Another simple but effective way to rid yourself of should statements involves substituting other words for "should,"
using the double-column technique. The terms "It would be nice if' or "I wish I could" work well, and often sound more realistic and less upsetting. For example, instead of saying, "I should be able to make my wife happy," you could substitute
"It would be nice if I could make my wife happy now because she seems upset. I can ask what she's upset about and see if there might be a way I could help." Or instead of "I shouldn't have eaten the ice cream," you can say, "It would 187
Figure 8-2.
Situation
Emotions Guilt-provoking Thoughts
Cognitive Distortions
Rational Responses
Outcome
My mother is Extreme
1. Gee, Mom walked all
1. Personalization;
1. I feel bad for Mom— Substantial
very tired and
guilt;
over New York with me•
mental filter;
but the train ride is relief
due to her lack frustration;
today, and now she can't
should statement.
only 11/2 hours. I
of understand- anger;
even get a drink because
thought I explained
ing of the train self-pity
I really didn't e.tplain
everything. I guess we
schedule, we
the schedule properly. I
all make mistakes
take a train
should have explained
sometimes.
without corn-
that "no food" did not
,-..
co forts.
mean snacks.
co
2. Emotional
2. I am more upset than
2. Now I feel terrible—I'm
reasoning.
Mom. What's done is
so selfish.
done—don't cry over
spilt milk.
3. Why do I always foul up
3. 0 vergeneralization;
3. I don't foul up every-
everything?
personalization.
thing. It's not my fault
she misunderstood.
4. She's so good to me, and I'
4. Labeling; all-or-
4. One incident does not
m a louse.
nothing thinking.
make a louse.
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Figure 8-3. The advantages and disadvantages of believing "I should be able to make my wife happy all the time."
Advantages
Disadvantages
1. When she is happy, I will feel I'm 1. When she's unhappy, I'll feel doing what I'm supposed to.
guilty and I'll blame myself.
2. I'll work very hard to be a good 2. She'll be able to manipulate me h u s b a n d . w i t h m y g u i l t . A n y t i m e s h e w a n t s her way she can act unhappy,
and then I'll feel so bad I'll have
to back down.
3. Since she is unhappy a good bit of the time, I'll often feel like a failure. Since her unhappiness
often has nothing to do with me,
this will be a waste of energy.
4. I'll end up feeling resentful that I'm paradoxically giving her so much power over my moods!
have been better if I hadn't eaten the ice cream, but it's not the end of the world that I did."
Another anti-should method involves showing yourself that a should statement doesn't fit reality. For example, when you say, "I shouldn't have done X," you assume (1) it is a fact that you shouldn't have, and (2) it is going to help you to say this. The "reality method" reveals—to your surprise—that the truth is usually just the opposite: (1) In point of fact, you should have done what you did; and (b) it is going to hurt you to say you shouldn't have.
Incredulous? Let me demonstrate. Assume you've been trying to diet and you ate some ice cream. So you have the thought, "I shouldn't have eaten this ice cream." In our dialogue I want you to argue that it's really true that you shouldn't have eaten the ice cream, and I will try to put the lie to your arguments. The following is modeled after an as conversation, which I hope you find as delightful and helpful as I did:
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David D. Burns, M.D.
DAVID: I understand you're on a diet, and you ate some ice cream. I believe you should have eaten the ice cream.
YoU: Oh, no. That's impossible. I shouldn't have eaten it because I'm on a diet. You see, I'm trying to lose weight.
DAVID: Well, I believe you should have eaten the ice cream.
YOU: Burns, are you dense? I shouldn't have because I'm trying to lose weight. That's what I'm trying to tell you.
How can I lose weight if I'm eating ice cream?
DAVID: But in point of fact you did eat it.
YOU: Yeah. That's the problem. I shouldn't have done that. Now do you see the light?
DAVID: And apparently you're claiming that "things should have been different" than they were. But things were the way they were. And things usually are the way they are for a good reason. Why do you think you did what you did? What's the reason you ate the ice cream?
YoU: Well, I was upset and I was nervous and I'm basically a pig.
DAVID: Okay, you were upset and you were nervous. Have you had a pattern in your life of eating when you've been upset and nervous?
YOU: Yeah. Right. I've never had any self-control.
DAVID: So, wouldn't it be natural to expect then that last week when you were nervous you would do what you have habitually done?
YOU: Yeah.
DAVID: So, wouldn't it be sensible therefore to conclude that you should have done that because you had a very long-standing habit of doing it?
YOU: I feel like you're telling me that I should just keep eating ice cream and end up like a fat pig or something.
DAVID: Most of my clients aren't as difficult as your At any rate, I'm not telling you to act like a pig, and I'm not recommending you continue this bad habit of eating when you're upset. What I'm saying is that you're giving yourself two problems for the price of one. One is that you did in fact break your diet. If you're going to lose weight, this will slow you down. And the second problem 190
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is that you're being hard on yourself about having done that. The second headache you don't need.
YOU: So you're saying that because I have a habit of eating when I'm nervous it's predictable that until I learn some methods for changing the habit, I'll continue to do it.
DAVID: I wish I'd said it that well myself!
You: Therefore, I should have eaten the ice cream because I haven't changed the habit yet. As long as the habit continues, I will and should keep overeating when I'm nervous. I see what you mean. I feel a whole lot better, doctor, except for one thing. How can I learn to stop doing this? How can I develop some strategies for modifying my behavior in a more productive way?
DAVID: You can motivate yourself with a whip or a carrot.
When you tell yourself, "I should do this" or "I shouldn't do that" all day long, you get bogged down with a shouldy approach to life. And you already know what you end up with—emotional constipation. If you'd rather get things moving instead, I suggest you try to motivate yourself through rewards rather than punishment. You might find that these work more effectively.
In my case I used the "Dots and doughnuts" diet. Mason Dots (a gum candy) and glazed doughnuts are two of my favorite sweets. I found that the most difficult time to control my eating was in the evening when I was studying or watching TV. I'd have an urge to eat ice cream. So, I told myself that if I controlled this urge, I could reward myself with a big, fresh, glazed doughnut in the morning and a box of Mason Dots in the evening. Then I'd concentrate on how good they'd taste, and this helped me forget the ice cream.
Inc
identally, I also had the rule that if I did goof up and eat the ice cream, I could still have the Dots and the doughnut as a reward for trying or as a commiseration for slipping back. Either way it helped me, and I lost over fifty pounds this way.
I also made up the following syllogism:
(A) Human beings on diets goof up from time to time.
(B) I'm a human being.
(C) Therefore, I should goof up from time to time.
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David D. Burns, M.D.
This helped me greatly too, and it enabled me to binge on weekends and feel good about it. I usually lost more during the week than I gained on weekends; so, overall I lost weight and enjoyed myself. Every time I goofed up in my diet I didn't allow myself to criticize the lapse or feel guilty. I began to think about it as the "Binge-on-whatever-you-want-whenever-you-want-to-without-guilt-and-enjoy-it diet," and it was so much fun it was a mild disappointment when I finally achieved my aimed-for weight. I actually lost over ten more pounds at that point because the diet was so enjoyable. I believe that the proper attitude and feelings are the key. With them you can move mountains—even mountains of flesh.
The major thing that holds you back when you're trying to change a bad habit like eating, smoking, or drinking too much is your belief you are out of control. The cause of this lack of control is those should statements. They defeat you.
Suppose, for example, you are trying to avoid eating ice cream. There you are watching TV, saying, "Oh, I really should study and I shouldn't eat any ice cream." Now ask yourself, "How do I feel when I say these things to myself?
" I think you know the answer: You feel guilty and nervous.
Then what do you do? You go and eat! That is the point.
The reason you're eating is that you're telling yourself you shouldn't! Then you try to bury your guilt and anxiety under more piles of food.
Another simple should removal technique involves your wrist counter. Once you become convinced that the shoulds are not to your advantage, you can count them. Every time you make a should statement, click the counter. If you do this, be sure to set up a reward system based on the daily total. The more shoulds you spot this way, the greater the reward you deserve. Over a period of several weeks, your daily total of should statements will begin to go down, and you'll notice you're feeling less guilty.
Another should removal technique zeroes in on the fact that you don't really trust yourself. You may believe that without all these should statements you would just turn wild and go on a rampage of destruction or murder, or even ice-cream eating. A way to evaluate this is to ask yourself if there was any period in your life when you were particularly happy and felt reasonably fulfilled, productive, and under control.
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Think it over for a moment before you read on, and make sure you have a mental picture of this time. Now ask yourself, "During that period in my life, was I whipping myself with a lot of should statements?" I believe your answer will be no. Now tell me—were you doing all these wild, terrible things then? I think you'll realize you were "should-free" and under control. This is proof that you can lead a productive, happy life without all those shoulds.
You can test this hypothesis with an experiment in the next couple of weeks. Try reducing your should statements using these various techniques, and then see what happens to your mood and self-control. I think you'll be pleased.
Another method that you can fall back on is the obsessional-filibuster technique described in Chapter 4. Schedule two minutes three times a day to recite all your should statements and self-persecutions out loud: "I should have gone to the market before it closed," and "I shouldn't have picked my nose at the country club," and "I'm such a rotten bum," etc.
Just rattle off all the most abusive self-criticisms you can think of. It might be especially helpful to write them down or dictate them into a tape recorder. Then read them later out loud, or listen to the tape I think this will help you see how ludicrous these statements are. Try to limit your shoulds to these scheduled periods so you won't be bothered by them at other times.
Another technique to combat should statements involves getting in touch with the limits of your knowledge. When I was growing up, I often heard people say, "Learn to accept your limits and you'll become a happier person," but no one ever bothered to explain what this meant or how to go about doing it. Furthermore, it always sounded like a bit of a put-down, as if they were saying, "Learn what a second-rate dud you actually are."
In reality, it's not as bad as all that. Suppose you frequently look into the past and mope about your mistakes.
For example, as you review the financial section of the paper, you tell yourself, "I shouldn't have bought that stock. It's gone down two points." As a way out of this trap, ask yourself, "Now, at the time I bought the stock, did I know it was going to go down in value?" I suspect you'll say no. Now ask,
"If I'd known it was going down, would I have bought it?"
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David D. Burns, M.D.
Again you'll answer no. So what you're really saying is that if you'd known this at the time, you'd have acted differently. To do this you would have to be able to predict the future with absolute certainty. Can you predict the future with absolute certainty? Again your answer must be no. You have two options: You can either decide to accept yourself as an imperfect human being with limited knowledge and realize that you will at times make mistakes, or you can hate yourself for it. Another effective way to combat shoulds is to ask, "Why should I?" Then you can challenge the evidence you come up with so as to expose the faulty logic. In this way you can reduce your should statement to the level of absurdity. Suppose, for example, you hire someone to do some work for you. It could be lawn work, or a painting job, or anything.
When he submits his bill, it seems higher than you understood it would be, but he gives you some fast talk, so you give in and end up paying his price. You feel taken advantage of. You begin to berate yourself for not acting more firmly. Let's do some role-playing, and you can pretend that you're the poor sucker who paid too much.
YOU: Yesterday I should have told that guy that his bill was too high.
DAVID: You should have told him that he gave you a lower estimate?
YOU: Yeah. I should have been more assertive.
DAVID: Why should you have? I agree that it would have been to your advantage to speak up for yourself. You can work on developing your assertive skills so that in the future you'll do better in situations like that. But the point is: Why should you have been more effective yesterday?
YOU: Well, because I'm always letting people take advantage of me.
DAVID: Okay, let's think about your line of reasoning. "Be-cause I'm always letting people take advantage of me, I should have been more assertive yesterday." Now—what is the rational response to this? Is there anything about your statement that seems a little bit illogical? Is there anything fishy about your reasoning?
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you: Mmmm . . . let me think. Well, in the first place, it's not exactly true that I'm always letting people take advantage of me. That would be an overgeneralization. I sometimes do get my way. In fact, I can be quite demanding at times. Furthermore, if it were true that I was always getting taken advantage of in certain situations, then it would follow that I should have behaved exactly as I did since this is my habit. Until I've mastered some new ways to deal with people, I'll probably continue to have this problem.
DAVID: Great. I couldn't have put it better. I see you've been absorbing what I've been telling you about should statements! I hope all my readers are as smart and attentive as you are! Are there any other reasons you think you should have behaved differently?
YOU: Uh, well, let me see. How about: I should have been more assertive because I wouldn't have had to pay more than I owed?
DAVID: Okay. Now what's the rational response to that?
What is illogical abou
t that argument?
YOU: Well, since I'm human I won't always do the right thing.
DAVID: Exactly. In fact, the following syllogism may help you. First premise: All human beings make mistakes, like sometimes paying too much. Do you agree with me so far?
You: Yes.
DAvID: And what are you?
YOU: A human being.
DAVID: And what follows?
YOU: I should make mistakes.
DAvID: Right.
That should be enough should removal techniques for you.
Oops! I just did it myself! Let me say—it would be nice if you found those methods helpful. I think you'll find that by reducing this mental tyranny, you'll feel better because you won't be berating yourself. Instead of feeling guilty, you can use your energy to make necessary changes and enhance your self-control and productivity.
3. Learn to Stick to Your Guns. One of the big disad-195
David D. Burns, M.D.
vantages of being guilt-prone is that others can and will use this guilt to manipulate you. If you feel obligated to please everyone, your family and friends will be able to coerce you effectively into doing many things that may not be in your best self-interest. To cite a trivial example, how many social invitations have you halfheartedly accepted so as not to hurt someone's feelings? In this case the price you pay for saying yes when you really would have preferred to say no is not great. You only end up wasting one evening. And there is a payoff. You will avoid feeling guilty, and you can fantasize that you are an especially nice person. Furthermore, if you try to decline the invitation, the disappointed host may say. "
But we are expecting you. Do you mean you are going to let the old gang down? Aw, come on." And then what would you say? How would you feel?
Your obsession with pleasing others becomes more tragic when your decisions become so dominated by guilt that you end up trapped and miserable. The irony is that, more often than not, the consequences of letting someone manipulate you with guilt end up being destructive not only to you but to the other person. Although your guilt-motivated actions are often based on your idealism the inevitable effects of giving in turn out to be quite the opposite.
For example, Margaret was a happily married twenty-seven-year-old woman whose obese brother, a gambler.
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