by CoraLee June
Chase blew out a stream of air and then got to work. After he finished patching me up with fresh gauze and medical tape, he tenderly kissed my stomach, around the spot where the rocks cut me open. The touch of his lips on my skin felt tender but heated. I flushed with awareness.
“You scared me. I hate seeing you hurt,” he said so softly that I almost didn’t hear him. He pulled the covers up around me and slid under them next to me. He put one muscular arm around me, careful to avoid the tender area on my side. He drew me close, and feeling safe and secure, we both allowed ourselves to give in to the sleep we so desperately needed.
I woke up in a tangle of legs. Hot skin was pressed against mine, and my side ached with a searing sort of pain that made me groan. I hated waking up. It was always the same. For a moment, I forgot myself. Life was a normal progression of time and experience. But then the sadness settled like an anvil on my chest. It weighed me down without care. It worked through my veins like poison, making me aware that another day had passed.
“Breeze?”
I opened my eyes and was greeted with the sight of Chase’s hazel gaze and sleepy expression. It was the first night I’d slept deeply since…
Once more, the intrusive grief for Violet sliced through my mind. A memory blazed through me. Violet and I had once driven up the coast in her convertible. I wanted to put the top back on, but Violet said she didn’t want to feel restrained. Wind violently whipped my long blond hair in my mouth. It was infuriating. Violet laughed the entire time, and I remembered wishing bugs would get caught in her teeth.
“How’d you sleep?” Chase asked while lifting the covers up to stare at my side. I followed his gaze to the dressing on my wound, grimacing at the painful awareness of my injury.
“I slept surprisingly well,” I answered him. Admitting that I didn’t toss and turn felt like betrayal.
“Me too.”
A clanging of pots and pans downstairs made me slowly sit up. Chase joined me, and we stared awkwardly at one another. Chase and Violet had been coming over since they were old enough to ride their bikes alone, but I wasn’t sure how my parents would feel about him spending the night. In my bed, nonetheless.
Before I could ask him to sneak out the window, my bedroom door swung open, and my mother strolled inside, wearing yoga pants and a white V-neck. She looked tired from her long shift at the hospital. “Good morning, you two,” she greeted with one eyebrow raised, dragging me back out of my morbid thoughts. I blushed profusely, but we did nothing wrong. Not really.
“I made breakfast, but I need to get some sleep. Your father had an early morning at the surf shop. Thanks for monitoring Breeze last night, Chase.”
Chase reached up and ran a shaky hand through his hair. “Yeah. Any time, Mrs. Shirley.”
Mom sat on the edge of the bed, and I wanted the world to swallow me whole. “I know your parents are out of town again, Chase. And I’m sure it’s hard staying in that house all by yourself. You can stay here whenever, okay? The spare bedroom downstairs is yours.”
I didn’t miss the implication in her words but didn’t comment on it either. My parents trusted me, but they weren’t stupid, either.
“Thank you,” Chase murmured.
“Breakfast is ready. Chase, would you mind driving Breeze to school? She shouldn’t be riding her bike with her injury. I don’t want her stitches to open, and I need to sleep. I’m working another double later.”
“Absolutely. And thank you for making breakfast,” Chase replied with a bright smile. I stared at my mother and him incredulously. It seemed this unfamiliar world of pain and loss had no rules. Before Violet’s death, my parents would have skinned me alive for letting a boy sleep over. I guess they were just desperate to help.
Mom went to bed without eating, so Chase and I endured a pancake breakfast alone in awkwardness. I didn’t know what we were doing. I’d known Chase my entire life. He’d teased me about my training bra in middle school. He’d tugged my pig tails in elementary. We were close friends that developed into something more. I didn’t want to define it. I was too raw and felt too guilty to even comprehend that, but I also felt like we were on the verge of something new. Something terrifying and inevitable that I couldn’t quite process.
Violet had always been the bright ribbon that tied us together, and that still rang true now that she was gone. But without her, Chase wasn’t being dragged to hang out with me. He wasn’t politely inviting me along because he knew it would make her happy. We were hanging out because we chose to.
“How’s the surf shop doing?” Chase asked, breaking the silence.
I let out a sigh. This conversation I could handle. Normal. I loved normal. “Not very well. The new shop is taking a lot of business. Mom and Dad don’t like to talk about money with me, but I’ve seen the numbers on Dad’s desk. Mom’s working a lot of extra shifts to make the mortgage payment, and Dad is trying all these new marketing tactics to bring in new business and tourists. I think he is searching for a new investor.”
“Shit,” Chase replied. His family might not have known much about financial struggles, but his empathy meant a lot. “If I can do anything, let me know.”
“Tell your friends?” I offered. “It’s what Violet used to do.” At the mention of Violet, we both went silent. Shit. It was hard not bringing her up.
“Will do,” Chase choked out.
The doorbell rang, and Chase dropped his fork. “I’ll get it.” He shot up out of his seat and practically sprinted toward the front door. I guess he was feeling as awkward as I was. I took a bite of eggs, then paused when I heard the front door open.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I heard Chase shout.
“None of your fucking business,” Kai’s grumbling voice replied.
I ran to the door, ignoring the sharp pain in my side. I took in the sight of Kai. He wore his signature slate gray board shorts, and his hair was damp, as if he’d spent all morning surfing. His tan skin glistened under the sun. “Hey,” I greeted politely while slowly trying to guide Chase out of the way. Naturally, he didn’t budge.
“How are you feeling?” he asked, avoiding Chase.
“Fine. It hurts, but—”
“But I took excellent care of her last night,” Chase interrupted with a cocky grin that dripped with menace.
“I bet you did,” Kai grumbled. “Bet it felt nice to be the hero for once, huh?”
Chase launched himself at Kai. “Fucking prick! Get the fuck out of here,” Chase screamed.
“I’m just bringing Breeze’s bike back like I promised, man. That’s it.” Kai strained as he held Chase back by the shoulders. “What are you doing here? Really? Because we both know you don’t actually give a shit about Breeze. You don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself.”
“I was taking care of her. Or did you forget about her injury after dropping her off at the hospital? You keep being conveniently absent when you’re needed. First Violet and then Breeze. How could you let her surf the rock garden?” Chase barked as he took a swing at Kai. Chase was erratic, blinded by rage, and fortunately it affected his aim. Kai easily dodged the punch, and Chase’s fist just sliced through the air.
“I didn’t let Breeze do anything. She showed up, took my Funboard, and went surfing. If you have an issue, bring it up with her.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose in annoyance. I didn’t want this. If I had known my impulsive and reckless surfing adventure would have led to this, I would have kept my feet firmly planted on the shore. “Chase, calm down. Kai, thank you for bringing my bike back.”
Chase flexed his muscles. Spit was gathered in the corner of his mouth, and each vein in his neck bulged with anger. It looked like he was on the verge of swinging another punch.
“You don’t want to fight me. Trust me,” Kai growled.
“Chase!” I yelled, trying to get his attention. “Stop! Kai is leaving. He had my bike from last night, he’s dropping it off, and now he’s leaving,” I emph
asized, pleading with my eyes for Kai to just go.
Kai swallowed, pausing for a moment before letting out a sigh. “Are you sure you’re okay, Breeze? Do you need anything?” The sudden tenderness in his voice made me pause.
“I’m okay,” I replied softly. I wasn’t okay. Not at all.
“I think you’ve done enough,” Chase shouted. “Go. I can take care of Breeze.”
Kai smiled maniacally, making my stomach plummet. “Yeah. You’re good at taking care of people, huh?” The sinister way Kai said that made me grimace. “You don’t have to tell me twice. I’m out of here,” Kai said sharply before hopping into his truck and speeding off. The engine was so loud I could still hear it as I stared Chase down for an explanation.
“What the hell was that?” I asked when Chase didn’t offer any justification for his behavior.
“I just lost it. What the fuck did he mean when he said I don’t care about you?” Chase asked while shaking his head. “I care. I’ve always cared.” My heart melted at his statement, but I couldn’t linger in the pleasant feeling for too long. “I changed my mind, Breezy. I don’t want you going anywhere near that psychopath.”
I scoffed as I turned to go back inside the house. It was kind of sweet that Chase was being protective, but I don’t know why he thought he had any right to tell me what to do. I liked the softer side of Chase that I had been seeing over the past few days, but he didn’t own me, and I had no intention of staying away from Kai. I realized something last night, something that hit me hard this morning the second I saw Kai.
Kai and Chase were my strongest connection to Violet, and I wasn’t giving that up without a fight.
I was behind on schoolwork. Between taking time off to grieve and skipping yesterday, I had a mountain of work to do and zero desire to do it. Violet and I used to study together. We would buy a shopping cart full of snacks and go to her house to cram for tests.
I spent the day in a haze, avoiding the whispers and looks laced with pity from my peers. Chase walked me to every class, and I felt their eyes on us all day. My heartstrings felt completely entangled with pain. Every move, every beat of my fucking heart reminded me how alone I was now.
I walked to a local coffee shop, my bag weighed down with heavy textbooks and assignments, grimacing with every painful step. My side burned, but it was a welcome reminder of my stupidity yesterday. Now that I’d had time to think about what I’d done, I knew Violet would have ripped me a new one for being so reckless. She was the impulsive one. She was the one that thought about consequences later and acted without care. Not me. Violet saw the beauty in embracing life’s chaos. She liked to remind me that the world was a messy place and that we couldn’t control every aspect of our lives without giving in to the privileges fate demanded of us. It was all give and take. We couldn’t cling to our morals without letting go of our freedom.
Dad texted me a few times, asking when I’d be ready to work at the surf shop again. He needed the free help, but I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to go back there. Violet and I used to work together. When the shop was empty, we’d blast music and dance. I’d miss seeing her flirt with surfers. I’d miss her making fun of my lust for gear.
I opened the door to the coffee shop and went inside. After ordering a black coffee, I found a dark corner in the shop and pulled out my work, thankful for the mindless task of studying to keep my mind busy.
Hours passed. My coffee turned lukewarm. I studied. I crammed my consciousness with geometry, literature, and American history. I didn’t think about anything else, not until the chair across from me scraped across the tile, and a tall figure sat down across from me.
“Kai,” I greeted.
“Breeze.”
I flipped the page in my textbook with a huff. “I thought I was supposed to stay away, huh?” I replied bitterly. “This doesn’t look like staying away.”
Kai reached over and slammed my textbook closed, nearly pinching my fingers. “I want to talk.”
“Now you want to talk?” I asked. “Last time we spoke you wanted nothing to do with me. What changed?”
“Stop being so dramatic. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. How is your side?”
I clenched my teeth before looking up at him. Kai had a dusting of facial hair on his jaw, and his angry eyes were piercing and intense. He gnawed on his lip before scrubbing his hands down his face in exasperation. What was he thinking about? Why was he here?
“I’m fine. It hurts but nothing major,” I replied with a simple wave of my hand. “How are you?”
“That’s a loaded question,” Kai snapped while leaning back in his seat. He crossed his arms over his chest. “Did Chase spend the night?”
“I don’t think that’s any of your business.” My response was too quick.
“It makes sense. You’re both grieving. You both lost someone close to you,” he said with a shrug.
“So did you.”
“I did.”
I started packing up my belongings, no longer in the mood for his temperamental moods and mind games. “Wait. Breeze.”
Kai reached out and grabbed my wrist. The searing heat of his grip made me tremble. My grief suddenly hit me like a tidal wave. It was so sudden I barely had time to blink back my emotions. “What?”
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m just not handling it well. Violet and I had a fight the night she died.”
My ears perked up, and I tried to keep my face still. “A fight?”
“Before the party. Things had been off between us. I said some things I regret.”
“What kind of things?” I tried not to seem too eager for more information.
“It doesn’t matter. It was stupid shit that I shouldn’t have said. Things I only said because I was mad, and I wanted to make her hurt like I did.”
Oh my God. What was Kai saying? I stayed quiet, willing him to keep talking. I needed to know what happened. I needed to know what Violet thought that night.
Kai put his head in his hands and breathed in deeply. “How am I supposed to live with myself knowing that she left this world thinking I hated her?”
This time, I stayed silent because I didn’t know what to say. I was sure Vi didn’t think Kai hated her. They were always fighting and making up. And I was always hearing about it. But what could I say to a grieving man to ease his guilt?
As I was searching for the right words, Kai stood up to leave.
“Are you going?” I asked stupidly.
“Yeah. Listen, Violet left some of her stuff at my place. Makeup, perfume, razors. Do you want them? It’s killing me to see them every day.”
My breath caught when he said that word. Killing. Violet was killed. It was still so fresh that sometimes I had to remind myself that she wasn’t just dead. She was fucking murdered. Hearing someone else say it made it even more real. And I experienced the pain all over again.
“Yes,” I finally responded. “I want all of it.”
“Come by my place tomorrow after school. I’m assuming you remember where it is,” Kai said and left the coffee shop, not waiting for my response.
Dear Diary,
He told me to stop tempting him today.
XOXO,
Violet
I pulled the Jeep onto the sand, right next to Kai’s converted bus. Dad had been letting me use the car since I got injured. I couldn’t ride my bike with my side split open, and even though everything was close, walking would be too much to handle. I was already itching to have these stitches taken out. I wanted to hurry and get back to running around the island and surfing, but if Violet’s death had taught me anything, it’s that you shouldn’t rush the healing process.
I got out and went to the small set of stairs that led up to the bus. There was a coffee can by the bottom step, full of cigarette butts. At least he didn’t smoke inside. I knocked on the front door. Unlike the last time I was here, Kai opened the door immediately. It almost made me think he had been waiting for me.
�
�Hey,” Kai said while scratching the back of his neck. He was wearing board shorts and a button-down shirt that was open. His defined abs flexed beneath my stare, and I snapped my eyes to his.
“Hey.” Stepping into the tiny house was like stepping into Kai’s world. Violet had told me he had done all the work himself, and it was beautiful. His pride in his craft shone through, and it was apparent that this home was built with passion.
It had a rustic feel with rich hickory flooring. Along one side of the bus, where the benches used to be, was a kitchen. There was a full-sized refrigerator, farmhouse style sink, and a surprising amount of cabinet space. At the end of the cabinets, there was a small built in booth and a table that sat two.
He had left the driver’s seat and steering wheel where they were and just upgraded them. He had also left the windows. They were reframed and had dark plantation shutters that were half open, letting the sun in. Kai had walled the back half of the bus off, and I assumed that’s where his bedroom and bathroom were.
We stood awkwardly for a moment, neither of us sure what to do. What was the protocol for picking up my dead best friend’s belongings from her boyfriend’s house? “How are you feeling?” Kai asked.
“My side is getting better. Doesn’t hurt as much, but I still can’t ride my bike. I can’t surf until it’s fully healed, and I’m going stir crazy.”
Kai shuffled on his feet. “I hear that. I get twitchy if I go more than a day out of the water.”
That was one thing Kai and I definitely had in common. We loved to surf and would often go out while Violet sunbathed on the shore. We didn’t talk; we didn’t do much of anything. We’d just enjoy waves while Vi smiled at us from her spot on the shore. “Uh, have a seat. I’ll grab the stuff.”
I made my way over to the leather couch I knew Violet helped him pick out. It was plush and comfortable, but not too large for his tiny house. Violet always had an eye for design, and I couldn’t help but wonder which parts of Kai’s home were his doing and which were hers. When I sat down, Kai made his way to the sectioned off portion of the bus. I stared at his back as he disappeared into the bedroom.