She’d have to come out of hiding at some point.
But what bothered Louisa most was who was she hiding from, and why?
45
THE TRUTH
Wednesday a.m. – Day 19 post-party
The lack of sleep Noah had caused was now replaced with lack of sleep due to worry, guilt and sadness. Even curiosity plagued her. Louisa’s mind wouldn’t hush – the constant questions, theories and concerns over what was to come, all bashed against each other inside her skull. She’d also come up with various permutations of the same basic conversation that she could have with Oliver to try and dig further to get to the truth. Because there was a truth, buried somewhere, and she felt sure he hadn’t been straight with her up to this point. Not about everything.
The bedroom was dark. She lay with her eyes wide open, but seeing nothing. The streetlights had gone off at 1 a.m. – a recent council policy to save money that she’d welcomed because the one right outside their house managed to infiltrate their room despite the blackout blind’s attempts to block it. However, now, after being awake for two hours past the switch-off, she realised there was a certain safety about that glowing light – its absence and the resulting pitch-black surroundings now added to Louisa’s sense of insecurity and dread.
‘Can’t you sleep?’ Brian rolled over, placing his hand on Louisa’s arm.
‘Jesus! You could’ve given me some warning you were awake.’ Her shrill tone filled the room. The suddenness of his deep voice had encroached on her thoughts, setting her nerves jangling.
‘Sorry. Just been lying here for ages, waiting for sleep to take me. Clearly it’s not going to.’
Louisa turned her body towards him. ‘You thinking about Tiff?’
‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Amongst other things.’
Louisa felt the mattress shift as he turned, flicked on the bedside light and then propped himself up on one elbow to face her.
‘A lot has gone on – too much to process, really,’ she said.
‘Do you trust me, Lou?’ His eyes crinkled and, in the lamplight, Louisa could see tears shining. Her eyes prickled too, the question catching her off-guard. Did she? She had done. Right up until she’d given birth to Noah. He’d never given her reason not to. It was only the texts to Tiff that had sparked her concern. But who was she to question him, to question whether he should be trusted? She was the one with the dark secret – hiding the skeleton, quite literally. Trust went both ways.
‘I’ve struggled, a bit. Lately.’ The honest answer escaped her mouth without much thought. She had to open up the channels of communication, had to at least attempt to sort out the problems. She wondered if he’d be as honest, and whether her honesty would continue if it got into deeper, scarier territory. Like her past. She watched his face, trying to read his expression. It remained pensive.
‘I know you think something was going on with me and Tiff. And I realise I didn’t allay your fears, or dampen your suspicions, whatever, the other day in the kitchen when I started to talk about her. I was trying too hard to explain myself, and all I did was make it sound like you really did have something to be suspicious of.’
‘And there wasn’t, then? I mean, nothing at all to warrant me feeling as though something was wrong?’
He pursed his lips; closed his eyes. ‘There was a moment,’ he said, breathing in deeply. ‘A very brief one. Fleeting.’
Louisa swallowed, her throat dry in anticipation of what he was about to admit to. ‘Go on.’
‘It was when you were carrying Noah, about six months in. Tiff put something on Facebook, a “call-out” if you like. Needed help with putting up shelves. I simply liked her post, then, when there were no offers forthcoming, commented to say I was free to give her a hand.’
Louisa recalled that day. Him telling her that he was popping up to Tiff’s to help with a bit of DIY, then he said he’d be partaking in a swift half at the pub on the way back down the road. He’d said he wanted to catch up with some of the lads he hadn’t seen in a while, and they’d texted that they were going to be watching the football on the big screen there. Louisa also remembered how Brian hadn’t returned until almost midnight that night. Now she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the rest of this story. What you didn’t know couldn’t hurt you. At least, in some situations. It had certainly been the case with what she’d done. How could she tell Brian now?
Her silence gave Brian the go-ahead to continue his story. The one where he was about to tell her he’d betrayed her by shagging her best friend. She couldn’t believe she felt bad for mistrusting Tiff now. It seemed she’d been bloody right to do so.
‘She was really grateful, said it was hard being on her own when things like that needed doing. She felt awkward asking her male friends to help out in case it looked dodgy to their wives.’
‘Hah! She always did think highly of herself.’
‘Don’t, Lou. You don’t mean that.’ He rubbed his hand up and down her bare arm. ‘She wasn’t like that, and you know it.’
‘Then what? What the fuck are you trying to tell me?’
‘Shhh, calm down, you’ll wake Emily.’
‘I’m just not sure where this “chat” is going, Brian,’ she whispered.
‘I know.’ He pushed himself up and sat cross-legged in front of her. She did the same. ‘I’m making a hash of this.’
‘You need to spit it out, whatever it is, say it. Please.’
‘I wanted something to happen. Wanted to make …’ He gulped in a huge intake of breath. ‘Wanted to make a move on her, I guess.’
‘And?’ Her insides felt shaky; adrenaline coursed through her veins.
‘And I did. Stupidly, in a moment of utter madness, I did. I’m so sorry, Lou. I can’t even remember consciously making the decision to kiss her.’
Louisa’s sight clouded; a tingling sensation swept through her body. It wasn’t anything she hadn’t thought about, but hearing Brian say it crushed her. She’d been carrying his baby, and he’d been out trying to get his leg over with her best friend. Bastard.
‘Was that it?’ She couldn’t look at him, didn’t want to see his lying eyes. ‘Was it just a kiss?’
‘Yes. And I regretted it immediately. I felt like a complete fool.’
‘What did she do?’
‘She pushed me away, then gave me a good, hard slap across my face. I deserved it, of course.’
There was an element of relief hearing about Tiff’s response. But it was brief. ‘What if she hadn’t? Pushed you away, I mean? I’m guessing you wouldn’t have felt a fool then. I’m also betting you wouldn’t have regretted anything instantly? You’d have gone for the full thing – a shag on the sofa, her bedroom – then worried about your infidelity at a later point. Like now. And are you sure? Because if I remember correctly, you didn’t crawl home that night until the early hours. It’s not like I can ask Tiff to back up your story, is it? You can say what you bloody well please and there’s no one to go against your version of events—’
‘Louisa … Lou, please, calm down,’ he said, grabbing both her hands and squeezing them. ‘It’s the truth. Really. She pushed me away, and I left with my tail between my legs, panicking about the whole thing, scared she’d call you right away and tell you what a twat I’d been. I went to the pub to drown my shame. I stayed there; they had a lock-in. That’s why I was late, like I told you back then. I wasn’t with her, I promise.’
‘I – I’m not sure whether I can believe that. I hate the thought of not trusting Tiff—’
‘Oh, but you’re fine with not trusting me? That’s perfect, that is.’
‘Hang on a minute.’ Louisa propelled herself up and out of the bed, turned, and with both hands flat on the mattress pushed her face up to Brian’s until it was almost touching. ‘Don’t you dare turn this around on me. I’m not the one who made advances on your best mate. And the reason I’m upset about not trusting Tiff is that, one – if you’re right then she did nothing wrong in this scena
rio, and two – she’s bloody dead, Brian.’ Hot tears tracked down her face. ‘She’s not here to shout at, not here to talk to, ask for her version of this cringeworthy event. That’s why I hate not trusting her, because I’ve lost her. I shouldn’t be angry with a dead person. But you? Well I can be as angry as I damn well please with you. And I think I have every right to be, don’t you agree?’
Brian’s silence meant she had time to compose herself. Exhausted, she pushed away from him and walked into the bathroom, the coolness of the tiles welcoming to her hot feet.
‘And what about you and Oliver then?’
Louisa heard Brian’s deflated voice as she sat on the toilet. She contemplated his question for a moment. There had been a fleeting moment on a few occasions where Louisa had felt an urge to lean in towards Oliver, kiss him. She’d been wise enough to realise they were old feelings, though – ones that belonged in the past with a couple that had long since grown up and apart. You couldn’t rekindle something from so long ago. Not when both people had changed so much.
‘What about us?’
‘Well, weren’t you tempted?’
‘Tempted? Tempted to what?’
‘Oh, come on, Louisa. You can lie to yourself, but not to me.’
‘I don’t know about that.’ She regretted the words as soon as they were spoken and she hoped Brian had not caught what she’d said. The last thing she wanted to get into was a deep discussion about what she was holding back from him. She was a hypocrite. But at this point in time, concentrating on Brian’s shortcomings was the only way she could possibly move on from the devastating truth of what she’d done.
‘What?’
‘I said, I don’t know if I can talk about that now.’ Louisa made her way back to bed. ‘I’m tired. Can we resume play in the morning?’
‘It is morning. But whatever.’ Brian flung himself over to face away from her.
Louisa got the impression that he didn’t really want to hear her answer.
46
THE HYPNOSIS
Breakfast had been strained. Neither Brian nor Louisa spoke more than five words to each other, and Emily left for school earlier than usual. Louisa bet it was to take herself out of what must’ve seemed like a toxic wasteland. Brian got ready for work, but then hung about in the kitchen watching Louisa – a worried look fixed on his face.
‘We really need to make more of an effort in front of Emily, Brian. It’s not good for her to experience our pain.’
‘I know. I’m sorry. I’m tired is all. It’s nothing for her to worry about – she’ll be okay.’ He walked over to where Louisa was sitting and planted a kiss on the top of her head – his usual move before leaving for the prison.
‘We don’t know that. It’s been a really unsettling time for her, and she’s a teenager; she doesn’t tell us the half of it. We should be keeping our stuff to ourselves. Put a brave face on it when she’s here.’
‘Right. Sure. Will try harder.’ The sarcasm was evident. The fact he was trying to make her feel as though she was the one in the wrong annoyed her. He plonked his travel mug of coffee on the coaster and sat down opposite her. Louisa felt compelled to broach the subject of last night’s late-night chat despite knowing it’d be uncomfortable and she’d make him late.
‘So, I guess I should answer your question.’ Louisa waited for Brian to make eye contact with her. He gave a small shrug. Louisa took a deep breath.
‘Unlike you, Brian – I didn’t, and wouldn’t, make a play for anyone else. As for Oliver, well it’s you who invited him into our lives. Not me. Remember that.’
He raised his eyebrows. ‘I know.’
‘Well, to be fair, you and Tiff did. I would never have gone looking for him. Oliver is my past, as I told you. I have never been unfaithful to you, not in any way.’
Brian lowered his head, avoiding her eyes. ‘I’m sorry. It’s all I can say, all I can keep saying.’
‘Good. I’ll never be able to forget that the only reason things didn’t go further was because Tiff put the brakes on, though. That hurts, Brian. But we all make mistakes.’ Louisa swallowed her pride and decided that in fairness, her secret from him was far worse than his secret from her. At least he’d had the guts to come clean about his. Eventually.
‘I’ll make it my mission to never hurt you again. I promise.’
Louisa nodded. ‘We’ll try and put this behind us, then. I also have something I need to … confront. Something from years ago.’ Louisa noticed the slight tremor in her hands as she held her mug. She wasn’t sure how much to say, now, to Brian. But if she wanted to carry out her plan, then he’d need to be in on it, to some extent. ‘You know about the dissociative amnesia – the episodes where I’ve no memory of events in my teens?’
‘Yes, sort of. You didn’t really ever explain fully – you never wanted to talk about it so I didn’t push you.’
‘Well, stuff has been coming back to me. It’s patchy, but I know it’s important. The memories that are trying to reveal themselves – they are key to something. I need to capture them.’
‘Okay, But how?’
‘The only way I can think is by self-hypnosis. I’ve been looking online and have found some guidance and I think I can do it. But I need quiet. Space to myself.’ Louisa looked questioningly at Brian. He gave a gentle nod.
‘I’ll phone in sick.’
‘Oh, I wasn’t meaning right now, necessarily.’
‘I’d suggested I take a few days off to be with you anyway, hadn’t I, so now is as good a time as any. I haven’t pulled a sickie in, like, ten years. I’m pretty sure no one is going to bat an eyelid.’
‘If you’re sure, that would be really helpful. Now seems the right time to do this.’
‘Absolutely.’ He sat up straighter, as if he’d been given orders and was ready to execute them; glad of a distraction. ‘I’ll take Noah out for the day. I think I’ll take him to your parents’, actually. It’s about time they got involved in their grandson’s life, don’t you agree?’
Louisa hesitated for a moment. ‘Yep, okay,’ she said. It would suit her plan to have them gone for the day, despite her not really wanting them to go crawling to her mum and dad. But, needs must. ‘That’s a great idea. Better coming from you, too. You’ve always been good with my parents.’
‘Sorted then.’ He got back up from the breakfast bar and walked to the window, his phone to his ear as he informed the prison gate he wouldn’t be in to work. Then Louisa watched in silence as he paced around the kitchen, then in and out of the lounge, collecting what Noah would need for the day. Having a purpose, something to make him feel as though he was being useful was clearly helping him to feel better about what he’d done.
She hoped the same would happen for her now she had the goal of doing the hypnosis. If it worked. Her heart sank at the thought it might not. She had to be positive. Believe it was going to work. The key thing with hypnosis itself was positive, not negative, statements:
Today I’m going to remember everything from those missing months.
I am going to remember the missing parts from the night of my party.
As she finished her cup of coffee, apprehension hit her. She was about to embark on something that might put an end to the blocked memories.
And that could only go one of two ways.
Was she prepared for what she might learn?
Louisa lay in the middle of the mattress, the pillows tucked comfortably under her head. She’d carried out all the preparation work as stated in the online resources she’d found. She was comfortable, all distractions had been removed: no phones were on, she’d taken the batteries out of the doorbell, the windows were all closed. Although the instructions she’d found didn’t mention anything along the lines of having a clock, Louisa felt sure monotonous ticking would help her relax, so she’d pulled the one off the kitchen wall and now placed it beside her on the bed. The tinny-sounding tick-tocking was surprisingly loud and echoey in her now peaceful bedroom
.
Concentrating on the clock’s rhythm, Louisa began the process of relaxing her muscles, step by step, moving from her toes up towards her head. Then her breathing became the focus. Deep breaths, in … and out. She visualised a large body of water with stairs going down into it, and began stepping down. Ten, nine … breathe in, and out. Lowering herself further: eight, seven … she was almost touching the water. Six, five … her toes dipped into the cool, blue ripples. Four, three … deeper and deeper. Two, one … she was submerged.
She felt calm, relaxed under the water, weightless – and she knew she could still breathe deeply despite being below the surface of the cool liquid.
There were three boxes beneath the water.
She knew she had to swim to each one in turn.
Each one held a memory from a different time. The first was from 1997. The second was from her fortieth birthday party. The third was unknown, unmarked. She knew nothing about its contents, but she had an awareness that this box also needed to be opened, its contents spilled.
She took a breath as though she’d literally been holding it whilst underwater and sat up abruptly. What had happened? Had she done it – remembered everything? Her head swam for a few moments, her thought processes floundering.
Relax.
Yes. She had done it; she’d revisited the memories in each of the boxes. She envisaged them again, frame by frame. It was tough, and her psyche still fought against it. Initially, the boxes had been easy to open. During the hypnosis she’d visualised them, then imagined herself placing the key in the padlock, flipping the latch and lifting the lid. She did this for boxes one and two, but the third box had been the most difficult to open; its lock stiffer, resistant. Once she’d succeeded in opening it, it was also the most challenging to close again. But close it she did. She’d had to. The other two were the ones that needed her full attention at this time. They were the ones that required action.
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