by Naomi Niles
After hunting for a short while, I printed out a selection of information with regards to the teaching courses that were available at the nearby colleges, and I actually felt pretty good about it. It seemed like there were some truly amazing lecturers around and that the courses led to a lot of opportunities, which could only be a good thing. I was certain that Danielle had an awesome course sorted in San Diego, but I wasn’t convinced that it had all the same things to offer as some of these did.
I examined the printed out bits of paper with a big smile on my face, excited to get the chance to show her…but then an image of her face filled my mind, and in it, she was giving me the same look that she gave her parents. The one that showed disappointment as they tried to control her life and to turn her into someone that they wanted her to be. I really didn’t want to be that; I wanted to be more…better. I wanted to be the person who she could turn to when the world was shit, I didn’t want to be the person causing her any heartache.
With that, I tore the paper up and I chucked it in the bin, shaking my head at my own stupidity. Danielle shouldn’t have to change her life for me, and I definitely shouldn’t suggest it. I wouldn’t want to taint what we could have in the future because I felt impatient. Who knew?This really could be the woman that I ended up marrying and spending the rest of my life with, and if that was the case, then this short time, this year and a half, wouldn’t seem like anything in the long run. It would be such a short time in the length of our lifetime, and I needed to keep that in mind.
The doorbell blasted out, shaking me from my thoughts, and I answered it quickly to see the pizza guy there. Once I’d paid him and I had the food in my hands, I took a glance around my apartment, feeling lonelier than ever. None of what I had felt worth it without someone to share it with.
I picked up my phone and dialed Coach Jordan’s number, needing some sort of clarity on when I would be able to see Danielle again. The more that I thought about it, the more I regretted listening to her and not going to say goodbye to her at the airport, and I really wanted to see her again – sooner rather than later.
“Hello?” he answered sharply. “Miles, you okay?”
He always expected the worst when I called him, which made me delve into my issues pretty quickly. “Coach, I just want to know when I have a couple of days off next. I have a trip that I need to make, and I need a little time to do that.” I didn’t want to go into too much detail when I’d promised to keep away from girls, so I just had to hope that would be enough.
“Erm, Monday and Tuesday of next week,” he confirmed, luckily not asking too much of me. “That okay?”
“Yeah,” I grinned to myself, instantly planning my first trip to California. “Sounds good, thanks.”
As I hung up the phone, I logged straight back onto the Internet, looking at plane tickets. I would surprise her and we would have an awesome time together. Proving to the both of us that we could make it work.
I felt a lot better about everything as I started to get excited about seeing Danielle once more. Maybe we would be able to overcome the obstacles and make this work. That was what I really wanted to happen, and I got the distinct impression that she did too. If we fought hard enough, and worked with enough determination, then everything would be okay.
I held my phone in my hands for a few seconds, wondering if I should give her a call. I didn’t intend to tell her everything about my planned visit, but I did desperately want to hear her voice. Then again, I knew that she would likely to be very jetlagged and probably settling back into her college life, and she probably needed a bit of space to do that.
Just be patient, I told myself, dropping my phone back onto the side. Everything is going to be okay. Just give it some time.
Chapter 34
Danielle – Thursday
The emotion was choking me as I said goodbye to my mom at the airport. I felt like things had changed so much from the awkwardness when she was picking me up. Things were clearer between us now, and that felt much better. There wouldn’t be any more pressure coming from her for me to become a doctor – even if that was still what she wanted –and that felt great.
I was finally starting to feel like I wasn’t the black sheep of the family anymore, and that was amazing to me.
“You’ll come and visit soon, won’t you?” she asked kindly, pulling me in for a deep hug. “You’re always more than welcome.”
“I will,mom, thanks,” I replied, the emotion starting to choke me up.
This was the reason that I didn’t want Miles to come and say goodbye to me at the airport. I knew that there wouldn’t be anywhere for me to hide my emotions, and I certainly didn’t want to be seen having a breakdown – he would end up thinking that I was a crazy person, not worth spending any more time with.
Although the more that I thought about it, the more that I wished he was by my side, hugging me and holding me close.
“I better get going,” mom eventually pulled back to look at me. “The car parking runs out soon.”
“Don’t worry, I need to get through security anyway,” I grinned brightly as I stepped back, wiping the odd, stray tear away. “But thanks for having me stay,mom, I’ve had a really good time. I’ll see you soon.”
I turned and stalked off, not wanting her to see me weep, and I left her behind without looking back once. Of course I was upset to leave her behind now that we were on much better terms, but in all honesty, it was the entire thing that was driving me to tears. I had really just been through the best holiday of my entire damn life, and it was gutting to say goodbye to that. I knew that me and Miles had planned to meet up again and to keep us going, but there was no denying that things wouldn’t be the same ever again.
As the announcement rang out that my plane was boarding, I hurried myself along, not wanting to be late, and as I moved through the crowds, I tried my best to distract myself with thoughts of what it would be like to get back to college and to my ‘other life’.
*****
The flight wasn’t a long one, which didn’t give me nearly enough time to adjust to San Diego, so as soon as I stepped off the plane, I instantly sent a text to Miles, wanting him to know that I was still thinking about him.
‘I’ve landed now, about to head back to my dorm. I miss you already and I’m looking forward to arranging our next meeting!’
I hadn't even slid my phone back into my pocket by the time the reply from him rang through, making me grin to myself – at least he was still thinking of me too.
‘Glad you’re okay, hope the sunshine is lovely! Miss you.’
“Hey, Danielle!” I heard a familiar voice ringing out over the crowds. “How are you?”
My eyes flickered up to see my best friend, Kim, waving frantically at me, reminding me that she promised to pick me up as soon as I got back. She was going to assume that I had been through a horrible time, and it was going to be really strange to admit to her that I’d been totally wrong about Minnesota, and that it was actually a whole lot of fun.
“Hey, Kim, how’s it going?” I could already see that she was flashing her left hand at me, and my heart flickered wildly as I saw something glinting off of one of her fingers – the sort of thing that could only have one meaning. “Is that a ring?” I gasped out in shock, grabbing her arm as soon as she was near enough to me.
“Spike proposed to me on Christmas day!”
After cheering and yelling in excitement, spinning around like giddy school girls for a few moments, another thought struck me like lightening, like a bolt to my chest. If Kim was engaged, it was unlikely that she was going to want to continue living with me. That was a grown up decision, and she would probably want to move on because of that.
“Come on,” Kim grinned, completely oblivious to my inner turmoil. “Let’s go.”
As we stepped into the car, I allowed my mind to wander as Kim went through every romantic detail of the proposal. It took the wind out of my sails when it came to my own announcement, and
it also made me reevaluate everything too. If Kim was going to leave my side, then I honestly wasn’t sure that I would enjoy the experience of being at college so much. It wasn’t that I totally relied on her for my social life, but she was the confident outgoing one.Without her, I might just lock myself away in my room and never see anyone again.
That made me feel really miserable. Without Kim, without Cynthia, without Miles, I felt lost. I had no idea how I was going to make this life in California work for the next eighteen months.
“So, we’re thinking about heading out tonight to celebrate,” she suddenly said, bringing my attention back into the present moment. “Are you up for that? It should be fun.”
“Of course,” I forced a fake smile across my face. “Of course I want to celebrate with you; that will be awesome.” But of course I felt totally different inside. I didn’t want to go out partying, not without Miles. It would feel too weird.
In fact, everything felt strange without him.
*****
I had hoped that by the time we were out at the student bar, my mood would have lifted, but it hadn't. I had got myself dressed up in a nice top and skirt, complete with one of my favorite pairs of high heels. I’d even done my hair and made my face up perfectly, but the fact that Miles wasn’t by my side had left an empty hole in my heart.
I held my phone up, wanting to message him, but I didn’t want to let him know how depressed I was either. I didn’t want him to think that I couldn’t last one day without him, even if that was dangerously close to the truth.
“Hey,” Kim called, swaying as she moved nearer to me, clearly a little tipsy. “Danielle, what’s going on with you? You’re all…quiet?”
“I’m not!” I insisted, not wanting to do anything to spoil her and Spike’s special night, but she was already shaking her head at me, and I knew that she wouldn’t let it go until she got it out of me. “Okay, I’m really happy for you,” I told her, pulling her in for another hug. “But I guess I’m worrying about you moving out. Of course you’re going to want to live with your fiancé, but I guess it’s just a bit of a shock.”
I pouted out my lip, wanting her to know that I was half joking, but she simply gave me a sad look in return.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do yet,” she told me. “I haven’t decided on anything.”
“I don’t want to hold you back,” I insisted. “I want you to do whatever makes you happy, but…well, I guess there has just been a lot of changes recently and it’s all leaving me a little confused about my future.”
“What?” she asked, stepping closer to me as she gave me a confused look. I guessed that I wasn’t making a lot of sense, so I tried my best to explain myself a little better.
“I met someone,” I admitted. “Someone that I was supposed to only be having a bit of fun with, but that I managed to develop feelings for.” Even speaking about Miles brought a huge smile to my face, which Kim instantly picked up on. “I don’t know what it is about him, but he makes me feel really special, like no one ever has done before.”
“Who is it? What’s his name? What does he do?” Kim fired a whole range of questions at me, making me laugh at her instance to know everything.
“He’s a professional hockey player, and his name is Miles Richardson.” With that, I pulled my phone out to show her a photograph of him. As I flicked through the pictures of me and him together, I felt my heart flicker wildly in my chest. There really was something so special about him, and I didn’t want to allow that to slip through my fingers for a life that didn’t necessarily make me happy anymore.
I still wanted to be a teacher, I still wanted to live out that dream, but did I really have to finish it here? Sure, I loved California, and a part of me would always feel at home there, but now that everything was changing, maybe it was time for me to make some changes too.
As Kim gushed about how gorgeous Miles was, I allowed my imagination to go into overdrive. Didn’t Cynthia say something about transferring my course to another college? Would that actually be possible? Could I return to Minnesota more permanently after all? Of course I would miss my friends and the life that I’d made there, but everyone else was moving forward, and I really didn’t want to be left behind. I could come and visit whenever I wanted, after all.
I glanced around the student bar, remembering how much I loved this life before I left, but now it felt really empty, and I wasn’t sure that I would ever be able to get that excitement for California back.
“Oops, sorry!” Kim giggled as she spotted her fiancé across the dance floor. “Spike wants me; I’ll be back in a minute.”
A happiness shone in her eyes as she worked her way over to him, and I found myself craving that too. There was such a clear love between them, and I knew that was within my reach too, if only I would be brave enough to grab onto it with both hands.
Needing to take action while the thought was still in my mind, I did a little research on the colleges in Minnesota, trying to look up what the teaching courses were like, and while they looked amazing, I didn’t know if they would take transfers. I fired off a couple of emails to the colleges, just asking if they would before I could freak myself out about the idea, and as soon as they were gone, I felt a little lighter. I certainly wasn’t one hundred percent sure what my next move was going to be, but I really liked the idea of having options.
Maybe I would decide to stay in California to finish out my course, giving me the freedom to see if me and Miles would be able to come something real, but maybe I would go and live with my parents for a while, completing my course in Minnesota instead. That would be easier now that they had backed off with regards to my life decision, and it would allow me to see how things could really turn out with Miles.It would give us a real shot.
The question was: did I follow my head or my heart? What was going to be the best thing for me? For us?
Chapter 35
Miles – Monday
As I moved along the ice with precision, I felt on top of the damn world. I was happier than I’d ever been before, and I felt like I’d proven to myself that I can easily balance a relationship and my career – there didn’t need to be all of the issues that I’d presumed beforehand.
I felt like the reason Danielle had been impacting my game before was because I didn’t know where I stood. The thought of having to say goodbye to her was distracting me, and now that I knew we were going to find a way to work things out, I was actually okay with it. It helped that we were constantly messaging back and forth and talking on the phone at least once a day, because being involved in one another’s lives was making the distance that much easier to cope with.
She still didn’t know that I was coming, and I couldn’t wait to see her face when I surprised her. I hoped that she would be over the moon about it, and that we would go on to have a really nice time. I knew that she was busy, but I was pretty sure that she would have enough of a gap to be able to fit me in.
I saw out of the corner of my eye that Gaz was about to tackle me, and because I was really on it today, I could move out of the way before he could even get near me, frustrating him endlessly.
“Fuck!” I heard him yell behind me, making me grin wildly to myself. I was fucking nailing it today and that was obvious to everyone.
By the time I slammed the puck in the back of the net once more, Coach was satisfied enough to put an end to it.
“Okay, gang, good practice, I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” he said causally, making my heart flutter with annoyance. We had already discussed this, tomorrow was a break in the schedule and that was why I booked the plane tickets! I was going to California, damnit! I’d been looking forward to it for far too long.
“Wait, there isn’t anything tomorrow,” I intervened, not even caring if I pissed him off. “I booked a trip away. I called you, remember?”
“Oh yeah, where are you going?” he asked me a little casually.
This was the part that I wasn’t keen on telling
him. I didn’t think that he was going to react too well to being told that I was breaking his terms that he’d set for me. I hoped and prayed that the kick-ass performance I’d just pulled off was going to be a positive influence on his reaction.
“I’m going to see a girl,” I admitted. “My girlfriend.”
He gave me a glare, one that sent a cold chill racing right through me, but I made my head hold up high. I wouldn’t back down this time, not when it came to me and Danielle. We had fought hard enough to get to where we were, I wasn’t about to let Coach Jordan drag us back down all over again.
“Really?” he gasped, trying his best to stare me down.“After everything?”
“This isn’t someone that I’m willing to lose,” I told him seriously. “This isn’t just another girl. This is someone serious, and I need to do this.”
He didn’t look happy about it, but eventually Coach nodded sharply, giving me the permission that I needed.
“I want this woman in my life, but I will find a way to make it work,” I reassured him happily. “There won’t be any more issues, I can assure you of that.”
“Right,” he replied gruffly. “That’s fine. I’ll see you when you get back then.”
With that, I quickly made my way home to shower and pack up my shit. All the while, the excitement grew and intensified inside of me until I felt like it might burst out of my chest at any given moment. It hadn't actually been that long since we’d last seen one another, but after knowing that she was just across the other side of the lake, and that we could see each other at any given moment, it really felt like a lifetime.
I took a second to scan through the photographs that we’d taken together, just looking at the happiness shining through our eyes in each and every one. We made each other happy, we made each other better and that just filled me with determination to do whatever it took to make that work.