UnTouch Me

by Dawn Martens

  We walk up to the front door, and Angel’s looking nervous. When she opens the door, she’s hiding her face behind her hair. That isn’t the Eden I knew; the one I knew was always so lively, constantly showing off her face, saying she was beautiful—she doesn’t even seem to recognize any of us. She ends up recognizing Angel, but she doesn’t even hug him or anything. It almost looks like she wishes it wasn’t him at all.

  What the hell is up with that? I would think she would be excited to see him, that she’d jump into his arms or some shit, not back away and look disappointed.

  We go into the house, and we all stand around, feeling a bit uncomfortable. I decide to go hang out with the kid sister. At first, Eden doesn’t seem to want me around her, and I have to say, that really fucking hurt.

  “Well, hey there, kid,” I say smiling as I go to sit in the chair next to her.

  She looks at me questionably, as if thinking before she speaks. Most kids right away blurt out whatever is on their mind, and usually it’s rude. “Well, hey there yourself,” she says, mimicking me.

  “What’s your name?” I ask her. I already know it, but it’s good to get the kid talking, to get to know her.

  “I’m Glenna. My big sister calls me G-baby, though. What’s your name?”

  “I’m Zippo,” I say, putting my hand out, hoping for a hand shake.

  She takes a look at my hand, thinking. She finally reaches out and shakes my hand. “Can I call you Mr. Zip?” she asks me.

  I let out a small laugh. That’s a new one. Never got that name before. “Sure thing, G-baby,” I say, winking at her.

  “Did you know, when you are like, super old, even older than you are now, all those tattoos are gonna be all gross and saggy with your old man wrinkles?” she says seriously.

  I grin. “Probably, but that’s okay. At least I’ll still think they look cool,” I tell her.

  “Yeah, that’s good. Don’t care what other people think. Best way to live,” she tells me, grinning.

  For someone so little, she sure is a smart kid.

  “What are you working on?” I ask her, looking to the books on the table.

  She groans and pouts. “Math homework. Mr. Zip, I’m telling you, if I didn’t think Eden would ground me, I wouldn’t bother doing it.” She reminds me a lot of her sister at this age. They don’t favor much in looks, but they both have blonde hair.

  “Let me take a look, see if I can help you,” I say, scooting my chair in closer to hers.

  After helping her work out a few problems, she finally gets it, so I leave her to it, grabbing a brownie from the counter. I walk back out to the living room, to see if Eden is talking.

  Pushing through the swinging door, I freeze. Eden has her shirt pulled up her back, and I can see the ugly marks left behind from her father. Looks like she was fucking peeled open. When she turns around, I finally see what she was hiding behind her hair. Her face! My God!

  When Angel tells me that Lilly knew the whole fuckin’ time too, I’m pissed. I hear Lilly call through the front door, and I go to it on a mission. I fling it open and stare down Lilly.

  “You knew before I told you. You knew this whole time, all these years?” I ground out, already knowing the answer to my own question.

  “I can explain,” she rushes out.

  “Really? You fuckin’ think so?” I grab her wrist harshly and drag her through the kitchen.

  “Auntie Lilly!” Glenna squeals in delight. She starts to come to Lilly for a hug.

  “Not right now, sweetie. Be right back,” Lilly says quietly, following behind me as I drag her out the back door. As soon as we step outside, I shove her away.

  “Why did you never fucking tell me!” I yell at her.

  “I couldn’t, Vinny. I just couldn’t,” she says, trying to calm me down. She moves in to wrap her arms around me.

  “Don’t fuckin’ touch me!” I seethe. “When I told you about Eden being back, that was when you should have opened your fucking mouth and told me you knew.” I look away from her, trying to keep my anger in check. She is pregnant with my child, and my ring is on her finger, but she fuckin’ knows how I feel about liars. She might as well have just twisted a knife in my back. It kills me because, as much as her lie hurts, the secret I am keeping from her is so much worse. If I’m feeling this way toward her about her lie, how is she going to feel when my secret comes out?

  “Please, let me explain,” she begs.

  “How long have you fuckin’ known she was back living here before I told you?” I demand to know.

  “Since day one, while you were on another case, I helped her move in quietly,” she says, looking down to the ground.

  I grab her arms, wanting to shake some sense into her. “And the night she left?”

  “I was with you that night, but Mom told me when I came home the next day. Vinny, let go. You’re hurting me,” she whispers.

  I step back from her, dropping her arms. “I can’t believe you fucking kept this shit from me! We’re living together! Fuck, we’re having a kid together, yet for years, fucking years, you kept that from me? From Angel? All of us?” I scream at her. “We’re done, Lilly. We are fucking done, and this time, it’s permanent.”

  Tears are streaming down her face as she tries pleading with me. “Eden made me promise. She begged me not to tell you guys. She found out about…”

  I cut her off. “I don’t want to fucking hear anything you have to say. Fuck you!” I shout. She has had so many opportunities to tell me the truth, and she chose not to. All of the times I asked her if she’d heard from Eden, she lied straight to my face. I can’t believe Lilly has been fucking lying to me all this time.

  It’s at that moment Eden comes out, giving us a fuckin’ lecture. I feel like shit when she tells us that we scared Glenna. When she goes back inside, I turn back to Lilly.

  “I’m going. I’ll be out of your house by morning,” I say then walk passed her. I walk toward Reaper and Angel, who both just came out of the house, but I don’t say a word to them. I look back over my shoulder one last time. “We’re fuckin’ done.”

  “What’s going on?” Angel asks me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

  I try to shrug him off me. I pull out my lighter and a smoke and light up. “Bitch could have... no, wait, she should have fucking told us what was going on with Eden. We could have helped her way before now. I put the blame on her fucking shoulders.” I move away from him and Reaper, heading to my bike, and roar the fuck away.

  I know I over-reacted. I get that she was just keeping her word to Eden, but shit with Kayla is eating me up inside. I snapped. It’s better this way—me ending it before she ends it with me when she finds out.

  I’m standing in Eden’s yard, sobbing as I watch Vinny walk away from me. I place a hand on my stomach and whisper, “It’s going to be okay, baby.” How could he just give up on us so easily? He said he loved me. He promised me forever. He said he wanted this baby.

  Angel and Reaper both come out of the house, asking if I’m okay. I let them know to tell Vinny that I’ll never keep him from our child, and hand over the engagement ring that Vinny gave me just last week. We might have broken up constantly and gotten back together, but this time feels different. This time, I know it’s really over.

  Eden and I make a night of watching scary movies. When I admitted to her about Vinny and I dating all these years, and how I’m pregnant, I could see the hurt all over her face. She’s able to let it go, though.

  Thankfully, I’m glad to have my best friend back, in person, instead of having to sneak around with phone calls and pictures. With her here, at least I know something will end up being okay.

  I get home and see that Vinny’s bike is here. I’m hoping his outburst, what he said to me, was just an overreaction to learning about Eden. I’m hoping like crazy he’s not really gone from my life.

  I open the front door and notice my safe on the floor, opened. The pictures that I’ve been hiding for years are all o
ver the floor. Shit!!

  “The secrets just keep coming out, don’t they?” I hear Vinny say from the living room. “I never knew you at all. All the lies you told me, the secrets...”

  “Vinny, please.” I’m hoping he’ll let me explain.

  “Now, this, this is just icing on the cake,” he says, holding out a photo that I took of Eden and the twins.

  “You can’t tell Jasper,” I rush out.

  “You think I’m stupid? Of course I’m not fuckin’ telling him that!” he booms at me, looking down at his shit kickers and the pictures scattered across the floor just like the pieces of our lives.

  I shrink back and start to cry. “I’m sorry, Vinny. I’m so damn sorry. Do you know how hard this was for me to keep to myself, just between me, Mom, and Hilary? It was so fucking hard! I couldn’t even tell Eden I was with you, because I was scared I’d lose her friendship and she’d take off somewhere else, thinking I would tell you.”

  “Doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done. We’re over. There is no going back now,” he says, standing up. His eyes narrow in on my hand. “Where’s your ring?” he demands.

  “I took it off. Jasper has it,” I say quietly.

  His jaw clenches, and he storms out of the house, but not before throwing his key on the floor.

  I head over to Eden’s place just as Jasper was pulling out of the driveway. My heart breaks for her. I know what she did, keeping those children from him, wasn’t her smartest decision, but he had secrets too. He still has one she doesn’t know about, and I’m not about to tell her. It would destroy her even more than she’s already been destroyed. No one deserves to be happy more than Eden does. She has been through so much; things can’t end like this for her. She deserves to be happy with the man she loves. She deserves happiness with Jasper.

  I don’t see Monica around much anymore, but when I do, she just gives me a sad smile and small wave. I don’t think Jasper’s told Eden about her, that they were in a relationship or that they lost a child, but it’s not my place to say anything. I don’t want to create more drama than is needed, especially with everything going on right now.

  And now that Monica knows about Jasper’s kids, she knows now that she will never have a place in Jasper’s life, no matter what happens.

  I get out of my car and walk in the house to see Eden standing in the window, tears streaming down her face. I hate seeing her hurting so deep.

  “Eden, babe,” I call to her.

  Her head whips around as she tries to wipe the tears away. “Hey,” she says quietly. Her scars have faded a lot, but I still haven’t gotten used to the severity of them.

  “Still nothing?” I ask. I know Jasper has every right to be angry, but for him just to shut her out completely is wrong. I guess he and Vinny have a lot more in common than I thought. They are both stubborn assholes.

  She shakes her head. “No, he won’t even let me talk, unless it’s about the twins.”

  Walking toward her, I hold out my arms to hug her. She wraps her arms awkwardly around my protruding stomach. “I know how you feel,” I say into her ear. Stepping back, I give her a small sympathetic smile. “Who needs them anyways? Jasper, Vinny, Mason, pfft, screw ‘em. Let’s have a three way lesbian relationship,” I tell her with a smile.

  Her lips curl up, and she bursts out laughing. “You’ve been spending too much time with Hilary, but no, that wouldn’t work. Hilary hates the ‘V’,” she says with a teasing smirk.

  “Let’s get supper. I’m starved,” I tell her, rubbing my growing belly. “Hey kids!” I shout, walking into the small kitchen.

  “Auntie Lilly!” they all shout back.

  “Wow, you are huge,” Ethan says. His eyes are bulging at my ever-present bump.

  “Hey! You aren’t supposed to say that! Just think it, but don’t say it,” Jessica says, scolding him.

  I burst out laughing and shake my head. Kids. I smile at them as I take my seat at the table. I can’t wait to be a mom. Jessica gets up and fixes me a plate.

  “I don’t think Lilly and the baby eat that much.” G-baby takes one look at the mountain of spaghetti on my plate and shakes her head.

  I wish Vinny was here, sharing in this fun. He ended up missing the ultrasound appointment today. Finding out that I’m having a little girl was an amazing feeling, but Vinny was a no show. I tried calling and texting, but he never responded. How he can treat me this way…I don’t get it.

  I was scared about becoming pregnant, or more so, telling Vinny. Kids weren’t something we were really planning on, but when I broke the news to him, he was so happy. I don’t know what went wrong. I know the stuff I kept from him was a low blow, but I feel like I’m missing something. I have been over every word, every fight, and I can’t figure it out. If it were another woman, I’d see it. I don’t understand it all.

  I make it to the clubhouse and see Angel sitting at the bar area, nursing a beer and scowling. “What’s up?” I ask him, taking a seat next to him. A cloud of smoke hits my nose. Momma B is smoking at the other end of the bar.

  “Nothing, man, nothing,” he mutters.

  “Bullshit,” I shoot back. “Have you talked anymore with Eden? Find out anything?” I can’t believe Eden lied to him like that. The situation is ten kinds of fucked up.

  “No, she kept my fuckin’ kids from me, man. I have nothing to say to her, besides wanting to rip her fuckin’ head off. And she has nothing to say that I wanna hear,” he says, storming off to his room.

  I pull off my beanie and rub at my face. I hope to fuck he doesn’t go back to how bad he was when Eden left. Between the drugs and the women, it took him a long fucking time to get clean. Of course, it also was when Monica lost their child. That shook them both up huge, and they both got clean because of it. Of course, Eden doesn’t know about any of that shit. Those two are just like Lilly and me. We all seem to have fucking secrets, and we’re all too scared to mess up to try to make shit work out.

  I get a text saying that I need to be at the doctor’s appointment in an hour for Lilly. I feel like I’m being run ragged with all this shit. Kayla knows everything, but Lilly still doesn’t, and I know if I told Angel or Reaper, I’d probably have my ass handed to me.

  I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore. I can’t seem to keep my days straight, let alone whose appointment I’m supposed to be at. Momma B slides down the bar next to me. “What’s eating at you, boy?”

  “Life,” I bark, being a smartass. I’m not in the mood for her shit. I have enough crazy women to deal with.

  “Why are you so angry with Lilly but not her mother? Ann knew this whole time as well,” Momma B tells me.

  “It’s not the same. Not like I was fucking her mom,” I spit out. Plus, that’s not even why this shit is going on. This break up, it’s all my fucking fault, and it’s something I can’t talk to anyone about.

  “You need to grow a pair of fucking balls. I swear, if I have to get another phone call from Mrs. Shepard about seeing Lilly cry again, I’ll be dropping you off at her front door,” she tells me as she gets off the stool and walks away.

  I fling my beer across the room, barely missing T-Bags’ head.

  “Whoa, dude, what the hell is going on with you, huh? This shit ain’t like you. It’s been months. Eden’s back. Lilly knew. Get the fuck over it!” he yells at me.

  I’m staring at the fucker in shock, because he barely ever opens his mouth to anyone.

  “Just, fuck! Sorry, man, just a lot of shit going on,” I tell him.

  “Looks to me like this might not be all about Lilly’s secrets. Does it have something to do with the pregnant chick I see you with sometimes that’s not Lilly?” he asks, leaning in close so no one else hears.

  I swallow roughly. “How’d you know?”

  “You haven’t been acting right, man. I followed you once, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. That’s when I saw you with that other chick.” He pauses then leans in even closer. “Just tel
l me this- did you cheat on Lilly?”

  I shake my head. “No, I was with Kayla when Lilly and I weren’t together, but never when we actually were together. Still, man, it still fucking feels like I cheated on her,” I tell him.

  His jaw clenches tight, and for a minute, I think he’s gonna punch me.

  “I’ve watched you and her for years. Years I watched you two. If you don’t man the fuck up, someone else will, and trust me, I would make her very fucking happy.”

  What the fuck did he just say? “You touch what’s mine, I’ll kill you,” I growl at him.

  He doesn’t back down, just keeps glaring at me. “You need to tell Lilly. Not gonna say anything more, but when she finds out, she might just kill you,” he tells me. “But know this, you fuck it up with her, she even shows an ounce of feelings for me, ever… I’ll fight you for her, and it’s a fight I’ll make sure I fucking win,” he says proudly and walks away.

  I haven’t heard from Vinny since my doctor’s appointment last week, and while I should just not care, it bugs me. This is the longest we’ve ever split up. We used to get into the stupidest petty fights, but we would always come back together. I miss him so damn much. I just don’t know how to get us back to good.

  I lay on my bed with my hand on my belly, feeling the flutters of the child I’m carrying, my daughter. It seems that my girls and I are just unlucky in love, and it totally sucks. I keep thinking of all the things Vinny and I should be doing together, all the fun stuff- picking out names, shopping for baby furniture, and decorating her room. He’s missing out on all of it. I know he will regret this one day, but what if that day comes too late?

  There is a knock on my front door, making me get up out of my bed. The knocking on my door becomes more rapid, and the doorbell starts going off too.

  I fling it open. “Seriously?” I shout.