Liz only wished that she had that much courage— the courage to stand up to evil and not let it win. But she wasn’t that brave. No, she was the kind that buckled the minute things got a little tough. Her thoughts slid to a time not so long before that she had done just that, and regret filled her as it always did when those thoughts came.
She flipped over and stared at the ceiling, bringing the blankets up under her arms. Guilt slid around her, and she brushed at the tears that had never, in three whole years, found a bottom. Why had she not done what she knew to be right back then? Why had she caved? Had it really made things any better? It didn’t feel like it then, and it sure didn’t now.
When she rolled to her side, the battle for her thoughts reached fever pitch as the tears rolled over each other and down her cheeks. She sniffed them back, but more simply replaced them. “I’m sorry, God. I’m so sorry. God, I’m so sorry.” But how many I’m sorries would ever make what she had done all right? A million? Or more?
Or maybe she would say I’m sorry into infinity, and it wouldn’t make an ounce of difference. Her thoughts turned darker then, dragging her spirit down with them. What would he think of her if he knew? What would he say? Her heart jerked hard at that. She could see the look of disappointment and disgust on his face as if he was standing right there in front of her. Swiping at the tears, she thought into the future and then about their present.
Should she tell him now? Could she ever tell him? Might she just pretend it had never happened? But if they stayed together, he would find out eventually. If they stayed together... Right now that was a big if, but... She would have to tell him. Who else would? Not many knew, but a few did. Would they say anything? Surely not, but then again, one slip would shatter everything. Trust me. Her heart ached at the words she had spoken so blithely to him. Trust me even as I lie right to your face. Trust me until I tell you who I really am. And then what?
She wanted to believe it would all work out if she owned up to her selfishness, but would it? There was no real way to know, no real way to see that point in the future and know he wouldn’t just trash her and them if he ever found out. More tears of pain slid down out of her eyes, soaking into her pillow. “God, what have I done?”
Monday night Jake all-but ran home, showered, changed, threw on some cologne, and was back out the door. All he wanted was to be with her, to feel her presence near him again and to know that once again the world made some sense. At one of the sidewalk venders, he stopped and bought a small batch of flowers. He wanted to give her the world like she had given him, but flowers would have to be enough for now.
Liz was still twisting on the thoughts of the night before as she concentrated on getting the orders right and delivered without spilling anything or making a disaster of work as well.
“Oh, boy, don’t look now, but Prince Charming just showed up,” Mia said, in barely disguised disgust when the bells jingled at just after seven.
It should have jumped with the sight, but Liz’s heart fell. He looked so very vulnerable and unsure, standing there with the brightly colored flowers in his hand.
“Oh, and look. He brought flowers.”
“Shh,” Liz warned her friend. She wished she could freshen up, but there was no time. Striding over to him, she smiled all of the uncertainty in her heart down. “Hi.”
“Hi,” he replied, and his gaze fell to the flowers. “Um, these… these are for you.”
Wishing he hadn’t but grateful that he did, she took the flowers. “Thank you.” Putting her nose right in the middle of them, she breathed in their heavenly scent. “They’re beautiful.”
His smile said he was glad she liked them.
“Um, are you staying? Would you like a table?” What to do past that scattered from her.
“If you don’t mind.”
“No,” she said, and she found when she gazed into his eyes, it was the genuine, all-the-way-to-the-bottom-of-his-soul truth she found. “I don’t mind.”
An hour later, Jake was in the far corner, and it was more than clear that Mia was not happy about that.
“You should go make sure Prince Charming doesn’t need a refill.”
Liz turned to her friend, her back to him. “What is with you tonight? What do you have against him anyway? You’ve been hateful ever since he got here.”
“Well, excuse me for being concerned.” Mia stepped up toe-to-toe with her. “I just think you’d better take a good, long look before you leap with this one. You don’t have the best track record with handsome, mysterious guys, you know.”
The blow hit like a punch to the gut, and it took a moment for her to recover. “It’s not like that with Jake, Mia.”
“Oh, yeah? Then how is it?”
How to answer that was a mystery, and she couldn’t find the words for one second too long.
“Yeah. That’s what I thought,” Mia said, getting exactly the wrong idea.
“Look, for your information, we’re not sleeping together if that’s what you think,” Liz said in her own defense and his as well. “Jake’s not like that.”
“Yeah.” Mia laughed under her breath as she turned to wipe the counter.
“What? He’s not.” Then Liz caught what her friend wasn’t saying. “Are you saying I am? Gee, thanks, Mi. What a great thing for a friend to say.”
“Hey. I didn’t say anything. I just don’t want to see you hurt… like last time that’s all.”
Last time. The words twisted in Liz’s gut. “You think I don’t know how bad that was? I was the one that lived through it, remember? You think I didn’t learn my lesson?” Tears slid up into her eyes once again.
“Look, darlin’,” Mia said far more kindly. “I know you learned, but that don’t mean he’s on the same page with it. Liz-honey, you’re young. You still have stars in your eyes about life, but guys… guys just take advantage of that. I want you to play this one smart, that’s all.”
“I’m trying to. We’re taking it really slow. I mean really slow. He’s only kissed me like twice, and besides that, I thought you wanted me to be with him.”
“Hello. That’s when he was a bird in the tree, not one in your hand.”
“Oh? So it’s okay to talk about getting it on with some guy as long as, you know, that’s in fantasyland, but when a guy really starts to like me and take an interest in me, then it’s ‘Oh, be careful. All guys are only after one thing.’”
Mia deflated. “Look, I’m sorry, Lizzie-girl. I only want what’s best for you. When you were looking, I thought finding Mr. Right would be that, but now… I don’t know. I guess I see that this thing with Jake… it might be more than just wow, isn’t he cute? I mean, you guys could get married and move to Jersey and set up house.”
Only then did Liz see why Mia was freaking out. She reached over and put her arm around her friend. “I promise, I’ll write every Christmas and twice on your birthday.”
Mia laughed as Liz pulled her into a hug. “You better.” She sniffed. Something Liz would never have thought possible. When they pulled away, Mia’s gaze stayed on the tiles at their feet. “And about what I said before…”
Liz knew. “Consider it forgotten. But believe me, we really are taking it slow. At this point we’re more like really, really good friends than anything else.”
With a nod, Mia backed up. “Okay. I don’t need the gory details.”
“They are hardly gory. We went to the library and the museum.”
“Ooo. Making time in the stacks, who would have guessed?”
Liz threw a rag at her friend. “Ugh. You’re hopeless.”
“Trouble in paradise?” Jake asked when she made it to his table for her break. He had seen the conflagration at the counter, and even though he couldn’t hear any of it, it was clear tempers had flared.
Liz sat down, looking incredibly tired. “Oh, it’s just Mia’s version of looking out for me.”
“She doesn’t like me much, huh?”
“I think it’s guys in ge
neral she doesn’t like much.”
“I thought she was married.”
“She is, but it’s not her she’s worried about.”
“Ah.” He considered saying more but decided to drop it. Pulling forward on the table, he searched for a new topic. “Did you make it to the Literacy Center today?”
A shake of her head and a sigh, and Liz closed her eyes. “No. I may try to get over there tomorrow.”
He knew something was wrong, but he couldn’t tell just what. “So, what are you doing for Thanksgiving? Going home for the whole turkey-’til-you-drop experience?”
Slowly she shook her head again. “No, my parents are going out of town. No reason to go if they won’t be there.”
Then he began to understand. “So, are you going to a friend’s house or something? A relative or Mia’s?”
Again she shook her head. “No. It’ll just be me. Five whole days of just me. Yippee.”
“Oh.” Somehow he had thought she would be surrounded by a million relatives sitting around a piano singing. That she would be alone for Thanksgiving had never occurred to him. An idea slid into his heart. “Well, then how are you at cooking turkey?”
For the first time since she’d sat down, her gaze came over to his. He couldn’t read exactly what it said but surprise was part of it. “A turkey?”
“Well, I’ve never actually made turkey before, but how much harder can it be than cheese sandwiches, right?”
Strangled hope surfaced in her eyes. “Are you serious?”
His smile battled to get to his lips. “If you don’t mind.”
She smiled softly. “No, I don’t mind at all.”
“Okay, I’m thinking somebody needs to get this turkey,” Jake said Tuesday night during her break. “Do you want me to?”
“Do you really think we can eat a whole turkey? Just the two of us?”
He corkscrewed his mouth. “It’s not Thanksgiving without turkey.” Strangely that was still true although he had eaten tuna sandwiches for the last four.
“You’re serious about this.”
“Yes. Now what time do you get out tomorrow? I was thinking maybe I could get off a little early. I’ve worked extra shifts for everybody and their dog for four years now. Somebody somewhere owes me a couple hours. So I was thinking, maybe I could come by when you get out of class, and we could go shopping. Of course, I know you’ll have to be back for work.”
Liz shifted slightly in the chair. “Actually, I took off Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday before I knew Mom and Dad weren’t going to be around.”
Surprise jumped into him. “So you have the whole weekend off?”
She slid her hand up her arm. “Looks like it.”
A smile drifted over him. “Cool.”
Nothing looked right. Absolutely nothing in her closet. What does one wear to go Thanksgiving turkey shopping anyway? Her ripped jeans fit the best, but were they too casual or worse, too suggestive? The black pants looked like she was headed to church, which was also a problem she was trying to negotiate in this new existence she found herself living in. She’d always gone for Thanksgiving. At least the night before Thanksgiving if not that day.
But with him coming tonight and tomorrow, where did church fit into that? The day of their visit to the museum she had gotten up and made it early that morning, and that was a possibility as well, but what time was he planning to be at her place? How long did it take to cook a turkey? Would he leave after they ate? Or would he stay? And if he stayed, what in the world were they planning to do for the eternity of hours after that?
Granted, filling time with him had never been a problem in the past, but those were impromptu visits at best, not planned ones. Liz suddenly felt responsible for entertaining him, and that was as big of a problem as everything else. The knock sounded at the front door before she made a final decision on the clothing question. Frustration and panic clutched her, and she let out a yelp and then a growl. “Ugh. I’m so bad at this. You know that, right?”
She yanked a brown knit sweater up from the pile she had been creating on the floor and pulled it on as another knock sounded. “Coming!” On the way out the door, she managed to get a little perfume and her faded jeans on and run the brush through her hair for three quick swipes, but that was going to have to be good enough. There was no time for more.
At the front door, she let out a hard breath and wrenched it open with the biggest fake smile ever. However, in one second, frantic and fake slipped away from her.
There he stood, leaning against her doorframe, looking at her with a wry smirk that made her heart slide through her shoes. “I was beginning to think you were going to stand me up.”
“Now, would I do that? I was trying to get presentable.” She slid her fingers through her hair, wishing she’d taken more care with it. “Is that a problem?”
His gaze slid down her and then back up to her eyes. “Not in my books.”
Nerves attacked her. He really didn’t have to look so good, did he? It did strange things to her heart and her ability to think straight, and trying to pretend it didn’t was going to give her an aneurysm.
“You ready?” he asked, never really moving from the spot.
“Oh, y-yeah. Let me grab my coat and my purse.”
Jake waited right there for her, really liking the visual. How she could look that perfect in simple jeans and the oversized sweater was beyond him. When she caught him watching her, he let his gaze drop before it found her again. It wasn’t his fault. It was the only place it wanted to be.
Coming back to the door, she sighed. “Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.”
They walked out and down the sidewalk. The closest grocery was down to the corner and then six long blocks away. What they were going to do with the groceries once they bought them was a mystery to him, but he didn’t have the brain cells to worry about that too, so he didn’t. “So I guess classes are about out for the semester?”
Liz nodded, the little knit hat she had added last bobbing with the movement. “Finals start the 8th.”
“And then?”
“Then?” she asked, glancing up at him. Man, she was cute when she did that.
So many questions he wanted to ask, but he beat most of them back. “Are you going back home for Christmas?”
She shrugged. “Probably. That weekend anyway. But I’ll probably stay here, work, maybe do the LC thing if it’s open over the break.”
“Have you decided classes for next semester?”
“I have a meeting with my counselor next week. I really have to make some decisions, see what my options are, that kind of thing. I mean, Mrs. McLaughlin talked about research. I don’t think you have to major in that, but I don’t really know. It’s all kind of up in the air right now.” Her gaze swung to him again. “How about you? You going home for the holidays?”
The question sounded so very simple. It was hard to fathom what slamming into that wall did to his heart. “Uh. No.”
She snuck another look at him. He felt it. “Where is home anyway?”
His hands dug further into the pockets of his coat. “Oh. Here. In New York.”
“Ah.” She lifted her chin as he opened the grocery store door and let her go in first.
The atmosphere on the other side was charged with frantic. With an arched eyebrow, Jake looked at the single, unused cart sitting forlornly in the corner and then to the lines at the checkout snaking this way and that. “Wow. Looks like we’re not the only ones who waited until the last minute.”
“No kidding.” Liz grabbed the cart, and they headed down an aisle, dodging the myriad of other shoppers. “Were you serious about the turkey? You don’t want ham or a steak?”
“For Thanksgiving?” Jake pulled a box of stuffing mix from the shelf and threw it into the cart.
“Just a thought.” She shrugged and kept pushing. All around the store they went, collecting cans of vegetables and one of cranberry sauce. He added a can of pumpkin r
eally liking how nice it was to be together shopping. Strange how different it was.
“For the pie,” he said when she looked at him like he’d lost his mind.
“You bake too?”
He shrugged. “How hard can it be?”
She shook her head and kept pushing. They made it to the freezer with the turkeys in the back. The only frozen birds left were easily 15 pounds. “Good night! These things are huge.”
Jake couldn’t disagree. He exhaled at the problem. “We’ll be eating turkey ‘til next Thanksgiving if we get this much.” He put his hand on his hip, trying to decide what to do. Pulling one of the birds up, he looked underneath to see if possibly there were other, better options.
As he dug, she pushed the cart away. “Hey, what about these?” She went over and held up a small bag that resembled a turkey but was only about half the size of even a small one. “It’s turkey parts, I think.” Carefully, she went to work reading the instructions. “Yeah. This is better, don’t you think?” She held it up for his inspection.
Something about the trusting look on her face dug into Jake’s heart and took up camp there. “Perfect.”
Laden with groceries in bags, they made it back to her apartment and inside. Once in the kitchen, Jake did a quick radar of the apartment. Empty as usual. “So do you not have a roommate anymore? What’s the deal with her anyway?” He went to work unloading the bags, putting things away as if he owned the place.
“She went home for Thanksgiving, but before that, she met this guy in Chemistry of all things. I haven’t seen much of her since.”
That was good news. He put the turkey and yams in the refrigerator. “Bummer.”
“It’s not so bad. I kind of like the quiet.”
“Huh.” Going back, he stacked the cans on the cabinet, not sure if it made sense to put it all away. They would just be getting it all back out tomorrow.
More Than This: Contemporary Christian Romance Novel Page 19