The key to Melissa's anger was her fear of losing self-esteem. Although Howard had indeed acted in a genuinely negative manner, it was the meaning she attached to the experience that caused her sense of grief and rage. She assumed that as a "good wife" she was entitled to a "good marriage." This is the logic that got her into emotional trouble: Premise: If I am a good and adequate wife, my husband is bound to love me and be faithful to me.
Observation: My husband is not acting in a loving, faithful way.
Conclusion: Therefore, either I am not a good and adequate wife, or else Howard is a bad, immoral person because he is breaking my "rule."
Thus, Melissa's anger represented a feeble attempt to save the day because within her system of assumptions, this was actually the only alternative to suffering a loss of self-esteem.
The only problems with her solution were (a) she wasn't really convinced he was "no good"; (b) she didn't really want to write him off since she loved him; and (c) her chronic sour anger didn't feel good, it didn't look good, and it drove him farther away.
Her premise that he would love her as long as she was good was a fairy tale she had never thought to question. The empathy method transformed her thinking in a highly beneficial way by allowing her to relinquish the grandiosity inherent in her premise. His misbehavior was caused by his distorted cognitions, not her inadequacy. Thus, he was responsible for the jam he was in, not she!
This sudden insight struck her like a lightning bolt. The moment she saw the world through his eyes, her anger van-170
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ished. She became a much smaller person in the sense that she no longer saw herself as responsible for the actions of her husband and the people around her. But at the same time she experienced a sudden increase in self-esteem.
In the next session I decided to put her new insight to the acid test. I confronted her with the negative thoughts that had originally upset her to see if she could answer them effectively:
DAVID: Howard could have stopped seeing her sooner. He made a fool out of you.
MELISSA: No—he couldn't stop because he was trapped.
He felt a tremendous obsession, and he was attracted to Ann.
DAVID: But then he should've gone off with her and broken up with you so he could stop torturing you. That would've been the only decent thing to do!
MELISSA: He felt he couldn't break off with me either because he loved me and was committed to me and to our children.
DAVID: But that was unfair, to keep you dangling so long.
MELISSA: He didn't mean to be unfair. It just happened.
DAVID: It just happened! What Pollyanna nonsense! The fact is, he shouldn't have gotten into such a situation in the first place.
MELISSA: But that's where he was at. Ann represented excitement, and he felt bored and overwhelmed by life at the time. Eventually one day he just couldn't resist her flirting any more. He took one small step over the line in a moment of weakness, and then the affair was off and running.
DAVID: Well, you are less of a person because he wasn't faithful to you. This makes you inferior.
MELISSA: It has nothing to do with being less of a person. I don't have to get what I want all the time to be worthwhile.
DAVID: But he never would have sought excitement else-where if you were an adequate wife. You're undesirable and unlovable. You're second-rate, and that's why your husband had an affair.
MELISSA: The fact is, he ultimately chose me over Ann, 171
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but that doesn't make me any better than Ann, does it?
Similarly, the fact that he chose to deal with his problems by escaping doesn't mean that I'm unlovable or less desirable.
I could see that Melissa was clearly unruffled by my vigorous attempts to get her goat, and this proved she had transcended this painful period of her life. She traded in her anger for joy and self-esteem. Empathy was the key that freed her from being trapped in hostility, self-doubt, and despair.
Putting It All Together: Cognitive Rehearsal. When you get angry, you may feel you react too rapidly to be able to sit down and assess the situation objectively and apply the various techniques described in this chapter. This is one of the characteristics of anger. Unlike depression, which tends to be steady and chronic, anger is much more eruptive and episodic. By the time you are aware you are upset you may already feel out of control.
"Cognitive rehearsal" is an effective method for solving this problem and for synthesizing and using the tools you have learned thus far. This technique will help you learn to overcome your anger ahead of time without actually experiencing the situation. Then when the real thing happens, you'll be prepared to handle it.
Begin by listing an "anger hierarchy" of the situations that most commonly trigger you off and rank these from +1 (the least upsetting) to +10 (the most infuriating), as shown in Figure 7-7. The provocations should be ones that you'd like to handle more effectively because your anger is maladaptive and undesirable.
Start with the first item on the hierarchy list that is the least upsetting to you, and fantasize as vividly as you can that you are in that situation. Then verbalize your "hot thoughts"
and write them down. In the example given in Figure 7-7, you're feeling annoyed because you're telling yourself, "The goddamn mother—ing waiters don't know what the —
they're doing! Why don't the lazy bastards get off their butts and move? Who the hell do they think they are? Am I supposed to starve to death before they'll give me a menu and a glass of water?"
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Figure 7-7. The Anger Hierarchy.
+I -I sit in a restaurant for fifteen minutes, and the waiter doesn't come.
+2-I call a friend who doesn't return the call.
+3-A client cancels an appointment at the last minute without explanation.
+4-A client fails to show up for an appointment without informing me.
+5-Someone criticizes me nastily.
+6-An obnoxious group of juveniles crowd in front of me in line at a theater.
+7-I read in the paper about senseless violence, such as rape.
+8-A customer refuses to pay a bill for goods I've delivered and skips town so that I can't collect.
+9-Local delinquents repeatedly knock down my mailbox in the middle of the night over a several-month period. There's nothing I can do to catch them or stop them.
+10-I see a television report that someone—presumably a group of teenagers—have broken into the zoo at night, and stoned a number of small birds and animals to death and mutilated others.
Next fantasize flying off the handle, telling off the maitre d', and storming out and slamming the restaurant door. Now record how upset you feel between 0 and 100 percent.
Then go through the same mental scenario, but substitute more appropriate "cool thoughts" and fantasize that you feel relaxed and unperturbed; imagine that you handle the situation tactfully, assertively, and effectively. For example, you might tell yourself, "The waiters don't seem to be noticing me. Perhaps they're busy and overlooked the fact that I haven't gotten a menu yet. No point in getting hot under the collar about this."
Then instruct yourself to approach the headwaiter and explain the situation assertively, following these principles: Point out tactfully that you've been waiting; if he explains they are busy, disarm him by agreeing with him; compliment him on the good business they are doing; and repeat your request for better service in a firm but friendly way. Finally, 173
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imagine that he responds by sending a waiter who apologizes and gives you top-notch VIP service. You feel good and enjoy the meal.
Now practice going through this version of the scenario each night until you have mastered it and can fantasize handling the situation effectively and calmly in this manner. This cognitive rehearsal will enable you to program yourself to respond in a more assertive and relaxed way when the actual situation confronts
you again.
You might have one objection to this procedure: You may feel it is unrealistic to fantasize a positive outcome in the restaurant since there is no guarantee the staff will in reality respond in a friendly way and give you what you want. The answer to this objection is simple. There's no guarantee they'll respond abrasively either, but if you expect a negative response, you'll enhance the probability of getting one because your anger will have an enormous capacity to act as a self-fulfilling prophecy. In contrast, if you expect and fantasize a positive outcome and apply an upbeat approach, it will be much more likely to occur.
You can, of course, also prepare for a negative outcome in a similar way, using the cognitive rehearsal method.
Imagine you do approach the waiter, and he acts snotty and superior and gives you poor service. Now record your hot thoughts, then substitute cool thoughts and develop a new coping strategy as you did before.
You can continue to work your way up your hierarchy list in this way until you have learned to think, feel, and act more peacefully and effectively in the majority of the provocative situations you encounter. Your approach to these situations will have to be flexible, and different coping techniques may be required for the different types of provocations listed.
Empathy might be the answer in one situation; verbal assertiveness could be the key to another, and changing your expectations might be the most useful approach to a third.
It will be crucial not to evaluate your progress in your anger-reduction program in an all-or-nothing way because emotional growth takes some time, especially when it comes to anger. If you ordinarily react to a particular provocation with 99 percent anger and then find you become 70 percent upset next time, you could view this as a successful first try. Now 174
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keep working at it, using your cognitive rehearsal method, and see if you can reduce it to 50 percent and then to 30
percent. Eventually you will make it vanish altogether, or at least you will have brought it down to an acceptable, irreduc-ible minimum.
Remember that the wisdom of friends and associates can be a potential gold mine you can utilize when you're stuck.
They may see clearly in any area where you have a blind spot. Ask them how they think and behave in a particular situation that makes you feel frustrated, helpless, and enraged.
What would they tell themselves? What would they actually do? You can learn a surprising amount rapidly if you are willing to ask.
Ten Things You Should Know
About Your Anger
1. The events of this world don't make you angry. Your "
hot thoughts" create your anger. Even when a genuinely negative event occurs, it is the meaning you attach to it that determines your emotional response.
The idea that you are responsible for your anger is ultimately to your advantage because it gives you the opportunity to achieve control and make a free choice about how you want to feel. If it weren't for this, you would be helpless to control your emotions; they would be irreversibly bound up with every external event of this world, most of which are ultimately out of your control.
2. Most of the time your anger will not help you. It will immobilize you, and you will become frozen in your hostility to no productive purpose. You will feel better if you place your emphasis on the active search for creative solutions.
What can you do to correct the difficulty or at least reduce the chance that you'll get burned in the same way in the future? This attitude will eliminate to a certain extent the helplessness and frustration that eat you up when you feel you can't deal with a situation effectively.
If no solution is possible because the provocation is totally beyond your control, you will only make yourself miserable with your resentment, so why not get rid of it? It's difficult if 175
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not impossible to feel anger and joy simultaneously. If you think your angry feelings are especially precious and important, then think about one of the happiest moments of your life. Now ask yourself, How many minutes of that period of peace or jubilation would I be willing to trade in for feeling frustration and irritation instead?
3. The thoughts that generate anger more often than not will contain distortions. Correcting these distortions will reduce your anger.
4. Ultimately your anger is caused by your belief that someone is acting unfairly or some event is unjust. The intensity of the anger will increase in proportion to the severity of the maliciousness perceived and if the act is seen as intentional.
5. If you learn to see the world through other people's eyes, you will often be surprised to realize their actions are not unfair from their point of view. The unfairness in these, cases turns out to be an illusion that exists only in your mind?
If you are willing to let go of the unrealistic notion that your concepts of truth, justice, and fairness are shared by everyone, much of your resentment and frustration will vanish.
6. Other people usually do not feel they deserve your punishment. Therefore, your retaliation is unlikely to help you achieve any positive goals in your interactions with them.
Your rage will often just cause further deterioration and polarization, and will function as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if you temporarily get what you want, any short-term gains from such hostile manipulation will often be more than coun-terbalanced by a long-term resentment and retaliation from the people you are coercing. No one likes to be controlled or forced. This is why a positive reward system works better.
7. A great deal of your anger involves your defense against loss of self-esteem when people criticize you, disagree with you, or fail to behave as you want them to. Such anger is always inappropriate because only your own negative distorted thoughts can cause you to lose self-esteem. When you blame the other guy for your feelings of worthlessness, you are always fooling yourself.
8. Frustration results from unmet expectations. Since the event that disappointed you was a part of "reality," it was "
realistic." Thus, your frustration always results from your 176
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unrealistic expectation. You have the right to try to influence reality to bring it more in line with your expectations, but this is not always practical, especially when these expectations represent ideals that don't correspond to everyone else's concept of human nature. The simplest solution would be to change your expectations. For example, some unrealistic expectations that lead to frustration include:
a. If I want something (love, happiness, a promotion, etc.), I deserve it.
b. If I work hard at something, I should be successful.
c. Other people should try to measure up to my standards and believe in my concept of "fairness."
d. I should be able to solve any problems quickly and easily.
e. If I'm a good wife, my husband is bound to love me.
f. People should think and act the way I do.
g. If I'm nice to someone, they should reciprocate.
9. It is just childish pouting to insist you have the right to be angry. Of course you do! Anger is legally permitted in the United States. The crucial issue is—is it to your advantage to feel angry? Will you or the world really benefit from your rage?
10. You rarely need your anger in order to be human. It is not true that you will be an unfeeling robot without it. In fact, when you rid yourself of that sour irritability, you will feel greater zest, joy, peace, and productivity. You will experience liberation and enlightenment.
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CHAPTER 8
Ways of Defeating Guilt
No book on depression would be complete without a chapter on guilt. What is the function of guilt? Writers, spirtual leaders, psychologists, and philosophers have grappled forever with this question. What is the basis of guilt? Does it evolve from the concept of "original sin"? Or from Oedipal incestuous fantasies and the other taboos that Freud postulated? Is it a realistic and helpful component of human experience? Or is it a
"useless emotion" that mankind would be better off without, as suggested by some recent pop psychology writers?
When the mathematics of calculus was developed, scientists found they could readily solve complex problems of motion and acceleration that were extremely difficult to handle using older methods. The cognitive theory has similarly provided us with a kind of "emotional calculus" that makes certain thorny philosophical and psychological questions much easier to resolve.
Let's see what we can learn from a cognitive approach.
Guilt is the emotion you will experience when you have the following thoughts:
1. I have done something I shouldn't have (or I have failed to do something that I should have) because my actions fall short of my moral standards and violate my concept of fairness.
2. This "bad behavior" shows that I am a bad person (or that I have an evil streak, or a tainted character, or a rotten core, etc.).
This concept of the "badness" of self is central to guilt. In its absence, your hurtful action might lead to a healthy feeling of remorse but not guilt. Remorse stems from the un-178
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distorted awareness that you have willfully and unnecessarily acted in a hurtful manner toward yourself or another person that violates your personal ethical standards. Remorse differs from guilt because there is no implication your transgression indicates you are inherently bad, evil, or immoral. To put it in a nutshell, remorse or regret are aimed at behavior, whereas guilt is targeted toward the "self."
If in addition to your guilt you feel depression, shame, or anxiety, you are probably making one of the following assumptions:
1. Because of my "bad behavior," I am inferior or worthless (this interpretation leads to depression).
2. If others found out what I did, they would look down on me (this cognition leads to shame).
3. I'm in danger of retaliation or punishment (this thought provokes anxiety).
The simplest way to assess whether the feelings created by such thoughts are useful or destructive is to determine if they contain any of the ten cognitive distortions described in Chapter 3. To the extent that these thinking errors are present, your guilt, anxiety, depression, or shame certainly cannot be valid or realistic. I suspect you will find that a great many of your negative feelings are in fact based on such thinking errors.
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