Addy swatted at it with her hand, shaking her head, and then she sat up suddenly, looking around. “Matthew, my girls, where are my girls?”
I quickly pulled her into my arms, trying to calm her. “I’m here, Addy.”
“Where are they? Tell me it was a bad dream. Tell me they’re here. Gabby! Genny!” she screamed.
“They’re gone,” I whispered, not really wanting to tell her.
“No, No, No! Genny! Gabby!” she shouted, fighting out of my arms. “They can’t be gone!”
I grabbed her, pulling her back. I didn’t want her scaring Adam. “They’re back with Mira, their mother.”
“I’m their mother!” she hissed at me furiously. She hit my arm and shoved me away, moving out into the hall. “I have to get them back,” she cried.
I grabbed her, stopping her and pulled her back against my chest, holding her tight. “We can’t, baby, we can’t. They’re not ours.”
“No, please, god, no!” she begged. “You have to let me go get them.”
I looked over at Dr. Stewart, who was coming over with a needle. I nodded at her to do it, and after another moment of struggling, my girl went limp in my arms. I sat on the edge of the bed defeated. I grabbed my girl’s hand, squeezing it softly, trying to comfort myself. I was so grateful she was home, but my chest ached, seeing her in so much pain.
I woke the next morning to my girl clinging to me, sobbing on my chest. I held her in my arms, hoping that maybe she had finally accepted she couldn’t go after the girls. We had to stay here and try and make it through this together. We had stayed in bed late. It was almost noon, when I heard a light knock on the door.
My mom opened it carefully, when I called to her to come in. She was holding a tray of food, and I hoped to get Addy to eat some of it.
“Daniel told me her stomach has been upset, so I made some toast and rice. There’s some apple slices as well. Are you two going to be alright up here?”
“Yeah, Mom, thank you for the breakfast. Could you please take care of Adam? I’m sure this whole mess has him nervous.”
Addy looked at me confused. I could see the question in her eyes.
“Adam is a three-year-old little boy, who has no family to claim him. He needed a place to stay.” She cringed away from me.
“We couldn’t turn him out, honey,” my mother defended.
Addy hid her face in my side, and I rubbed her back, understanding the feelings she had, the fear of getting close to this child and having him taken as well. I kissed the top of her head. “It’s okay, baby, mom’s taking care of him,” I said, squeezing her, letting her know I wasn’t asking for anything from her right now. Neither of us were ready to take on this little boy. But he needed a place, so he would have one here.
Chapter 33 - Struggle and Gain
Addy seemed to settle down. She wasn’t fighting to go get the girls anymore, but she wasn’t getting out of bed, either. It wasn’t a big deal, because my mother was used to taking care of my father, and she just added her to the list of people who needed to be cared for.
Of course, that all changed the night my mother came in and told me my father was having trouble breathing. She had to take him in to the hospital. I would need to look after Adam myself. She apologized, knowing I wasn’t ready to take care of the boy. I knew she had planned on caring for him herself, that was why I had agreed to take him in the first place, but now caring for the boy would fall on my shoulders.
I lay awake for a long time, just watching my wife. She had been eating a little more, but she slept most of the time. I wished I could find a way to help her. I wished there was a way to just see the girls and know they were fine, but I knew if she saw them, she would want to bring them home. We had known it was a possibility that they would get taken back, but our hearts hadn’t wanted to believe it, and now we were paying for it.
I heard Adam moving around in the room across the hall. I kissed Addy and slid out of bed, ready to face a little boy who I knew would not understand what I was going through. I stepped out into the hall, just as he opened his door. He started to close his door, to hide from me, but I called his name.
He peeked out the door at me, making me feel guilty for not being more involved with him. “Come with me. I’ll get you some breakfast. Ms. Dottie had to take her husband to the hospital.”
He nodded at me worried. “Is Mr. Matt gonna be ‘kay?” he asked.
It was the first time I had heard him speak. His little voice was timid and sweet, full of sincerity. I walked over and picked him up, kissing the top of his head. “I hope so, buddy.”
We ate in relative silence, and I still hadn’t heard from my mother. I looked up at the ceiling, knowing my wife was just above us. I was worried about leaving her, but I had to get back to work soon, if we were going to be able to pay the utility bills this month. I looked across the table at Adam, who was shifting nervously and not getting up, even though he was done eating. It was like he was waiting for something.
“Adam, why don’t you go get ready. Go potty and brush your teeth, get dressed and meet me back down here,” I ordered.
He nodded, jumping up and running off to do just as I had asked. I quickly got dressed myself and left the door to my office open, so he would know where to find me. I heard him come down the steps, and he poked his little head in my office door. I offered him a smile and waved him in.
“It looks like you’re going to have to come to work with me today. Do you think you can be my helper?” I asked.
He nodded yes vigorously, making me smile.
I grabbed the car seat that was by the front door and put it in my truck. Our first few calls were all elderly ladies. I was sure they would fawn over how cute Adam was. I was right, too. I was surprised at how into helping Adam was. If he wasn’t handing me tools, he was picking things up off the floor or helping the old ladies wind yarn.
By lunchtime, we were at Mrs. Baker’s house, and of course, she had lunch and cookies for me and Adam. Her friends had called ahead and let her know I had a helper today. Adam had a dinosaur-shaped sandwich and dinosaur grape eggs in an apple nest. His whole face lit up, when he saw the plate she had made him, and he ate it down excitedly.
The rest of the week went in a similar fashion. My mom was spending all her time at the hospital, and I was taking care of Adam. When I had to make a run to the hardware store, I saw him looking at the kid’s toolsets with interest. When he noticed me watching him, he quickly looked away and hurried to my side, keeping his eyes on the ground. When we were checking out, I told Sam to throw one of the kids’ toolsets on my order as well. Adam perked up, and I smiled at him. “Well, go get your tools, boy. You can’t help me if you don’t have them now, can you?” I said, and he ran full blast at them, nearly tripping into the display. He hugged the little red and blue box to his body, as he hurried back to my side.
“I’m ready!” he said, smiling hugely. The walls around my heart cracked even more. He had spent the week knocking them down, making me care for him, even though I was scared to. It was getting to be impossible not to love Adam.
It had been two weeks since my dad had gone into the hospital, and they hadn’t let him come home. He was fighting a chest cold, or in other words, he had pneumonia. The doctors weren’t optimistic about him making it through it. I knew we had been preparing for this, but I didn’t feel ready to lose my dad.
Addy had gotten up a few times and was moving around the room now. She had been getting her own lunch while I was at work, which was a good sign. I worried about her, though. I knew she had gone through a lot growing up with her mom, but she had always been functional before now. Maybe we could see if she could talk to someone. I would have to barter with them for it, because that would be the only way I would be able to afford it.
Daniel came over earlier in the week to meet Adam and check on Addy. He said she had been really quiet-like and stayed mostly to herself, back when she had first moved in with him, too. He thought sh
e would get better with time. I hoped he was right.
He gave Adam a baseball and a glove. They played catch for a while in the backyard. It turned out Adam loved to play catch. We made it an after dinner tradition to play for a while before bath time. Today, I saw Addy watching us from the bedroom window. When I waved to her, she smiled. It wasn’t a huge smile, but it was progress.
I called Dr. Stewart and asked her if she knew of any shrinks Addy could talk to, who would be willing to barter. She turned me on to an older lady in Livingston, Dr. Turley. When I called her, she told me Dr. Stewart had already called her and talked to her about us, and she would be happy to barter. She had a lot of work that needed to be done on her old house and thought it would be beneficial to us both. I set an appointment for Addy and had Daniel watch Adam, so I could take her in.
Dr. Turley was a kind, portly older woman, who hugged Addy as soon as she saw her. Addy instantly burst into tears. I was not sure if it was a good sign, but I left them alone and let Addy talk to her in private. Addy came out sniffling, but with a soft smile. She gave Dr. Turley a hug before she left and told her thank you. I set up an appointment with her to work on her porch, clean her gutters and fix several plumbing and electrical problems. Addy would be seeing Dr. Turley twice a week. I crossed my fingers, hoping it’d worked for her.
On the ride home, Addy asked about Adam. “Tell me about him, please.”
I looked at her nervously, but she gave me a shaky smile, so I answered her. “Ms. Jordan says he’s up for adoption. We can adopt him if we want. No one will be taking him, so you know he’s ours permanently. He’s kind of quiet, but he’s really helpful. I noticed he doesn’t ask for anything, and you always have to dismiss him from the table, or he’ll just sit there, even if he has to go to the bathroom. He’ll just squirm, too shy to ask.”
She looked at me worried. “What happened, why was he taken?”
I rubbed my face. “Truth is, I didn’t bother to read his file. I know that’s completely irresponsible, but my mom read it, and she didn’t seem to think there was anything important to tell me about in it. I do know he had it rough in his last foster home, though. An older boy hurt him. That was why he was moved and brought to us on such short notice. We were the only foster parents with a room available.”
She looked away from me, watching the trees blur past for a while. I realized I shouldn’t have mentioned the room we had. I was sure it just reminded her of the void. She was quiet again after that and didn’t look back at me until we got home.
Daniel was on my front porch and looked worried when we pulled up.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“It’s your dad, Son, I’m sorry. I’ll stay here with Adam and Addy, but you need to get to the hospital and say your last goodbyes. Your mother needs you.”
Addy’s face snapped to mine. She looked shocked. Next thing I knew, she was hugging me tightly. I was fighting tears. I had known this was coming. I guess I just didn’t want to believe there would ever be an end to my father. I didn’t think anyone ever wanted to believe their father was not Superman who lived forever. Unfortunately, reality was serving me up a cold dish of depression.
“Are you going to be okay to drive?” Daniel asked.
I nodded and wiped my eyes, hopping back into the truck and headed for the hospital. I parked next to my mother’s van and went inside. I knew where my father’s room was, because he had been there so long. I walked in to see my mother with her head down on his chest, sobbing as my father lay still, pale and unconscious.
“Mom?” I called.
She lifted her head, and my dad’s eyes fluttered, but wouldn’t open.
“I think he can still hear us. I think he’s hanging on, so we can say goodbye,” she sobbed.
I went to the other side of the bed and took his hand carefully in mine, minding all the wires. “Hey, Dad, I know we were expecting this, but would you believe I feel blindsided by it all? I just don’t want to believe that you’re leaving me.” I pulled his hand tighter to my chest. “I love you, Dad. I hope you know that. I know I didn’t say it a lot, but we’re guys, you know? We aren’t supposed to say it to each other, unless we’re drunk, and neither of us ever drank much.” I chuckled at my bad joke.
“Just know that I love you, and I know you love me,” I sniffled a little. “On a brighter note, I got Addy in to see a shrink. I’m doing some work for the doctor. She had her first session today. I think it went well. She seemed a little better, so I hope it works out for us. Adam is my new little sidekick. I got him his own toolset, and he’s actually pretty handy. Daniel got him a baseball and glove and is talking about signing him up for T-ball in the spring.” My heart sank a little. “I hate that you’re going to miss that.”
My mother was watching the heart monitor the whole time I talked to him. I saw the readout on it. It was saying thirty, whatever that meant, but the beeping was really slow and seemed to be getting slower, as the number dropped even more. My mother squeezed his hand and kissed his lips softly. “I love you, sweetheart, wait for me,” she said, and the beeps got even further spaced apart.
“Watch over the girl’s, Dad,” I whispered in his ear and squeezed his hand. We didn’t sit for much longer, before the machine finally flat-lined. My mother cried hard, and I pulled her into my arms, trying to keep it together for her. The nurse and the doctor came in, turning off the machine and called time of death for my father.
I was surprised when Leon came into the room, giving me a sad, understanding look. “I’ll drive you home.”
I didn’t protest, because right now, I was a mess, trying to hold it together for my mother. She was a mess as well, and Leon took her to her room and stayed with her. I was glad, because I didn’t think I had the strength to be there for her right then.
Daniel had already put Adam to bed for me, so I went to my room to find my wife looking up at me sadly from the bed. She opened her arms to me, and I dove into them, crumbling like a little boy. I had lost my father, my mentor, my greatest example of how to be a husband and father. I missed him so much, my body ached. I was racked with sobs. Addy held me to her, letting me cry it all out, until I fell into a fitful sleep. I needed her now more than ever. I hoped we could pull through all of this, that together we would be strong enough to make it through the pain and hurt.
I had always heard that what didn’t kill us made us stronger. At this rate, I was going to be giving Superman a run for his money.
Chapter 34 - Dark in the Morning Light
I felt Addy move at my side getting up, but I didn’t bother to open my eyes. I knew my mother would need help planning my father’s funeral, but I really didn’t want to face it. I was surprised, when not much later, my girl came in with bacon, eggs and coffee.
“Sweetheart,” she called to me softly. I felt her hand gently rub across my cheek, then she kissed my head. “I have some food for you this morning. Daniel’s sitting with Adam downstairs. You were right. He really is a sweet little boy.” I felt her fingers run through my hair. “Leon’s helping your mother with the arrangements.”
At that, my eyes opened. I didn’t want to make the funeral arrangements, but I sure as heck didn’t want someone else doing them in my place. I sat up faster than I should have and knocked Addy back off the bed. I grabbed her arm before she hit the ground. She looked surprised and nervous.
“Are you upset with Leon?” she asked, catching on to my ire.
The truth was, I wasn’t upset with Leon, just with myself for not being strong enough for my mother to help her through this.
“Matthew?” she called to me again, tipping my chin up to look in her eyes. “Let’s just take it one day at a time, or maybe even just an hour at a time, okay? Now, do you feel like you can eat?” she asked, scooting back on the bed and pulling the tray over.
I wasn’t hungry, but my girl had made me breakfast. She was trying to help me, so I decided to try and eat. She had a plate of her own and ended up eati
ng all of her food and then a little of mine as well. I didn’t mind. I fed her my bacon, distracting myself from the fact that my father was not downstairs, nor would he ever be again.
Leon found the perfect balance between doing everything and letting my mom and I pick the stuff for the funeral. I was leaning on my girl, who was waiting on me hand and foot and doing everything in her power to reassure little Adam that I was not upset with him.
Once he figured out Mr. Matt had been my father, he came to me with a picture that just broke my heart. He had lost his dad, too, so he drew a picture of his dad and Mr. Matt in heaven. He had tried to draw Jesus, but it turned out Jesus looked a lot like Daniel with a big beard. It was kind of funny. I hugged the little boy to my side, understanding his quiet nature a little better.
The florist had a Matthew senior special. The diner had a sale on apple pie. Leon did all the talking and footwork for the arrangements. What I didn’t know was that my mother had done the same for him, when he had lost Evette. She and Jason had taken care of him and his daughter. The whole town once again showed up, toting flowers and casseroles. Luckily, Addy was well practiced at freezing leftovers. I had to say, having that extra food was a lifesaver at the end of the month. With all the time we had taken off, I barely had enough to cover the bills.
Mom was spending most of her time over at Leon’s, which made me wonder about their relationship. I knew they were closer than I realized, but I hoped they weren’t shacking up or something. I just didn’t think I could handle it.
It was nearly a month after my father had passed, and I still cringed when I walked past their room every day to get to my office. I called Kyle and gave him his list of calls and went over mine. Addy came into my room, setting my breakfast on my desk. “Matthew, I just wanted to say, I’m sorry.”
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