Kezia licked her suddenly dry lips and shook her head, willing him to understand why she hadn’t been able to tell him. But his frown of confusion turned to disbelief and to hurt before her eyes. He let go of her shoulders.
“Kezia? Our child? My child? And you did not tell me?”
She bit her quivering lip and shook her head. “I… could not.” She pleaded with her eyes for him to understand something of her fears and hopes which had kept her silent, but she could see he didn’t understand. Whether because of his grief or whether he truly had no idea of how precarious her position was in his family, it appeared he had no clue as to her motives.
Rufus shook his head in confusion and joined the others in carrying his mother’s body into the hall.
From across the bailey, Celestria rose. “If you had told Rufus you were with child, Kezia, my mother might still be alive.”
“Celestria!” said Katherine.
But Celestria ignored Katherine and pointed her finger to Kezia. “You killed her! You, with your forest ways, tricked my brother into giving you a child and then used the child to save your own skin. And now our mother is dead!”
Kezia staggered back, her hands reaching around the barely formed babe in her stomach, as if to protect it from hearing such things. She shook her head. “No, it wasn’t like that. I didn’t—”
“You are responsible for my mother’s death,” said Celestria, stabbing her finger accusingly at her.
Everyone looked at Kezia, aghast. Katherine tried to take Celestria’s hand to pull her away, but she shook her off. It was only when Rufus signaled for his men to take Lady Charlotte’s body into the hall and gripped Celestria by the shoulders, that the scene came to an end.
“Go, Kezia,” he said, turning to her. “Up to the bedchamber and wait for me there.”
“No. I didn’t—”
“Do as I say. There is nothing to be gained by you talking to my sisters at the moment.”
Celestria wriggled free, but Rufus grabbed her arm to stop any further progress. “Go, Kezia.”
“But it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t… It wasn’t like that—”
Celestria leaned over Rufus’s shoulder, her eyes bright with anger. “I don’t want you here, none of us want you here. You must leave us before you wreak any more harm on our family.”
She ran, hysterically sobbing after her dead mother into the hall.
“Katherine,” said Kezia. “I’m so sorry for your loss, I…”
“Hush.” Katherine drew away. “There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. Mother died doing what she always did—defending us. That’s all. Don’t listen to Celestria, that’s grief talking, and she was ever one for too much passion. She’ll recover soon and then she’ll be devastated at what she’s said to you. It is simply her way.”
Kezia swallowed a sob of relief at Katherine’s words. “I’m so glad you don’t believe…” Again, she couldn’t bring herself to say the words. They were too dreadful to say out loud. They were causing sufficient devastation by repeatedly going through her mind.
Kezia reached out for Rufus, needing him to understand, but he pulled her hand from his arm and stepped away, and her heart sank. He, too, blamed her. She could feel it in how he looked at her, and how he stood away from her, could sense it in every fiber of her being.
“Go,” he repeated, his voice blank, devoid of feeling. He was hurting grievously, she knew, but she’d never felt so alone.
She staggered back under its impact. “Rufus?” she asked.
Then he looked at her, and the grief was palpable. It tore through her to see the man she loved hurting so much.
“Later,” he said, more gently. “I will come to you later. But now my family needs me, and they don’t need you.”
His words were like a dagger to her heart, and she watched him walk away.
“You don’t mean that?” she asked.
He stopped in his tracks and pushed his fingers through his hair. He twisted around to face her. “Kezia. My mother is dead. All I wish is to deal with this as best I can, and you see how upset Celestria is. Give her time. Give us all time.” He walked over to his sisters who fell against him, for support. Kezia gasped and walked quickly to the side door and ran up the steps to the bedchamber she shared with Rufus, where she’d learned what love was.
With mud still clinging to her gown, and blood still smeared on her skin, she curled up onto the bed, cradling the baby in her body and listened to the pandemonium which reached her through the thick flint walls, until she had to stop her ears with her fingers to keep out the keening and wailing of the women as they gathered around their dead matriarch.
In the end it wasn’t Rufus who knocked on the door of her chamber, but Sir Harry. It was dark now and the castle had fallen into an uneasy murmuring of barely exhausted grief, echoed by the restless sea. Kezia had stayed mute by the window, watching the light fade from the sky as Rufus and William had galloped away, to where, she didn’t know.
As she rose to answer Sir Harry’s knock, she felt stiff-limbed from staying seated for so long. She opened the door and hesitated at the look on his face. This man, so close a confidante to Lady Charlotte, had grief written all over his face and one other emotion, hate. Belatedly Kezia realized that he’d loved Lady Charlotte.
“I’m so sorry—” she began.
The look on his face silenced her. She shrank from him as he entered the room. “I’m here, not to listen to you, but to inform you of what you must now do.”
“What I must do?” she repeated, confused.
“Lady Charlotte was informed of your true identity by Sir Bayard and now, in her absence, I have to act according to her wishes.”
“She knew? Lady Charlotte knew of my identity before I did? How?”
“Sir Bayard told her after Lady Maud returned to Norfolk needing to marry.”
“I don’t understand. If they wanted the marriage annulled, why not tell Rufus?”
“Because they knew he would not agree.”
Hope leaped into her heart. “He would not want me to go.”
“Not then, but things are different now.”
“He wants rid of me now?”
A muscle flickered in Sir Harry’s jaw but his eyes remained steely with hate. “You need to leave, just as Lady Charlotte wished you to.”
“But she did not seem to want me to leave.” Kezia tried to remember what Lady Charlotte had said to her. “Indeed, she wished to protect me and my child.”
“Why would she want that? You are a nobody, who brings nothing to this family except death. You must go, just as Lady Charlotte tried to make you go before, in Yarmouth.”
“But she—”
“Enough! It’s time to face the consequences of your actions.” He took a step back. “Celestria is right. If it weren’t for you, my beloved would still be alive. The least you can do is follow Lady Charlotte’s wishes.”
Kezia swallowed the bubble of fear and panic and nodded. It was time to face her future and she knew that she’d do whatever Lady Charlotte had wished. Alive, she could have stood up to her, but dead she was more powerful. She owed Lady Charlotte’s children that much because Celestria was right, Kezia was responsible for all of this. And it was up to her to put it right.
“And what were her wishes?”
“After Lady Charlotte was informed of your true identity, she wrote this letter”—Sir Harry tapped it on his hand—“some days ago.” He opened it and began reading it out loud.
The words moved in and out of Kezia’s mind, some quickly, others staying.
He folded the letter. “Suffice to say, we have grounds for annulment as you are not who you said you were. You will leave this family immediately and allow Lord Winterton to proceed with the annulment. Allow him to marry someone deserving of the name de Vere, someone who will bring peace to this family and stability to our lands. This is what you must now do. Is that understood?”
Kezia nodded. How could she not agr
ee? She’d ruined this family’s security and hopes for the future. If she loved them, she had to leave, allow them to rebuild their lives.
There was only one thing she needed to know. “Does Rufus know of this?”
Sir Harry’s face was impassive and unreadable. “He does not. And he will not. If you love him and his family, you will leave him.”
She looked at the plain gown she’d changed into, and balled her hands into fists, trying to find the strength to acknowledge inside herself the truth, so that she could do what she needed to do.
“So… I must go. But what of my child?”
Sir Harry’s lip curled, and he walked toward the door.
Kezia bit her quivering lip, understanding his silence. “My child will be a bastard then. After the annulment, the marriage will never have existed. My child will be fatherless.”
Sir Harry stopped briefly at the door and turned to her once more.
“You must go. There’s nothing else for it. The marriage will be annulled, and Rufus will wed Lady Alice. As for you, you have a passage booked on a boat departing Yarmouth tomorrow.”
It seemed that he had no care where she went so long as she left. She licked her suddenly dry lips. “When?”
“Tomorrow’s high tide, in the late evening. The stable boy will escort you to Yarmouth at dawn tomorrow.” Something flitted across his face. “If you love Rufus, you must let him go. It’s the least you could do after…”
Sir Harry had no need to elaborate, and Kezia had no choice but to agree.
“Of course.”
Kezia opened the door for Sir Harry and listened to his footfall as he returned to the hall and the grieving daughters. The crying and the keening continued as Kezia packed her bag. She could not join the family whom she’d come to love, for she was responsible for their grief and for their continued danger.
It was dark by the time Rufus and William returned. Kezia sat in the late afternoon light in the bedchamber, listening to the activities elsewhere but unable to join them, knowing she wouldn’t be wanted. She looked through the opened shutter at the archway through the flint wall which led from the castle. The uninterrupted afternoon sunlight was dazzling, not obscured by trees and mountains, but shining bright on the castle across the flat land. She’d never thought she’d find a home, nor feel so much for someone that she’d let him go. But that was exactly what she had to do. He needed someone who could bring to the marriage more than the ability to kill a man.
And if she couldn’t have this land, this house, this man, this family, where would she go? She turned to look at the sea once more, a boat sliding easily through the calm blue waters, like a knife through melted butter. Where was it going? She no more knew its destination as her own.
The door suddenly opened and Rufus entered, filling the room with his physicality. He closed it more quietly behind them and turned to her. “So, you are with child.”
She nodded, surprised, imagining his first reaction would be one of accusation like that of his steward and his sister.
“Indeed.” She looked away, unable to meet his gaze, and fingered the hairbrush.
Rufus took it from her hands and teased out a strand of tangled hair. Then he took another and did the same. As the brush slid down the strands, stroking her near-naked back, clothed only in the finest linen on this warm evening, she shivered. She’d thought he’d come to throw her out of the castle, but instead he was stirring desire within her.
“You’re cold, wife?” His voice was low.
She swallowed and shook her head, not trusting her voice.
“Hm,” he grunted, as he continued to brush her hair. He did it more slowly now, somehow aware of the effect it was having on her. Little shivers of desire began where the bristles of the brush touched her skin through her clothes but continued down, long after the brush had been lifted to begin its magic on another strand. Soon she was racked with desire, and her breathing came out in a shudder.
The hairbrush dropped to the floor with a clatter. He swept his hands up under her carefully brushed hair, gripped it and pulled her around. His lips were on hers, and she couldn’t move. She twisted around in his arms while his mouth held hers captive. His hands ripped open her bodice and found her breasts, needy with desire. He pressed his hard shaft against her sex, and she squirmed against it, all thought forgotten, only aware of the hot and heavy desire which insisted on being sated.
He pushed up her robe as she pushed down his breeches. She jumped up and pushed herself on him. His strong arms held her as she allowed him to fill her, sliding on him, the exquisite friction of his skin against her most sensitive bud. She tilted her body to enhance the sensation and gasped, her lids fluttering as she almost teetered over the edge of desire into the abyss. But he held her firm and pushed deep inside her, again and again. With each thrust, he told her that she was his, that he was master of her, and she accepted it. With a sharp, gruff sound more akin to pain he came into her, flooding her with his seed and as he withdrew, it leaked out and down her leg.
He touched it, smoothing it around her thighs, which shook with the aftermath of explosive sensations that still sent quivers all around her body. How could she ever think of not having this man in her life? But she had to. She owed it to him.
His finger, still wet with his seed, fingered the lips of her cunt, soaked with both their juices. “I always want my seed inside you, Kezia. I want you to be always wet with me.” He nuzzled her neck. “Do you hear?”
She grunted softly and pressed her forehead against his chest before she pulled away and grabbed her chemise which had somehow landed on the floor.
“Do you hear, Kezia?” he repeated, holding her hand too tightly.
“I hear you, Rufus.”
“Then look at me. So I can see you understand in your eyes.”
She looked at him and the sudden pain in his eyes nearly undid her.
“You are not responsible for my mother’s death. You know that, don’t you?”
“It is not what your sisters believe.”
“It is grief talking.” He narrowed his eyes. “Something’s happened, hasn’t it? What’s going on, Kezia?”
She tugged her hand away. She had to do this. For him, for his family, for their future. While their lands were safe, their prosperity would only be ensured by a good marriage. And that marriage had to be with Lady Alice now, the only daughter of Sir Richard de Courcy, new owner of the castle.
Rufus had to marry Lady Alice de Courcy as arranged, as his mother had wished, as everyone wished, to secure the ongoing prosperity of them all. There was no place for her here. And all she had to do was persuade Rufus of this fact.
“What’s going on?” she repeated, pleased with how bright and brittle her voice sounded. “I’ve had enough, Rufus. Can’t you see that? Marriage to you was only ever a way for me to leave the forest.” She shrugged and risked meeting his gaze. She turned away quickly. “I’ve done that, now it’s time for me to move on, to something new.” She forced what she hoped was a smile on her face, but she couldn’t meet his gaze. “To something better.”
He stepped away, shaking his head. “What are you saying?”
“Surely you understand, Rufus? I’m saying that I’m leaving.”
“You cannot. You are my wife, and you are with child. My child. You are not going anywhere.”
“Watch me!”
There was a knock at the door and William called out. “Come, Rufus, it is time.”
“I have to go, now. William and I are needed in the hall. Others have arrived to pay their respects. It will be a long night. But as soon as I can I’ll return, and we will talk about this. But hear me, you are not going anywhere.”
Kezia heard him leave and knew that that would be the last time she ever saw him. Because, while Sir Harry might expect her to leave the following evening, she’d decide on her own departure. And it had to be as soon as light broke.
Chapter 22
Rufus, William and his s
isters spent the night in the hall, with the body of Lady Charlotte, surrounded by many of their friends and neighbors, grieving for the loss of this formidable woman.
At the first signs that the interminable night was over, Rufus stepped outside into the bailey, and drank in the fresh sea air, needing it to drive away the sadness and exhaustion which filled his veins.
William soon joined him. And Rufus was glad, because before he could go to Kezia, he had one more thing he needed to accomplish. He knew what he had to do wouldn’t be understood by his family, least of all after the death of Lady Charlotte, but he had no choice. He had to do what his heart dictated. Because he knew, now, that if he did otherwise it wouldn’t only be himself who suffered.
“How are you, brother?” asked William.
Rufus gritted his teeth, trying to prevent the pain of his mother’s death from rising, and his own guilt also. He’d forced his mother’s hand and she’d risked everything for him and his future. “Mother made a choice—us. And she died for it. And I will never forgive myself.”
William shook his head. “Mother was a hard woman, Rufus. She always did as she pleased and fighting was second nature to her. First with our father, and then against the world. You had no influence on her nature, nor her end.”
How could Rufus tell William that it was not the only thing causing him pain? Aside from his fears around Kezia, he’d also been forced to face the fears which had been his companion since he’d returned to Norfolk—his loss of freedom. “Aye. The untimely death of our mother is something we will have to endure but it is not about that I’d like to speak.”
“Then what?”
“It is of our future I wish to speak.”
William nodded. “It will be good to get back to work without the uncertainty of having our lands taken from us. We can work toward prosperity once more.”
“Before, our father lost it all. I have faith in you, William, to do this for you and our sisters.”
A faint frown lowered on William’s brow. “For us all, brother. You and I will work together for us all.”
Defending His Lady (Norfolk Knights Book 4) Page 21