Sure enough, in a debrief with Savannah, she used Sydney’s quick thinking as an example of how to conduct oneself professionally in a meeting. Savannah’s Medusa hair had awakened as a teeming mass of hissing snakes.
“And whatever religious rituals you perform before a presentation, I don’t care, but please keep them to yourself.” As Savannah continued to explain all the ways in which I was incompetent, I found myself profusely apologizing for not being able to control my biological functions, my apparent praying and my bad hair. Her Medusa snakes sneered and stuck their tongues out at me.
Once I was satisfactorily humbled, Savannah moved on to what I suppose was the cheerleader part of the debrief. “Klaus’s challenge is incredibly inspirational. I think we’re going to do great things under his leadership. Let’s make his challenge your new obsession. And keep the next presentation short and sweet. Klaus doesn’t like long presentations.”
No shit, Sherlock. This would have been a helpful revelation before I slaved over the “fucking long” presentation for the past two weeks. I felt like curling up in the corner of my cube with a bottle of Jäger and crying over my lost competency.
After my debrief with Savannah, I had a much more supportive session with Stevie. I described every agonizing detail of the Marketing Review, leaving out my unfortunate encounter with Caden. Stevie grimaced and covered his eyes for most of it as if it were a horror movie.
“Do I not have the right to pee?” I asked. “Isn’t depriving us of our right to pee akin to slave labour?”
“Well, no but I guess you just have to pee strategically…listen drama queen, you forgot all about Cardinal Rule #2,” Stevie proclaimed. “If you don’t know, you need to lie with confidence. Sydney is the best at it because most of the time she doesn’t know.”
“You’re right. I don’t know why I doubted your rules.” I rubbed my eyes. “I worked so hard and it was all for nothing. In the end, I looked like a complete loser. Sydney did nothing, lied and was the hero of the day.”
“Well, I wouldn’t beat yourself too much over it, but this is a beauty company. Appearance matters. Now Savannah may take a little bit of a tough love approach —”
“Yeah, except without the love,” I corrected.
“Yes, but she’s a brilliant marketer – one of the best at Gisele. Think of it this way – you have the best of both worlds – learning from one the best marketers and one of the best bullshitters at Gisele. Who can ask for more? You are one lucky gal!”
My performance at the Marketing Review had undoubtedly set me back a few paces on my path to New York but Stevie renewed my faith in the process. Not quite feeling like a lucky gal, I was now open to learning the rules of the game. I opened a new document on my computer and recorded Stevie’s Cardinal Rules. I paused to reflect upon my most recent learning and added ‘4. Pee Strategically’.
Chapter 6: Congratulations
I hadn’t seen Jackie, Lindsay and Calista since my one-week anniversary celebration at the Betty Ford Clinic over a month ago. We had plans to meet after work at Hemingway’s, a local pub just two blocks from where I worked in Yorkville. I was excited to see them and catch up. This was the longest span of time I had gone without seeing them.
“Well hello, Miss Yorkville,” Jackie greeted me as I ran in late from work, garbed in yet another Volvo outfit.
“Hi! I miss you guys! It’s been so long!” There was a flurry of hugging.
“You look so professional, I almost didn’t recognize you!” I think that was a compliment from Lindsay.
“Yeah, you actually combed your hair and —” Jackie stopped as she noticed I was wearing makeup. “Oh my God, are you wearing makeup?”
“Well, it is my job. Speaking of which, here’s your makeup, Madame, as requested.” I had selected several bestsellers from the Forbidden Fruit collection for Jackie. “I’m so sorry I’ve been AWOL these past few weeks. Work has swallowed me whole but my hours should get better now that I’m up to speed.”
“It better!” Jackie warned.
“What’s been going on in your lives? I’m dying to know, and I’m dying of thirst.” I waved down a server to order a drink.
Calista, Lindsay and Jackie then inundated me with accusations of screening their calls and never getting back to them.
“Are you guys telling me off?” I laughed. “I’m sorry! I promise my hours are going to get better because I simply refuse to continue working this much.” The server appeared and I requested a Pinot Grigio.
Lindsay gasped. “What? What happened to your regular gin & tonic?”
“Wine’s better for your heart.” I shrugged.
“Yeah, health is my top criteria in selecting an alcoholic beverage. Cheers,” Jackie winked, taking a sip of her dirty martini.
“I don’t know if it’s the clothes or makeup but you look different,” Lindsay observed me closely. “Not that it’s a bad thing…” she added, reassuringly.
“No,” Calista said. “It’s just been so long that we forget what you look like.”
“Please,” I rolled my eyes.
“OK ladies,” Jackie announced, “You’ve said it before, but now it’s confirmed. I’ve officially dated every guy in Toronto.”
“I knew I was right,” Calista shook her head, already laughing, and we braced ourselves for another hilarious Jackie dating story.
“So I’m on this date and the guy looks familiar so I ask him whether we’ve met before but he doesn’t recognize me. Halfway through our date, I’m super annoyed by the way he holds his spoon. Like this —” Jackie demonstrated what appeared to be normal spoon-holding etiquette. We nodded understandingly even though we didn’t understand, “So annoying. And then I realize I went on a date with him four years ago.”
We laughed, not in the least surprised. “I’ve literally dated every single guy in Toronto and now I’m starting all over again!”
“Maybe the timing is right four years later. How did the date go?” Lindsay asked, ever the helpless romantic.
“Just as bad as it did four years ago.” Jackie replied. “The spoon.”
“Maybe you need to expand to the ’burbs,” I suggested.
“No,” Jackie shuddered, “I can’t do it.”
“OK, so Jackie has officially dated every single guy in Toronto and —” Calista started to say.
“I think some of them may have been married,” Jackie corrected. “In retrospect,” she added quickly, seeing our shocked expressions.
“I officially completed my PhD!” Calista finished her sentence, effectively distracting us from the awkward moment.
“No way! Congratulations! You’re officially a rocket scientist. Or economist, same thing. This deserves a massive celebration!” I hugged Calista.
“Or a massive vacation,” Calista laughed.
“We’re going all out and throwing a huge party for her,” Lindsay said, smiling at Calista.
“What about my congratulations? Dating all of Toronto is just as hard as getting a PhD.” Jackie joked.
“No doubt. That takes a special skill. If there were a PhD in dating, you would have already earned it. I could put in a request with Harvard.” Calista offered.
“Oh, shut up, you genius. Not to take away from Calista’s accomplishment, obviously more important than dating all of Toronto, but I can’t believe you haven’t noticed yet.” Jackie turned to me expectantly.
“Noticed what?” I was confused.
“I’m engaged!” Lindsay exclaimed, throwing her left hand up to my face to show me her shiny engagement ring.
“That’s amazing! Congratulations!” I was excited for Lindsay but felt an incredible pang of guilt that I hadn’t noticed her very noticeable ring. “When did he propose? Tell me all about it.” I insisted. This was bound to happen sooner or later. Justin was Lindsay’s university sweetheart and they were perfect for one another.
“Last week, it was our five-year anniversary.” As Lindsay described the incredibly romant
ic proposal, I realized that Jackie and Calista hadn’t chimed in to the congratulations and weren’t reacting to the story the same way I was. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that they already knew. Come to think of it, Calista’s announcement did not seem like new news to Jackie and Lindsay, either.
“I’m sorry Lindsay, did you try to call me and tell me?” I was mortified at my self-involvement. Completing a PhD and getting engaged were some of the most important events in my friends’ lives and I missed it because I was working on a ‘fucking long’ presentation.
“I’m sorry, I wanted to tell you all at once but I couldn’t hold it in…”
“No, no don’t apologize, it was my fault. Congratulations. Your ring is beautiful.”
“But I did manage to keep one secret.” Lindsay smiled coyly and paused, to build up the suspense.
“Spit it out, you’re killing me!” Jackie exclaimed.
“I want the three of you to be my bridesmaids!” That ensued another round of cheers and hugging and maybe a few tears.
Once we settled down, Jackie turned the attention to me. “So I’ve dated all of Toronto, Calista got her PhD and Lindsay got engaged. What have you done with yourself in the past month, missy?”
“Well when you put it that way, I’ve been an incredible failure.”
“Boo hoo. You better give us a better answer as to why you’ve been hiding yourself for the past month.” Jackie demanded.
“I have a gay boyfriend.”
There was a moment of silence. “Why are you dating him if he’s gay?” Lindsay finally asked. Calista looked equally confused.
“No, no, he’s not really my boyfriend, more like a platonic boyfriend, but gay.”
“I don’t get it.” Calista still looked confused. Apparently rocket scientists don’t understand everything.
This was more Jackie’s territory. She jumped in with an alarmingly accurate summary. “He’s Team Veronica; tells her she’s gorgeous; he’s super fun and hilarious; makes her laugh; loves fashion and shopping. He says things like ‘you look fa-bu today’ and ‘oh no you dih-int!’ and ‘hollah at ya girl!’”
“That’s not true. He has much better pronunciation than that.” I didn’t realize until Jackie summarized it so bluntly that Stevie was essentially President of the Veronica Fan Club, present member count: 1.
“So if you got a heterosexual boyfriend, would you be cheating on him?” Lindsay asked me.
“No, no, it’s just a silly expression that I thought was funny.” I gave up. “And clearly no one else does.”
“I just don’t get it,” Calista repeated.
“Anyway, you guys would love him. I can’t wait for you to meet him.”
“Is he responsible for your new look?” Lindsay asked.
“It’s not a new look, I’m just wearing new clothes. But yes, he helped me shop for them.”
“And neither of you have any romantic feelings for one another?” Calista was still trying to crack the gay boyfriend code.
“No! Forget gay boyfriend. He’s my friend. And he’s been helping me fit in and get up to speed at work, kind of like a mentor. He’s the only person who’s nice to me at Gisele. I probably would have been fired by now without his help.”
“What are his motives for helping you? Are you sure he’s gay?” Lindsay asked.
“He’s definitely gay. Wow, you guys are really territorial. Don’t worry, it’s not him that’s keeping me away from you guys. It’s my job.” I hadn’t expected my friends to be so distrusting of my new gay boyfriend. I was going to have to figure out how to get Stevie into the circle of trust.
“How’s the job been going?” Calista asked.
“Um…it’s less horrible. But I just got a great assignment. I’m organizing a launch party for an important product launch.”
“What product launch? Can you tell us?” Lindsay asked.
“I can on two conditions. One that you keep it confidential and second that you don’t laugh.”
They wholeheartedly agreed but when I told them about Gi-Spot they howled with laughter.
“You realize that we’re going to make fun of you for the rest of your life,” Jackie said after the laughter died down.
“You’ve just gone from saving the world to throwing a sex party!” Lindsay pointed out. “What happened to Veronica?”
“I guess no one’s going to congratulate me?” I asked in jest, to cover up my disappointment at my friends’ lack of excitement for my achievement.
“Why don’t you incorporate a charity element into the party?” Calista suggested, in her usual genius way. “That way you can do both – save the world and throw a sex party.”
“That’s a great idea, Calista. Thank you. Now maybe you can help me with my other problem.” Jackie leaned in, all ears. “For this party, I report into the most beautiful man in the world. He’s a VP and I have a huge crush on him. It’s a little bit of a problem.”
“Congratulations!” Jackie exclaimed.
“Do you think if I throw the best party in the world he’ll fall in love with me?” I joked.
“Absolutely,” Jackie assured.
“I didn’t think corporate was your type.” Lindsay remarked.
I didn’t think I had a type. “Since when was hot not my type? What do you think my type is?”
“I don’t know…like, hot carpenter.” Lindsay answered. Jackie nodded approvingly.
“Yeah, maybe…if my life were a porn movie.”
“Be careful.” Calista warned. “This has bad news written all over it.”
“I just need to be careful until I throw the party and he’s no longer my boss. Right, Jackie?”
Jackie nodded in support. “I want to see him. I wonder if I’ve ever dated him?”
“No, it’s not OK. He’s a VP and you’re an entry level marketer.” Calista pointed out.
Lindsay nodded in agreement. “Jackie, you’re outnumbered. It’s definitely not OK to become romantically involved with your VP – especially if he’s married. Please tell me he’s not married.”
“That is a very good point. I don’t know.” I had some sleuthing to do… “Anyway, I need to get back to the office.”
“What?” Lindsay looked at her watch. “It’s past nine o’clock. That’s disgusting.”
“I need to get started on this sex party planning thing. I’ve been neglecting it because I was working on a fucking long presentation.”
“Your workplace sounds like so much fun.” Jackie said. “Or…are you trying to catch a glimpse of VP Hottie tonight?”
“No, I’m trying to impress VP Hottie with my party planning skills.” I got up and put my jacket on.
“Well, here’s to saving the world.” Lindsay said as I bid farewell and Jackie requested more makeup. I hurried back to the office, a little bit of concern over my friends’ distrust gnawing at my insides.
Chapter 7: Existential Crisis
One of the first things that Klaus did when he arrived at Gisele Canada, in disgust of Canadian coffee, was set up a premium European coffee shop in Gisele’s atrium, complete with a full-time barista and German-named coffee drinks. This put him in good standing with the masses, at least until they met him. European coffee was certainly not my first priority in terms of work benefits, but it was admittedly a generous perk. I was not a coffee fan myself but occasionally allowed Stevie to drag me along as he enjoyed his daily Verkehrt (latte macchiato). On our latest coffee run I encountered Caden who was drinking an espresso, somehow managing to make that little cup look super sexy and manly.
“Veronica! What are you drinking?” He waved the barista over and smiled at me. His teeth were dazzling. I was mesmerized by his dimples. “What’s your pleasure?”
“You.” I said without thinking. Caden raised his eyebrows. Stevie kicked me and I jolted back to my senses. “I mean you – your – what you’re drinking…is what I meant…by you.” Stevie laughed loudly to cover up the awkward moment and I
joined in weakly.
“Ah, espresso, that will get you going in the morning.” Caden smiled magnificently again, unaffected by my school girl adoration. I kicked the espresso back, like it was a shot.
“Whoa! It’s meant to be savoured but…whatever works for you,” Caden laughed and the heavens opened up in appreciation of the beautiful sound of his laughter.
“Wow, that – that works.” I felt my heart beating maniacally, not knowing whether it was caused by sudden and excessive caffeine intake or Caden’s proximity. “That’s strong shi – stuff. I like it!”
“Good. How’s the party planning going?”
“Great!” I lied. The truth is, I hadn’t been able to connect with Chloe for a transition meeting. I had tried setting up several meetings over the last week but she kept blowing me off.
“How about we meet and catch up over an espresso?” OMG, is he asking me out on a date? I clutched at Stevie who suppressed a yelp. “I have an espresso machine in my office. We can go over the party planning milestones and status.”
“Oh, right. Right. The party. That would be awesome. I would love that.” I pumped my fist with enthusiasm.
“Great, I’ll have my admin set up the meeting. Looking forward to it.”
As soon as he was out of ear shot, I turned frantically to Stevie. “I haven’t started a thing! I’m screwed!”
“I’d say.” Stevie dragged me away from the coffee bar to berate me in private by the garden. There was an expansive skylight above Gisele’s atrium and in the centre was a lush garden of well-groomed and contained botanical wildness. “You are a total Lindsay Lohan hot mess around him. And he loves it! What kind of VP meets with a junior marketer to go over a party timeline?”
“Really? Do you really think he loves me?” I whispered, blushing. The flowers in the garden seemed to bloom brighter.
“For the love of Justin Timberlake, you need to pull it together, girl! This is bad news.”
“That’s exactly what Calista said!” I knew that Stevie and Calista were soul sisters!
“Who’s Calista? You shouldn’t be telling people about this! Listen to me. This is a serious CLM. And it needs to stop now.” Had I not told Stevie about my best friends? I would have to bring him up to speed on my life outside of Gisele.
Why I Love My Gay Boyfriend Page 5