by Jane Keeler
He returned to his home briefly to get his crossbow, and set out again at a fast-paced run. Hunting would cleanse him of these thoughts, make him forget this experience and replace it with a new kind of thrill. As he tried to silence his footfalls in the woods, something did not feel the same as usual. An emptiness had opened up inside him, gaping and hard to reach. He recognised it immediately. This was what he had felt many years ago, before rescuing the child. Ever since then he had felt powerful, like he could help the crofters. But now it expanded within him, sucking at his thoughts. The Laird’s wife appeared before him, her face streaked with tears. She smiled and walked towards him as he desperately tried to remove her from his mind. He ran on, the cold air burning in his throat. Muscles began to ache, but he pushed forward, running fast. Trying to forget, his thoughts swirled inside his head. There was nothing he could do, he reminded himself. He was as powerless now as he had been his whole life without realising. It did not stop his desire to help, which was now becoming almost a need.
Susan felt her eyes widen in wonder as he galloped across the river. A highlander, his gold hair streaming behind him in the wind as he rode her horse back to the castle, back to her. The horse had never liked her husband, sensing his cruelty before she had. She had seen him as he tore away from the stable earlier, into the dense trees. How had the highlander found him? He must have wandered onto the crofts. Strange, considering he usually steered clear of flocks of sheep. They seemed at ease together as they approached the castle. Lithe and strong, the rhythm of their movements came together in harmony. They rode on, closer and closer. She wished they were coming for her, to take her from this prison and away to a new life. But her dream was broken as the highlander realised how close he was getting, pulling up suddenly and stopping their ride. Leaping to the ground, he patted her horse on the nose and then pushed him away. He trotted to the stables reluctantly, and she understood how he felt. Returning to the Laird, wherever he was, always proved a trial of strength.
***
As the sun rose, both were deep in thought, the desire to escape their lives shifting their focus from other matters. Aidan was far into his hunt, but had not successfully caught anything. His mind was elsewhere, in a cycle of musings about human nature and whether he should – or could – help the Laird’s wife. These thoughts punctuated his usually grave concentration, fragmenting it. This broken concentration did not help him hunt, and he knew it. For Susan, distraction did not change anything. It was a welcome escape from her life – instead of trying to venture elsewhere with her mind, it happened for her. Still, it made her restless. Her pacing would wake up her husband if she kept it up any longer. She looked out at the clear day and decided to go for a ride, taking a fresh cloak instead of the still wet one from the previous day’s events.
Susan mounted with assistance from one of the stable-hands, thinking about how the highlander’s thighs had gripped and steered her horse effortlessly only hours before. The air was cool but warmed as the sun gradually ascended in the sky. They trotted briskly, the fresh air swelling in her lungs to fill her with a strange energy. It wasn’t a conscious decision, she told herself, but the horse seemed to know where she wanted to go. She let him run, admiring how quickly and easily he could leave for a new place. If he wanted, he’d be gone in a second. She was thankful for his loyalty to her, the one remnant she had left of a life without the Laird. When he began to turn away from the crofts, into the forest, she was confused. Trying to turn him back to the crofts, where the highlander must reside, he snorted and refused. Laughing at his resolve, she trusted him enough to let him take her where he wanted to go. Determination not lessened from her resistance, he fell into a canter through the shady trees, curving back to the river they had already come across.
It had been similar to this in her dream, only the sun was reflected in it now rather than the stars. The trees around the banks seemed to bow to the bubbling water as her horse walked up and down the river side. A red deer appeared, eyes wide as it looked at her horse, quickly turning and running away. For the first time in what seemed like forever, she felt relaxed. The Laird was far away, and did not know where she was. It was a refreshing kind of freedom to be out in nature, away from the stony confines of a castle.
She let out a sigh, full of all the emotions she had suppressed in her time with the Laird. The anger from yesterday prevailed, and though she knew she should not, she felt ashamed. It was not her fault he was cruel and inconsiderate, but it was so often laid on her that it became her burden too. She realised she was not alone when a yell responded to her loud sigh.
“You scared the deer away!” She couldn’t see the source of the voice, but there must have been someone there.
“I apologise, I didn’t realise hunting was important here,” she spoke into the dark green blur of forest.
“The first one I’d seen all day – how else are we going to eat?” He emerged from the shadows and he was angry, but it was not rash or violent. He simply seemed upset, and not with her, but with himself. The crossbow slung across his back was like a natural extension of his body as he removed the bolt with a long, fluid motion. The bright golden hair atop his head was a sure sign that this was the man she had seen earlier. Somehow, she was not surprised. It was as if she had known he would be her.
He, on the other hand, was shocked. “Lady, I am so sorry…” he stammered, falling into an awkward half bow, the nervousness and formality of his speech jarring with his strong face and demeanour.
“Don’t be sorry,” she said, a faint smile playing on her lips. “I’m Susan.”
“Aidan,” he said, raising a hand. “I’m sorry for the – uh – rough greeting. Hunting is tricky today.”
Her horse, after standing still for a good few minutes, decided to walk over to him. As he nuzzled his face, she noticed that Aidan was smiling. His face opened up, eyes crinkling as he laughed. “He recognises you from last night,” she said, still smiling, but there was something more serious in her eyes.
“You saw that?” he hadn’t seen her then. She had thought that as he looked back at the castle, their eyes had met briefly.
She nodded, suddenly seeming less happy. “The Laird could have seen it too. You have to be careful, I can’t imagine how he would treat you if he knew.” He was surprised to hear the defiance in her voice. She called him the Laird, and not her husband, though he was that too.
“Me and the rest of the crofters, right?” Thinking about what she was saying, last night seemed reckless. How could he call himself a good man if he risked the crofters’ wellbeing for his enjoyment? But that was what he did, even now. Every word of this conversation was a step closer to the edge of a precipice with a fatal drop.
Nodding again, she appeared sad and regretful. Seeing the emotions churning within her as she considered the fates of the crofters, people she did not even know, tore him apart. He could not understand how she had withstood the Laird. No-one he knew could be this empathetic or forgiving after living with such a monster. “How do you do it?” The question came out of his mouth before he could think it through. He needed to know how she found the strength to keep going, when the Laird brought her down every day.
She had thought this through, figured it out – he could see it as her face closed over. She took herself back to the first time she’d had to consider how she would do it. A week into their marriage, he had hit her. The fist swung through the air slowly, the alcohol on his breath changing the way he moved, but she did not think to defend herself. It had been unexpected, not something her mother had prepared her for when she had told her about marriage. She had broken down, a sobbing mess, but he’d only fed on it. He did not feel sympathy, this she had learnt. To him, she was a possession. So she closed herself off to it, transported herself away to some other place. “I escape.”
Susan’s mind was her sanctuary, the one place her husband could never touch. His lack of emotion meant that he had never been able to connect with hers, corru
pting them as he had her body. She didn’t let the bruises reach deep within her, glad that he could only damage her on the surface.
Aidan saw the damage which she did not realise was there as she closed herself off. Her resistance to harm was effective, but almost too effective. She put up walls, and he felt their strength now. They were good for protection, but he wondered when the last time she’d trusted someone was. They were made for assault, not for kindness or understanding. Of course, he could hardly speak of emotions. He did the same as her, resisting any change so that he could not be hurt. His walls were just as well reinforced as hers.
But as they continued to talk, he felt a softening. It came from both of them, each with an understanding of the other’s situation. He recognised her, seeing her in a different light to the vulnerable woman on the ground, thrown in the mud. She had not met a man like him before. Reserved yet open, he listened to the words that were beginning to tumble from her mouth, faster and faster. The day stretched out before them as the sun climbed higher and higher, the hours seeming to lengthen as they filled them with words and feelings.
A quickening of the wind was the only warning sign they noticed before the sky opened up. Rain pelted them from above, the cold water piercing through clothing as they stood exposed by the river bank. Already drenched, they walked into the shelter of the trees laughing. When they began to shiver, the seriousness of the situation hit them. The river was rising quickly, and they would need to find shelter before the rain began to come through the trees. “I know somewhere we can shelter,” Aidan said. She let him lead her to an abandoned hut in the woods. Hunters had used the cabin, before the crofts had been set up. His grandfather had shown him it, and it was useful to shelter or rest on a long hunting trip. Sometimes, he would just go there to think. He told her all this, the cabin awakening a kind of nostalgia he hadn’t shown before. He had his escapes too, she realised. Her life had been tumultuous, but never boring. There was always something which she could focus on to get her through. It must be difficult to have nothing like that.
The inside of the hut was warm and dry. The smell of wood and dust came to her nose, a homely scent which allowed her to relax. In that way that smells so often did, it brought her back to her childhood home and her family. The sound of rain burst and popped but it was distant, removed from their sanctuary in this hut. Aidan suddenly seemed shy, as if welcoming her into his home. He set out a chair for her and found a dry cloak to drape around her shoulders. It was simple and calm inside the hut, none of the hurry the rain had brought outside.
He smiled at her, seating himself on the bed – there was only one chair, which she now occupied. The dull light from the sun was only now coming around to midday, illuminating the rain as it fell in sheets. Their meeting had been rushed and strange, but it fell into place perfectly. Like a piece of him had been missing, and was now present, in her. It was right, and he felt this now as he looked at her across the room. Her red hair was curled and damp from the rain, and her pale eyes were invigorated with an energy that he felt channelling into him. As she spoke her lips moved precisely and with a great amount of care, thinking about everything she said before it came out of his mouth. This was a skill he had never mastered, but it did not matter here – the things he should not say only made her talk more. When she was excited her hands moved through the air, drawing shapes and places and things, showing him what she was talking about as well as telling him.
At times in the conversation she was somewhere else, her mind wandering to the past or the future, not here. This came naturally to her, used to escaping as she was. She wished for the ability to remain in the present for a little longer now that it was a place she wanted to be. A place like this had been cultivated in her mind for such a long time that she could hardly accept it –or him – as real. It was as if she had been waiting for him, and he for her. Talking and laughing with him like this felt like coming home.
As they watched they other, the knowledge they found through their conversation made it natural to see the other person in much closer detail. Leaning forward across the small space inside the hut, they did not realise how close together they were getting. Eyes shining with excitement, each discovered that a new life lay hidden deep in the other’s gaze. Their faces almost touching, Aidan broke off with a laugh. He had not talked to someone like this ever in his life. It hadn’t bothered him; he just hadn’t realised it was something he needed. At ease, he was not thinking of anything but this moment.
The change in mood hit him when she leaned back. Her eyes were sad, their happy reverie broken. Everything that stood between them flooded his mind, making the space across the small room seem miles long. He longed to reach towards her, to pull her face to his and make that smile and the light in her eyes come back. He shut his eyes, pulling a hand through his tangled and damp hair. She watched him secretly, memorising the action as he moved. Erasing the tension from his face in her mind, she stored away this picture as one of a happy moment, visualising his crooked smile creasing his eyes, his nose twitching as a laugh began. All of this was a preparation for what she must tell him. She took in a breath, and began to speak. His eyes were still closed. “It’s stopped raining.”
Eyes flicking open, he nodded regretfully. Pushing himself up from the bed seemed to take considerable effort, though his muscles were not strained. Internally, he was fighting a battle he knew he should not be considering. Her radiant eyes were all he could think of. He reached down a hand to help her up from the chair. She took it without hesitation, but neither of them had expected the rush it would bring. An energy passed between them, leaving both of them reeling as they stopped moving, held still by their touch and the meeting of their eyes. The lingering grip seemed to last forever as they held each other’s gaze. Her eyes were wells of emotion, full of everything she knew she should not say to him. Storing these thoughts secretly away had been futile, she realised as his eyes found hers. His gaze dug them all to the surface, recognising that they matched his.
It was with their eyes and not their lips that this first kiss occurred. A mutual understanding, a give and take exchange of emotion which already meant so much to them before that first meeting of lips. Still it was bliss, and they were lost for many more moments in the sweet support of each other’s arms. Their mouths moulded to one another, changing for the better with this new exploration. His mouth on hers was hot and strong, yet still gentle. He was careful with her, and she could feel his hesitance as his tongue met hers. She pulled him closer, letting him know that she was more content now than she had been in a very long time. Her lips melted into his, moulding and changing with his every movement. They responded and diverged, just as in conversation, their connection not lost to any set movement or formality. Shivers ran down her spine as he rested his hand in the small of her back. Their words seemed insufficient and pointless next to the million things that they said now with their lips, with their arms, and with their hearts. Bittersweet longing and the weight of their forbidden love flavoured these moments, tainting them with sadness. Wrapped in each others arms, they knew they had to return. She sighed heavily as this burden returned to her shoulders, and he felt the weight too.
They rose slowly, reluctant to leave the warmth of the cabin. Walking out into the midday sun, they were different people to the ones who had entered. Together they had undergone a transformation, knocked down barriers and healed deep wounds. She rested her head against his shoulder as they looked at the world they emerged into. It seemed a different place too, the forest cleansed by the rain and now full of a bright, illuminating light. The shadows of the trees surrounding the cabin were welcoming and full of promise. He helped her mount her horse and gave one longing kiss of goodbye. Neither knew how they would meet again, only a faint hope of another encounter allowed in their minds.
***
The Laird was furious. Susan looked around the room for anywhere else to turn, but there was nowhere. The walls were bursting with his hulkin
g figure, balled muscles tensed and ready to strike her. He did not like that she had been out half the day in the woods. Her independence frustrated him, and he did not understand why she could not be content with embroidery or other such menial tasks, as the wives of his brothers were. She had nothing to say to him. His brothers’ wives were content in their marriages because they were not tied to a monster, an inhumane giant with brute strength and a grimacing face. Twisted into a grimace, his beady eyes looked at her with disgust.
If he wished to accuse her of adultery, call her a whore and denounce her in front of his men, he could. She cared little. It was nothing he hadn’t done many times before, and he would not realise that this time had more reason to it than any other.
Aidan and his lips were at the forefront of her mind. He had been so gentle and kind, understanding of her situation even before she had told him of her life with the Laird. He had seen her and set out to help her. She believed this with all her heart – Aidan was the saviour she had dreamed of, and thought about now to escape her harsh reality of pain and confinement. Steadying herself for the hard fists she knew would begin to hit her, she conjured the hut in the woods with her thoughts. Here she would reside until the pain was over, far away from the real world. Aidan was there too, helping her forget the present and stay in her imagination. He held her as she began to feel what she knew would soon form a bruise.