by Persadia
Anyway - that was easy. A trip into Pax‘s mind at an earlier time would have saved me a lot of trouble and Meditosis. For the first time I feel like I could teach Ravi something, that is if he wasn’t so dismissive of me.
I’m about to leave when I notice an opening in the wall across the space. That has to be new. It’s small, just big enough for me to squeeze through. It’s as dark as in front of my Wall of Secrets with the only source of light being seven Essencestrings that are hanging from the ceiling. There are five small needs and two larger ones. One looks like a bunch of grapes and is filled with Memorybubbles showing the happy moments in the otherwise horrific nightmares I had about the death of my family. The one next to it consists of two spheres that are interlocked and the Memorybubbles inside the need show Maya. Another one is basically a little bag with an opening at the top. All Memorybubbles inside the bag show my Springstone which is the only object I own. Then there is a need containing only a single Memorybubble which shows The Vow. The Vow… I had almost forgotten about it. Did I actually break it? What I do know is that I didn’t notice any consequences. The last one shows moments where I skipped sessions.
From the two bigger needs, one is certainly supposed to represent eating since that’s the only activity its Memorybubbles show. The second is probably physical exercise because it contains memories of Crystal Cave but not of Kumu Hanalii for CEBOS and the only difference between the two I can think of is the lack of physical exercise in the latter.
As far as I can tell, those needs are family, romance, saving, honor, independence, eating, and physical exercise. None of them harm other people so they should be with the other needs if they were navee needs. And why is, for instance, the need for eating among them? Doesn’t everyone need to eat? Since they are hidden, I assume they are considered ‘parasites’. I would ask Ravi if I wasn’t afraid that he might lock me in the temple to meditate for the rest of my existence. However, now I know that I have seventeen needs. Tranquility, power, status, acceptance, social contact, curiosity, idealism, order, creation, family, romance, physical exercise, saving, eating, independence, honor, and revenge. Well, my need for revenge is history so I really have only sixteen needs. Anyway, I feel like a very complex being all of the sudden.
If I had only known this electricity trick a little earlier, I would have freed Pax of her need for revenge and this cycle would have been much better. Without this need, she wouldn’t have felt all this anger. Or would those negative emotions have stayed in her Well of Emotions? Are needs and emotions connected or can one feel anger without wanting revenge? It’s probably better not to risk anything and remove all negative emotions from my mind as well.
In contrast to my Happinessmeter, my Well of Emotions hasn’t changed during the cycle. It’s still the colorful, lively and confusing mess it has always been. I knew that I would see dozens of my doubles in all sizes in here and yet the view of all the Emotionclones still amazes me. It’s almost like an out-of-body experience. When you see the 'present you' in a reflection of yourself, you don’t feel detached from what you see because in that moment, you are self-aware. And when you see a 'past you' in a Memorybubble, you remember yourself in that moment. But when you see the 'present you' multiple times at once and none of those versions are exactly your size or reflects the mix of emotions you’re feeling in that moment, it’s quite strange.
Also, I wonder what the Well of Emotions is good for. It is great for erasing the emotions I no longer want, but that can’t have been the idea behind it.
I have to squeeze myself through the crowd of my doubles all the way to the opposite wall to get to my Emotionclones representing anger, rage, and hatred. It’s almost like they knew I was coming for them. I grab the angry version of myself by the neck and want to let it disappear with a little electricity - but I can’t. I can’t destroy something that looks like me, that is a part of me. So I end up doing the same to the three Emotionclones that I’ve done to my need for revenge and let them fall into the darkness of my subconscious. I still can’t believe how easy it is to free myself from cumbersome traits of my personality. Everyone should do it! I feel so much better already.
Now that I think about it, the Wall of Secrets seems unnecessary as well. Why not throw all secrets into the subconscious? I’ll just do that!
I free my mind of all its secrets and decide to visit my Memoryspiral to sort out some unpleasant memories. Someone else would have to erase them for me if I wanted to make sure that I won’t remember the act of erasing those memories. But not every unpleasant memory requires the Maya treatment.
Needless to say, my Memoryspiral is vastly larger than it was a cycle ago. All my new memories have forced the space to expand in height, width, and length. What’s surprising, though, is a bright light flaring up every few seconds. It’s located behind a group of bigger Memorybubbles almost at the other end of the Memoryspiral. Maybe it’s a Thoughttree growing in the wrong place? Or is that the first consequence of the painful contact with Pax‘s Emotionclone? I actually feel fine and don’t think that the short moment in which the Emotionclone touched me has caused any mental damage. On my part, at least – Pax’s mind should be a disaster after her rampage tonight.
The closer I get to the light, the longer the pauses in between each flickering become. Then I hear something and when I’m almost there, I realize it’s the sound of someone sobbing. Maya is standing in front of a Memorybubble, which is about three times her height. Her small left hand is touching it. I’d like to be that Memorybubble. Her right hand is trying to wipe the tears off her cheeks but it slips off her face - she is that exhausted. Part of me wants to walk over to her and hug her, but the other part of me knows that while it would feel good now, I would regret it sooner or later. The Memorybubble she can’t get herself to erase holds the memory of the night I met her. We were walking across the dunes and I taught her how a hand shake works. This really was the moment when both our lives changed. For a few seconds she lets electricity flow from the floor through her body to the Memorybubble. She watches the flashes of lightning spreading around its surface but then she takes her hand off the Memorybubble and steps away. I go into hiding behind a Memorybubble on my left. Is she changing her mind about us? Or are those tears of regret because I messed up her perfectly planned life? I can’t help myself and take another peek at her. She looks so small and lost between all those large Memorybubbles. The images of the memories around her are reflected on her soft skin. I haven’t touched this skin in such a long time. I want to be with her again, I want to be able to touch her whenever I want. Knowing that she and I were … well, maybe we weren’t. Maybe Aziz is right and we never were more than good friends. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong. But she is feeling something as well. She is crying for Spring’s sake! Just say you love me. I wish she would just stand by me, admit that she does no longer want to become a Creator. She knows how I feel and it’s her decision to make. So I force myself to leave Maya with her inner struggles alone.
Today is the day everyone has been looking forward to since the beginning of the cycle - except Pax, who must have dreaded the day of her Darkening for just as long.
All Islanders have come together on Center Island to witness her departure from their lives. It would make sense to perceive some embarrassment among the Islanders, but I don’t see any signs that they consider Pax’s Darkening a failure of their community. What I do see, though, is relief. It’s not that people are cheery, but they can’t hide their collective joy about the punishment of one of them.
I’m sitting next to Aziz which, if it wasn’t for our friendship, would be considered an effort to get even more fake fame. Memories with images of me, The Savior, and him, The Prophet, are trending on MNOP. Apparently, people expect me to do something noteworthy wherever I go. At this point, it is also unnecessary to publish the truth. Pax has published all her memories of me which include the punch into her face during her attack, but nobody believes her at this point. They say she
manipulated her memories to make me look bad and so most people don’t care about it. Nevertheless, more and more people, at least around the Islands, start to second-guess Aziz’ vision. I’m sure the fascination with my person will fade over time and so I simply won’t comment on the issue. I’m also still thinking that some of the people who attended the Holo Holo Nalii final must have seen me in the arena, especially since I was one of three people who wore the uniform and I was sitting with the organizers of the event but so far no one has published a memory from the final showing me.
It's probably the punishment for manipulating my mind, but I got a splitting headache and couldn’t sleep all night. I can literally feel Ravi’s scolding glances. He is sitting with Cosmo and the rest of the, as he would say, ’sophisticated few’.
Then the first Chasteners walk towards the crowd and Pax is with them. She is completely clean now and there are no signs of Vijay’s attack. Still, I know she has countless scars on the inside. Someone gave her new white clothes and she has made an interesting modification to them by ripping out the part covering her stomach so her bellybutton is clearly visible. She basically looks like the Chasteners who escort her into our midst except that she is using the small area of naked skin to prove that she is human, whereas the Chasteners use it to prove they are navee.
Despite our conflict last night, she looks rested and misleadingly healthy. She reminds me of the Pax before the beginning of this cycle, the one that was confident. There is nothing in her facial expression suggesting that she has one last attack for me and yet, I cannot help but fear exactly that.
“What are your last words for us?” Xerxes asks Pax.
“Moho is human,” Pax announces for the second time.
Silence.
Then the crowd bursts into laughter. No one believes her and she can’t believe their reaction.
“And one more thing. The Savior will want to know about a secret I’ve carried for a long time,” Pax continues and walks towards me. She swore I would go down with her but at this point, there is really nothing she could do to me. When she stops right in front of me, she bends over to get right into my face and grins at me.
“What?” I ask impatiently.
“Didn’t you find it out of character how Maya behaved on the beach?” she asks, but I don’t react. “Didn’t you find it odd that she hit you on the mouth right after her headache started? It looked like she wasn’t in control of her own body, as if someone had taken over her CEBOS, someone with a knack for custom-made bugs… Oh, now I know! It was me. It is only because of me that you lost her. I’m the one who broke you two up,” she says.
“That was a truly unfortunate decision on your part,” I respond calmly.
“And?” she asks.
“I’ve nothing left to say to you,” I tell her.
“You’re not supposed to say anything! You’re supposed to hit me!” she yells.
“I feel no desire to hit you. I feel sorry for you.”
“You hate me for what I’ve done! Come on, hit me! Hit me!”
"I don’t understand your desire to be hit by me. All I do is pity you."
“Is there a problem here?” Xerxes asks.
“Moho should have hit me! Something is wrong…” she says. “Unless… Oh no, you’ve done it. You’ve actually done it… You’re despicable. How could you erase your humanity? You’re a shame to the human race!" she yells at me. I don't react in any way. "Still, I wonder how far you went… Xerxes, check Moho’s Wall of Secrets!” Pax demands.
“I don’t take orders,” he snaps back at Pax. “But I’ve always suspected that you are hiding quite a special memory behind your Wall of Secrets,” he says to me.
“Be my guest. My Wall of Secrets isn’t hiding any memories,” I respond confidently.
Xerxes can’t wait to peek behind the wall and so we find ourselves in my CEBOS in no time. Even Pax came along which reminds me that it was right here, in front of my Wall of Secrets, where she first attempted to get close to me.
I let the two walk through the wall before I follow. At first I don’t even bother to look around but when I see both of their faces widen into a self-righteous smile, I sense trouble. This space here was empty when I left it last night and it is everything but empty now. Several dozens, maybe hundreds of Memorybubbles are filling up the space. I swallow. Did all the Memorybubbles I dropped into my subconscious bubble up back into my mind already?
Xerxes and Pax use the opportunity which I’ve so foolishly given to them and inspect some of the Memorybubbles. I’m about to follow them when I hear a trembling, dry voice behind me.
“Moho."
I’m shocked, and thrilled, and perplexed, and comforted, and skeptical, and many other things, but above all, I’m relieved. I turn around and she is right there, she probably always has been.
“Part of me had given up hope,” I say to her.
“I’m sorry,” Maya says.
“No, not at all. I’m the one who didn’t believe in us. And I’m the one who didn’t listen to you when you tried to explain yourself,” I say.
“I actually didn’t understand what had happened to me until Pax told you today. This must have been horrible for you,” she says.
“Yes, but I could say the same to you.”
“You didn’t throw any accusations at me. My memory of that morning is blurred but I’m sure you only tried to ease my pain. I, on the other hand...” she says.
“Yes, and it did hurt but we both had time to heal,” I comfort her.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t do it,” she says.
“Do what?” I ask.
“You asked me to erase those memories, don’t you remember?”
And it’s not until now when I notice that the Memorybubbles which mysteriously appeared behind my Wall of Secrets are all my memories of Maya!
“How did you get through my Wall of Secrets? I never told you the password.”
“But I know you,” she says. Oh, she really does. “One memory is still missing, though… one we haven’t made yet,” she says.
I don’t understand and frown, but she simply leans in and kisses me. And then she leans out of the kiss before I can even really feel her.
“I’ve literally had dreams about this,” I say.
“I hope reality was better.”
“It always is,” I respond.
Xerxes and Pax were witnessing our moment with contempt, but I don’t care. I just feel sorry for them because they aren’t loved.
When we leave CEBOS, Maya and I realize that we aren’t anywhere near each other in reality. She is sitting with Cosmo but she leaves her seat next to him and walks over to me for a second for a longer kiss. The crowd on Center Island breaks into cheers. She sits down next to me and we hold hands. Finally.
Pax and Xerxes are still standing in front of us.
“Come on, you’ve wasted more than enough of our time already,” Xerxes says to Pax and tries to pull her back into the center of the circle.
Pax ignores his words. She is simply staring at me, her facial expression is unreadable. There is an uncomfortably long moment of silence between us in which I have no idea what to anticipate next. Then she nods slowly before she undresses right in front of us. The whole time she doesn’t break eye contact. I think she has finally understood that it’s over. She turns around and follows Xerxes who shows her where to stand. There is no resistance on her part anymore. She does what he wants. Then she forms a heart with her hands and lays it around her bellybutton. The crowd gasps but she doesn’t respond. She lowers her head, looks towards the heart around her bellybutton and smiles. She loves herself.
Xerxes eyes alternate between The Spring and Pax like he is waiting for The Spring to take her away. It doesn’t take long until a black fog appears around her ankles and rises all the way to the top of her head. For a while she is covered in this black fog. Then, the sea breeze carries the fog away and she is gone. Just like that. She doesn’t leave behind any tra
ce of her. It’s like she had never existed.
Chapter 16
Age of Death (4/4)
I'm back at the cemetery once more. The fact that I won't leave after my next trip to this place is unsettling but since I'm the last one remaining in my family, I know it's inevitable.
With one hand I hold on to someone and with the other one I touch my bellybutton. Ever since the inexplicable death of my mother, I can't stop sticking my forefinger into my bellybutton. It's as soothing as her presence once was. That's not actually true of course. Nothing can replace her. But there is nothing — no memory, no smell, no dish, no sound, no scent — that resembles the feeling of her protection more than the feeling I get when I touch my bellybutton. It's only skin and I never paid any attention to it but now that she is gone, this mark is so much more than just skin. Now it represents the period before I was even born, when her body shielded me from everything and the only person in the world was her.
I'm standing in front of my mother's coffin. It was set ablaze this morning but it's still burning. The idea of being burned in her coffin never sounded cruel to her. Her thinking was that life begins with creation and so it makes sense to end it with destruction. And in her opinion, fire symbolized this destruction.
I used to argue that she hadn't been created out of soil and therefore, her funeral wasn't going to close any circle - but I'm not arguing anymore.
People who want to share their thoughts with the mourners walk up to her and give speeches, but I'm not one of them. I don't know what's left to say.