blotched and stricken.
"It isn't true, is it?” she whispered. “You just wanted to hurt me. Lili?"
Lili, sitting on the edge of her velvet couch, with her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands, said, “It's true.” She gazed at Laura and there was no pose, no elegance in her. It wasn't worth the effort now. Laura was beyond noticing or caring. With her face relaxed, the lines of thirty-seven years showed around Lili's mouth and eyes. She was wondering if the startling effect her words had had was worth it.
Laura looked sick. What a bother to have to call a doctor! She shouldn't have told her. She had had a good time roasting her. She should have let her go. But there was Laura, her bosom heaving, her face a strange color, her eyes enormous. Odd, I never noticed how big they are, Lili thought idly.
"Did anyone ... really ... beat her up?” Laura said, her breath betraying her and making her gasp. “Or did she make up the hoodlums, too—like Nix?” And she covered her face to cry while Lili answered her.
"She did that to herself. After she killed Nix. I don't know why she did it. I hate to admit it, but I guess she did it out of frustrated love. I tried to make her explain it when she told me about it—and believe me, she wouldn't have if she hadn't been fried—and she just said, ‘Laura hated him. I thought she might stay with me longer if he was gone.’ After she did it she beat herself. I don't know how. I don't know with what. She didn't say. Maybe she just whacked at herself with her fists. Maybe she used something heavy. Anyway, she did it while she was hysterical. At least, that's what I think. I don't see how she could have hurt herself that much if she hadn't been half crazy. She was mourning for Nix and she was afraid of losing you."