He laughed out loud. “Quite entertaining. I think your soft persistence won out. He listened. I am very proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone for me.”
I couldn’t help smiling as I thought about our conversation that afternoon. Who knew where the words came from? Oh yeah … the Blessed Spirit … so I was learning something. “So will he come to Jesus, come to you?”
“Not your concern. You did what I asked. You shared. You gave him something to think about and the rest is him and me.”
I stopped, drawing my gaze from the hedges lining our path and stared up at God. “What? You mean I don’t get to know if he turns to you. If what I said helped?”
“Why do you need to know?”
“I … I just would like to know if … I succeeded. If what I said worked or if I need to try something else … with other people.”
“Elizabeth, who spoke this afternoon? You or the Spirit?”
I slapped my own forehead. “I prayed, the Spirit spoke. So I don’t need to practice what I said, right?”
“Why?” God asked.
“Because the Spirit will give me what I need to say.”
“And is everyone you encounter going to be just like Michael?”
“Of course not. We are each unique, because you like variety. I just need to keep practicing listening to you three. And when you nudge, then I will speak.”
“Good, girl.”
I looked back down the path in front of us. Tugging on God’s hand, I led us down the path until I felt a soft breeze across my cheek, blowing my hair just a bit. There you are, I thought to myself, which way do we go?
Here.
Here? There was no break in the hedge at all. Yet the whisper in my heart was clearly saying to turn right into these hedges. Which seemed like cheating somehow. “How do I know if the voice or nudge or conviction is from the Spirit?”
“Is there peace in it? Does it follow scripture? Do you sense any darkness?”
“Then we are supposed to go through this hedge.” I stepped up to it and stuck my arm through to see how thick and if there was a place to push through, and an opening appeared.
“Sometimes the way may be blocked, or appear that way, but if you trust me and step out in faith, I can remove the obstacle or give you what you need to get through.”
“Of course!” I laughed.
We stepped through the opening and looked right and left. “Angel!”
To the right was a short walk into what looked like a curved turn. But to our left—down a long ways—was a raised dais and on it was Angel. He stood and barked hello, his plumed tail waving madly.
I took one, two, three steps and stopped. God was next to me. Angel was ahead. But I felt uneasy inside. I hadn’t listened before turning straight toward Angel. Yet it seemed so clear. Yet it felt wrong.
“Elizabeth?”
“This isn’t the right way.” And again I woke up in bed. He loves doing that to me.
Day Thirty
December 5
November had disappeared into December. Christmas was less than three weeks away. I had always loved Christmas. All of it. The hustle and bustle, the decorating, the shopping for gifts for the people I loved, the wrapping, the parties with friends, the music, and the time with family.
Was it ever perfect? No, absolutely not. But the good outweighed the bad by so so much. I had already decided I wasn’t doing Christmas this year. Now I wanted to celebrate the baby born and the man he would become and the Savior He was to me.
With that in mind, I had asked my mom to buy as many manger scene ornaments as she could find. Bless her heart, she loved to shop, and was generous to everyone. She had dropped off a variety of about thirty nativity scene ornaments. Small. Simple. Each a reminder of how Jesus had entered this world.
So this morning I wrapped and labeled, with the guidance from the Blessed Spirit. I was getting to like this idea that she lived inside of me. It was like having your best friend with you all the time. I didn’t have to explain my thoughts because she already knew me so well.
So we wrapped and labeled together. I put them all in my back pack, put on Dorothy’s red shoes, and my elf hat, and off I went to share my light with others.
I had received word that I was cleared to leave today, but Doc Aimee had reminded me that for leaving the premises to go with Savannah, I had to stay until tomorrow morning. I was planning to slip out early. Yet I selfishly wanted my 30th night with God.
I still had group and my last one-on-one with Doc Aimee, but the rest of the day was free. Paperwork maybe.
Mabel and Cindy were my first stop. I hugged them both tight, kissing Mabel on the cheek. “I couldn’t have done this without you. Thank you for being a child of God.”
I found their presents in my bag and both were pleased.
“Girl, I been collecting nativity scenes for the last ten years. They just make me smile.”
“And this is my first one,” said Cindy. “Thank you.”
I felt the warmth of love spread through me as I traveled through the day. I gave nativity scenes to the two cafeteria ladies, the secretary for all the staff, and chatted with them about Jesus.
Then it was time for group. I loved these people. Damaged, hurting, and struggling to find their way in this world. I felt I should be holding a sign that read “Jesus–this way” but knew the gifts were a gift from my heart and God would use it as he wanted.
Doc Aimee, Savannah and Annie were understandably appreciative. I was most surprised by the extra hug from Savannah, and again I made a mental note to do a Jesus belief check on her. Maybe I could answer a question or share something I had learned.
Michael, our dear anger management case, accepted his gift with quiet, solemn thought. “Thank you.”
Savannah had the floor today. Her drug counseling and growing coping skills were helping her become more confident. She had spoken to both her parents in recent days. She wasn’t sure living with either of them would work, but both had agreed to a few family counseling sessions before Savannah was released.
“I’m just not sure if they understand how much freedom I got at dad’s, and how strict it was at mom’s house, and how I really don’t know what I want to do with my life.”
Doc Aimee agreed. “It’s a process learning to be a family when there is divorce. But we’ll work on it together.”
“I know. It’s just when I think of moving back, my insides just lock up and I feel like I’m going to be sick.” Big fat tears filled her eyes. She looked at me, holding the nativity scene I had just given her. “Can’t I stay with you?”
“Savannah, that’s not …” Doc Aimee began, but I raised my hand to stop her.
I stared at Savannah’s sad face, felt her pain, knew her story, and I wanted to help. Wanted to give her safe place to live, grow and figure out her life, and guide her to Jesus. But I heard the NO clearly. As soon as she asked the question, and I wanted to say yes, I heard no … not now.
“It’s just not a good idea. I have to get back in the world and get stable myself. But you can call me anytime. I mean any time, night or day, and I will listen. Okay?”
She nodded, but didn’t speak.
I hugged all of them when group was over, even Michael, and got Savannah’s parents phone numbers from her. I gave her my numbers too.
Then I dried my eyes and continued my day. Doc Aimee surprised me with a lunch invitation to her office to do our last one-on-one.
“Will I ever see you again?” I asked as I signed all the paperwork for me to leave. I had a packet of paperwork about my new group meetings, AA meetings, and a new counselor. I hated the idea of not seeing Aimee again.
“Not probable, but God does what He wants, so definitely possible. You still have the bike helmet right?”
“Yes. I do.”
�
�I ride every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. I do long rides on Saturdays. We might see each other.”
I hadn’t ridden since Sean & Hannah’s accident. I had only ridden with God on the tandem bike. Yet, I knew now that the Blessed Spirit was with me and she could navigate for me. “We just might.”
I stood and held out my hands for hers. “Thank you so very much for using your gifts to help people. Thank you for helping me.”
“I am proud of you. Take care of yourself, just as you’ve learned, and you will be great.”
Dream 30
“It makes no sense to go the opposite way.”
I stood on the path. Alone. Angel lay on the dais ahead of me, watching and waiting. God and Isabeau sat with him. I felt their love pour over me. Whether I succeeded or failed, they loved me. And they had taught me so much.
Still I felt the Spirit inside me nudging me to go the other way. So with one long look at them, I turned and strode the other way. If it was wrong, at least I would have been wrong honestly. Yet the further I walked the lighter my step. I followed the curve of the hedge into almost a circle. Up ahead I heard people.
People crying and weeping. I hurried forward and rounding the bend I came upon a group of women kneeling at the foot of the cross. On that cross was my Jesus. Our Jesus. This was wrong. This was very wrong. “No! No! No, please stop!” I ran forward and tried to reach him, but two guards held me back.
A woman wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me in close to her side, and then we knelt. “It will be okay,” she whispered.
“How?” I asked. “How can this be okay?”
“He will send us a Helper, one like Him.”
“The Holy Spirit?”
“Yes. Do you know this Spirit?”
I wiped my eyes on the sleeve of my shirt and stared up at my Jesus on that cross. For me. For all. I had run from Him that first night. Unable to face His gift to me because of my shame and my pride and my unforgiveness. Yet as I looked at Him now, a peace descended upon me. A peace like I had never known before. I accepted his gift. I accepted his sacrifice. I accepted his love. I accepted the role I had played in putting Him there. I accepted my Savior.
“Yes,” I whispered, my gaze locked on Jesus.
For years I had walked the Christian life and never known that a part of me had stood apart. Now I was fully His. “I was lost, but now I’m found. Amazing Grace.”
I bowed with the women there and thanked my Savior for calling me to Him. Thanked Him for my life. Thanked Him for blessing me so greatly with the last thirty nights. I didn’t want to forget this love that bloomed so deep in my heart. This love that was rooted and grounded in His love and sacrifice for me.
I don’t know how long we knelt there. I raised my head and they were gone, and Jesus was gone, and the path lay ahead of me. I got up and began walking, faster and faster until I was running.
And I am not a runner.
I rounded the next curve and there they were. All three standing with Angel beside them. I ran until I reached the steps up to the dais, and stopped, huffing and puffing. “We did it!”
All three began clapping for me. For me. Such joy welled up in me.
“We are so proud of you, Elizabeth. Accept your prize.”
I’d like to say a host of angels began to sing praises or we all burst into Amazing Grace, but what really happened is a group hug. The best group hug ever. The joy in me was overwhelming. Rich, deep, full and powerful. I laughed with the joy of their love for me.
“I love you all so much!”
Isabeau cupped my cheek. God stroked my hair. Jesus grinned widely. “We love you so much!”
Then they disappeared, leaving me and Angel to find our way out.
Happily I had learned a thing or two about listening to the Spirit and we got out in record time. And there they were, on the patio, having a tea party. It was a joyous occasion. God let me stay until I started falling asleep. I hugged each of them long and hard. So so happy. So so sad. Yet I knew I had to go back to the world and spread His light and love.
As I lay in bed, more asleep than awake, scribbling these last moments with God down, I thought of the love they had shone me over and over again. It would be with me always. The lessons I had learned were rooted deep, but would need daily practice to keep them strong. The light in me was living, breathing, growing, and fed with my love for them and my love for others. I would share that light wherever the Blessed Spirit led. Now and always, I prayed, as I drifted to sleep. Now and always let me shine for Jesus.
Day Thirty-One
December 6
“Angel?” Angel sat by my mom’s feet outside Safe Haven’s front doors. My dad took my suitcase and backpack and loaded it in the back of their car, while I knelt down and hugged Angel.
“How?” I asked. “I thought they found his family.”
My mom handed me an envelope. “This family drove up right behind us. They asked if we were picking you up and gave us the dog and the envelope. They said you would understand. Do you know this dog?”
“Yes, he was out in that bad storm a couple weeks ago and somehow ended up here and in my room.” I opened the envelope and pulled out the small note. “Angel doesn’t belong to us anymore. An old friend of ours, Isabeau, said he wanted to be with you. She’s never steered us wrong. Be blessed.”
“How strange.” I handed the note to mom and hugged Angel again. He licked my face and then nuzzled in close.
“I didn’t think you liked dogs.”
I pulled back and looked in Angel’s face. There was something familiar, something knowing in his look. I felt as if we needed each other somehow. “I like this one. Can I keep him?”
Angel barked and looked up at mom.
Mom shook her head, but smiled. “Sure, I have been praying for your guardian angel to watch over you. This must be him.”
A flash of sandy blond curls and shy smile ran through my mind but was gone before I could latch on it. “Come on Angel boy, let’s go home.”
Epilogue
I don’t remember any of the dreams from my thirty nights in Safe Haven, but fortunately I wrote them all down in my journal.
Some nights when I read them before I go to sleep, I’m almost there again. Amazingly, I never doubted the truth of what I had written. One day I know I will be with God, Jesus, and Isabeau again. One day I will embrace Sean and Hannah and we will be together always. Until that day, I continue to do as I promised. I share Jesus’s love for me, and share his light with others.
It’s been a couple years since I left Safe Haven. I’m still in the home I had with Sean and Hannah, but it is much different. Savannah lives with me now, while going to college to become a teacher. She teaches the kindergarten Sunday school class at our church, having taken to Jesus like a duck to water. Michael got a prosthetic hand and started his own small carpentry company. He has two apprentices now. They built me a tree house just this past summer. Doc Aimee and I bicycle together most Saturdays. Annie remains at Safe Haven, but works for them helping new people get settled. I think she has found some peace at last.
Angel is still with me, though occasionally he disappears for a day or two. I trust that Isabeau has him safely in hand.
As for Joshua, my guardian angel, he sometimes slips up and I catch a glimpse of him. It’s our own game of hide-n-seek. Because you see, I see angels everywhere now. It’s wonderful and crazy. Don’t try to figure it out. But when God says His angels watch over you and are with you, He means it.
I still have hard days sometimes, but I continue to heal because of what I learned those thirty days and nights.
We all need help. We all need God. Don’t do life alone.
I chose God.
I chose Jesus.
I chose the Blessed Spirit.
You can too.
The End
Heartfelt Thanks
Where do I start this amazing list of gratitude for those who have given me love, encouragement, and lots of time?
I love you all so very very much!
Mom & Dad, thanks for your love and support throughout my life. And thanks for paying for that first writer’s conference eons ago.
Alan, my darling husband, thanks for being so good at taking care of me. You encourage me daily and love me deeply. You are a gift to me from Father God.
Erin Elizabeth, my daughter, thanks for being the blessing you are in so many ways. Being your mama has been a joy and an adventure. You inspire me with your love of teaching and passion for life.
Tammy, thanks for being my best friend and writing partner for 26 years. We’ve read a lot of books, and talked a lot of Jesus, over many a breakfast or dinner. Thank you for your faithfulness.
Debra, thank you for being the editor extraordinaire you are. You saw the heart of the story and edited around it. I couldn’t have done this book without your love of words and love for me.
Diane, thank you very much indeed.
Last, to my Sweet Jesus, thank you for never giving up on me no matter my excuses, my mistakes, or my lack of faith. I learned so much about You, and about us, and about me while writing this book. Thank you for being more than enough!
About the Book
Elizabeth doesn’t think she needs to be in a 30 day rehab facility. Just because she has a drink or two, has five dead house plants, and showed up to work on Sunday instead of Monday, doesn’t mean she has a problem. But after taking twenty-seven sleeping pills and calling 911, the decision isn’t hers anymore.
In daily group therapy in Safe Haven, Elizabeth learns to deal with the tragic loss that has shattered her world. Helped and encouraged by a variety of troubled souls like herself, Elizabeth sees how their shared lives lightens their pain.
In her dreams at night, Elizabeth encounters God, Jesus, and the Blessed Spirit. Just not as she has ever imagined them to be. Each of the Trinity seeks to help Elizabeth on her road to recovery. Each helps her face reality, battle her anger, learn to forgive and trust again during their nightly adventures at the beach, or riding the tandem bike, or while building a tree house.
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