I slept a lot but it was restless. On and off. Every tiny sound snapped me awake with a shot of fear straight to my heart. The floor became uncomfortable after a day, so I sucked up my pride and moved into the bed. Finn did as I asked and stayed away, only knocking occasionally to ask if I wanted something to eat or drink. I accepted crackers a few times but I had no appetite. Going to the restroom might’ve been part of the problem. Even though my bladder felt full, it took forever for anything to trickle out. I was so bruised and swollen inside I couldn’t even help push it along any. And it didn’t help that it stung like a bitch coming out, so much it brought me to tears every time.
I had no idea what time it was when I woke again. The room was dark with the shades pulled, but soft light filtered past the edges. I heard the faint sounds coming from the living room television but nothing from Finn. It hurt to roll out of bed, the bruising all over my hips and inner thighs coming to life. I awkwardly walked to the window. Just as I suspected, the road disappeared into the thicket. I had no idea where I was, but it looked like I wouldn’t find any neighbors close by. Disappointed, I made my way to the bathroom and flipped on the light.
I couldn’t even identify with the woman staring back at me. I looked withered and malnourished, with oily, tangled hair. The pale skin of my arms were blotchy shades of red, purple, blue and black where fingers had painfully left their mark. I could still feel it too, could still hear their catcalls echoing inside my head. The worst part? They were completely sober when they did it. There’d never be an instance where what they did was okay, but to know there was no inebriation whatsoever…just made it all the more disgusting.
I wish I could just sleep it all away. Hell, I’d even settle for drinking it away if I had a bottle of vodka. Pass out until long after my body had healed. Wake up, discover it was all a dream. But deep down, I knew there was nothing that could wake me from this nightmare.
I needed to pee, but I didn’t have it in me to try again right now. Parts of me were torn and bruised. I hadn’t washed myself since the rape. God only knew how long ago that was. Not long enough to heal anything, that was for sure.
I locked the door behind me and slowly made my way to the shower. I still felt vulnerable, but my need to clean myself up outweighed the danger I was feeling. A soak would’ve felt better, but there was no tub. I stripped, feeling the ache in my muscles as I lifted the top over my head and pulled the sorry-excuse-for-a-skirt off. I let the shower run hot before stepping in. The heat of the water was like fireworks exploding off my skin, the cuts and scratches burning so hot I slammed my palms against the tiles and hissed, bearing the pain until it passed. Then I braced myself for even more pain as I tried to pee. I thought the hot water would help, and it would have if the shower head had been removable, allowing easier access to the area. I yipped and hissed several times as the urine stung a million little cuts. I finally let go and fisted my hands, silently screaming until the pain was over and my bladder was empty again.
That was when I began sobbing, with tears so thick the world became a blurry kaleidoscope effect. I crouched on the floor and wrapped myself up, letting the scalding water rush down my shoulders, fleeing forward and back. I felt so raw. I wanted to burn everything away. To cleanse and purify. To peel and renew.
But who was I kidding? It’d be a long time before any part of my body would heal, inside or out. I’d never be able to wash the horrors away.
I was in the shower for at least an hour. The hot water never ran out and the room filled thick with a suffocating fog. Besides the stiffness in the back of my knees from staying crouched for so long, the rest of my muscles felt more at ease. I cleansed myself as best I could, then wrapped myself up in a large, thick towel. Its threading was surprisingly soft and comforting.
The mirror was fogged over but that was alright. I didn’t want to see myself again anyways. If I took one more look at my body, I knew I would cry all over again. Once was enough. I looked dismally at the skimpy pair of clothing on the ground. I was not putting that back on. I made my way into the bedroom and quietly rummaged through Finn’s dresser, pulling out a guy’s t-shirt and boxers that were oversized for me.
Maybe it was the heat of the shower, maybe it was the lack of food I’d eaten these past several days, or maybe it was just the stress over everything that had happened, but I felt utterly exhausted all over again. I slipped between the sheets and had no problem falling asleep again.
“Did he go?” I asked of O’Neill. I’d already called twice since breaking up with Nick, most of which entailed me begging her to get him back into witness protection.
“Yes,” she answered. I swear I could feel my heart sigh in relief. “He understands that the best way to keep you level-headed is to keep you from worrying about him. His mom went with him, too. After everything that’s happened lately, she was willing to go this time. Good thing, too, because I don’t think Nick would’ve gone in otherwise.”
“Thank you,” I whispered. I had to admit the strain on my heart lessened hearing that. Sam was so stubborn before. God help me, I wanted everyone else to make it out of this alive. “Thank you, really.”
“Megan, are you sure you want to move forward with this? I know there are several people who would push you to continue, but I won’t. I wouldn’t blame you if you thought this was too dangerous. Hell it is too dangerous.”
“Sadly, with Friggs out there looking for me, this is probably the safest place I could feel right now. Zander has connections. And a surprising amount of eyes out there willing to help. So unless you’re going to tell me you have a really good lead on Thea that’s going to pay off, I’m not going anywhere.”
Detective O’Neill sighed on her end. “Be careful, Megan. I know it’s going to feel like you don’t have much left to lose, but trust me, you do. And if you let yourself feel that way you’ll become impulsive, vindictive. And that’ll take you down a road you don’t want to go. One you probably won’t come back from.”
I ended the call, taking her words to heart. I did feel a change inside me. I’d been feeling it for some time now. And once Thea was taken, it erupted inside me. I was angry now. Fed up. And I had to admit I was almost to the point where I would do anything to end this already. Anything.
But first thing’s first. I had so much I needed to say to Nick, but I just didn’t have the strength to call him. The way he could throw words around and that loving tone he could put behind them, might make me cave and take him back. As much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn’t let that happen.
I hated that fucking saying. The one about how if you truly loved someone, you had to be strong enough to let them go for their own good. It was right on point. My life had become a fucking clichéd meme. I wandered into the study and asked Zander for pen and paper. He passed them to me without question, not even looking with curiosity as I turned and headed back up to the loft.
Dear Nick,
Even after a week to think on it, I’m still unsure of what to say. But I do know this. I’m sorry I’m hurting you. I love you. So, so much. And it’s killing me to leave. I’ve been dragged into a world that keeps yanking me back. Me, not you. But I dragged you into it anyways. My parents are dead, Nick. Because I wasn’t strong enough to leave them alone. Now it’s something I can never take back. I won’t make that mistake with you. I’m not even sure if I can save Thea, but I can still do something about you. Am I making the right choice? I honestly don’t know. But not doing enough in the past has cost me almost everyone I love. Everyone but you. I’d truly kill myself if I lost you that way.
Please understand. You can hate me, be pissed at me, whatever you need. Just find yourself a life that’s better than what I could’ve ever offered you – which unfortunately is nothing but chaos and death.
I don’t know how many breaths I have left to take, but I can promise each one will be spent longing for you. I love you, always and forever.
I didn’t bother signing it. I just folded it and put
it aside.
“You can’t mail that from here.”
I didn’t turn around, but I did seek out his reflection in the window. I hadn’t even heard him come up. Had he been leaning over the railing watching me this whole time?
“Yeah, I figured. I’ll get it to him eventually.”
His footsteps softly grew closer. I didn’t even stop him from picking up my letter. He could read it for all I cared. I’d never had privacy around him anyways, even when I lived off with Nick and was naïve enough to believe it was just the two of us.
“I can mail it to a contact out of state if you’d like, and he can mail it from there.”
I lifelessly nodded my head with appreciation. As his footsteps retreated, I asked, “Did you know? About Nick and Thea? You always seem to know everything.” Seeing as how he had our house and cars bugged and all.
I figured by the silence that followed that he was debating on what to tell me. “I did know, but I didn’t think you did.”
My head rolled sideways on the chaise, my eyes focusing on the endless green trees sprinkled dusty white. “I didn’t. Until now. I always suspected, I just wasn’t sure if it was something that happened before or after I went missing. My memories are so jacked up.” Rolling my head back his way, I added, “I am surprised you didn’t use that tidbit to drive a wedge between us though.”
“I thought about it,” he said honestly. “Came to the conclusion you’d probably become more angry towards me than him.”
I made a face that reluctantly agreed before turning away again. “Probably.”
“Suspecting this to be true, and now knowing that it is, has it altered your decision in finding your sister?”
My face scrunched like what the fuck? “What? No. She’s still my sister. And now…she’s all I have left. Now more than ever I need to find her. Bring her home.” I sought out his eyes, but it was their turn to be focused on the winter wonderland outside. “Your brother was a shit to you. Didn’t keep you from continuing a relationship with him.”
His eyes rolled back to lock with mine. “There was still a lot of residual anger left over. We hardly had a healthy relationship. But yes, he was still my blood.”
He turned and left for real this time, holding my letter up in the air. “I’ll make sure this gets sent out.”
“It has to go through Detective O’Neill.”
“Alright.”
I sighed. Nick and Thea. I was so dead inside it didn’t even spark a reaction. Anger. Sorrow. Betrayal.
Nothing.
At least nothing but curiosity. I wasn’t sure how close they were before I was originally taken, but I could understand how close they could have become while I was missing. Nick already admitted they felt abandoned by the world, them and my parents being the only ones left truly searching for me, not giving up hope.
Oh, how I wish they had.
Maybe they’d be together today. And maybe their relationship would’ve made more sense than ours.
Maybe one day I’d have the chance to ask.
Finn rapped hard enough on the door to wake the dead. I may have looked the part right now, but this zombie version of myself was already up and moving about, trying to stretch out my aching muscles. “What?” I asked through the door.
“Something’s going on. A bunch of the men are getting into their cars and pulling out.”
I rushed to the window and peeked past the curtains. Sure enough, I saw one set of tail lights disappearing down the road. “Where are they going?” I called out.
“I don’t know. But this might be the perfect time to bolt. I’m gonna go see if it’s clear. Just stay in there. I’ll lock the door behind me.”
It took me too long to answer. I heard the door in the living shut and lock. “Finn?” I asked cautiously. After a moment of silence, I pressed my ear to the door and called out for him again. The living room was eerily quietly. I braved unlocking the door and peeking my head through. It appeared he really did leave, unless he was ducked behind a piece of furniture.
I cautiously moved through the living room, taking it all in. Sofa. Coffee table. Chair and half with ottoman. The only light came from recessed lighting and the fan. There was nothing on his table but a remote, a soda can and an open bag of chips. A six foot bar separated the living from the kitchen, two barstools in front of it. I opened the few cabinets the kitchen offered. A few pots and pans and dishes. Two were half filled with snacks and soups and such. The sharpest thing his drawers had to offer was a butter knife. Even his forks seemed dull. The fridge mostly had sodas, energy drinks, sandwich fixings and pudding cups of all things. I rolled my eyes. The only thing missing from this frat kitchen was the beer.
My stomach was suddenly interested in eating, screaming and rumbling wildly. I was reaching for a box of crackers when the door handle suddenly jerked, making me jump back so hard I rammed my back against the counter. I was ready to chastise myself for being wound so tight, but the door knob continued to jerk and shake. I stared – Finn wouldn’t be doing that. I swallowed hard and scanned the room even though I already knew there was nothing I could grab to defend myself. A key entered the lock but wouldn’t turn. Then another. My breaths began to quicken. My stomach began to sour. Muscles below my belly began to ache and twitch with pain, reminding me how very much they didn’t want to be violated again. Had to say I agreed, so I slithered my way into the darkness of the bedroom.
I locked the door behind me, stepping backwards, scared to death to turn my eyes away. I bumped into the dresser, then the bed, then used it to guide my way around the room. I gasped when the main door into the suite opened and closed behind it, relocking back into place. Footsteps circled the living and kitchen. By the time they made it to bedroom door, I had made it to the bathroom door. This time the lock opened with the first key.
I knew every curve of that shadow all too well.
Friggs flipped on the light and we both stared for a moment. Once upon a time I felt joy upon seeing him; always had a smile waiting. Now I was filled with loathing and disgust. And humiliation over how well he played me.
“Fancy finding you here,” he mildly stated. With his first step of movement I flew into the bathroom and locked it behind me. I could hear his footsteps calmly walking towards the door, and I once again began to move backwards, all the way into the walk-in shower.
I inwardly groaned when I heard the lock disengage. Of course he had his own set of keys to everything.
“Cupcake,” he greeted without interest once he entered. He pocketed the keys and leaned against the wall, ultimately blocking my only way out. With a fake caring voice, he smiled and asked, “So how’s it going?”
My eyes narrowed automatically, but my voice remained silent.
“I see you found your way into my nephew’s bed.” His eyes quickly skirted around the room, checking his surroundings for who knew what. If I had access to something I could use to seriously hurt him, I’d already have it in my hands. When his eyes found me again, he added, “But that won’t save you long term.”
Friggs slowly stalked toward me. My insides were crying, cringing. I could feel myself breaking down, could feel the tears already building up behind my eyes. My face fell as the tears rushed out. “Please…” I whined.
He gently shushed me as he neared. His hands were tender when they found my skin. At first. It wasn’t long before one of them found their way to my neck, extending my head upward to look at him. I immediately gripped his forearm with both hands, ready to pull but deathly afraid to do so. The corner of his mouth twitched.
Before his grip became too tight, I accused, “You said you were done with me.”
“Well, you were a dead fuck last time.”
“According to Megan that’s how you like them. How many times did you rape her when she was unconscious from all your damn drugs?”
With a twinkle in his eyes, he replied cheerfully, “More than she knows. But I actually prefer your sister awake these days. She
’s one of those who need to be reminded of their place.” His grip tightened then, effectively shutting me up. Air wheezed in and out, the passage inside my throat barely accessible. “But not you. You’ve learned much faster. Look at the way you’ve back yourself into a corner you could never escape from. You’re not even fighting me right now.”
I wasn’t, was I? I wanted to, but something inside me was so fucking scared I was permanently frozen. All my body could do was shake, go weak in the knees. Self-preservation, maybe? Friggs forcing himself on me was bad enough, but it was the hitting I feared more.
Tears streamed faster down my cheeks, burning my already sensitive skin. “You don’t even want me,” I choked out.
He shrugged without compassion. “I don’t really want any of you.” His face came even closer to mine, but I was already pinned to the shower wall with nowhere to go. “But I know a group of men who’d love to show you a good time again.” I felt my bloodshot eyes widen, felt them strain painfully. “So what do you say?” he asked quietly. “Want to go for a walk?”
“You son of a bitch,” I heard Finn say from the other side of Friggs. My heart felt the tiniest twinge of relief, but my head knew better. My head worried Finn couldn’t do anything to get him off me, couldn’t do anything to keep him from dragging me back down to that black hole of a nightmare. I could still hear that girl screaming in the darkness as she was pulled away.
Friggs cocked an amused smile before smarting back, “Well it actually runs in the family, but you already know that firsthand, don’t you?” His hand remained on my throat, keeping me trapped as his torso shifted to get a better look. Finn stood tall in the doorway, hands fidgeting, tightening in and out of fists, his glare hard set on Friggs. For the first time I actually really looked at him. He was taller and bigger than I realized. “What are you doing?” Friggs asked him. “Planning on using this one to make your own bastard son?”
NEARLY Trilogy Page 71