by Naomi Niles
But the idea of another man?That might have been one step too far.
I tried to picture myself in some kind of meet cute situation, wondering how it would work, wondering how I would cope, but I just couldn’t see it. It just wasn’t me. Maybe I was damaged goods, too emotionally hurt, and it wouldn’t happen. I was sure that I would meet someone someday, but that didn’t feel right for the time being. I felt like I needed to keep my eyes fixed only on the end goal of making something of my life. I could worry about anything else afterwards.
Ice skating it was!
“So, I just got a message and my cab is outside,” Kim interrupted my thoughts, looking at me a little sadly. “Will you be all right?”
“I will,” I shot her a grateful smile, glad that I had managed to find such a good friend here at college. She really was a Godsend. “Thank you for your advice. I definitely will do something fun.”
“And ignore your parents,” she reminded me. “They don’t know what’s best for you, and they never will.” My friend had no idea how lucky she was, having a mom and dad that simply allowed her to be, letting her get on with whatever she wanted. I was constantly jealous of her for that! “I’ll see you in the new year, okay?”
We hugged goodbye, and she turned to leave. As she clicked the door shut behind herself, I slumped back down on my bed with a sigh. I needed to get my cab organized now so that I wouldn’t miss my flight, but I just needed a second to myself first. When I immersed myself here in the life I’d created in San Diego, it was easy to forget about all of the strife it took to get me there, but now I was having to face up to all of that again.
I was stronger, more capable of standing up for myself, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t nervous. Facing my family would always be something that filled me with anxiety;I couldn’t see that ever changing however old or mature I got. When it came to my parents, I felt like I would always be like a child. A teenager that hadn't quite grown up.
Maybe things would be different now. Maybe things would be better in a new city. Anything was possible! Maybe once mom and dad saw how happy I was on my course, and they understood that I wasn’t going back on my word no matter what, they would let it go.
“Well,” I muttered to myself, picking up my phone. “Here goes nothing.”
Once I had made the dreaded call, I grabbed my badly packed suitcase, knowing that I would have to go shopping at the other end anyway, and I slumped down towards the college entrance. I took a long hard stare at the building where I had finally come out of my shell, feeling grateful that I had managed to find a place that felt like home to me.
I’ll be back soon enough, I told myself, trying to make myself feel better. This nightmare won’t last forever.
Chapter 3
Miles – Friday
I rode with Benji and Gaz to the bar, feeling psyched for a good night out with my boys. Sure, my doubt was still there, and my criticism of myself, but it was hard not to get caught up in the party atmosphere that everyone else was experiencing. We always had a good night out after a win, and I had no doubt that this would be the same.
“I wonder how many chicks will be out tonight,” Gaz said loudly and cheekily, causing Benji to burst into laughter. “They will be all over us after that shit, especially Miles! That winning goal was something else.”
They both span around to look at me in the back of the car and I shot them a fake but silent smile. I didn’t want to say anything to that comment, and I was pretty sure that they both knew why.
Hailey.
Urgh, fucking Hailey.It was like she’d ruined me.
I met her just over a year ago in the same bar we were headed to that night, and I honestly thought that it was love at first sight. I saw her having drinks with her friends, and her eyes swung around to meet mine in what felt like a real movie moment. Her long, dark hair swung past her hips, her almost violet eyes sparkled at me, and she had a rocking body to boot. Curves in all the right places, a rack that grabbed attention, and legs that seemed to go on forever. The black, leather dress that she had been wearing had made her look incredible, I felt myself fall almost right away.
She was hot: the sexiest chick that any of us had ever seen, and for some reason she seemed to like me too. It didn’t make any sense, but I jumped in with both feet anyway.
I lapped up her attention, feeling like I was under the warm rays of her sunshine, and I probably lost a lot of myself along the way. She kissed me that night, weaving her tight web around me, and I quickly found myself doing anything for her. That affected every aspect of my life – hockey, my team, my friends, but it all felt worth it, for her. I became obsessed by her love, needing to keep it, which made me act like a total idiot.
What I hadn't realized at the time was she didn’t want me at all: what she wanted was my fame, and she figured that I was headed towards the big time. But I didn’t rise up quick enough to keep her happy, and she started to treat me like crap. She ignored my calls, but went crazy if I didn’t answer one of hers. She never wanted me around anymore, but yelled if I ever made any other plans. She flirted with every guy that looked her way, but screamed if I even glanced accidently at someone else. It was a crazy rollercoaster that I regret allowing myself to be sucked in to. I still can’t believe that I allowed that to happen, that I was so fucking foolish. I found it embarrassing as shit.
The sad thing was I never even got the satisfaction of ending it. I had the indignity of finding a sex tape that had been ‘leaked’ online of her with a pro football player. The worst thing was I didn’t even stumble across it by myself;I had a link sent to me via one of my social media accounts by a fan. And all my teammates saw it before I did.
Of course, none of them ever mentioned it, knowing what a sensitive subject it was, but I knew all the same. I could tell in their eyes that there was sympathy and pity there.
She posted it, of course; it didn’t take a genius to work that out, and for her, it had worked. She had been offered TV work on crappy reality shows for a while, and she fully milked her fifteen minutes of fame, making it even harder for me to move on. How could I get on with my own life when the love of my life – however shitty a person she was – was being thrust down my fucking throat at every damn second?
It was impossible, and fucking unbearable.
I hadn't been with anyone since, not even a random girl to screw, and I didn’t feel ready to get back on the horse just yet. I couldn’t trust anyone anymore, and that constantly played on my mind. I couldn’t fuck someone not knowing where it was going to go. I would be freaking out the entire time. Hailey would infect my every, damn thought.
“I just can’t wait to sink a few beers,” I said evasively, gazing out of the window. “I need it after today. That was something else.”
That sparked another conversation about the game, just as I knew it would, which allowed me to get lost in my thoughts once more. I recalled all the good times with Hailey – such as our romantic weekend to California –followed by all the shitty ones – like her smashing my glass coffee table – needing to keep myself warned. The guys were right when they suggested that the girls would be all over us – they always were – but while they didn’t care about their intentions, I definitely did. I refused to be made an idiot of myself again; my guard was well and truly in the upright position.
As we got out of the car, the icy-cold air hit me hard. I was used to freezing, having spent most of my life on the ice, but it did send a little shiver through me regardless. I felt chilled to my spine, which was as sobering and refreshing in equal measures. As a thick blanket of snow started to cover my home town, I felt a sense of peace and happiness. I loved the cold, the winter, and nothing made me feel more comfortable.
“Come on,” Gaz grabbed my arm and dragged me inside. “Coach got the drinks in – let’s take advantage of that.”
Within the first hour, everyone was having one of the greatest nights of their lives. Everyone except me, that was. They were
all enjoying and lapping up the attention of random chicks, whereas it was pissing me off. I had to keep fighting them off me, however much I tried to make it clear that I just wanted to sip my beer in peace. So much so that by the time my second bottle was empty, I decided to make my way home. I just couldn’t stand it for another second longer.
“I’m off, guys,” I called to no one in particular. “See you fuckers later.”
But of course they didn’t even hear me, they were surrounded by tits and that was all they cared about. As soon as boobs came into the picture, there was no bros before hos with this lot.
I rolled my eyes and left them behind, needing a calmer scene. As I wandered outside to hail a cab, I quickly realized that I wasn’t ready to head back to my apartment yet. I didn’t feel good about the thought of sitting in my bedroom alone, but I couldn’t head to my mom’s either. She would welcome me with open arms of course, as we were all that each other had ever since my dad passed away, but I didn’t want to spring my presence on her so late. I knew her routine pretty well by now, and she would be in bed. I might have needed a chat with her, but I wasn’t going to put her out just because I was feeling blue.
So where could I go?
There was only one other option. The only other place that felt like home.
“Buddy’s Ice Rink,” I said to the driver, handing him a random wad of cash.
“You know that it’s shut at this time of night, don’t you?” the guy shot back in a gruff tone of voice.
“I know,” I replied simply. What this guy didn’t know was that Buddy was my mom’s friend, and that I had my own set of keys for emergencies like this one. “Take me there anyway, please.”
I might have been skating for most of the day, but that was stressful, for the game. There was nothing I loved more than skating for fun, just to relax, and I couldn’t think of a better way to round off an emotional rollercoaster of a day.
As soon as my skates hit that ice, I felt my heart rate slow down and my blood pressure lower. All the pent up frustration that I’d built up at the bar ebbed away as I finally enjoyed myself.
It was a stupid thing to get wound up about anyway – women hitting on me was part and parcel of the job.And to be honest, there could be much worse side effects! It was only because of Hailey that I didn’t like it. She had well and truly screwed me up. I used to love it before she came into my life. I was just like Gaz and the others, messing around with fans, having loads of fun.
It had been too long now, a fair few months, and I really needed to think about moving on. I had to start getting over the bullshit that she had put me through, to search for happiness once more. I deserved it. I had a lot of love to give, after all; I just needed to make sure that I would give it to the right person next time.
Was I really deciding to find someone new? Was I actually ready for that? Even if I was, it certainly wouldn’t be a girl at the bar, and I wouldn’t jump into it quickly. I would be smart, cautious, and very careful, ensuring that I’d found someone that I really trust before moving on.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and made the momentous decision to block Hailey from my life completely. I should have done it earlier, but with her small burst of fame, it felt like she was everywhere anyway, and I wanted to be in the know first. I never wanted to be the last to find anything out ever again. But more recently, she had faded into oblivion, which was perfect. Now was the time.
I blocked her from Facebook, and my heart lifted.
I deleted her from Twitter, and a happy sensation filled my stomach.
I clear her phone numbers from my phone book, and I felt a million times lighter.
It was time to stop living my life in her shadow and to get back to the real me. I had spent a very long time being stifled and stressed by this, but I couldn’t anymore. I didn’t want that bitch to have any more control over me. It was time to return to the fun loving Miles I knew that I could be, and if that led to love, then so be it.
God I hope it leads to love.
I was lonely, and I had been for a while, and I felt happy about that prospect of that changing. My mom would be happy too. I knew that she was worried about me. She wouldn’t say it out loud, for fear of stirring up all of those emotions, but I could see it in her eyes regardless.
Fuck you, Hailey, I thought to myself. You aren’t anything to me anymore.
A smile spread across my cheeks as I felt like a massive weight had lifted from my shoulders. Accepting that Hailey had been holding me back was a huge step, and with that worry gone, I felt like I could tackle just about anything.
Chapter 4
Danielle – Friday
I stepped off the plane a few hours later, feeling jetlagged and stressed. I knew that mom was coming to pick me up from the airport, and I wasn’t sure how that reunion would go. It wouldn’t be fun loving and pleasant, of that I could be sure. Things were never particularly horrible between us, but they were always strained, and they would be until I decided not to follow my dreams of becoming a teacher, which would never happen. However pissed off they were with me, I would never back down.
“Danielle?” I heard her shrill voice calling almost right away. “Can we be quick? The car is in the short stay.”
I resisted rolling my eyes at that comment, as if it was my fault that the luggage was being brought out slowly. “I just have to get my suitcase,” I told her quickly. “Let me meet you out at the car.”
As she turned on her heels and stalked away, I felt my heart sink into my shoes. I really didn’t need this.Why didn’t I stay in California with Kim? She definitely would have had me, and we would have had so much fun. Sure, there might have been an awkward time when Spike inevitably came to visit, but I was becoming used to being the third wheel with that pair. Although every time I was with them, I felt my heart ache for that kind of love.
It would have been more fun than this anyway.
I slid into the passenger’s seat, feeling a frostiness coming from the other side of the car already. “Thanks for picking me up,mom,” I started, hoping to defrost her a little bit. “I can’t wait to see the new house.” They hadn't been living there long, and I hadn't even seen pictures of the place yet.
“How’s college?” she shot back quickly, changing the subject entirely. “The er…course going well?”
“It’s fine,” I replied, grumpiness lacing my tone. Why couldn’t she just get it? Why did she have to care so damn much? “When is Cynthia home?” She was the one person that I couldn’t actually wait to see, so the sooner she got there the better, as far as I was concerned.
“She’s back already, actually,” mom said, shocking me. “She came back yesterday and is at the ice hockey game with your dad.”
“Really?!” I couldn’t help but exclaim, unable to see that at all. Cynthia was a real prim and proper girly girl who as far as I knew hated sports. And her long-term boyfriend, Derek, wasn’t a sports fan either,so that couldn’t have been her excuse. “What’s going on with that?”
Mom remain stoically silent, totally ignoring my question, and focusing on the road. I knew that she wouldn’t really share anything about Cynthia – the golden child – with me, but I didn’t really care. I would see her soon enough and she would tell me herself anyway. I had to find out why she was acting so out of character; there had to be something to that. I couldn’t wait to find out, and the intrigue kept me distracted.
Instead, I stared out of the window, and I watched my parent’s new hometown whiz past. It was nice enough, but a little snowy, which filled me with dread. It really was going to be cold, and I sure as hell wasn’t prepared for that. Even my warmest clothes weren’t going to be enough.
As we pulled up at the house, I exclaimed loudly with joy, “Wow,mom, this place is amazing. Much bigger than your old place.” I might have missed the home that I grew up in, but that ebbed away as I started to understand why they’d chosen to move. I knew it had something to do with my dad getting a new job
too, but I was certain that the house had a lot to do with it. It was gorgeous, despite the snow everywhere.
“It is nice, isn’t it?” she smiled for the first time. “We love it anyway. You and your sister have a pretty big room too, so you can come and stay whenever you like.”
“Wow.Thanks.” I didn’t really know what to say about that one;it felt a little emotional. I hadn't expected to be considered at all in the move.“Shall we go in?”
After the grand tour of the home, I started to settle myself in the room. It was decorated in a very white and boring way, but it would do for the time being. I was more used to knick knacks and general stuff everywhere, so this would never feel like a room chosen for me, but I was happy with it all the same. I was glad that we would be sharing a room too because I’d gotten so used to constantly having people around at college. I wasn’t sure how I would cope with the quiet.
“Hey, Dani!” Her familiar, warm voice burst into the room, and I squealed with excitement. I jumped on her, wrapping her up in my arms, and hugged her tightly. It might have only been a few months since we saw one another last, but it felt like forever. “How are you doing? What do you think of the house? Crazy right?”
“Yeah, it’s nice,” I agreed. “But I don’t want to talk about that. Tell me about you.What have you been up to?”
She looked good, I noticed that right away. She had pale, blonde hair and green eyes that matched mine, but she was taller and much slimmer, whereas I had a curvier figure. You could tell from a mile away that we were sisters, but we were different enough to identify too.