So I just … went on. I shoved it out of my mind like it didn’t exist. I kept up the lie to myself that I had a lingering flu or something. But one night Archie and I were watching some bad reality show on his couch and a commercial came on for one of those home pregnancy tests. A young couple was so excited about their first child! It was a blessing! It was like those two cute actors were looking right at me. Are you that stupid, Josie? they were saying. Are you going to keep pretending like it’s not real, like it’s not happening to you?!
Archie got up to refill the popcorn and I just sat there, finally letting it wash over me. My period wasn’t irregular. I’d missed it. Twice! I wasn’t sick in the morning. I had morning sickness. I jumped off the couch. The whole room was spinning. Now I was really going to puke. Archie came back and I mumbled some excuse about not feeling well.
His face dropped. “You were supposed to stay the night. Is something wrong?”
I could barely manage to put together a decent story. I even forgot to kiss him goodbye as I rushed out the door. As soon as I got outside, I pulled out my phone. I was panicking, but I couldn’t tell Jack. Without thinking, I called Dayana and she answered on the first ring. I’m not sure if she even understood what I was saying, but it didn’t matter.
“Come pick me up,” she said.
She came out of the house and walked to the driver’s side. “Slide over, Clay.”
I asked her to drive to a pharmacy far away to make sure no one would see me buying the test. I imagined the headlines on some gossip site. Sunny Horizon Orphan Knocked Up! Sunny with a Chance of Child!
In the store, Dayana held up two boxes from the shelf: one blue, one pink. Both claimed to be the most accurate test on the market. “Which one? Ah, fuck it, let’s do both.”
She took them to the counter for me. When the clerk eyed her she stared him down. “It’s for my grandma.”
Dayana drove me home and walked me into the house. Jack was eating pizza in the kitchen. “I thought you were sleeping at Archie’s.”
I couldn’t even look at him.
“I called her with an emergency,” Dayana said. “I’m going through some stuff. Girl stuff.”
I knew Jack could tell something was up. He could always tell. “Everything okay, Jo?”
“Yep. All good.” My voice sounded high and fake.
“You and Archie are good?”
“Uh-huh.”
“So this is the real deal, huh? You two. Have you two talked about what happens next year?” he asked.
Dayana grabbed one of his pizza slices. “Honestly, Jack,” she said. “Can the girl just get through today? We’re having a sleepover. Don’t bother us.”
Dayana kept me from sprinting up the stairs into my room. She led me to my bathroom, closed the door, and locked it. “You can do this, Jo.” She opened the blue box first, unwrapped the stick, and handed it to me. “Have at it.”
Hand shaking, I held the stick under the stream and put it on the counter to wait. Three minutes. “What do I do for three minutes besides panic?”
“Know any good jokes?”
“I am one.”
“Don’t say that.”
“You’re right. It’s not funny.”
“So … you and Archie, huh?”
“Yeah. Me and Archie.”
To take my mind off things, Dayana told me about Connor, the guy she used to like. How he slept with her and then pretended it never happened.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “That’s the worst. And you didn’t even have someone to talk to about it.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“You do now.” The time on my phone ran out. “Can you look?” I asked.
Dayana picked up the stick. “It’s a plus, Jo.”
“No. No. There could be false positives, right? The tests say they’re not a hundred percent accurate.”
“Let’s give the other one a shot.”
This time I sat down to pee on the stick and I couldn’t get anything to come out. Dayana turned on the water for inspiration. Finally, I squeezed out enough and put this stick on the counter next to the first.
Another three minutes of hell. Washing my hands. Drying them off. Then washing them again.
Bing. In the window a tiny pink YES popped up.
I wanted to scream and throw the boxes across the room, but I knew Jack would hear and come running. Dayana stuffed all of the evidence into her bag as I sat down on the floor of the bathroom and wrapped my arms around my knees, hugging my body in as close as I could. Dayana put her arms around me and held on tight. I buried my mouth into her shoulder so that Jack wouldn’t hear me crying. Neither of us said anything.
I didn’t want to be a mother. I didn’t want to be an orphan. I just wanted to be.
I heard my phone buzzing on the sink.
Hope UR OK.
Goodnight. Love you.
Dayana stayed with me all night.
I woke to my phone buzzing again. “That’s Archie. You should go home.”
“You sure? I’ll stay as long as you want.”
“I’ve got to get out of this bathroom some time.”
“What’re you gonna do? You know, about—”
“I don’t know. I don’t know.”
“I’m here … for whatever. Whenever.”
“Thanks. Love ya, D.”
“You too, Jo. It’s gonna be all right.” She left and I picked up my phone.
Good morning. Hope U slept well.
Let me know if you want to talk.
UPS guy!
Birth certificate. Aaaaaah!
Ok. Don’t want to beg. But please can U join my panic party?
P.S. UPS guy was wearing shorts. Is it spring already?
Archie could always make me smile even at the worst of times. And this was pretty bad. I couldn’t ignore him. I couldn’t make him go through this on his own. I looked through a stack of drawings he’d given me. I had to do this. For him. I texted back. On my way.
I didn’t know how I was going to face Archie, but he needed me and that was all that mattered. I mean, he and I … We were … This was our … God, it was hard to admit, even in my head. Hard not to drive my car into a tree, too.
When Archie opened the door, I went into his arms. For a second I almost told him right there, but he handed me the envelope from the state.
“I couldn’t open it.”
* * *
Archie’s mother was eighteen! That was the first thing I saw. I watched him read it and I knew I couldn’t say anything today. I had to help Archie and not make things any more complicated for him. He’d been waiting a long time for this day. He deserved to have it. But keeping the secret from him was even harder than I could’ve imagined. I don’t know which part was worse, dealing with it alone or lying to him. On the drive to his birth mother’s restaurant, I pretended to be asleep. It was easier that way. I promised myself I’d tell Archie the next time we were together.
But I didn’t tell him. And then I didn’t tell him again. And again. Guess I was just waiting for the right time.
* * *
Of course, none of that would matter when our plane broke apart and crashed in the Atlantic Ocean. We were still thrashing about more than ever. The overhead bin kept opening and closing with a thud behind me. Every time it slammed shut, I jumped and felt the seat belt, tight across my middle. It felt like this had been going on for hours. And still no word from the flight crew. At least the baby in front of me had stopped crying. Through the space between seats, I could see that he had fallen asleep in his relieved mother’s arms. She kissed the top of his head.
“What were you just thinking about?” Archie asked.
I told him. I spoke softly so that only Archie could hear me, but I was surprised at how easily it came out.
“I’m pregnant.”
He looked at me like I was making a crazy joke. “Trying to take my mind off the turbulence? That’s desperate.”
“It’s
true,” I said. “I took a test. Twice. I’m pregnant, Archie.”
“You’re serious?”
I nodded. Archie’s lips moved, but he didn’t make a sound. It was like he was doing one of his rambling things, only nothing was coming out.
“Good timing, huh?” I said.
“You were feeling sick. This is why?”
“Yeah.”
“How long? How long have you known?”
“A few days,” I said. “I don’t know why I waited to tell you.”
“But … we were … careful?”
“Not every time.”
Archie looked like I’d just dropped a weight on him. He probably had a thousand questions. But he didn’t ask any of them. I don’t really remember him saying much at all. He just unbuckled his seat belt and held on to me. The plane was still chaotic, the luggage and the cans and the carts banging around the aisle. Archie was untethered now, and a heavy jolt might send him flying. So I held on to him.
I don’t know how long we clung to each other, but at some point the plane stopped rocking as it finally traveled into smooth air. The captain removed the fasten seat belt sign, and the flight attendants got up to start putting the cabin back in order. All over the plane, people were laughing and breathing easier. I saw Jack pry his fingers off the armrests.
Archie let go of me. “I have to use the bathroom,” he said. I thought it was strange that he was taking his sketchbook with him. But he gave me a smile and kissed me on the cheek. “Be right back.”
The plane was steady and quiet.
We were going to make it.
20
ARCHIE
I locked myself in the airplane bathroom with my sketchbook so that Josie wouldn’t see me FREAK out. When she told me she was pregnant, I managed to keep it together just long enough to survive the turbulence and stagger up the aisle. But now as I looked at myself in the mirror, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ready to come out.
I let my glasses fall into the sink and splashed water on my face. This was not the face of someone ready to be a father. This was the face of someone who still read comics and had a room full of action figures. Look at the job I did taking care of Lucas. Imagine what I’d do with a baby. A baby with two teenagers for parents, with no grandparents. A baby who was black and white and would feel everything I’d felt growing up. Confused and lonely and unsure of where he belongs. Only he or she didn’t have my mom and dad. This kid would be relying on me to make it better. I sat down on the closed toiled seat, opened my sketchbook, and started to draw.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
“Archie, you okay in there?” Jack was knocking on the bathroom door.
“Be out in a sec!” My voice sounded unnaturally high and shaky.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
“Hurry up, man. We’re landing soon.”
“Coming!”
I wiped off my face and shoved my glasses onto my nose. Josie was waiting for me. I knew she was just as scared as I was. Josie had been disappointed by so many people she’d counted on. Her coach. Her dad. I couldn’t add myself to that list. I wasn’t sure if I could be strong enough for her, but maybe I could pretend to be strong enough. I’d spent my childhood telling lies. I was prepared to tell the biggest one of my life.
I unlocked the door and slid it open. Jack was standing there staring at me. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want him to see what might be on my face or in my eyes. I just needed to be away from him. So I gave him a thumbs-up. Jack look surprised, but gave me a thumbs-up in return as I squeezed past his enormous body to return to my seat.
As I walked down the aisle, the baby started screaming again. It was a terrible, piercing cry that went right through me. Dayana was in my seat when I returned. She got up as soon as she saw me. I could see on her face that she knew.
“Are you okay?” Josie asked. Her eyes were wide and clear, but she nervously chewed on her bottom lip.
I took a deep breath and did what I needed to do. “I’m good,” I lied, ignoring the baby’s screams. “Great.”
For the rest of the flight, I stuffed down the urge to panic and played the part of the caring, selfless boyfriend. Like I was an actor in a movie. I asked how she was feeling and how far along she was. (Nauseated and about two months.) I told her we’d go see a doctor as soon as we got home and we wouldn’t have to tell anyone else until she was ready.
Every time the baby cried, I felt my eye twitch. And I could see Josie flinching, too. I imagined what someone cool and together might say in this situation if he was cool and together. I promised her that whatever decisions had to be made, we’d make together. Neither of us mentioned the infant yelling its head off two feet from our faces.
* * *
The good thing about trying to keep Josie from seeing me wig out about the pregnancy was that I didn’t have time to be afraid of the second flight. And there would’ve been plenty to be afraid of. The plane was small and ancient. Just like our parents, we were flying from St. Martin to Anguilla, and just like them we were the only five passengers on the flight. There was no rampway to the plane, no connection to the terminal. Just a rusty set of metal stairs in the middle of the hot tarmac. But there was only so much room in my panicky brain for fear. The needle was already pinned on red.
As we walked out to the plane, Harrison looked back toward the terminal.
“Move it along, Rebkin,” said Dayana. “What’s the holdup?”
“Nothing,” said Harrison. He tapped three times against the outside of the plane as he climbed up.
That’s a guy who is not good at lying, I thought. I saw everything that was going on inside him.
All the seats on the tiny plane were singles. We were each on our own. Josie took the seat directly behind me; I kissed her before I sat down. Still keeping up the lie. But I made sure not to look to see if Jack was watching.
For a small plane, the engines were incredibly loud. But even if they’d been silent, I’m not sure any of us would’ve talked during that flight.
We were about to relive our parents’ last twenty minutes on earth. I thought about Mom and Dad and the others boarding a plane just like this. Laughing, excited to be with their best friends in the world. Together they’d had fifteen years of good times and difficult ones. There were fights and divorces. Illness. Money problems. Kid problems. Lots of kid problems. And they had their secrets. But these were the people they’d chosen to share their vacations with—to share their lives with.
I was with my best friends, too. We hadn’t chosen to be thrown back together, but we’d chosen to be here, on this flight, together. And we were together. Behind me was the girl I loved, and she was pregnant with our kid. Mom’s and Dad’s lives ended on a flight like this. Mine was never going to be the same.
The plane bounced along the runway before lurching into the air. We stayed low enough where we could still see boats and the reef under the water. In front of me, Jack reached across the aisle and squeezed Dayana’s hand. I looked over at Harrison, whose eyes were fixed on his watch. I knew exactly what he was doing. Counting off the exact amount of time it had taken before our parents’ plane crashed. I saw him mouthing the numbers. Three, two, one. When we passed that milestone, he let out a long sigh. I craned my head around to see Josie behind me.
She was looking out the window with tears streaming down her face. “It’s so beautiful.” I could barely hear her over the engines.
The water was crystal blue below us. It was so close in color to the sky that it was tough to tell where one ended and the other began.
The plane passed over the beach and landed gently on the runway in Anguilla. I walked down the metal stairs and touched the ground. My parents had never made it this far.
I gave Josie a squeeze. “I’ll catch up to you in a minute,” I said.
“What’s wrong?”
“I need to make something right.”
As Josie walked away I reached into my pocket for my phone and made an intern
ational call.
Lucas took a few rings to answer. “Archie?”
“Hey.”
“Where are you?”
“I’m here.”
“Anguilla.”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
“I just wanted to say … I’m sorry, Lucas. You were right about me being a shitty brother. But you were pretty shitty, too.”
“Yeah,” he said. “I guess I was.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t ask you to come here with us. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to be your brother … I’m sorry about Mom and Dad…”
The phone had gone silent. “Lucas? Lucas, are you still there?”
“I’m here. What’s it like?”
“I’m still at the airport, but … we flew over the beach. The sand is very white and the water is so blue and … It’s … I feel them here. I can’t really explain it, but I feel them.”
“Yeah…”
“How about we come back here when school ends. You and me.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“I’d like that.”
“… Lucas?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ll never let you down again. I promise.”
He didn’t say anything for a long time, but I could tell he was still there.
“Archie? We were lucky to have them, weren’t we?”
“Very lucky.”
* * *
The sun was beating down on our necks as we exited the Anguilla airport to look for a taxi. Josie was flushed and sweaty, but she wouldn’t let me pull her suitcase to the taxi stand. The rush for cars was total chaos. Every time a car would pull up, there would be a mad dash to claim it. Harrison spotted an open taxi and sprinted across the road, just barely missing being struck by a minivan. He waved us over with both arms. Dayana tried to point out that the car was too small for the five of us and our bags, but Harrison insisted it would be fine.
The Year They Fell Page 24