“Uh-huh,” said Kimmery. “A friend was moving out and she gave me this place. I don’t even like it. I’m hardly ever here.”
“Where instead—the Zendo?”
She nodded. “Or the movies.”
I wasn’t ticcing much, for a couple of reasons. The first was Kimmery herself, still an unprecedented balm to me this late in the day. The second was the day itself, the serial tumult of unsorted clues, the catastrophe of my visit to the Zendo; that extra track in my brain had plenty of work to do threading beads together, smoothing the sequence into order: Kimmery, doormen, Matricardi and Rockaforte, Tony and Seminole, Important Monks, Gerard Minna and the killer. Minna’s killer.
“Did you lock your door?” I said.
“You’re really afraid,” said Kimmery, widening her eyes. “Of the, uh, giant.”
“You didn’t see him?” I said. “The big guy who took me outside?” I didn’t mention what happened next. It was shameful enough that Kimmery had had to mop it up.
“He’s a giant?”
“Well, what do you call it?”
“Isn’t gigantism a genetic condition?”
“I’d say it is. He didn’t earn that height.” I touched the delicate spot on my head with one hand, kept the other calm at my side, ignoring every impulse to return the cat’s pulsing and pawing at my legs. Instead I fingered the homely, hand-stitched coverlet on Kimmery’s mattress, traced its inelegant, lumpy seams.
“I guess I didn’t notice,” she said. “I was, you know—sitting.”
“You’ve never seen him before?”
She shook her head. “But I never met you before today either. I guess I should have told you not to bring anyone like that to the Zendo. And not to make noise. Now I missed practically the whole lecture.”
“You’re not saying the lecture went on?”
“Sure, why not? After you and your friend the giant were gone.”
“Why didn’t you stay?”
“Because my concentration isn’t that good,” she said, bitterly philosophical now. “If you’re really Zen you sit right through distractions, like Roshi did. And Wallace.” She rolled her eyes.
I was tempted to remind her that she’d moved to avoid being trampled, but it was just one objection among thousands.
“You don’t understand,” I said. “I didn’t bring him to the Zendo. Nobody knew I was coming there.”
“Well, I guess he followed you.” She shrugged, not wanting to argue. To her it was self-evident that the giant and I were dual phenomena. I’d caused his presence at the Zendo, was likely responsible for his very existence.
“Listen,” id. 01C;I know Roshi’s American name. He’s not who you think he is.”
“I don’t think he’s anyone.”
“What do you mean?”
“I didn’t say, like, Roshi’s really Johnny Carson or something. I just said I didn’t know.”
“Okay, but he’s not a Zen teacher. He’s involved in a murder.”
“That’s silly.” She made it sound like a virtue, as though I’d meant to entertain her. “Besides, anyone who teaches Zen is a Zen teacher, I think. Probably even if they were a murderer. Just like anyone who sits is a student. Even you.”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing’s wrong with you, at least according to a Zen outlook. That’s my whole point.”
“Taken.”
“Don’t be so sour, Lionel. I’m only joking. You sure you’re happy with that cat?”
“Doesn’t it have a name?” Feline Hitler had settled ponderously between my thighs, was purring in broken measures, and had begun to feature tiny bubbles of drool at the corners of its mouth.
“Shelf, but I never call him that.”
“Shelf?”
“I know, it’s completely stupid. I didn’t name him. I’m just catsitting.”
“So this isn’t your apartment and this isn’t your cat.”
“It’s sort of a period of crisis for me.” She reached for her glass of water, and I immediately reached for mine, grateful: The mirroring scratched a tiny mental itch. Anyway, I was thirsty. Shelf didn’t budge. “That’s why I got involved with Zen,” Kimmery went on. “For more detachment.”
“You mean like no apartment and no cat? How detached can you get?” My voice was irrationally bitter. Disappointment had crept over me, impossible to justify or perfectly define. I suppose I’d imagined us sheltered in Kimmery’s childlike foyer, her West Side tree house, three cats hiding. But now I understood that she was rootless, alienated in this space. The Oreo Man’s house was her home, or possibly the Zendo, just as L&L was mine, just as Shelf’s was elsewhere, too. None of us could go to those places, so we huddled here together, avoiding the big room and the forest of skyscrapers.
Now, before Kimmery could reply, I ticced loudly, “Detach-me-not!” I tried to block myself, interrupt my own ticcing with the glass of water, which I moved to my lips just in time to shout into the glass, fevering the surface of the water with my breath, “Go-shelf-a-lot!”
“Wow,” said Kimmery.
I didn’t speak. I gulped down water and fondled the stitching of her coverlet again, seeking to lose my Tourette’s self in texture. “You say really weird stuff when you get angry,” she said.
“I’m not—” I turned my neck, put the glass of water down on the floor. This time I jostled Shelf, who looked up at me with jaded eyes. “I’m not angry.”
“What’s wrong with you, then?” The question was delivered evenly, without sarcasm or fear, as though she really wanted an answer. Her eyes no longer looked small to me without the black frames around them. They felt as round and inquisitive as the cat’s.
“Nothing—at least from a Zen outlook. I just shout sometimes. And touch things. And count things. And think about them too much.”
“I’ve heard of that, I think.”
“You’re the exception to the rule if you have.”
She reached into my lap and patted Shelf’s head, distracting the cat from its interrogative gaze. Instead it squeezed its eyes together and craned its neck to press back against her palm. I’d have craned as far.
“Don’t you want to know Roshi’s real name?” I said. “Why should I?”
“What?”
“Unless you’re really going to shock me and say he’s, like, J. D. Salinger, what’s the difference? I mean, it’s just going to be Bob or Ed or something, right?”
“Gerard Minna,” I said. I wanted it to mean as much to her as Salinger, wanted her to understand everything. “He’s Frank Minna’s brother.”
“Okay, but who’s Frank Minna?”
“He’s the guy who got killed.” Strangely, I had a name for him now, a name flat and terrible and true: the guy who got killed. When before I could never have answered that question, or if I started answering it I’d never have finished. Frank Minna is the secret king of Court Street. Frank Minna is a mover and a talker, a word and a gesture, a detective and a fool. Frank Minna c’est moi.
“Oh, that’s terrible.”
“Yes.” I wondered if I could ever share with her how terrible it was. “I mean, that’s got to be one of the worst things I’ve ever heard, practically.”
Kimmery leaned closer, comforting the cat, not me. But I felt comforted. She and I were drawn close within her dawning understanding. Perhaps this foyer had only waited for this moment, for me and my story, to become a real space instead of a provisional one. Here Minna would be properly mourned. Here I’d find surcease for my pain and the answer to the puzzle of Tony and The Clients and why Minna and Ullman had to die and where Jua was and who Bailey was, and here Kimmery’s hand would move from Shelf’s head to my thigh and I would never tic again.
“He sent his brother out to die,” I said. “He set him up. I heard it happen. I just don’t know why yet.”
“I don’t understand. How did you hear?”
“Frank Minna was wearing a bug when he went into the Zendo. I heard him and Gerard talking. Yo
u were there too, in the building.” I recalled revising my surveillance note, trying to decide whether to declare Kimmery girl or woman, and my writing hand twitched, reenacting my crossing-out across the soft threads of her coverlet.
“When?”
“Yesterday,” I said, though it seemed a long time ago now.
“Well, that’s impossible. It must have been someone else.”
“Tell me why.”
“Roshi is under a vow of silence.” She whispered, as if she were breaking such a vow at this moment. “He hasn’t said a word for the last five days. So you couldn’t have heard him talk.”
I was tongue-tied for once. It was the logic of the Oreo Man, invading my moral puzzle. Or another Zen conundrum: What’s the sound of a silent monk condemning his brother to death?
The quieter the monk, the gaudier the patter I thought, remembering the conversation on the wiretap.
“I can’t believe you go around bugging people,” she said, still whispering. Perhaps she imagined there was a bug in the room now. “Were you trying to frame this Frank person?”
“No, no, no. Frank wanted me to listen.”
“He wanted to be caught?”
“He didn’t do anything,” I said. “Except get bumped off by his brother, the silent monk.”
Though she regarded me skeptically, Kimmery went on rubbing the cat’s neck and head while it nestled in my lap. I had more than the usual panicky reasons to ignore the captivating sensations, the fricative purring and chafing down there. I was suppressing two different kinds of response, two possible ways of poking back. I kept my eyes level on Kimmery’s face.
“I think you’ve got a few things mixed up,” she said gently. “Roshi’s a very gentle man.”
“Well, Gerard Minna’s a punk from Brooklyn,” I said. “And they’re positively the same guy.”
“Hmmm. I don’t know, Lionel. Roshi once told me he’d never been to Brooklyn. He’s from Vermont or Canada or something.”
“Maine?” I asked, thinking of t pamphlet I’d secreted in my jacket, the retreat center by the water.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. You should take my word for it, though, he isn’t from Brooklyn. He’s a very important man.” She made it sound as if the two were mutually exclusive.
“Eat me Brooklyn Roshi!”
I was ticcing out of sheer frustration. In squaring her perceptions to mine I not only had a world of knowledge to build up but a preexisting one to tear down. Anyone faintly Zen was to her beyond reproach. And Gerard Minna, for the cheap act of shaving his likely-already-balding head, was secure in a pantheon of the holy.
And Gerard had a lot of damn gall to renounce the borough.
“Lionel?”
I grabbed for my glass, took another sip of water, averted my eyes from Kimmery’s.
“How does it feel when you do that?” she said. “I mean, what are you thinking?”
She was close enough now, and I succumbed completely and reached for her shoulder, tapped it five times quickly with paired fingertips. Then I moved my water glass to the floor and leaned forward, forcing Shelf to make another bleary, pleasure-addled adjustment to his position in my lap, and straightened Kimmery’s collar with both hands. The material was floppy, and I tried to prop it up as if it were starched, put the collar-tips on point like a ballerina’s toes. And my brain went, How are you feeling and how are you thinking and think how you’re feeling, and that became the chorus, the soundtrack to my adamant necessary collar-play.
“Lionel?” She didn’t push my hands away.
“Liable,” I said softly, my gaze lowered. “Think-a-mum Feely.”
“What do the words mean?”
“They’re just words. They don’t mean anything.” The question depressed me a little, took the wind out of my sails, and this was a good thing: I was able to release her collar, still my wriggling fingers.
Kimmery touched one hand, just briefly, as I withdrew it. I was numb to her now, though. She no longer soothed my tics, and the attention she’d begun to give them was humiliating. I needed to get this interview back on an official basis. Sitting here purring and being purred at wasn’t going to accomplish anything. In the city on the other side of the door a giant killer lurched around unafraid, and it was my job to find him.
“What do you know about ten-thirty Park Avenue?” I said, resuming my investigation, the legitimate inquiry.
“Is that that big apartment building?” Her hand was back riffling Shelf’s fur, her body ever closer to mine.
“Big building,” I said. “Yes.”
“A lot of Roshi’s students do theork service there,” she said lightly. “Working in the kitchen, cleaning up, that kind of thing. I was telling you about it, remember?”
“Doormen? Any—doormen?” My syndrome wanted to call them dogshirts, doorsnips, diphthongs. I gritted my teeth.
She shrugged. “I think so. I never went there myself. Lionel?”
“Yes?”
“You didn’t really come to the Zendo because you were interested in Buddhism, did you?”
“I guess I thought that was obvious by now.”
“It is obvious.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I was narrowed to a fine point, thinking only of Frank and Gerard and the places I might have to go to finish my investigation. I’d shuttered myself against Kimmery’s tenderness toward me, even shuttered away my own tenderness toward her. She was an incompetent witness, beyond that a distraction. And I was an investigator who supplied plenty of my own distractions, too many.
“You came to make trouble,” she said.
“I came because of trouble, yes.”
Kimmery rubbed the fur of Shelf’s flank in the wrong direction, aggravating my senses. I put my hand on the cat for the first time, nudged Kimmery’s fingers away from the chaos of up-sticking fur she’d caused, and smoothed the fur back into place.
“Well, I’m glad I met you anyway,” she said.
I made a sound, half dog, half cat, something like “Chaarff.”
Our hands collided in Shelf’s fur, Kimmery’s moving to rough up the area I’d just smoothed into sense, mine preemptively slipping underneath to preserve my work. It took a big indifferent loaf of a cat like Shelf to withstand it; Hen would have been across the room reordering herself with her own tongue by now.
“You’re strange to me,” said Kimmery.
“Don’t feel bad about it,” I said.
“No, but I mean strange in a good way, too.”
“Uh.” She was tugging on my fingers, and I tugged systematically back, so our hands were tangling, squirming, the cat a benign mattress underneath, one vibrating like a cheap hotel’s.
“You can say whatever you want,” Kimmery whispered.
“What do you mean?”
“The words.”
“I don’t really need to when you’re touching my hand like that.”
“I like to.”0em”>iv height=”0em”>
“Touch?” Touch shoulders, touch penguins, touch Kimmery—who didn’t like to touch? Why shouldn’t she? But this vaguest of questions was all I could manage. I wasn’t only strange to her, I was strange to myself at that moment: tugging, lulled, resistant. Conworried.
“Yes,” she said. “You. Here—”
She groped at the wall behind her head and switched off the light. We were still outlined in white, Manhattan’s radiation leaking in from the big room. Then she moved closer: It was a minute after twelve. Somewhere as she fit herself in beside me the cat was jostled loose and wandered ungrudgingly away.
“That’s better,” I said lamely, like I was reading from a script. The distance between us had narrowed, but the distance between me and me was enormous. I blinked in the half-light, looking straight ahead. Now her hand was on my thigh where the cat had been. Mirroring, I let my fingers play lightly at the parallel spot on her leg.
“Yes,” she said.
“I can’t seem to interest you fully in my case,” I
said.
“Oh, I’m interested,” she said. “It’s just—It’s hard to talk about things that are important to you. With a new person. Everyone is so strange, don’t you think?”
“I think you’re right.”
“So you have to trust them at first. Because everything makes sense after a while.”
“So that’s what you’re doing with me?”
She nodded, then leaned her head against my shoulder. “But you’re not asking me anything about myself.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, surprised. “I guess—I guess I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, so you see what I mean, then.”
“Yes.”
I didn’t have to turn her face to mine to kiss her. It was already there when I turned. Her lips were small and soft and a little chapped. I’d never before kissed a woman without having had a few drinks. And I’d never kissed a woman who hadn’t had a few herself. While I tasted her Kimmery drew circles on my leg with her finger, and I did the same back.
“You do everything I do,” she whispered into my mouth.
“I don’t really need to,” I said again. “Not if we’re this close.” It was the truth. I was never less ticcish than this: aroused, pressing toward another’s body, moving out of my own. But just as Kimmery had somehow spared me ticcing aloud in conversation, now I felt free to incorporate an element of Tourette’s into our groping, as though she were negotiating a new understanding between my two disgruntled brains.
“It’s okay,” she said. “You need a shave, though.”
We kissed then, so I couldn’t reply, didn’t want to. I felt her press her thumb very gently against the point of my Adam’s apple, a touch I couldn’t exactly return. I stroked her ear and jaw instead, urging her nearer. Then her hand fell lower, and mine too, and at that moment I felt my hand and mind lose their particularity, their pointiness, their countingness, instead become clouds of general awareness, dreamy and yielding with curiosity. My hand felt less a hand than a catcher’s mitt, or Mickey Mouse’s hand, something vast and blunt and soft. I didn’t count her where I touched her. I conducted a general survey, took a tender sampling.
“You’re excited,” she breathed.
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