by Clive Barker
The answer, it seemed, was no; at least for a soul as unredeemed as his. He could never hope to forget, not until God struck life and memory from him, which prospect seemed at this moment far less dreadful than living on, day and night, in fear of another Will coming to his door and naming names.
Nor this …
Shut up, he murmured to memories. But the pages kept flipping in his head. Picture after picture, like some morbid bestiary. What fish was that, that would never again silver the sea? What bird, that would never tune its song to the sky?
On and on the pages flew, while he watched, knowing that at last Steep’s fingers would come to a page where he himself had made a mark. Not with a brush or a pen, but with a bright little knife.
And then the tears would begin to come in torrents, and it wouldn’t matter how hard the northeasterly blew, it could not carry the past away.
From Sacrament
On Easter Sunday, he did something he’d been putting off since the mellowing of the weather. He retraced the journey he’d taken with Jacob, from the Courthouse to the copse where he’d killed the birds. The Courthouse itself had the previous year inspired much morbid interest among sightseers, and had as a consequence been fenced off, the wire hung with signs warning trespassers that they would be liable to prosecution. Will was tempted to scramble under the fence and take a look at the place, but the day was too fine to waste indoors, so he began to climb. There was a warm gusty wind blowing, herding white clouds, all innocent of rain, down the valley. On the slopes, the sheep were stupid with spring, and watched him unalarmed, only darting off if he yelled at them. The climb itself was hard (he missed Jacob’s hand at his neck) but every time he paused to look around, the vista widened, the fells rolling away in every direction.
He had remembered the wood with uncanny accuracy, as though — despite his sickness and fatigue—that night his sight had been preternaturally sharp. The trees were budding now, of course, every twig an arrow aiming high. And underfoot, blades of brilliant green where there’d been a frosted carpet.
He went straight to the place where he’d killed the birds. There was no trace of them. Not so much as a bone. But simply standing on the same spot, such a wave of yearning and sorrow passed through him that it made him gasp for breath. He’d been so proud of what he’d done here. (Wasn’t that quick? Wasn’t that beautiful?) But now he felt a bit more ambiguous about it. Burning moths to keep the darkness at bay was one thing, but killing birds just because it felt good to do so? That didn’t feel so brave; not today, when the trees were budding and the sky was wide. Today it felt like a dirty memory, and he swore to himself there and then that he’d told the story for the last time. Once Faraday and Parsons had filed away their notes and forgotten them, it would be as though it had never happened.
He went down on his haunches, to check one final time for evidence of the victims, but even as he did so he knew he’d invited trouble. He felt a tiny tremor in the air as a breath was drawn, and looked up to see that the wood itself had not changed in any detail but one. There was a fox a short distance from him, watching him intently. He stood on all fours like any other fox, but there was something about the way he stared that made Will suspicious. He’d seen this defiant gaze before, from the dubious safety of his bed.
“Go away!” he shouted. The fox just looked at him, unblinking and unmoved. “D’you hear me?” Will yelled at the top of his voice. “Shoo!” But what had worked like a charm on sheep didn’t work on foxes. Or at least not this fox.
“Look,” Will said. “Coming to bother me in dreams is one thing, but you don’t belong here. This is the real world.”
The fox shook its head, preserving the illusion of its artlessness. To any gaze but Will’s, it seemed to be dislodging a flea from its ear. But Will knew better: it was contradicting him.
“Are you telling me I’m dreaming this as well?” he said.
The animal didn’t bother to nod. It simply perused Will, amiably enough, while he worked the problem out for himself. And now, as he puzzled over this curious turn of events, he vaguely recalled something Lord Fox had mentioned in his rambling. What had he said? There’d been some talk of Russian dolls, but that wasn’t it. An anecdote about a debate with a dog; no, that wasn’t it either. There’d been something else his visitor had mentioned. Some message that had to be passed along. But what? What?
The fox was plainly close to giving up on him. It was no longer staring in his direction, but sniffing the air in search of its next meal.
“Wait a moment,” Will said. A minute ago, he’d been wanting to drive it away. Now he was afraid it would do as he’d wished, and go about its business before he’d solved the puzzle of its presence.
“Don’t leave yet,” he said to it. “I’ll remember. Just give me a chance—”
Too late. He’d lost the animal’s attention. Off it trotted, its brush flicking back and forth.
“Oh, come on—” Will said, rising to follow it. “I’m trying my best.”
The trees were close together, and in his pursuit of the fox their bark gouged him and their branches raked his face. He didn’t care. The faster he ran, the harder his heart pumped and the harder his heart pumped the clearer his memory became —
“I’ll get it!” he yelled after the fox. “Wait for me, will you?”
The message was there, on the tip of his tongue, but the fox was outpacing him, weaving between the trees with astonishing agility. And all at once, twin revelations. One, that this was not Lord Fox he was following, just a passing animal that was fleeing for its flea-bitten life. And two, that the message was to wake, wake from dreams of foxes, Lords or no, into the world—
He was running so fast now, the trees were a blur around him. And up ahead, where they thinned out, was not the hill but a growing brightness; not the past, but something more painful. He didn’t want to go there, but it was too late to slow his flight, much less halt it. The trees were a blur because they were no longer trees, they’d become the wall of a tunnel, down which he was hurtling, out of memory, out of childhood.
Somebody was speaking at the far end of the tunnel. He couldn’t catch hold of precisely what was being said, but there were words of encouragement, he thought, as though he were a runner on a marathon, being coaxed to the finishing line.
Before he reached it, however—before he was back in that place of wakefulness—he was determined to take one last look at the past. Ungluing his eyes from the brightness ahead, he glanced back over his shoulder, and for a few precious seconds glimpsed the world he was leaving. There was the wood, sparkling in the spring light—every bud a promise of green to come. And the fox! Lord, there it was, darting away about the business of the morning. He pressed his sight to look harder, knowing he had only moments left, and it went where he willed, back the way he’d come, to look down the hillside to the village. One last heroic glance, fixing the sight in all its myriad details. The river, sparkling; the Courthouse, moldering; the roofs of the village, rising in slated tiers; the bridge, the post office, the telephone box from which he’d called Frannie that night long ago, telling her he was running away.
So he was. Running back into his life, where he would never see this sight again, so finely, so perfectly—
They were calling him again, from the present. “Welcome back, Will …” somebody was saying to him softly.
Wait, he wanted to tell them. Don’t welcome me yet. Give me just another second to dream this dream. The bells are ringing for the end of the Sunday service. I want to see the people. I want to see their faces, as they come out into the sun. I want to see—
The voice again, a little more insistent. “Will. Open your eyes.”
There was no time left. He’d reached the finishing line. The past was consumed by brightness. River, bridge, church, houses, hill, trees, and fox, gone, all gone, and the eyes that had witnessed them, weaker for the passage of years, but no less hungry, opened to see what he’d become.
; From Imajica
Gentle’s thoughts had not often turned to Taylor as he and Pie journeyed, but when, in the streets outside the palace, Nikaetomaas had asked him why he’d come to the Imajica, it had been Taylor’s death he’d spoken of first, and only then of Judith and the attempt upon her life. Now, as he and Nikaetomaas passed through the balmy, benighted courtyards and up into the palace itself, he thought of the man again, lying on his final pillow, talking about floating and charging Gentle to solve mysteries that he’d not had time to solve himself.
“I had a friend in the Fifth who would have loved this place,” Gentle said. “He loved desolation.”
It was here, in every courtyard. Gardens had been planted in many of them and left to riot. But riot took energy, and nature was weary here, the plants throttling themselves after a few spurts and withering back into earth the color of ash. The scene was not so different once they got inside, wandering mapless down galleries where the dust was as thick as the soil in the dead gardens, into forsaken annexes and chambers laid out for guests who had breathed their last decades before. Most of the walls, whether of chambers or galleries, were decorated: some with tapestries, many others with immense frescoes, and while there were scenes Gentle recognized from his travels—Patashoqua under a green-gold sky, with a flight of air balloons rising from the plain outside its walls; a festival at the L’Himby temples—the suspicion grew on him that the finest of these images were of earth; or, more particularly, of England. Doubtless the pastoral was a universal mode, and shepherds wooed nymphs in the Reconciled Dominions just as sonnets described them doing in the Fifth, but there were details of these scenes that were indisputably English: swallows swooping in mild summer skies; cattle drinking in water meadows while their herders slept; the Salisbury spire rising from a bank of oaks; the distant towers and domes of London, glimpsed from a slope on which maids and swains made dalliance: even Stonehenge, relocated for drama’s sake to a hill and set against thunderheads.
“England,” Gentle said as they went. “Somebody here remembers England.”
He waited until the first stars appeared in a sky of elegiac blue before he raised the blinds. The street outside was quiet, but given that he lacked the cash for a cab he knew he’d have to brush shoulders with a lot of people before he reached Clerkenwell. On a fine evening like this, the Edgware Road would be busy, and there’d be crowds on the Underground. His best hope of reaching his destination unscrutinized was to dress as blandly as possible, and he took some time hunting through his depleted wardrobe for those clothes that would render him most invisible. Once dressed, he walked down to Marble Arch and boarded the Underground. It was only five stations to Chancery Lane, which would put him on the borders of Clerkenwell, but after two he had to get off, gasping and sweating like a claustrophobic. Cursing this new weakness in himself, he sat in the station for half an hour while more trains passed through, unable to bring himself to board. What an irony! Here he was, a sometime wanderer in the wilds of the Imajica, incapable of traveling a couple of miles by tube without panicking. He waited until his shaking subsided and a less crowded train came along. Then he reboarded, sitting close to the door with his head in his hands until the journey was over.
By the time he emerged at Chancery Lane the sky had darkened, and he stood for several minutes on High Holborn, his head thrown back, soaking up the sky. Only when the tremors had left his legs did he head up Gray’s Inn Road toward the environs of Gamut Street. Almost all the property on the main thoroughfares had long since been turned to commercial use, but there was a network of streets and squares behind the barricade of darkened office buildings which, protected perhaps by the patronage of notoriety, had been left untouched by the developers. Many of these streets were narrow and mazy, their lamps unlit, their signs missing, as though blind eyes had been turned to them over the generations. But he didn’t need signs and lamps; his feet had trodden these ways countless times. Here was Shiverick Square, with its little park all overgrown, and Flaxen Street, and Almoth, and Sterne. And in their midst, cocooned by anonymity, his destination.
He saw the corner of Gamut Street twenty yards ahead and slowed his pace to take pleasure in the moment of reunion. There were innumerable memories awaiting him there, the mystif among them. But not all would be so sweet, or so welcome. He would have to ingest them carefully, like a diner with a delicate stomach coming to a lavish table. Moderation was the way. As soon as he felt a surfeit, he’d retreat and return to the studio to digest what he’d learned, let it strengthen him. Only then would he return for a second helping. The process would take time, he knew, and time was of the essence. But so was his sanity. What use would he be as a Reconciler if he choked on the past?
With his heart thumping hard, he came to the corner and, turning it, finally laid his eyes upon the sacred street. Perhaps, during his years of forgetfulness, he’d wandered through these backwaters all unknowing and seen the sight before him now. But he doubted it. More likely, his eyes were seeing Gamut Street for the first time in two centuries. It had changed scarcely at all, preserved from the city planners and their hammer-wielding hordes by the feits whose makers were still rumored here. The trees planted along the pavement were weighed down with unkempt foliage, but their sap’s tang was sharp, the air protected from the fumes of Holborn and Gray’s Inn Road by the warren of thoroughfares between. Was it just his fancy, or was the tree outside number 28 particularly lush, fed perhaps by a seepage of magics from the step of the Maestro’s house?
He began toward them, tree and step, the memories already returning in force. He heard the children singing behind him, the song that had so tormented him when the Autarch had told him who he was. Sartori, he’d said, and this charmless ditty, sung by piping voices, had come in pursuit of the name. He’d loathed it then. Its melody was banal; its words were nonsense. But now he remembered how he’d first heard it, walking along this very pavement with the children in procession on the opposite shore, and how flattered he’d been that he was famous enough to have reached the lips of children who would never read or write or, most probably, reach the age of puberty. All of London knew who he was, and he liked his fame. He was talked about at court, Roxborough said, and should soon expect an invitation. People who’d not so much as touched his sleeve were claiming intimate association.
But there were still those, thank God, who kept an exquisite distance, and one such soul had lived, he remembered, in the house opposite: a nymph called Allegra who liked to sit at her dressing table near the window with her bodice half unlaced, knowing she had an admirer in the Maestro across the street. She’d had a little curly haired dog, and sometimes in the evening he’d hear her piping voice summon the lucky hound onto her lap, where she’d let it snuggle. One afternoon, a few paces from where he stood now, he’d met the girl out walking with her mother and had made much of the dog, suffering its little tongue on his mouth for the smell of her sex in its fur. What had become of that child? Had she died a virgin or grown old and fat, wondering about the man who’d been her most ardent admirer?
He glanced up at the window where Allegra had sat. No light burned in it now. The house, like almost all these buildings, was dark. Sighing, he turned his gaze toward number 28 and, crossing the street, went to the door. It was locked, of course, but one of the lower windows had been broken at some point and never repaired. He reached through the smashed pane and unlocked it, then slid the window up and himself inside. Slowly, he reminded himself: go slowly. Keep the flow under control.
It was dark, but he’d come prepared for that eventuality, with candle and matches. The flame guttered at first, and the room rocked at its indecision, but by degrees it strengthened, and he felt a sensation he’d not expected swelling like the light: pride. In its time, this, his house, had been a place of great souls and great ambition, where all commonplace debate had been banned. If you wanted to talk politics or tittle-tattle you went to the coffeehouse; if you wanted commerce, to the Exchange. Here, only
miracles. Here, only the rising of the spirit. And, yes, love, if it was pertinent (which it was, so often); and sometimes bloodletting. But never the prosaic, never the trivial. Here the man who brought the strangest tale was the most welcome. Here every excess was celebrated if it brought visions, and every vision analyzed for the hints it held to the nature of the Everlasting.
He lifted the candle and, holding it high, began to walk through the house. The rooms—there were many—were badly dilapidated, the boards creaking under his feet, weakened by rot and worms, the walls mapping continents of damp. But the present didn’t insist upon him for long. By the time he reached the bottom of the stairs, memory was lighting candles everywhere, their luminescence spilling through the dining-room door and from the rooms above. It was a generous light, clothing naked walls, putting lush carpets underfoot, and setting fine furniture on their pile. Though the debaters here might have aspired to pure spirit, they were not averse to comforting the flesh while still cursed with it. Who would have guessed, seeing the modest façade of the house from the street, that the interior would be so finely furnished and ornamented? And seeing these glories appear, he heard the voices of those who’d wallowed in that luxury. Laughter first; then vociferous argument from somebody at the top of the stairs. He couldn’t see the debaters yet—perhaps his mind, which he’d instructed in caution, was holding the flood back—but he could put names to both of them, sight unseen. One was Horace Tyrwhitt, the other Isaac Abelove. And the laughter? That was Joshua Godolphin, of course. He had a laugh like the Devil’s laugh, full and throaty.
“Come on, then,” Gentle said aloud to the memories. “I’m ready to see your faces.”
And as he spoke, they came: Tyrwhitt on the stairs, overdressed and overpowdered, as ever, keeping his distance from Abelove in case the magpie his pursuer was nursing flew free.