by Emily N. Kay
“Um, yeah, sure,” Violet replied unsurely.
“Okay, so, I know this is weird, but… you know Kyle, right? Of course you know him. He’s the new guy everyone’s been talking about.” She paused to study Violet’s reaction, and when Viloet nodded, she continued, “Well, the thing is… he wants to know if you want to hang.”
Violet’s heart was pounding like crazy and her head was spinning. “What, with me?” Her voice came out hoarse.
Stacey looked amused. “Yeah. You.”
“But I thought you and him—”
Stacey interrupted with a snort. “Me and him? Not happening. We’re just hanging out cause’ he thinks I’m the coolest person in this goddamn place. No offence. Anyway, he’s not even my type.” She flipped her hair and rolled her eyes. “And trust me, I know what a guy wants from me, and he doesn’t want anything from me. Well, aside from my friendship. But with you? I mean…” Stacey eyed Violet suggestively.
Violet stared at the girl, trying to contain her excitement when really her stomach was now flipping vigorously. Was this a test? Did Kyle send Stacey to gauge her reaction?
Regardless, Violet wouldn’t make it seem like she’s too desperate for his interest. Ever. Because that’s how every guy had lost her.
So she cleared her throat. “So why are you here instead of him? I mean, it’s kind of lame, don’t you think? Sending someone else to ask a girl out. That’s like, the biggest turn-off for me,” said Violet with her chin lifted, suddenly finding her confidence level rocketing.
Stacey looked at Violet and her lips curled up, like she’s impressed. “How about this…” she said. “I’ll tell him to stop being a pussy and then we’ll see how it goes?”
Violet grinned. “Sounds good to me.”
The next day, Kyle Rogers came up to Violet during lunch. With his dimple flashing, he said, “You wanna hang later?”
And that day was when it all started. That’s when the little gang was formed—Violet, Kyle, Stacey and whoever was Stacey’s “boyfriend” at the time. They were getting closer day by day, from sitting at lunch together to hanging out outside of school to going to sleepovers at Stacey’s.
Stacey started sending videos to Violet—the stuff about veganism and how dairy can affect your body and all that. At first Violet was skeptical. She loved minced pie, and pepperoni pizza was her favourite food of all time. But then she saw how happy and full of energy Stacey was, and all she ate was açaí bowl and avocado toasts and all those plant-based treats, Violet wanted to give it a go. And she wasn’t disappointed. One week of vegan try-out, and she couldn’t go back. And now the mere smell of bacon made her want to hurl her guts out.
It’s great. Because now Stacey and Violet had so much in common beside Kyle.
Kyle never properly asked Violet to be his girlfriend or anything like that. But everyone knew they’re a thing, Violet was sure. Who wouldn’t think they’re together? They were almost always together. Inseparable.
Violet had never felt happier. She felt like she had finally found her people.
Chapter 11
Josh
The day I told V about my father was when I was sick with the flu. It’s amazing how I have come to like being sick. Because it would mean that V would come and lie on the bed next to me… Just to keep me company. That’s how caring she was.
That night, she wanted to make sure I was all right, that I didn’t feel too bad, and that I had everything I needed. V kept touching my forehead to make sure that my fever hadn’t gone too high. It was adorable how she was so worried for me. Even my mum didn’t care that much.
I was delirious, and I started spilling. And by that time, V was old enough to feel so sorry for me that she started crying along with me, and she kept saying sorry—even though she didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t hit me. She didn’t make my mum go through hell for years.
V slept by my side, her little arms around me, telling me that it’s okay now, that she’s here, everything will be fine. When I glanced at her—with her wet lashes brushing against her smooth cheeks—I felt a wash of warmth flooding through me. I had never felt so protected, so loved… And I wished I was never getting better.
After that day, I have always looked forward to getting sick again. I wanted to be weak, to be vulnerable so that V would come and care for me. Pathetic… I know. But my life has been nothing but pathetic, especially when it comes to my step-sister.
I can do it again, a thought flickers. If she sees that I’m sick, surely she would cancel whatever plan she has with Kyle tonight. She would drop everything to be with me. She would choose me over him. I’m sure of that.
This is one of the most fucked up things I’ll ever have to do… I’m not proud of it, but what choice do I have? To prevent Kyle from coming here, from doing who knows what with V, I have to do whatever I have to.
“You don’t feel warm to me,” says V after touching my forehead for any sign of fever.
“I know. But I really don’t feel good,” I say, slumping my shoulders. I walk over to her bed and sit at the bottom.
Her brow furrows. “You looked fine earlier.”
I shrug. “I wasn’t fine… You just didn’t notice.” I didn’t attempt to hide the bitterness in my voice. I clear my throat. “My head hurts. My throat hurts. I think there’s some bug going around in the pharmarcy.” I fake sniff.
V cocks her head, looking at me closely. “Then you should go lie down in your room, Josh. Why are you here spreading your germs.” Although her tone is light, I’m still taken aback. It hurts to think that if this was two years ago, V would never say such things—she would never hesitate to get close to me, germs or no germs.
I draw in a deep breath, my face heating up. “I can go back to my room, but that also means Kyle can’t come over any more.”
Her mouth immediately gapes open. “What! You can’t do this! What does you being sick have to do with Kyle coming here!” she cries out.
I hold her gaze. “Because if I’m in my room—sick—I wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on you and—”
“Oh my God, Josh!” she yells, throwing her head back in frustration. “Stop it! I don’t need you to keep an eye on me! I’m old enough and I have a life. Am I allowed to do that, Josh? Am I even allowed to live my life?”
Words get stuck in my throat. I can’t talk. I can’t even think. Her words—they hit me like bullets.
V is pacing around the room now, her arms crossed, like she’s trying to calm herself down. “You need to leave.” She grits her teeth, not even meeting my eyes.
I stare at her. “I need to what?”
“Please leave…” she repeats, her gaze fixing on the floor. “I can take care of myself, Josh. I know what I’m doing, and I don’t need your permission or your approval on anything. Can you just please leave before Kyle gets here?” she says, her voice quiet.
I just sit there, feeling like a fool by the second. What am I even doing? Pretending to be sick just to get her attention.
I’m fucking idiot…
I slowly stand up, trying to get V to look me in the eye, but she wouldn’t… V turns her face away, her lower lip sticking out like how she always does when she’s annoyed.
“Fine. I’ll go,” I tell her sourly before I brush past her and haul myself out of her room.
It’s that moment that it finally hits me—in full force.
She chooses him over me.
It’s been hours of flipping and turning on the bed and I still cannot seem to fall asleep. Why do I even try? Why should I try to do anything? Nothing ever goes my way anyway.
I frustratingly kick the quilt away, suddenly feeling hot and starting to sweat even though the AC is on and it’s supposed to be freezing because that’s how I like my room to be.
I sit up. My throat starts to itch now and I feel a little dizzy. Maybe I’m actually getting sick. Hoo-fucking-ray.
V’s room is directly next to mine. And it doesn’t help that the walls
in this house are as thin as paper. I’ve always liked that I could hear V’s singing when she’s in a good mood. But now, all I can hear is Kyle’s deep, annoying voice and V’s laugh. If I concentrate hard enough, I think I can even hear their lips smacking.
I want to bury myself alive.
I’ve tried everything—pillows, ear plugs, ear buds. Nothing works. Their laughs still pierce through. And I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one who cares. I’m tired of loving. I’m tired of feeling like I’m alone in this world. But most of all, I’m beyond exhausted for trying so hard to convince myself that I still stand a chance—that she might return the feelings.
I’m losing V—the girl who’s the reason I’m still alive—and I can’t do anything to stop it. And I’m just so, so fucking tired…
Finally, I feel myself drifting to sleep.
I wake up again when I feel a cool hand on my cheek. Squinting my eyes through the dark, I see the silhoutte of V’s face—so unmistakably V. She flinches a little and pulls her hand away.
“What are you doing?” I ask, my voice cracking. Gosh, my throat really hurts. This is what I get for lying.
“Checking on you, silly.” She playfully pokes me in the chest with her little finger. “How you feeling? I think you have a fever now,” she says, her tone etched with worry, and my heart instantly expands.
I sit up, rubbing my eyes. My body actually aches. “Not good. Where’s Kyle?”
V tilts her head, and I can’t make out her face. “He left, Josh. Long time ago. Because you said he can’t stay over, so I told him to go.”
I blink, totally surprised. “You actually listened to me?” Though I said that in the most neutral tone ever, I’m laughing with relief in my head right now. She still cares about me after all!
“It’s just cause’ I felt really bad…” she says quietly.
“Why?”
She huffs out a breath. “For acting out. For being a total brat to you,” she mumbles. “Even when Kyle was here I was… I don’t know. It felt wrong having him over when you’re not feeling well.”
“I thought you two were having a blast. At least from what I heard,” I say sarcastically, unable to help myself.
V is quiet for a moment. She takes a deep breath and says, “I’m sorry.” But she doesn’t look sorry to me. Or maybe it’s just because I can’t seem to read her any more.
I raise my brow anyway.
She goes on, “I mean, I know you’re just trying to be a good brother and all. It’s just—sometimes it’s frustrating to feel like I’m the bad guy all the time when all I want to do is just have fun, you know? Sometimes I wish you could just… be my friend and not my big brother all the time.”
I swallow, and my throat closes up. I don’t want to be either…
“Anyway, I’m going to bed now, and you should go back to sleep,” she says. “Feel better, Joshie.” V strokes my hair once before she gets up and leaves.
I close my eyes and try not to overthink it. What did I expect anyway? That she’s going to stay with me over night? Sleep next to me? Talk me to sleep like old times? I have to stop kidding myself.
But no matter how hard I try to tell myself, that I need to accept the truth for what it is and take what I can get, that I need to just let her go and let her be… Still, the last thought I have before I fall into a deep, delirious sleep is, I can’t let her go… I just can’t.
The next morning, I come down to find V humming in the kitchen. She is cooking something in a small stock pot.
“Hey,” I say.
V whips her head to me, startled. “Jesus, Josh! You’re up early.”
“What’s that?” I nod at the pot.
“Chicken soup for the sick boy,” she replies with a grin. “I didn’t know you’ll be up this early. I would’ve brought it up to you.”
I can’t help but smile like an idiot. “Okay… I don’t know why you’re being so nice all of a sudden, but… I’ll take it.” I walk over to her, pushing down the urge to wrap my arms around her waist from behind and pretend like we’re a normal married couple.
“You feeling better? It’s almost done now. Go wait at the table.” She speaks very fast and she keeps stirring the soup, not meeting my eyes.
V is hiding something, I realise… Like that time when she tried so hard not to spill to my mum what we got for her birthday. That is exactly the vibe I get from her now.
I narrow my eyes at her. “What’s going on? What are you hiding?”
Her eyes go wild. “What do you mean? I’m not hiding anything. Just go wait at the table, will you?” She’s shuffling around the kitchen cabinet, as though she’s trying to find something.
“You’re not very good at keeping secrets, V. We both know that,” I tell her.
She stops short, then she turns off the stove and turns to face me, her tiny lips spreading into a mischevious grin. “Okay, fine! I was going to wait until you finished breakfast, but okay!”
Without any further explanation, V giddily runs out to the front yard. I watch through the window as she’s getting something out of the mailbox—a brown, A4-size envelope.
My heart drops, and my feet turn to stone.
When she is back inside, I am still unable to move.
V seems to mistake my stillness for shock or anxiety as she flashes me an encouraging smile. “Open it, Josh,” she says breathlessly, handing me the envelope. She nudges it forward again when I don’t move.
I slowly take the dreadful thing from her, and I open it with a shaking hand.
She touches my elbow and smiles. “No matter what that letter says, I’m here for you.”
I look into her beautiful, sparkling eyes, and I feel that pain in my chest again.
“Oh, be quick about it, Josh!”
“What are you hoping for, V?” I blurt out before I can stop it.
She looks at me like I’m being stupid. “What do you mean what I’m hoping for—of course I want you to get it!”
“Well, I got it… okay? I got the scholarship.”
I watch as V’s face shifts into confusion.
“You knew?” she utters with disbelief. “For how long? And… and why didn’t you tell us? This is a huge deal, Josh!”
I close my eyes and sigh. “I got the email the other day. Your first day of work, actually.”
V stares at me, frowning. “Then why… Aren’t you happy about it,? I thought this is everything to you. I thought—”
“It’s not, okay!” I cut her off. “It’s not everything to me. In fact, it doesn’t mean shit to me. Not any more.”
“What’s going with you? Really…” She eyes me with concern.
“I’m just… I’m not sure if this is really what I want.”
She gawks at me. “How can you say that! It’s U of Syd, Josh! You’ve been dying to go there since forever!”
“Well, things change, okay! People change. I mean, you’ve changed so why can’t I?” I snap.
V blinks, and for a second hurt flashes across her face, but she tilts her chin up and hold my gaze. “That doesn’t make any sense. You throwing away your lifelong dream and me growing up are two very different things.”
“Look,” I say, my voice softer this time, “I don’t even know if I want to study law any more. I need more time to think, V… It’s my future. I can’t rush into making any decision, okay? And I’d appreciate it if you don’t say anything to our parents.”
Her eyebrows knit together and she looks pissed now. “I want to say that I respect your decision, Josh, but I will say this—you will regret it if you don’t go to Sydney!”
I clench my teeth. “And why do you think I’ll be happier if I’m there? What’s in Sydney that’s so great for me, huh? Why do you even think I want that!”
She throws her hands up, looking appalled. “Oh my God. Josh. What’s in Sydney? Everything! It has everything that we don’t have here. And if I’m half as smart as you, and if I get a chance to go to Sy
dney with a full scholarship…” She scoffs. “I would fucking take it. In a heartbeat. I mean, just imagine what life would be like for you there. The opportunities that will come your way. The people you will meet. You don’t want to throw it all away and be… stuck here, do you?”
I can only stare at her. My head is throbbing, and I want to yell at her, leaving you is never an option, V!
V continues, “This is a great opportunity you’re getting, Josh. It’s literally being handed to you, and now you’re thinking about not taking it?” She shakes her head slowly.
I let out a long breath. “All I’m saying is,” I start slowly, “even if I’m not going to Sydney, there are options for me here. I could—”
She doesn’t let me finish. “You could go to Harvard if you wanted to! You’re the smartest guy I know… So why are you wasting your potential by staying!”
I don’t say my answer to her.
“Eat your soup, Josh. And really think about what’s so great here that you want to throw your life away for. Because I really need to know.” V shakes her head and stomps away.
It’s you, V… It’s all because of you that I’m throwing it all away…
Chapter 12
Violet
2019
Today was the day Violet had been waiting for—the day her kind-of-boyfriend and her kind-of-best-friend will get to meet her brother. Finally all her favourite people will get to meet, and Violet could not wait. It had been almost four months since they all started hanging out, and she just couldn’t wait any longer. It’s about time they meet.
Josh went to a different school because Meg didn’t want to deal with the transfer and all that after they moved in. And besides, Josh’s school was literally two blocks down the street. So they went home together everyday. Same bus line. Same Time.
As the bus approached, Violet’s excitement suddenly turned into anxiety. Wait, what if Josh couldn’t get along with Kyle and Stacey? She was so excited that she forgot to think that Josh wasn’t really good with meeting new people.