by CoraLee June
I rolled over as carefully as I could under the weight of his arm to face him. I stared at his dark hair, tattoos, and stubble dotting his face. He had looked so intimidating when I first met him, but now I knew that was just a facade. He looked so peaceful while he slept. He must have felt my eyes on him, because his own popped open.
“Good morning,” he said, bringing his lips to mine.
“Good morning. I wasn’t, um, staring…”
“It’s okay, Little Whisper. I like to watch you when you’re sleeping too. You look like an angel,” he said, cutting off my stammering denial. Kai stretched out his muscular arms and then brought them back around me, bringing me tight against his chest.
“As much as I want to stay in bed with you forever, you have to get to school. How about I make us some breakfast?” he asked, kissing my hair and releasing his hold on me. He pulled himself into a sitting position and looked down at me.
“God, you’re beautiful,” he groaned before climbing out of the comfortable bed.
I sat in the bed a few extra minutes after Kai left the room. I breathed in the scent of the rain, and I could still smell the faint aroma of sex in the room. I smiled to myself, remembering exactly what we did between these sheets for our scent to still be lingering.
I could hear the clanking of pans as Kai cooked breakfast. The smells from the kitchen lured me out of bed, and I quickly threw on my clothes. I made a quick stop in the bathroom to pull my hair back and wash my face when I noticed something that wasn’t there before. A brand new pink toothbrush sat in the cup that also held Kai’s.
I picked it up and marched into the kitchen, holding it out like I had never seen a toothbrush before. “What’s this?”
“A toothbrush,” Kai said after turning to see what I was talking about.
“For me?”
“Well, I figured you might appreciate not having to go all day with morning breath,” he teased with a devilish smile.
I stuck my tongue out at him and went back to the bathroom to brush my teeth. With my pretty new pink toothbrush. That belonged here, in Kai’s bathroom. Who would have ever thought that I would be so giddy over a toothbrush? When mom wasn’t working the night shift, I stayed home, but for the most part, I was floating between Kai’s bed, Chase’s guest room, and my house. My parents weren’t exactly thrilled, but Dad would have to be around more to stop it. I’d heard them fighting about it last week, and he stormed off muttering something about the surf shop under his breath.
I came back into the kitchen to find that Kai had made omelets and set the tiny table, complete with a white flower in the middle. I slid my arms around his neck and kissed him deeply, letting my mouth tell him how much I loved my gift.
“Mmm, minty fresh,” Kai teased as I pulled away.
I giggled as we sat down to eat. Everything smelled amazing and tasted even better. I dived into the delicious egg and vegetable combination and ate with gusto — I had worked up an appetite last night.
“So, what do you want to do for your birthday?” Kai asked, casually.
“My birthday?” I echoed and almost spit out my food. I had completely forgotten that my birthday was tomorrow. I had been so busy with Kai and the investigation and Chase and my parents and…
I pressed my fingers to my lips and squeezed my eyes shut. This was the first morning I didn’t immediately think of Violet. I didn’t wake up and wonder what life would have been like if she were here. I didn’t plot how I’d get information from Lex. I didn’t wonder how I’d get through another school day without her. I woke up happy. What did this mean? Was I moving on?
“Hey? You okay?” Kai asked while reaching out to brush his fingers over my shoulder. I dragged my gaze to his.
“I didn’t think about her this morning,” I admitted.
Kai’s expression softened. “It’s okay not to think about her all the time. It doesn’t mean you love her any less.”
“I think it would feel weird to celebrate my birthday this year without her.” I’d come to terms with my relationship with Kai. I accepted the guilt and the gossip. But I wasn’t sure I was ready to celebrate my birthday with him on a day where Violet’s absence would feel even more prominent.
“You can still celebrate your life, Breeze,” Kai pushed.
“I just don’t want to,” I countered. Kai pressed his lips into a thin line. I could tell he wanted to say something. “Say it,” I huffed in exasperation.
“Say what?” he asked.
“Say whatever you’re thinking.”
Kai grabbed my plate and took it over to the sink. Once he’d rinsed it off, he turned back around to face me with his arms crossed over his chest. “You don’t have to punish yourself.”
“I’m not punishing myself,” I countered. “I just would feel weird doing anything for my birthday this year.” Violet and I used to have a birthday tradition. She would spend the night and wake me up with pancakes and ice cream. She’d dress me up like a doll and do my hair and makeup, then take me to her favorite restaurant for dinner—a five-star monstrosity that made me feel out of place but was still fun.
“Really? Because it sounds to me like you are,” Kai argued.
I clenched my fist. I did not want to have this conversation. I was feeling so much. “I’m not celebrating. End of discussion,” I gritted.
“Right. Because you’re too busy punishing yourself to celebrate this year.”
I gaped at Kai. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“You think I don’t see what’s happening, but I do. Every time you get even a little bit happy, you remember Violet, and it’s like whatever glow inside of you burns out. It’s like you have to remind yourself that you’re supposed to be sad.”
“That’s not fair,” I stammered, my eyes filling with tears. It had been a while since I’d cried over Violet. Why was he pushing this so hard?
“No. What’s not fair is how you keep pulling away the moment you feel happy. I could feel it. Even yesterday there was this moment as I held you. The light literally dimmed in your eyes.”
I thought back to last night with a frown. The sweet, tender, hot memory felt tainted now. “Fuck you, Kai. I wasn’t pulling away last night. I’m allowed to have my moments.”
Kai threw his hands up. “Well fuck you too, Violet.”
I gasped. He’d called me Violet. We both seemed to realize at the same time the weight of what had just happened. More tears stung my eyes. Violet. He’d called me Violet.
“Breeze. Babe, I’m so sorry,” Kai said while reaching for me. I shrugged out of his reach.
“Don’t touch me, please,” I whispered before slipping further out of his reach. “I’m going to be late for school. I’ll ride my bike.”
Kai silently let me go. He didn’t fight for me to stay, and I cried the entire ride to school. Under any other circumstance, I absolutely hated riding my bike in the rain, as it was incredibly uncomfortable. But today I welcomed it. The droplets whipped in my eyes, and the back tire sent a constant spray of water up my back, but I was thankful to have something to blame my wet face on.
When I finally made it to school, my fingers struggled to lock up the bike. I wasn’t sure if I was shaking from the cold or from the fight with Kai. After several attempts, I finally got the chain around the frame and walked to class, wondering how my blissful morning dissolved into such a shitshow.
I made it all the way to lunch without even looking at my phone. When I did finally open the screen, I was disappointed to see that there was nothing from Kai. I took out the brown paper bag Kai had packed earlier and snuck into my backpack. I noticed it during first period but hadn’t looked inside yet. I carefully opened the bag and looked in.
“Are you opening your lunch or defusing a bomb?” a playful voice teased.
“Hi, Chase,” I said without looking up at him.
He plopped down at the table next to me and set down his cafeteria-bought lunch. He had three slices of pizza, fre
nch fries, an energy drink, and a brownie. I was happy to see that he had gotten his appetite back, even if his choices were questionable.
“What’s in the bag?” he asked.
“I don’t know, Kai packed it for me,” I told him and began taking out the food and placing it on the table. There was a grilled cheese sandwich that wasn’t anywhere near warm anymore, an orange, a bottle of water, and a note scrawled on a napkin. I read it, and tears filled my eyes again.
Enjoy your lunch, Little Whisper
“Oh shit, Breeze. Are you okay?” Chase asked with genuine concern in his eyes.
“No,” I answered. “Kai and I got into a fight,” I said, biting my bottom lip, willing the tears to stay put. The last thing I needed was to break down in the middle of the lunchroom with everyone staring.
“Aw, fuck. What did he do?” This must have been all too familiar for Chase. Trying to comfort a girl after being hurt by Kai. It really did feel like I was taking Violet’s place.
“I don’t want to talk about it here,” I said, biting my cheek.
“Okay,” Chase conceded. “But will you come over later so that we can talk about it?”
I nodded my head in agreement. My mom wasn’t going to be home tonight, and going over to Kai’s was off the table. So I was really grateful that Chase had offered. “Can you please just tell me a story? Or talk about your classes or anything really. Just distract me so I can make it through the rest of the day. Please?”
Chase smirked. “What kind of story? I had a threesome last night that’ll knock your socks off.”
That definitely drew my attention. “What happened to no more meaningless flings?” I asked with my brow cocked.
“Yeah, that was before I remembered how fun meaningless flings can be,” he drawled. I’d had a feeling Chase’s vow of celibacy would be short-lived. I was just thankful he hadn't brought them over while I was staying the night.
Chase and I had grown closer, bypassing the awkward holy crap we kissed and I saw you get a blow job phase. I kept him updated on Kai’s findings with Lex, and he let me stay over the nights I didn’t feel comfortable going home.
“I’d prefer not to discuss your threesome,” I deadpanned.
“Aw, afraid you’ll be jealous, honey?” Chase joked.
“Honey?” I asked. He’d never called me that before.
“I’m trying new nicknames since you’ve vetoed Breezy Baby—which by the way, is really fucking hard. I’ve called you that since sixth grade.” I rolled my eyes as Chase waggled his eyebrows. He was doing a good job of distracting me so far.
“What other nicknames have you come up with?” I asked. As long as he didn’t call me fucking Violet, I was okay. Ugh. My thoughts drifted to Kai again.
Chase snapped his fingers. “Hey! No brooding. I’m trying to find a new nickname, okay?”
I sighed. “Lay it on me.”
“Sand Dollar?”
“Pass,” I snapped.
“Crabby?” Chase offered, alluding to my mood.
I stole a fry off his plate and took a bite. “Absolutely not.”
“Blondie? Pickle?”
I scrunched my nose. “I hate pickles, and blondie makes me sound like a bimbo.”
Chase pressed his hand to his chest. “Hasn’t anyone told you not to stereotype? What about Honeybun? No! HoneyBUM. Yes. That’s the ticket.” Against my better judgment—I didn’t want to encourage Chase—I smiled. “There it is,” Chase whispered.
“There’s what?”
“That gorgeous smile of yours. Can’t be frowning, your birthday is tomorrow.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me,” I said, standing up and snatching another fry off of his tray. I swept the uneaten lunch Kai made me back into the bag and tossed it into the nearby trash can, including the note. “I’ll see you later.”
“Bye, Honeybum!” he called out, needlessly loud.
I finished out the rest of the school day like a zombie, shuffling from one class to the next. I obsessively checked my phone during passing periods and even left one class to go to the bathroom just to see if Kai had said anything. But my phone remained frustratingly free from his name.
I didn’t even know what I would say if he did reach out, but it would have been nice to know that he was thinking about me just as much as I was thinking about him. Maybe he was just so used to fighting with girlfriends that this didn’t even affect him.
Of everything he said, being called Violet stung the most. I didn’t want to feel like a cheap stand-in for the real thing. Even though Kai insisted that he had planned to end things with her, I still compared myself to my best friend. She was confident. Prettier. Guys would always glance at me and do a double take for her.
And more so, I hated that I was now comparing myself to her. She was dead. I wasn’t. I hated wondering if I’d ever measure up, then hated myself for even feeling like I had to. And Kai was wrong. I wasn’t shying away from happiness. I did plenty of things that brought me joy—including dating him. Just because my journey was littered with guilt, didn’t mean I didn’t enjoy myself. It was just hard. Every smile felt like forgetting. Every good day made me sad that I didn’t have her to share it with me.
After school, I went straight over to Chase’s. I was beginning to think of his house as a second home again. A completely different home than the one that was so familiar to me with Violet. It was a home that Chase and I were forging together out of a need to keep our connection to Violet but also because we didn’t want to be alone.
I walked right in without knocking and yelled out for Chase. I dropped my bag by the door and helped myself to a soda and snack from the kitchen. Chase was already in the living room by the time I got there. He was texting and grinning like an idiot. I managed to sneak a glance at his phone before he locked it and shoved it into his pocket.
“Who’s Sophia?” I teased.
“Nobody,” he said quickly. “Tell me about what happened with Kai.”
“He was upset that I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday. It just feels wrong without Violet. He said I was punishing myself for her being gone. Isn’t that ridiculous?” I asked, stalling about telling him that Kai had called me Violet.
“No. I mean, you know he’s not my favorite guy. But I think he may have a point here,” Chase said, completely serious.
Traitor. Chase was supposed to be on my side. I just stared at him in disbelief until he explained himself.
“Breeze, it just seems like you don’t want to let yourself be happy since Violet isn’t here to share it with you,” he sighed. “Every time you find happiness in something that you used to do with Violet or reminds you of her, you immediately stop. Like you’re not allowed to have fun doing things that she used to like too.”
Anger bubbled up inside me, and I was about to tell Chase how wrong he was, but he kept talking before I got the chance to say anything.
“You won’t drink strawberry milkshakes anymore because they were Violet’s favorite too. You lose interest in movies the three of us used to watch together, and you avoid surfing at The Bay since that was Violet’s favorite place to sunbathe.”
My thoughts flashed to this morning, about how I finally felt happy, and how I ruined it. The anger deflated just as quickly as it came on. “When did you get so smart?” I asked him.
“I’ve always been this smart,” he said, flashing a dazzling smile. “You’ve just never shut up long enough to listen.”
I faked being hurt by his comment and gave him a push. “Let’s watch scary movies and eat a ton of junk food.”
“Only if you promise to hold me in the middle of the night if I get nightmares,” he teased.
I loved this. Just being here with Chase. Completely comfortable. Completely safe.
Dear Diary,
Tomorrow is my birthday. I made a decision about what to do. Kai will hate me. But he and I were never meant for more than this. I see the way he watches my best friend. If I were a better person, I would
have released him before it got to this point. Love is such a fickle thing, huh? We could have been so good together. Tuesday, I’ll wake up a mother and fall asleep just Violet. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself.
XOXO,
Violet
I woke up the next morning in Chase’s spare bedroom. I had started referring to it as my bedroom. I had clothes in the dresser drawers, my shampoo and conditioner in the attached bathroom, and I had brought Mr. Monk-Monk over. Chase hadn’t even teased me when I snuck in my well loved stuffed monkey.
I heard noises downstairs, which was impressive since the house was so massive. I was convinced another entire family could live here and nobody would even know for weeks. I rolled out of bed and pulled on a sweatshirt over my pajamas. I went to the bathroom and quickly brushed my teeth with the green toothbrush I commandeered from the Joneses’ extra stash of toiletries. My heart panged for the pink one in Kai’s bathroom.
Hurrying down the stairs to see what was going on, I was greeted by Kai and Chase standing at the bottom of the staircase. Chase was holding a birthday cake with lit candles, and Kai was holding a small box wrapped in bright paper. They started to sing to me as soon as I began descending the stairs.
I was so surprised that Kai was there. This is the last place I would have expected to see him. I didn’t even bother trying to smooth out my hair; both Kai and Chase had seen me looking far worse. When I made it to the bottom of the stairs, I couldn’t even speak. I just looked back and forth between them.
Kai spoke first. “I’m sorry for yesterday, Breeze. I was out of line. We will absolutely talk about it later, but for today, can we just forget about it and enjoy your birthday?” Kai asked.