by Persadia
The game is also much easier than reality. It takes forever to learn new skills during the sessions on the Islands, but with Jax it goes much quicker. In some of the game modes I sometimes earn new features for Jax that let him do attacks that are unreal. Literally. One of the first attacks that I unlocked is called 'Trance' and it lets Jax put his opponent into a hypnotic state for a while which makes it much easier for Jax to finish his opponent. But like all attacks it costs physical energy and mental attacks like 'Trance' also reduce Jax’ Essenchi. But if he is successful, then his need for status gets satisfied which recharges his Essenchi. That is similar to how the fights in Crystal Cave work. So in many ways, Jax and I are alike.
I play so often that Jax ages quickly. Apparently all animals age and they get weaker in some attacks when they age and are more efficient with other attacks. In the end they are not useful any more. And the same faith hits Jax. I’d have to choose a new animal but I still feel really attached to Jax.
So I accept Vijay’s invitation instead and play with him as a team in multiplayer mode. We cheat a little and directly start in The Grand Tournament of Persadia which takes place in an exact virtual replica of the actual arena. Even Lee and Yo-Yo show up in the arena but their voices and personalities are extremely altered, which makes me wonder if they and the Holo Holo Nalii League of Persadia know about this game. Anyway, we even play as Nux and Zaha and use Cryos and Nonga but this time the two fight as a team. Our opponents are really strong, so we lose. And needless to say, the arena is obliterated after the battle of the four monsters is over. I’m glad it was all virtual because I would have fled the arena screaming if this had been the real final.
Vijay and I often communicate over TNOP and INOP or directly in the game. We usually don’t see each other in reality but he has this new game that he really wants me to try and we need to hongi so he can upload it into my CEBOS. First I think that it’s an extension of Holo Holo Nalii for CEBOS of some sorts because he says the new game is also unauthorized. But this new game is entirely different. As it turns out he, some of his fellow AS, and learners from other institutions similar to Cosmo’s Islands all over Persadia were inspired by Holo Holo Nalii for CEBOS and created their own game. Vijay continues to surprise me. He never seemed interested in what Cosmo’s Islands had to offer but he definitely paid attention in mental engineering sessions.
The game is quite impressive. The idea was to recreate the experience of Crystal Cave. He and his fellow engineers named it Kumu Hanalii for CEBOS. They were inspired by Holo Holo Nalii, which is basically using animals, albeit often radically enhanced animals, to fight each other. Kumu Hanalii uses matter and mental connections to fight directly, without animals. So it’s what we used to do in reality in Crystal Cave but without actually putting ourselves in danger. And the game allows me to use all kinds of elements, not just the 'liquid of creation'. It also takes me to many different places on Persadia. The more available elements there are to use, the more interesting the fights. Therefore Element Islands would be a perfect place but Vijay refused to virtually recreate Cosmo’s Islands for the game, even though learners at other institutions were really pushing him. Among all of Persadia’s institutions for future Creators, Cosmo’s Islands seems to be one of the most desirable ones. Vijay didn’t explain why he refused to include his home in the game but I suspect it is because of Ravi. It would bring Ravi to tears if he knew that people are fighting each other on his beloved islands. And despite all their differences, Ravi and Vijay are twins who deeply respect each other.
We often play in groups with people from different institutions. All the teamwork lets us bond quickly and I get to make friends from all over Persadia. It's weird that my new virtual friends are gone when I have to return to reality. I mean, they exist in reality as well but I'll probably never meet them.
What the game lacks is an end goal. The fights are stunningly simulated and connecting to matter in the game works and feels like connecting to matter in reality. But there is no tournament you can win, so most of the time I team up with other people and fight until I run out of Essenchi and physical energy. It’s fun but it’s not the same like reality and I really missed my nightly sessions with the AS. I don’t feel physically exhausted after playing the game. My head is sore but my muscles are not. And yet, I never leave the dorm at night to sneak into Crystal Cave. I’m too scared that I will get caught.
Weirdly enough, I never get caught skipping sessions, which is all the more surprising considering that I do it so often. I’m losing myself in all the virtual worlds that are so more rewarding than reality. I usually play during the night when everyone else is playing, then sleep until late afternoon, eat a breakfast fruit and some juice in the Springtreegrove before I take my daily dose of Meditosis with Ravi, have dinner, and then play again.
Sometimes I wake up when all the other learners around me get up and leave for their sessions. Then I see the blue light twirling beside my bed from the corners of my eyes and it stays there until I directly look at it. Then it flies past all the other Nightstones towards the ramp which connects all the levels of the dorm. There it disappears in the morning sun shining through the opening in the ceiling. I think the blue light wants me to go to more sessions. But none of the other learners around me seem to be able to see it. I’m probably just dreaming.
On the few days that I go to a session, I still play during the night and get some sleep during Meditosis. Since I started playing all the games, the fact that I’m going to Meditosis sessions doesn’t make sense. My need for revenge gets satisfied every night for hours and no amount of meditation on the absurdity of violence could make me dislike all those joyful memories. Nevertheless, I still don’t want to give up on Meditosis because Pax is still quietly lingering in my thoughts. Considering how good I am now in fighting other people with all kinds of attacks, I don’t want to imagine my reaction if Pax threatens me again. But I know it would be violent and I would definitely get darkened with her. I just hope she doesn’t show up before her Darkening.
Slowly but surely my first cycle at Cosmo’s Islands is coming to a close. A few more weeks to endure until Pax will be darkened and I will be free.
Islanders tend to be optimistic people who are grateful to be here, but the closer we get to Cosmoday, the more anxious all Islanders get. Some stop eating, some even cry, and all hone their skills constantly. Cosmo's Islands becomes completely consumed by the impeding day of its founder and I can't really say that I understand all the self-imposed stress everybody is suffering. The only difference between Cosmoday and any other day is that everybody has the chance to earn a badge directly from Cosmo. Badges are used to measure the progress of all learners and they are given out many times every day by the mentors of each session. I've collected a few, but I'm not as obsessed with them as most Islanders are. They tend to use badges as the only measure of their personal success and every time they earn a badge, they feel valued. I don't feel it as much.
I spend my days going to a few sessions, then Meditosis, and then playing Holo Holo Nalii or Kumu Hanalii at night. But I’m also growing tired of the games. Lately, I have used a few evenings to think about what I’m doing, about all the distraction I’m giving myself in order to not have to deal with the real issue. Like on this drizzly, grey evening around sunset. Aziz and I are sitting on top of the rocks that form Maze Island. Fogmountains behind us is slowly disappearing into the night.
"If I’m honest, I still love her. I really shouldn’t, I know. Still, even after all what has happened, there is something that feels so good about being close to her. It's like she is everywhere around me. I see her every time the wind blows through someone’s hair. I smell her every time I walk past a cherry tree. I feel her every time I touch someone’s soft skin. I hear her every time someone laughs. And I taste her, well… I still don’t know what she tastes like.
During the first few weeks after our fight, I used to mentally prepare myself before I went to a session w
hen I knew she might show up. And as nervous, sad, and agitated as I was, the mere thought of being close to her made me happy. In the rare instances where she actually showed up, I had to force myself to not constantly look at her. I couldn’t even look at her feet or the top of her head. So I forced myself to not look into her direction at all. I did it to forget her but all I did while I was trying to forget her was remembering her. Sometimes I managed to keep my eyes off her during the entire session but mostly I didn’t.
And then there were times when I teared up right in the middle of the session. Breathing got harder while I was trying not to break. I could feel the tears growing in my eyes and before they ran down my cheeks, I started rubbing my eyes, pretending something flew into my eyes. Then I stood up and left. I wanted to regain control of my emotions. But I couldn’t control myself. I had to cry, in private, I just couldn’t hold it in. I went somewhere private and tried to calm myself down. I tried to suppress my feelings, to force my tears back into my body but I started feeling dizzy. Then I simply stared at… I don’t know what. I forced myself not to think because every time I did, I thought of her — and it hurt. So I just stopped thinking and felt the dizziness drizzling over my mind again. Hours passed like this.
I can’t think clearly anymore. My progress suffers. My mental health suffers. I have to get a handle on this. I need to get rid of her. I’m trying not to think about her. But all I do is fail.
Nowadays, I try to avoid all sessions she might go to because seeing her, or even running into her on the Islands, hurts too much. It doesn’t happen often but I still bump into her from time to time. The other day, I was heading to Maze Island and suddenly she stood in front of me. Neither of us saw it coming. I looked at the ground and wanted to turn around when she started talking to me. It was the first time I’d heard her voice since our fight. She had started apologizing and I wanted to listen but my legs walked away. She didn’t follow. That evening I was sitting in the Springtreegrove during dinner and observed her and Ravi. They were sitting across the grove. It reminded me of my first night here when I observed the two but I felt even more removed from her than I had felt then. I couldn’t help but stare at her, her flawless skin, her clear eyes, her soft lips. She never looked over to me. But Ravi did. He stared right into my eyes without any expression in his face. Then he turned to Maya. I turned away, ashamed, and stood up and left.
She takes him to her campaign parties now. I sometimes see them late at night walking back after a party. I used to do that with her. It was after one of those silly parties that I fell in love with her and that she asked me to come home with her. Everything had been fine before that happened. Everything had been fine before she was confronted with her flaws and she confronted me with mine. And I’m fine with her flaws; I love her for the flawed, anxious navee being she is. That’s what love is. Sometimes I think I didn’t let her explain herself when I bumped into her the other day because she said that she didn’t mean what she had said to me. I knew she had been right, though. Her accusations had been true. She is painfully honest but I can accept that flaw, I don’t want her to apologize for that. It is this acceptance that creates intimacy.
I also think I walked away because she will walk away soon. I want her to be my constant, to be there forever no matter what happens, no matter how honest, painful, or ugly our fights get. I want to be able to count on her, forever. But she isn’t safe," I pause and take my Springstone between my hands and I can feel the safety and warmth I need. It is scary how right I was when I thought I would never feel as safe again as I had done in that moment, buried in Victor’s big arms. "I want her to be V- … my personal Spring and I want to be hers," I conclude.
"You can’t compare her to The Spring. Everyone feels warm and safe in The Spring, everyone has that unforgettable experience. But that moment has passed for all of us and we can’t get it back unless we become Creators ourselves," Aziz says.
"There are moments when I think that it’s fair that I lost that safety and that Maya is unwilling to give it to me. I chose Cosmo’s Islands over someone and now she chooses The Spring over me. I guess I don’t deserve any better," I admit.
"You are too hard on yourself. All of us have left people to get here," Aziz tries to cheer me up.
"She should want that safety, too. She says she wants someone to complete her essence. I can be that someone. And I need her. I feel a need for her, just like I feel a need for sleep and for food. I need someone to always be there for me and I want to always be there for someone else."
"I can be that someone for you," Aziz suggests seriously. For the first time in a long time I feel how the corner’s of my mouth move up outside of the virtual world.
"I appreciate that but friendship only goes so far," I chuckle. "I need more."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Look, you and I, we can get to know each other really well, we can share all our secrets, our dreams, learn everything about each other. We can enjoy each other’s company, make each other laugh, make each other cry, have fun. But loving someone goes beyond that. Anyone can be your friend if you want them to. But only one person can be your love, only one person can know your essence, and you can only know one person’s essence."
"Are you saying that you know her essence?" he asks.
"Yes," I say before I start to think. And think. "I think so... Maybe. That’s what she wants. She wants someone to complete hers and I want to complete hers."
"I know, that’s what you’ve said. But do you know her essence? Or isn’t she actually just a friend you were hoping to fall in love with but never had the opportunity to?" he asks.
That was a punch in my heart. I feel angry towards Aziz. Or myself. Is he right? Aziz knows he hit a nerve and we avoid looking at each other for a while. I try to think of something else to say, to change the topic, but then I realize that all I do everyday is to think or to avoid thinking about Maya.
"I spend my night playing these games. At first they were a fun escape from my painful reality. But over time, night by night, it first turned into a routine, and then into an addiction. All the experiences that make me happy in the game are fake. And so the happiness they give me is fake. I feel empty after hours of playing, when I realize that none of it was real," I admit. I pick up a red twig that the wind carried over from the Red Island and start bending it. "So I get angry. And sad. I regret that I wasted my time playing them. So, to fix myself, I play again. And for the first few hours it gives me extreme, fake happiness. Then I start to feel indifferent and when it's over, I feel terrible. And I regret it. But before I play, I cannot think clearly. Or actually I do think clearly but I don't act on it… I'm losing energy. And will. Ambition. I wonder what will happen…," I say and bend the twig too far until it breaks. Aziz looks at me but he doesn’t seem to understand. The sound of the breaking twig triggered something inside me. Pax broke a twig into pieces the last time I saw her.
"Ravi told me how people talk behind my back. That I’m bad at the sessions. I don’t care about them, or Ravi. I never really liked him anyway. Maya is gone too. And Vijay. Everyone is gone," I say.
"I’m here. I’m right here, my friend."
"Yeah," I respond.
"Maybe you should sleep at night instead of playing those games and stop skipping sessions so you can make actual progress in the real world, have real experiences with real people that give you real happiness," Aziz suggests.
"It’s not that easy. Sleep is worse than playing games. The only time I don’t have to fear bumping into Maya is when I’m playing a game. She would never play games. But she pops up in my dreams all the time. I’m trying to avoid sleep to avoid her haunting me in my dreams."
"You don’t know about Dreamspace, do you?" he asks and I shake my head. "Then come into my CEBOS and I’ll show you," he says and sits down next to me. We lean our heads against each other and close our eyes. The black fades to white and we find ourselves in Aziz’s Dreamspace.
In m
any ways, his Dreamspace is similar to the Memoryspiral, the Forest of Thoughts, the Well of Emotions, and the Happinessmeter. It’s a large space defined by a soft, beige mesh with a glowing ceiling, bended walls, and tiny holes in the floor that reveal the darkness below us. But there are not only Memorybubbles and Thoughttrees but also clusters of Memorybubbles that look like clouds. Most importantly, there are stars. Everywhere. It looks like we are standing under a golden-white glowing sky overflowing with bright stars. The stars are filled with Memorybubbles and very small Thoughttrees. Some stars hang from the clouds; others simply float above our heads. They seem to be made of the same viscous fluid that Memorybubbles and Thoughttrees are made of, and like Memorybubbles the stars display images. Some of them show Aziz, some of them show faces I have never seen. Some show the morning sun rising above mountains, some the horizon illuminated by several Springs. I walk around and look up at one of the biggest stars. It shows Aziz during Springday. He is walking towards The Spring. He seems super happy. It must be his dream of becoming a Creator.
"Watch out! There is a Nightmarestar!" Aziz shouts when I’m about to walk deeper into the space.
There is a dark star lying in front of me. It is big, filled with Memorybubbles and tiny Thoughttrees, and shows the same scene that is repeating itself over and over again. The glow of The Spring disappears under the dark, cloudy sky. Aziz is a real navee. He is afraid the last Spring will disappear as well. I wish I had nightmares this unexciting.