He followed me. “You’re just gonna walk away again?”
I stepped on the sand just as Archie grabbed my arm as hard as he could and spun me around to face him. He took off his glasses and put them in his pocket.
“Go ahead, hit me. Knock me down. Do what you have to do to feel better about this. I know you hate me right now and you think I ruined Josie’s life by getting her pregnant. You think I’m not good enough for her and you’re probably right about that. But … just know that if you don’t knock me out or kill me or at least maim me severely—which are all possibilities—I’m gonna get back up and I’m gonna keep getting back up because Josie needs me. She needs me whether you like it or—”
“I knew it was going to happen,” I snapped.
“What?”
“I knew she’d get hurt again. I saw it and I did nothing.”
“Hurt by me?”
“I swore I’d never let her down again and I did. Just like I did back then.”
“Back then … You mean with her coach?”
“I could’ve stopped it. One word to Dad or Mom. Or even if I’d said something to Jo. It never would’ve happened like it did. Instead he just hurt her over and over. He showed up in that car, and I let her walk out of the house. I let him do it. He changed her. He made her sad and lonely and scared. And I let him. She was just a kid.”
“So were you, Jack. You were just a kid, too. Your mom and dad should’ve seen it. The other parents on the team. So many people who could’ve done something. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.”
My whole body started to shake and heave as I turned away from him.
Archie just kept going and as he went, he seemed to get more confident. More in control. “And this … I know you think Josie’s in trouble, and I’m not going to pretend like this isn’t a mess. You already heard me admit that. And so did Josie. But this is not like when she was fourteen. I’m not that guy. I’m not saying I know what to do or exactly how to make this any easier for her. This is crazy and scary and I just turned eighteen and I don’t know anything about anything. I don’t even have parents who can help or give advice or just tell me we’re gonna figure this out. So I guess I have to say it myself and believe that we’re gonna figure it out. Because what I do know is that I love her, Jack. I love her. And I will spend every second of every day treating her the way she deserves to be treated.”
When Archie was done, he was breathing hard, but he held his back straight and his chin still stuck out. “So go ahead. If you’re gonna hit me, just get it over with so I can get back up and go find Josie.”
22
HARRISON
-Survive flight from Newark to St. Martin.
-Survive smaller flight from St. Martin to Anguilla.
-Meet Agent Michael Boddicker at Royal Anguilla Police Headquarters.
-Show MB results of my investigation.
-Demand answers about the crash.
-Justice for Mom and her friends?
-Develop new Plan.
I paused on the veranda of the Royal Anguilla Police Headquarters. I had never been inside a police station before, and certainly not one surrounded by lush grass and palm trees. I was exhausted and I had blisters on both feet from walking here with Dayana. When Josie fled in the taxi, Jack took off running. He didn’t even say anything before he left. He just grabbed his bag and disappeared. And then Archie went after him. My bags were heavy with research and books. I couldn’t have kept up.
“Go ahead,” I said to Dayana. “Go to the hotel. Find Josie.”
“What about you?”
“I’m going to the police station. I need to talk to the agent. I thought that’s why we were all here.”
“I’m not sure that’s why everyone is here. But you’re not going by yourself. Lead the way.”
I reached for the door to the police station. My hand shook so much I had to steady it with the other.
“We don’t have to do this now,” said Dayana. “We can find everybody else, come back tomorrow.”
“I came here for my mother.”
“She’d understand.”
“No. Jack and Josie and Archie may have left us—”
“They didn’t leave us. They’re just figuring shit out.”
“So am I.”
Inside, the station didn’t look all that different from the gritty precincts I’d seen in movies. Desks with landline phones and stained coffee mugs. I approached the desk and announced myself to an officer in a white uniform. She looked me up and down.
I brushed off my filthy shirt and tucked it into my pants. “Hello. Hello. My name is Harrison Rebkin from the United States. We’re here to meet with Michael Boddicker of the NTSB.”
The officer looked at me as if I were speaking a different language. “I’m sorry?”
I reached into my briefcase and produced a copy of the email Agent Boddicker sent me. “I informed him that my friends and I would be coming down here during our spring break. Here’s the email he sent back, promising to meet us here on this day to discuss the findings of his investigations.”
“Investigations?” Her accent was thick and pleasant.
“Investigations into the plane crash that killed our parents.”
Her eyes got wide and she opened her mouth, then closed it again. “Come with me if you please.” She led us into a small, windowless room.
As soon as she closed the door, I started to feel warm and nauseated. “We’re not going to find anything, are we? There’s nothing here.”
“You don’t know that,” said Dayana.
“He’s not here. He didn’t mean it. He’s not here and nobody is going to tell us anything about the crash. We’ll never know the cause or the meaning of any of it. Jack was right all along. It was a colossal waste of time and energy.”
“You’re giving up already?”
“Do you have any pills with you?”
“You don’t need them.”
“Don’t you?”
“Sometimes, but I’m trying not to. Harrison, stay with me. You okay?”
My hands tingled and my jaw clenched tight. My heart was pounding and my lungs wouldn’t fill.
“Is it happening?” she asked. “A panic attack?”
“Glitch.”
“A glitch. Whatever. Stay with me. You’ll get through this.”
“3.14159 … 3.14159 … 9 … 59…” I closed my eyes trying to summon more digits, but they wouldn’t come. “What’s wrong with me? I can’t remember…”
“You don’t need to count. You can do this, Harrison. Just breathe and hold on.”
“Can’t—can’t breathe…”
“Yes, you can.”
“Mom … would be so disappointed.”
“What are you talking about?”
I gasped between words. “I … failed … her.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s … true. She’s … dead and I … failed her.”
“No way.”
“She would be so—so … disappointed…”
Dayana banged her hands on the table. “Then screw her.”
“What?!”
“Screw her if she’d be disappointed. Look at you. Look at what you’ve done this year.”
“I … failed.”
“Bullshit! Tell me how you failed.”
“The investigation … Harvard … The Plan.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? You failed? Harrison, look at me. Your mom died in a goddamn plane crash the week before school started. You lived alone for months before your deadbeat dad finally showed up. And when he turned out to be a douchenozzle, you had the balls to kick him out of your life and start over again. All of this while still being at the top of the freakin’ class.”
“Second in the class—”
“If you ask me, second in the class is nothing short of an honest-to-God miracle. Emotionally, you may be a basket case like the rest of us, but in the world, you’re a fucking rock s
tar. I don’t know anybody else on the planet who could’ve pulled off what you did this year. Not me. Not Mackenzie whats-her-face. And definitely not your mom.”
“Don’t say that! She had dreams. I still hear about them in my head.”
“Fuck her dreams. And if your mother would be disappointed with you after what you’ve accomplished, then fuck her, too. Fuck her a million times. If she put that voice in your head, then she was a terrible person, and you’re better off without her.”
“Stop saying that! She was the best person I’ve ever known. She gave up everything for me. And all she wanted was for me to be happy.”
“That’s not what you just said.”
“Then I was wrong. I was wrong. The voice in my head … It wasn’t her. She was my mom. My best friend. She was all I had.” My eyes were blurry from the tears. “When Pop left, you know what she did? She slept on the floor of my room every night so that if I got scared or lonely I could put out my hand and hers would be right there to hold it. It didn’t matter if it was two o’clock in the morning. Her hand never wasn’t there. Never. And still … when I turned thirteen for some reason I decided I wanted to go see Pop. He was living in Florida at the time. So I bought myself a train ticket and I tried to sneak out in the middle of the night. When I got to the porch, she was waiting. She knew.”
“Was she pissed?”
“No. She put her arm around me and kissed the top of my head. ‘Sometimes I look at you and I just marvel,’ she said. ‘Because the universe seems so random. I’m twenty-three years old and I show up late to my friend’s party. Your father is looking for some other house down the block and he stops to ask me for directions. If I’m on time, if he’s not lost, thirty seconds in either direction and we never meet. We never fall in love. Random events produce something so incredible: my son, the gift of my lifetime. I marvel.’ That’s what she said. ‘I marvel.’” I wiped my eyes and looked up at Dayana. “She was all I had and now she’s gone.”
I looked down at my hand. Mom wasn’t there to hold it anymore. But before I could even process that thought, Dayana was grabbing my hand and squeezing. “She’s not all you have. Not anymore.”
“We should be with Josie,” I said. “She needs all of us.”
The door opened and a large man in a blue shirt stained with sweat walked in holding a file.
“Hello, Harrison. My name is Michael Boddicker.”
23
JOSIE
It was just a beach. Not a wide one or a beautiful, pristine one like on the postcards Daddy used to send us when he’d go away. Just a small, rocky stretch of sand and water on the edge of a little town. I took off my shoes and dug my toes into the sand. There was no plane debris or police tape or any other reminder that something terrible happened near here. I don’t know what I was expecting. Just, more than this. I thought being here, it would feel like walking into a cemetery. Hallowed ground, I think they call it. Out there was the place where my whole world changed, and it felt like … nothing.
In my mind, I’d step onto this stretch of beach and Mom and Daddy would be here with me. Comforting me. The night before we left, I’d been in the shower when I had this crazy fantasy. I’d show up here and suddenly I’d hear their voices in the surf.
“I’m so sorry, jellybean,” Daddy would say. “I’m sorry I didn’t keep you safe. I’m sorry I let you down.”
“We’re sorry we left when you needed us,” Mom would say.
In the fantasy, I could talk to Mom and Daddy about Archie and Jack and my friends. Somehow they’d help me make sense of the crash and the pregnancy and how the people we love the most are the ones that hurt us.
I didn’t feel Mom or Daddy with me at all on that beach. Standing with my feet in the sand, I could barely remember what they looked like, the sound of their voices. If anything, the sound of the waves made them feel farther away than ever. This wasn’t a place to reconnect with them. It was a dead zone, a giant reminder that they were gone forever. There were no memorials here, no markers, nothing to tell the world that they ever existed at all. All that was here was sand and rock and a flat, empty sea.
I walked down to the sea until the warm water was lapping my ankles. I squinted up at the sun, my head suddenly feeling light and fuzzy. I looked down and tried to focus on seeing my feet through the water. But the world became washed out, too bright. I leaned down to splash water on my face and felt my legs going soft underneath me. I looked up again. The sun flashed and everything went white and I was falling. Falling into the water.
* * *
When I opened my eyes, my back was wet and sandy and there were four worried faces hovering over me.
Dayana was practically right on top of me, staring into my eyes. “I think she’s awake. Jos, can you hear me? You want some water? I snatched a bottle from the police station.”
Jack and Archie were kneeling on either side of me, each holding one of my hands. I saw the fear in their eyes. I was still trying to piece together what happened.
“You’re gonna be all right,” said Archie.
“Let her answer that,” snapped Jack. “Jo, you there?”
Harrison studied his phone. “Fainting can be a common symptom of pregnancy, due to the dilation of the blood vessels. Excessive heat, stress, and low blood sugar.”
“Blah blah blah,” said Dayana. “We got it, genius.”
Dayana gave me a sip of water while the guys argued about whether they should call a doctor. I lay there and watched them try to take care of me.
“Hey, aren’t you guys the Sunnies?” I croaked.
Dayana shook her head. “Seriously?”
“Somebody want to explain how I ended up down here?” I tried to sit up, but Archie put a hand on my shoulder.
“You passed out just as we were getting to the beach,” he said. “You fell right in the water.”
“So that’s why my butt’s wet. That’s a relief.”
Dayana spritzed me with water. “You just can’t resist being dramatic, can you?”
I grabbed Archie’s hand and pulled myself up. “How did you know I was here?”
“We didn’t,” said Archie. “We just showed up.”
“All four of you?”
“Just me and Jack.”
“You and Jack?”
“Yeah,” said Jack. “How about that.”
“Harrison and I had a feeling you’d come here,” said Dayana.
I picked up some sand. “It’s not even that nice of a beach.”
For a long time, no one said anything. We all just stared at the water.
“There’s nothing here,” said Jack. “Nobody would even know. At least when there’s an accident on the highway, they put up those little crosses and people leave flowers.”
“We should put a marker here,” said Archie. “To remember them. I could make a little sign or…”
“It won’t last,” said Harrison. “The water will wash it away.”
We all let that sink in.
Then Archie spoke again. “Someone could say something. You know, some words for them.”
“That’s a nice idea,” I said, but nobody said anything. We all avoided eye contact.
Finally, when nobody volunteered, Dayana cleared her throat. “Fine, if you cowards aren’t going to step up, I’ll start. What do I have to lose?” She took a breath and flicked a look up at the sky. “Hey, everybody. Bet you’re surprised I’m here. I am, too.” She paused for a moment, looked at me, and kept going. “Look, I’m sure you don’t want to hear a lot from me, so I’ll make it quick. I just want to say that your kids … They loved you a lot. Love you a lot. Losing you was the shittiest of all breaks. And they miss the hell out of you. Every day. Nobody knows that better than me. So even though none of you was perfect—some less than others—you must’ve done something right. ’Cause I look around at these four weirdos … and I can see they’re gonna be all right. Even if they don’t know it yet. Okay, so, uh, rest in peace, I guess.” D
ayana started to sit down, but I had an overwhelming urge to hug her. I practically tackled her and we fell down into the sand.
“Thank you,” I whispered in her ear.
Harrison turned and gave a wave to a large man standing beside a black car parked at the edge of the beach. The man’s face was severe and weathered. He wore a shirt with the sleeves rolled up and his forearms bulged. As he got close to us, he reached into his pocket and revealed a shiny badge in a black case. “Hey folks.”
“This is Michael Boddicker,” said Harrison. “He works as an investigator for the NTSB. He came to the police station, but I asked him not to give me the results until we were all together.”
“Nice to meet you all.” Boddicker spoke with the hint of a southern accent. He opened up a satchel and produced a manila file folder. Boddicker tapped the outside of the folder. “As of two days ago, our investigation into the crash of the Island Hopper flight 206 is closed.”
“I don’t understand,” I said. “Over?”
Boddicker looked to Harrison, who nodded. Agent Boddicker paused before opening the folder and looked around at us. “Are you sure you all want to see this? It’s not graphic, but it has some hard truths about the crash and how it happened. Do you all want to know what happened to your parents?”
I met Jack’s eyes. He nodded. “Yes,” I said. “We want to know why they died.”
“Okay then.” He handed the folder to Harrison, who slowly lifted the cover. The first pages were a typed report. Behind that were color and black-and-white photos of the beach and the water and sections of the plane that had been recovered. Harrison skimmed through the report, making little noises and clucks.
Archie pushed him along. “What does it say?”
Harrison cleared his throat and read from the NTSB report. “Examination indicates that the left outboard wing lower-attachment lug fractured through an area of preexisting-fatigue cracking in the lower lug ligament.”
“What does that mean?” I asked.
Boddicker turned to me. “Ms. Clay?”
“Yes, I’m Josie. Now please tell us in a way we can understand.”
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