She looked over at the clock. It was after midnight, and she had an early morning coming up. As she packed her things away and went to get ready for bed, she began a soft prayer that hardly had words attached to it. God, I don’t even know where to begin with Jake, but I believe You do. Please show me, and Lord, if I’m only meant to help him and not to love him forever, please give me the grace to let go when this is over.
When the knock sounded on her door the next morning, Liz realized the alarm had never gone off. Yanking herself from the warm bed, she tramped out, not even bothering with a brush or a robe. Her nightclothes— loose fitting navy pants and a white T-shirt— would have to be okay. She didn’t have time for anything wonderful. “I’m coming.”
At the door, she quickly unbolted and unlocked it. In one swing her breath swept from her. He stood there, leaning against the doorpost a handful of wildflowers clutched in his hand. His gaze was down and slowly lifted to hers. His smile could have been no more hesitant.
However, it was instantly overtaken by concern. His gaze studied her as alarm overtook even the concern. “I’m sorry.” He straightened like a shot. “Didn’t you say seven?”
Liz laughed softly and pushed the fall of hair from her face. “Yeah, but I should’ve told my alarm clock.” She stepped back to let him enter, which he did. He smelled like pine needles and aftershave. Memories from the day before seeped into her consciousness, and she snuggled into their warmth.
“I’m sorry to wake you,” he said barely getting all the way into her apartment. “We don’t have to go right now. I mean, we don’t have to go at all.”
Shutting the door, Liz turned to him. “Did you come all the way over here to tell me we’re not going?”
His gaze slipped back to the flowers. “Well, no. It’s just that…”
She grinned. “So let me get this straight. I’m the one who messed up, and you’re the one apologizing? I like this set-up.”
He looked up at her with surprise at first, but it was quickly followed by amusement which danced in his eyes.
“Tell you what,” she continued. “Why don’t you make yourself comfortable, and I’ll go try to look presentable.”
The look on his face said he was about to say something, and Liz couldn’t help but feel she might not be able to stay sane after he did. So quickly, she ducked and went back to her room. What she found there when she turned on the light scared even her. Puffy eyes, hair like a rat’s nest. How he hadn’t run screaming from the premises with one look, she had no idea. When she tried to send the brush through her hair, she realized this was going to take more than a comb-through. A full shower complete with six pounds of shampoo might not even fix it.
Grabbing her stuff, she padded down the hallway. The sound of pans in the kitchen lifted her heart. He was here now. It was going to be a glorious day.
With breakfast on the stove, Jake went into the dining room and set out the glass of flowers. It was all he could find. Then he noticed the thick book lying on the table. Interested but fearful, he stepped closer to it, reached down as if he might get caught at any second, and opened it to a page.
Somehow he had expected the book to give him some answers to questions he couldn’t even figure out how to ask, but it looked like the same frustrating jumble of words the others always had. He focused, trying to get the words to make sense, but annoyingly, they just didn’t. Why was this always so hard? Was it because of the dyslezia thing? Or was it just him?
Stupid. The word came back to him, slicing through him like a dull knife. He was just stupid. That’s all there was to it. With a crack, he felt like he was back in Mrs. Pettry’s class in fourth grade. Everyone else had read the assignment. All of them. Only he hadn’t. When she called on him, he made some excuse about his dad being sick. It wasn’t true, of course, but he could think of nothing else.
That’s when he’d heard the whisper from someone behind him, “McCoy can’t read. He’s stupid, you know.”
What had she said about being in reading recovery the whole time? He remembered those torture sessions. Even that teacher had eventually given up on him. The pain from so many failed attempts to be normal stabbed into his gut as hot tears burned his eyes. He swiped at them, hating them and himself. Why couldn’t he just be normal? Why was this all so impossible for him?
He heard a door close behind him, and he quickly shut the book, swiped at his eyes, and fled into the kitchen. He was busy finishing up the eggs when she came in.
“Sorry about that,” she said, appearing at his elbow in slim-fitting jeans and an emerald blouse that hung on her just right. “What can I do to help?”
Kiss me and hold me went through his mind as he gawked at her, but with immense effort, he shook out of that thought. “Uh, the bacon should be done in the microwave.”
“Got it.”
Breakfast was good. He really was a good cook. Liz sat, wishing she could start the conversation that had chased around her head all night long, but how does one go about asking such personal questions?
“So,” he said, stretching his legs under the table, “you said you’re going back to the Learning Center on Monday?”
“I’m planning on it.” The scoop of eggs took a long, eternity to make it to her mouth as she thought and rethought how to ask him the questions swirling in her mind.
“I think it’s really great,” he said before she had the chance to get anything out.
“What’s that?”
“That you’re wanting to help people like that. I can’t imagine not being able to read.” He took a bite of bacon although he never really looked at her. “That must be tough.”
Liz nearly choked on the eggs, and she had to take a drink of orange juice to get it down. Way to go, Liz-bet. Boy, you had him pegged… wrong. “Hm.” She cleared her throat and concentrated on her breakfast. “So you really want to go to Stanton Island today?”
He shrugged and half smiled at her. “It’s as good a day as any.”
As good a day as any turned out to be far better than any Jake had ever lived before it. They boarded the bus just outside her apartment which took them to the subway. The ride was nice, especially when she reached over and put her hand in his. Something about that washed peace into his soul. When they exited the tunnel and headed for the ferry, Jake wondered if there had ever been a more perfect Friday. Shoppers were out in full-force, but since they weren’t in a hurry, it was more a distraction than a nuisance.
“I can’t believe Christmas is coming up,” Liz said, and there was a wistful quality to her voice as their hands swung, connected between them. “Seems like just yesterday school started. I can’t believe how fast this semester has gone.”
Jake looked over at her not believing a lot of things himself. “So have you applied to any graduate schools yet?” The question threatened to rip his heart right out of his chest, but this was important to her, and he wanted to know so maybe he could guard his heart though even as he thought it, he almost laughed. His heart was long, long gone.
“I’m waiting for my test scores.” She shook her head, sending her tresses dancing in the wind under the little tan, knit beret. “That should be in a couple weeks.”
“So you got any schools in mind?”
“Well, when I started, I thought one of the Ivy Leagues would be cool. You know Princeton, Yale.” She shrugged. “But I think those were more of a dream than anything. Not that they aren’t good schools, but budget-wise and reality-wise, I don’t see them happening.”
For a moment he could breathe.
“Then I had thought about going out to California.”
With that thought, the air jammed into his lungs going nowhere.
“UCLA, Berkley. But I don’t know. That’s so far away, and I’ve really grown to love New York.” Her gaze slipped up to the buildings beyond as his slipped over to her. She was so beautiful, so kind. Nothing like he would have pictured someone who looked like her. Suddenly her gaze swung to his, captur
ing his soul with such force he nearly tripped over his own shoe. “What about you? Ever think about going back to school?”
Panic flooded through him so quickly, he couldn’t hide the horror in his eyes long enough to get them unglued from hers. “Oh. Uh. School?” He looked out to the buildings and the people, seeing nothing. “Uh, no. Not really.”
She tilted her head. “Why not? You could take a creative writing class or something. Even if it wasn’t full time. The college has a great Continuing Education Program. I’m sure they have something…”
Jake shook his head, batting away the absurdity of the idea from his heart. “I don’t think so.”
“Why not?”
Why not. Why not. Yeah, Jake-y, why not? His mind mocked him just like the other kids had so long ago. “Uh, well, for one, I don’t have the cash. For two I don’t really have the time.”
“Most of the Continuing Ed classes are like one night a week. What? Are you afraid you’ll miss your coffee fix?” Liz angled her steps into his, and only because she was so much smaller than him did he not get thrown off balance.
“I know.” He lifted his gaze, taking in the bustle of the city around him. Everyone seemed to be going somewhere, so why did he feel so stuck? Suddenly they were upon the ferry entrance. “Oh, here we go.” He turned their steps toward the ticket booth and the ferries that were slicing through the harbor beyond. The sunlight glinted across it making the waves look more like diamonds. He went up to the window and handed over the money. “Two please.”
She didn’t protest, and he was glad for that.
Tickets in hand, they headed for the boat that was loading. The statue in all her glory stood out in contrast to the waves that lapped and jostled the boat.
“Wow. I can’t believe I’m actually here,” Liz said, and he heard the awe in her voice.
He looked down at her as passion and peace filled his. “Me either.”
The whole ride across the harbor Jake stood behind her on the deck, shadowing her every move. As intimidating and strange as that should have felt, it felt neither. Instead, it felt right, as right and natural as anything ever had. Leaning into her, he pointed out how the folds of Lady Liberty’s dress flowed down the length of her, and Liz had to force the air to go into her lungs at the feel of him being so close.
“That is so cool,” he said, and when his hand came back down, it rested on her arm sending shivers up and down her. He was so strong, so sturdy, so real.
“It’s so beautiful out here,” she said, brushing the breeze from her hair that slipped across her face. She looked up at him, and he was so near. Somehow that surprised her though it shouldn’t have. When he glanced down at her, her eyes captured his or his captured hers, she couldn’t quite tell which, but she felt that look go all the way through her.
Serenely, slowly, his gaze drifted down to her lips and then back up to her eyes and held there. She was caught somewhere in the middle of him with no way to get out. It didn’t matter. She didn’t want to get out… ever. He leaned down to her, shifting only slightly as his arms cradled her into him. Her eyes slid closed as the beauty of the day ceded control to the awe of him. The first touch of his lips was soft, a request, an invitation which she gladly accepted.
Under her, the boat swayed or maybe it was the clouds. She couldn’t really tell. Suddenly all in life that mattered was his lips on hers and hers on his. It was as if her body was falling through a dimension of time into another, and she grabbed onto him lest she fall completely off the planet. His arms tightened around her as the kiss between them deepened. How had she ever lived to this moment without feeling this kiss? His kiss? Jake’s kiss. It was more than she could have hoped, more even than she remembered. This one had a solidity to it, a belief that this wasn’t a fluke that would never happen again.
Gasping for breath when the kiss broke, Liz wanted only to ask, no to beg, for more. When she opened her eyes, she found his searching hers… for what? Permission? Assurance? Hope? She smiled softly up at him, answering all his questions with no actual words. Gently she slipped her arms under his jacket and laid her head on the sweater covering his solid chest. She breathed in the day and him. Never had she experienced a moment of such utter perfection.
They held each other just like that the rest of the way across the harbor until the boat docked. Liz was sad to see the trip end but glad when he didn’t let her hand go. Instead, he guided her with the rest of the passengers and held on tightly to her as they disembarked, checking to make sure she made the journey safely. It seemed such a short distance across the harbor yet it felt like she had embarked on the journey as one person and disembarked as someone else. His girlfriend perhaps? The thought made her heart jump with hope. Could he really think of her that way? Or was she misreading the signs? She had misread so many to this point, fear whispered this might just be one more.
Pushing all those doubts away and determined to simply enjoy the day with him, she followed, glad for his hand that never let hers go through the crush of humanity around them. They stepped onto the concrete surrounding the Lady, and Liz shielded her eyes from the onslaught of the sun to look up. The statue that had once looked so small towered above her. Jake mirrored her actions, and she held onto him as her balance swayed beneath her.
“Wow,” she said, breathing the word.
“Amazing,” he echoed as he shook his head. “Did you ever think you would see her?”
Liz glanced up at him, happy she was here, but even happier to be here with him. “I’m glad I waited.”
His look down at her was filled with surprise and then joy. “Me too.”
“So, what do you think?” Jake asked when they were inside the visitor’s center. “You want to go up to the crown?”
“Well, I didn’t come all this way to stay on the ground.” She laughed at the look on his face. “Did you?”
“Well, no…”
“Great. I’ll race you.” Grabbing the steel handrail, she started up.
Jake followed, hoping the contents of his stomach would stay in him. Somehow in all the excitement of going, he had never quite factored in the height of Lady Liberty. Heights had always done strange things to him, and unfortunately that hadn’t magically disappeared with that toe-tingling kiss on the ferry. It was best not to think about the climb, so he didn’t. Instead, he let himself remember her, how beautiful she was, how soft, how trusting. He vowed as he climbed the steel-mesh innards of the statue that he would never violate that trust. That vow was followed by one that said he would never allow anyone to hurt her ever again.
Finding her was like finding a precious diamond hidden in the dirt. In all of humanity, in all of the chaos, how could he ever have believed such a thing as her was possible?
“This is quite the climb,” she said ahead of him, sounding winded.
He was winded too, but it wasn’t from the climb. “If you want to go back down…”
“Are you kidding? No way.”
“Just thought I’d offer.” Fear was starting to snake into him. Just how far up had they gone anyway? He tried to judge it, to use his mind to see out beyond the steel and copper of the statue surrounding them. Maybe, if he could just get a gauge, he wouldn’t be so blown over by it at the top. He was glad for the light breeze outside as the insides of him began to wonder what it was like in here on a windy day. Did the statue sway with the wind? His body started to sway and pitch with just the thought.
“I think we’re almost there.” Her climbing had slowed presumably for the steepness and length they had already climbed.
“Oh, good.” Clutching more than holding onto the rail, he willed his mind to steady. He could do this. Mind over matter. The power of positive thinking. As a man thinketh… All the stuff his mother had said and taught him growing up trying to get him to believe in something other than failure.
“Hi,” Liz said to the guard standing there. “That’s quite the climb.”
“Yes, but the view is more than wo
rth it.”
That’s when he heard her gasp, and his gaze jumped to her in alarm and then followed hers out to the world beyond. The sight nearly knocked Jake off the step he was on, and he grabbed for the railing, wanting to wrap himself around it and never let go.
“Oh, Jake, it’s beautiful!” She leaned toward the gaps in the crown as Jake fought to figure out how he would ever save her if she fell.
He would have liked to believe he would’ve been brave, put himself in danger to save her, but the sad fact of his life was, he was too terrified to even let go of the railing.
“Wow! Look! You can see the Empire State Building! Look how little the people look down there. They look like ants.”
Jake made it all the way to the top where she stood, but his body was in full-retreat mode.
“Isn’t it incredible?”
“Yeah,” he said weakly. “Incredible.” Don’t hurl, Jake. Just don’t hurl. He closed his eyes, willing his body not to feel how high up they were.
“Oh, wow. You can see her arm out this way.”
Nothing in him wanted to see her arm. Everything in him wanted to get down!
“It’s amazing.” She shook her head in awe and looked over at him. This look, however, seemed to go deeper than all the others had. “Are you okay?”
“What? Yeah.” He swallowed hard and shrugged, as much as his hands latched onto the railing would let him. Though it was nearly winter, he felt like it must be the dog days of summer. He was sweating, and the heavy wool coat he wore wasn’t helping. “I’m… I’m fine.”
More Than This: Contemporary Christian Romance Novel Page 23