by Naomi Niles
Dylan took a deep breath and I knew what he was going to say before he said it. “I know Maddie,” he said and his aura of calm fell away.
My heart was beating fast but I kept my face clear of emotion. “You know what?”
“I know you’re pregnant,” Dylan said. “And I know you’re far enough along that …”
“That what?” I demanded.
“That the baby could be mine,” he said at last. “Is it?”
I just stared at him, trying to remember all the reasons I was doing this in the first place.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Dylan
“Lizzie?” I said again when she didn’t say anything.
Her face was impassive at first and then slowly I saw the worry flit through her eyes before she composed herself. She looked me straight in the eyes. “The baby is not yours,” she said.
I blinked at her a couple of times and tried to understand the words she was saying, but it just didn’t make sense. I had been so sure; I had been so confident that she would tell me the exact opposite. I was feeling so many things in that moment that I could barely hold on.
“You’re sure?”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Lizzie said abruptly as she got up and walked out of the parlor. I ran out after her but she kept walking without waiting for me to catch up.
“Lizzie!” I called out after her. “Come back here … please. I need to talk to you.”
She whirled around to face me and her expression was fierce and flushed. “I don’t want to talk,” she said passionately. “I really, really don’t want to talk.”
I was about to insist a little harder but she looked so tired and so … alone somehow. It was as though she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and she just needed a moment of rest. Curiosity burned fiercely inside me but I knew I couldn’t push her if she didn’t want to open up to me. I also knew that I couldn’t leave her here, not now.
“Ok,” I sighed. “Ok, we don’t need to talk; let’s go somewhere.”
She seemed taken back by that. “Where?”
“How about … the football field where I used to play in high school?” I suggested. “I haven’t been there in over a decade.”
I thought for a moment that she was going to turn me down but then she nodded once. “All right,” she said. “Let’s go.”
We walked back to my bike and rode there. I helped her off, put away the helmets, and then we walked onto the outskirts of the field where the track was. I wanted to reach out and take her hand but I knew from the set of her spine that she wasn’t ready for that kind of contact yet.
I tried to start up a conversation, but every question on my lips was directed at her pregnancy and her plans for the future. I knew if I pushed it she would just leave and I would worse off than when I started the conversation. So I mustered every ounce of patience I possessed and I tried to think of a safe topic to broach.
“I’m officially out of the Navy,” I told her casually.
She gave me a small, distracted smile. “Your mother must be over the moon.”
“Oh she is,” I nodded. “I know it may be hard to believe, but I’m pretty glad myself.”
“Of course,” Lizzie nodded easily. “Now you have the time to focus on the rehab center.”
She said it as though it were inevitable and the way she said made me believe that it was. She had always had the ability to make me feel as though I could accomplish anything. Ironically, she had been the reason I had felt like I could get through the Navy training process. As strenuous and as hard as it was, it had been Lizzie’s voice in my head that had spurred me forward.
“I suppose,” I nodded. “I’m thinking of selling the land that dad left me so that I can invest in an appropriate piece of property.”
“Where are you looking to invest in?” Lizzie asked.
I hesitated. “I don’t know,” I replied. “Maybe Bastrop, maybe somewhere else … I haven’t decided anything yet.”
She nodded and I couldn’t help but glance at her every few seconds. She was wearing light blue jeans and a white, billowy blouse that set a nice contrast against her silky red hair. She certainly didn’t look pregnant. She just looked beautiful.
“Have you been playing the keyboard much?” I asked.
“Quite a bit actually,” Lizzie nodded. “I’ve actually started writing some music too. I’ve just been feeling inspired lately I guess.”
“That’s great,” I said. “I’m glad you’re getting back into music.”
“Thank you for the keyboard,” she said softly. “It’s the most thoughtful gift anyone has ever got me.”
“It was my pleasure,” I told her honestly. “Truly.”
She gave me a shy smile and I felt my body yearn for hers. I wanted to reach out and touch her, I wanted to pull her to me and kiss her. Her pregnancy didn’t even factor into it. I still desired her in the same way; I still loved her the same way. Even if the child wasn’t mine, it was still hers and that meant something to me.
“How are things at the bar?” I asked trying to keep the conversation going.
“I quit yesterday,” Lizzie replied.
“You quit?” I asked in surprise. “Why?”
“There was another fight last night,” Lizzie started.
“Was it Paul?” I asked before she could continue.
“No, no,” she said hurriedly. “He’s stayed away from me ever since he got hit with the restraining order. I haven’t had any trouble from him in the last few months. It was just a random fight between a bunch of drunk guys. Anyway I tried to break it up and I ended up getting pushed into a table. I’m ok, nothing happened, but it made me realize that I needed to protect my child. And working in a bar is not exactly a conducive environment for a pregnant woman.”
I registered the warmth in her voice when she spoke of her child. It was strange to think that she was really going to have a baby and it was even stranger to think that that baby was not mine. I stopped walking and Lizzie turned to look at me.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I’m sorry … I’m trying to be sensitive but … I just have to know …”
“What do you want to know?” Lizzie asked calmly.
“Are you still with the baby’s father?” I asked and the words tasted bitter coming out of my mouth. I hated the idea of Lizzie with another man; it rankled further knowing she had created a life with this stranger.
“No,” Lizzie said. “He was a guy who was passing through town. You had just left and I was lonely; we spent a couple of nights together and then he left town. And a few months later, I found out I was pregnant.”
“Did you tell him?”
“Yes,” Lizzie nodded. “He’s not going to be involved in the baby’s life, which is fine by me.”
“You’re really ok with that?”
“Yes I am,” Lizzie replied and I could tell that she was telling the truth. “I know I haven’t done many of the things I wanted to do when I was younger, but maybe I just wasn’t meant for those kinds of adventures. Maybe this was always the adventure I was meant for.”
“You’ll make an amazing mother,” I said softly.
She smiled and her blue eyes lit up at the compliment. “You really think so?”
“I know so,” I nodded fervently.
I could feel our bodies leaning in towards each other instinctively and evidently she sensed the same thing, because she pulled back abruptly and cleared her throat. “I should get home,” she said. “I’m a little tired and I need to rest.”
“Can I come with you?” I asked. She looked at me questioningly and I realized I couldn’t pretend any longer. “I’m not ready to say goodbye to you just yet.”
She nodded and we headed back to her apartment. Her cat greeted us at the door and he seemed to recognize me from the last time. I scratched him behind the ears as Lizzie went and got his dinner ready. Afterwards she joined me on the couch but she
made sure to sit on the opposite end so that we were nowhere near close to touching one another.
We just sat there, staring at one another, waiting for the other one to say something and break the pregnant silence. I could feel the atmosphere change and in that moment everything became clear to me. I had been chasing all the wrong things this whole time. The one thing, the only thing that mattered was Lizzie. And the moment my mind had made that one irrevocable truth, my path forward was clear.
I leaned in, grabbed Lizzie around the waist and I pulled her towards me until she was practically sitting on my lap. She struggled against me slightly but I held her firmly in place. “Dylan …” she said warningly.
“I want to spend the night with you,” I said cutting her off. “I want to stay with you.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Elizabeth
He looked so beautiful, so masculine and sensual sitting there on my couch that it was impossible for me not to want him. I sat as far away from him as I could manage, but it didn’t seem to matter. The air was cut with daggers of passion and I could sense his desire for me as powerfully as I could sense my desire for him.
I knew he was hurting from what I had told him before and it hurt me to give voice to the lie but I knew this was the only way I could protect him. He had given up so much of his life, he had been fighting for so long that he deserved this respite from life. I didn’t want him to be saddled with a wife and child he wasn’t ready for.
I remembered that conversation we had had the day we had walked through the cemetery to see his father. He had told me then that he needed more time before he married and had children. He needed time to breathe and think so that he didn’t carry all the baggage of the last decade into those new relationships. How could I know all that and still tell him? I knew I couldn’t.
He was watching me intently and I noticed his eyes flit to my belly from time to time. Then, all of a sudden he reached out and grabbed me by the waist and pulled me towards him until we were pressed together on my sofa. I pushed against him half-heartedly, loving the feel of him against me and hating how much I wanted to stay there.
“Dylan …”
“I want to spend the night with you,” he said abruptly, taking me by surprise. “I want to stay with you.”
I froze for a second. “That’s not a good idea, Dylan,” I said breathlessly as I pushed myself off of him to my feet.
“Why not?” he asked as he mimicked my action and rose from the sofa too.
I looked at him in shock. “Have you forgotten that I’m carrying another man’s child?”
“I haven’t forgotten,” Dylan said calmly. “I just don’t care.”
“You … don’t care?” I repeated incredulously.
I felt tears crowded out my voice and I stumbled over my own words. I didn’t know what he wanted from me. Was he asking for a roll in the hay before he left forever and pursued his dreams? Was he asking for a relationship despite my condition? Was he just playing some cruel joke on me? I didn’t know and for the first time in my pregnancy I felt my hormones charge through my body, removing all composure from my faculties.
I turned and ran into the bathroom adjoining my bedroom and slammed the door on Dylan and the whole conversation. I sobbed uncontrollably for a while until my body had calmed down slightly. I was aware that Dylan was standing right outside the bathroom door but I had no intention of letting him in.
“Lizzie?” his voice was soft and imploring. “Lizzie … will you please come out here?”
I said nothing.
“Lizzie … I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Dylan went on. “I wasn’t clear back there. I want to explain to you what I mean and I would prefer to do it face to face. Can you please come out?”
“No,” I said, hearing the watery crack in my voice.
“Ok,” Dylan said with a sigh in his voice. “Ok then I’ll have to tell you like this.”
Unable to stop myself, I inched towards the closed door and leaned against it, with my ear pressed against the wood. I could almost sense Dylan leaning towards me in the same way on the opposite side.
“Lizzie …when I said I wanted to spend the night with you … I wasn’t talking about just one night,” Dylan said, his voice was gentle and serious. “I was talking about every night after this. And yes, I understand you’re pregnant with another man’s child but like I said … I don’t care. I guess I realized that what I want for my future doesn’t revolve around a place or a career: it revolves around you.
“I want to be with you, Lizzie … I’ve loved you since I was twelve years old and I don’t think I’ve ever stopped. I think we have a real chance of making it work this time. I’ve grown up since then and I know what is most important in life and I’m never going to take it for granted again. I want to stay with you, I want to raise this child with you, and I want to build a life with you. I love you, Lizzie Miller; I’ve always loved you and I’m never going to stop.”
I listened intently but I could barely believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. It seemed unbelievable to me.
“Lizzie,” his voice was tainted with uncertainty.
I took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door. He smiled but I could tell he was still not sure what to do. He wasn’t sure how I had taken his speech.
“You want to raise this child with me?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said without missing a beat.
“Why?”
“Why?” he repeated.
“Is it because you feel … honor bound in some way to protect me; is this just a case of ‘I’ll marry you because the man who knocked you up wouldn’t?’”
“Of course not,” he said passionately. “I’m not trying to protect your honor or save you in any way. I want to be with you for purely selfish reasons. I want to be with you because I’ve realized that it is the only way I can be happy.”
“You told me you weren’t ready to get married just yet,” I reminded him. “You told me you weren’t ready to have children.”
“What the hell do I know?” Dylan said. “I’ve made so many mistakes I can’t even keep count of them anymore. But I won’t let you get away again. I love you and that means I love the child you’re carrying. I’m not saying I’m going to be a perfect father, but I’m sure as hell gonna try.”
I felt my face break out into an uncontrollable smile. “You really want to be with me despite everything?”
“Of course,” Dylan said breathlessly. “Of course—”
I jumped into his arms mid-sentence and he grabbed me just in time. I hugged him hard and he kissed the top of my head. I pulled back a little to look at his face. “You’re serious,” I said in amazement.
“I am a thousand percent serious,” Dylan laughed.
“I love you, Dylan,” I cried and instantly I felt a hundred pounds lighter. It felt almost as though I was floating.
“I love you,” he replied, looking me in the eye. “You’re going to have to help me, I don’t know how the process of adoption works; do we need to wait till the baby is born or can I apply for adoption right now?”
“You … want to adopt my baby?” I asked.
“I don’t want to be the step-father,” Dylan said passionately. “As far as I’m concerned, that child is mine.”
I smiled at him and shook my head in amazement.
“What?” he asked looking puzzled.
I felt my eyes watering up but I swallowed hard and powered through. “I have something to tell you, Dylan,” I started slowly.
“Go ahead,” he nodded without letting go of me.
“You don’t have to file for adoption,” I said.
“You don’t want me to?” Dylan asked and I saw the crease of hurt in his brows.
“No it’s not that,” I assured him. “You don’t have to file for adoption because … the baby is yours. There was no other guy … there was no one-night stand. I lied.”
Dylan took a shocked step back. “I�
��m… the father?”
“Yes,” I said. “You’re the father. There was never anyone but you.”
“Why …”
“I didn’t want you to feel trapped,” I said trying to keep my tears in check. “I didn’t want you to feel like you had to stay in Bastrop and marry me because of the baby. I wanted you to have the choice. I wanted you to be with me for me.”
Dylan looked shell-shocked. He stared at me for a long time and for a moment I thought he was angry. But then he took a step towards me and placed his hand on my small protruding belly. “You’re carrying my baby?”
I nodded.
His face split open in a wide smile that was pure, unadulterated joy. “I knew it,” he said and I laughed out loud. He grabbed me again and kissed me hard on the lips. I felt myself melt into him, ready to feel him inside me again. I felt his hands slip underneath my blouse as he gently pushed me back onto the bed.
He pulled off my blouse and unhooked my bra. I felt a moment of self-consciousness and then it melted away as I looked into his clear, blue eyes. He explored my new body, cupping my fuller breasts gently and running his fingers over the small bump of my belly. He pulled my pants off slowly, deliberately, and then undressed as I lay in bed waiting for him.
He eased himself on top of me so that his whole weight was not resting on my body and kissed me until I was wet and ready for him. Our hands were entwined together over my head as he slid inside me. He was gentle, careful, and thoughtful but there was urgency in the way he kissed me and squeezed my hand that told me the depth of his desire for me.
He made love to me twice that night in several different positions and each time I felt our bond solidify, as though we were finally cementing our commitment to one another. We were agreeing to do it right this time, not just for ourselves but also for our child. It wasn’t just the two of us anymore. We were a family now.
For the first time in over a decade, I felt whole.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Elizabeth
One Month Later