by Neil LaBute
The other pieces that are collected here are a variety of monologues and/or shorter plays that were part of larger benefit performances (Black Girls, Totally and 16 Pounds) or started out as the script for a short film (BFF). Each was given life by wonderful actors and directors and exists in that rarified air that is the short dramatic or comedic work—it is a lovely and exclusive club and I’m always glad when I’m asked to be a part of it.
Exhibit ‘A’ felt like an apt title for the entire collection since everything we do as theater artists is routinely placed under the public microscope and duly examined like evidence in a trial. We are watched and judged and criticized or applauded in the same way that other workers punch the time clock: it’s just a part of our lives.
We who do theater do it because we cannot live without it. We simply can’t do anything else and even if we could, we wouldn’t want to. It is not a matter of choice; it is a matter of necessity. It is everything to us. Theater is both a blessing and a curse and the longest and greatest love affair of most of our lives.
I wouldn’t have missed it for the world, even if—spoiler alert—I do die in the end, just like Peckinpah’s notorious bank robbers before me. Bad news is: it probably won’t be in a hail of gunfire by Federales but something lame like high cholesterol or heart disease. Oh well, it’s not everyone who gets to die in glorious slow motion and spurting gallons of ketchup …
I hope anyone still reading this finds some pleasure buried inside these pages. Know that I did my best writing these plays. Even when they’re not perfect, be assured that I tried my hardest each time out.
On a bad day, they suck a little. On a good day, they hardly suck at all (and are, in fact, pretty okay).
May you be reading this on a very good day indeed.
Neil LaBute
November 2015
CONTENTS
PRAISE FOR THE PLAYS OF NEIL LABUTE
ALSO BY NEIL LABUTE
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
COPYRIGHT
DEDICATION
PREFACE
10K
HERE WE GO ROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH
HAPPY HOUR
I’M GOING TO STOP PRETENDING (THAT I DIDN’T BREAK YOUR HEART)
EXHIBIT ‘A’
16 POUNDS
BFF
BLACK GIRLS
SOME WHITE CHICK
THE UNIMAGINABLE
TOTALLY
10K
10K had its world premiere at 59E59 Theatre as part of the “Summer Shorts” play festival series in New York City in July 2015.
It was directed by Neil LaBute.
MAN J.J. Kandel
WOMAN Clea Alsip
A slash ( / ) indicates the point of interruption between the present line and the next speaker’s line.
Silence. Darkness.
A stretch of green. Rolling fields with trees in the distance. A path leading off and over the horizon.
A WOMAN stands before us, dressed in work-out clothes and stretching.
She looks very athletic and wears form-fitting clothes. Fancy shoes. She does a fairly complex warm-up routine.
After a moment, a MAN shows up, starts doing the same thing on the opposite side of the grass.
Dressed in regular work-out clothes. He does a couple stretches and a few arm swings. That’s about it.
For a long moment it’s just these two people out there in the tall grass. Warming up for a nice, long run.
After a bit, the WOMAN glances over and speaks:
WOMAN … so nice out today. Right?
The MAN smiles and nods. Looks around. Up at the sky.
MAN Gorgeous.
WOMAN No kidding.
MAN And no humidity!
WOMAN I know!
Silence as they keep warming up. The sun smiling down.
MAN That’s lucky. Right? I mean … this part of the country? We’re pretty lucky.
WOMAN Uh-huh.
MAN For this time of year …
WOMAN Exactly.
A bit more stretching. Another thoughtful comment.
MAN Later in the season.
WOMAN Yep.
MAN August.
WOMAN Right.
MAN Kids back to school soon …
WOMAN Not me.
MAN No?
WOMAN Nope.
MAN Oh. (Points to ring finger.) But … you are …?
WOMAN Yes. And I have one. That’s two. (Beat.) Wait! (Beat.) Ha! I mean one child. Just turned two.
MAN Got it! So … they’re always …?
WOMAN Yep. Right there. She is always right there. Underfoot.
MAN Ha! I remember it well …
WOMAN I’ll bet.
MAN Oh yeah!
WOMAN You? (Beat.) Girls, or …?
MAN Boys. Two. Great kids, but … you know. (Mimes going crazy.) Into everything …
WOMAN Boys.
MAN Yep.
WOMAN My husband wanted boys …
MAN We all do! Husbands. We think so, anyway … until we’ve got ’em …
WOMAN True.
MAN Yeah … then one trip to the mall cures you of that stupid idea …
WOMAN Ha! (Pointing.) Well … I should probably get … going …
MAN Ok. (Beat.) You want some company … or …?
WOMAN Oh. (Thinking.) Sure. Ummmmmm …
MAN Great.
They nod to each other and then start to “run” (in place) along the path that winds away in front of them.
There they are: running along together now and each lost in their own thoughts.
Jog, jog, jog.
MAN Seriously. Two boys in a toy store and all bets are off. (Beat.) I think the Chinese are actually on to something …
WOMAN Ha! Wait … they … like boys, don’t they?
MAN Oh … ummmmmmm … I’m not sure. Do they?
WOMAN I think …
MAN I thought they didn’t like anybody …
WOMAN Ha! No, I think that’s the Koreans.
The MAN laughs at this and smiles. Points at her.
MAN Yes! Exactly! My mistake …
WOMAN No problem. Or … at least North Koreans.
MAN Right! I knew it was somebody Asian!
WOMAN It’s the girls they don’t want. (Beat.) The Chinese, I mean …
MAN Oh, yeah … I think you might be right about that …
WOMAN It’s something along those lines. They give ’em away or whatever. Or kill ’em.
MAN … no …
WOMAN I’m not sure. (Beat.) Do they throw ’em in the river or am I completely making that up?
MAN Oh, geez, I dunno … that’s … ummmmmmm …
WOMAN I think so. They toss ’em right in the river. Don’t they? That one major … The Yellow River or whatever.
MAN Wait, what? No!/ You can’t say that …
WOMAN Sorry?/ What?
MAN I just … the “Yellow” River? Really?
WOMAN What?
MAN Isn’t that just a wee bit … you know … racist? Or something?/ China? “Yellow” River …?
WOMAN No!/ No, that’s …
MAN … ahhhhhhh … kinda …
WOMAN I mean, I didn’t make that up—not just filling in the blank with any old word—that’s a real place. The Yellow River.
MAN Oh.
WOMAN Just like the, ummmmmm … the other one … the bigger one … The Yangtzee. That’s the main one. In China.
MAN Oh, sure. Yeah. I’ve heard of that one.
WOMAN ’Course. (Beat.) But the “Yellow’s” a river there, too. Just so you know …
MAN Okay. Cool./ Didn’t know that …
WOMAN It’s true./ Seriously, though … they might actually do that … throw their girl babies right in the …
MAN They kill ’em? Really? That’s …
WOMAN Or they used to or something—in ancient times—I feel like I’ve read that but I could be … I’m not sure now. (Beat.) But I do know there are lots of Asian ba
bies that get adopted and I think they’re mostly girls.
MAN Now that is true … I mean … when you see one, or hear about it—or Angelina buys another one—it’s usually the girl babies coming over here … right?
WOMAN Mostly. (Beat.) The unwanted ones.
MAN Huh. (Beat.) That’s wild.
WOMAN But … yeah, anyway … mine’s great. We’re not throwing her away! (Beat.) Giselle.
MAN Ha! Tom Brady must be very proud …
WOMAN God! (Beat.) Is it that obvious?
MAN Kinda.
The MAN smiles at her as they jog along. She smiles in return. Thinking before she says:
WOMAN I thought so! (Beat.) I told my husband it would be but he didn’t listen … oh well. She really is beautiful, though … so …
MAN Great.
WOMAN And so lovely. So sweet.
MAN Lucky you. (Beat.) I don’t mean that my boys aren’t that … aren’t “nice” or whatnot, because they’re terrific, they are … I just meant in general. You know? (Beat.) Boys can be a real … workout …
WOMAN I bet.
They run in silence for a moment. Jogging away down the path.
She checks her Fitbit as he wipes away sweat.
WOMAN It’s warming up …
MAN Sure is. (Beat.) I try and get out here in the mornings … before it’s too hot—well, at least during the summer. Rest of the year I usually go about noon or so … I mean, give or take …
WOMAN Me, too.
MAN Uh-huh. I feel like I’ve seen you here before …
WOMAN Yeah? (Beat.) You look familiar, too …
MAN Thanks.
WOMAN Oh. Okay. That wasn’t really … I mean … that wasn’t a compliment or anything.
MAN True! Ha! (Laughs.) Sorry!
WOMAN No, I just mean …
MAN No, you’re right … I’m sorry!
WOMAN It is nice to see a familiar face … even if it’s one you don’t really know …
MAN I get what you mean.
WOMAN Feels a little bit safer … out here in the woods and all that. Off the beaten …
WOMAN Right. (Pointing.) It’s a great place to run, though … isn’t it? Overall, I mean?
WOMAN The game preserve?
MAN Yeah.
WOMAN Amazing! All these trails and stuff … or around by the pond and then up through … totally. I just totally love it out here. (Beat.) So great …
MAN Me, too.
WOMAN Uh-huh.
MAN My wife hates it.
WOMAN Yeah?
MAN Ummm-hmmm. “Nature.”
WOMAN She hates nature?
MAN Well, it’s on her list, anyway …
WOMAN Ha!
The MAN doesn’t say anything for a beat or two. Then:
MAN Her hatred of things does not actually end at “nature” but it is definitely included on her rather voluminous list of stuff that she … quietly despises …
WOMAN Wow.
MAN Yep.
WOMAN That … sounds …
MAN It is.
WOMAN Yeah?
MAN Yes. (Beat.) Intense. (Beat.) Very.
WOMAN Sorry.
MAN No worries. It’s just my … thing …
They run again together for a bit in silence. The MAN then taps the WOMAN on the shoulder.
He signals that he is about to stop. She stops as well.
WOMAN You okay?
MAN Yeah, I just … feels like I’ve got a rock or something … in my shoe …
WOMAN Oh. Alright.
MAN I’m gonna … I didn’t mean for you to … you can go on if you want to … if you need to be …/ I just have to get this whatever-it-is outta my … you know?
WOMAN No. Cool. Go for it./ Sure.
MAN Great. Thanks.
WOMAN No problem.
MAN Thanks for that. For waiting.
WOMAN Happy to. (Beat.) Nice to run with someone …
MAN Agreed.
WOMAN My husband and I used to—before we had the baby and all that, but—plus he’s switched jobs now and so he’s … all …
MAN What?
WOMAN He travels sometimes. (Beat.) A lot.
MAN Got it.
The MAN reaches inside his shoe and produces a small rock in his hand. He studies it.
MAN One of the drawbacks of off-roading …
WOMAN My husband?
MAN No! (Holding up pebble.) This!
WOMAN Right! (Smiles.) Your wife would probably hate that … right?
MAN Yeah! Gravel in her shoe? That’d be … yep. Like the universe had singled her out for complete humiliation. (He throws it away.) That’d ruin her whole day … one little pebble.
The guy smiles as he puts his shoe on. Ties it. Stands.
WOMAN Alright. You good?
MAN Absolutely. Let’s do it …
They nod at each other and take off running. Quiet for a bit while they get back into the rhythm of their pace.
WOMAN How far?
MAN ’Scuse me?
WOMAN How far do you usually go? Out and back, I mean …?
MAN Oh. I see. (Thinking.) I guess about six miles or so …
WOMAN Yeah?
MAN Uh-huh. Takes around an hour.
WOMAN Right. (Beat.) Which is about 10K, right?/ I’m the same. I’m only doing five today—right now, I mean—I’ve got a meeting this morning … well, not a “meeting” but a hearing … it’s … nothing. This “thing” so I’m just doing five right now.
MAN Ummmmmmmmmmm … I think so. Not sure./ Got it. You’re doing a 5K but usually you do the full ten.
WOMAN Yeah.
MAN That was something I just never caught up with in school. (Gestures.) All … that …
WOMAN What? Metrics?
MAN Yep! I was the worst … so bad at all that shit! (Beat.) Sorry, didn’t mean to swear.
WOMAN That’s totally okay.
MAN I know, and thanks, but I didn’t mean to. (Beat.) But yeah … after, like, the sixth grade I was dead in the water. Math was just … like … (Mimes his head exploding.) BOOM!
WOMAN I was always pretty good at math …
MAN That right? Good for you! (Beat.) I can remember telling people—even some of my teachers—that I was never gonna use any of that stuff again. Algebra? Calculus? Or even geometry …
WOMAN You told your teachers that?
MAN I did! I was kind of a big mouth back in those days … (Laughs.) And I was right!! (To her.) You ever needed to know what the volume of a parallelogram is? Hmmmmmm? Or a, a, a … cone?
WOMAN … ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm …
MAN Exactly! (Beat.) Volume of an “ice cream cone,” maybe, but that’s about it! And the volume of an ice cream cone is full. That’s how much ice cream should be in a cone. Full. To-the-top. (Laughs.) Right?
WOMAN Ha! That is so true!
MAN I’m just saying …
WOMAN No, you’re completely right about math. Even though I didn’t think it was too bad … I’ve never really used it much. (Beat.) As an adult, I mean …
MAN My point exactly! So many hours wasted in school—when I could’ve been studying all kinds of other things.
WOMAN Such as?
MAN Oh, you know … I just mean in theory … of course … “in theory” there were all sorts of other classes that would’ve made more sense and better prepared me for life …
WOMAN Go ahead. I’ll bite.
MAN God, I hope so …
WOMAN Ha! (Swats his arm.) That was dumb …
MAN I know! Sorry …
WOMAN All good. It was funny, though …
MAN Thank you.
WOMAN Anyway … (Beat.) What other classes?
MAN Like … I don’t know … auto mechanics, for one thing!
WOMAN Good one!
MAN Right? Changing oil in cars today … they now make it so nuts up under there … so, that’d be good … ummmmmmmmm … cooking …
WOMAN We did that.
&nbs
p; MAN Yeah?
WOMAN Well, “Home Ec.”
MAN Oh, yeah, we had that, too, but … you know … guys don’t wanna do that … with all the sewing! It sounds so … whatever.
WOMAN Feminine?/ Ha!
MAN Kind of./ Girly.
The WOMAN laughs and shakes her head. He smiles at this.
WOMAN Ha! Guys are so funny …
MAN Yeah. Look who’s talking …
WOMAN Oh, I know! Women are, too … but …
MAN What?
WOMAN I don’t know … you’re all so …
MAN Hey … at least nobody throws us in the river! So …
WOMAN Well, that’s … don’t use my own facts against me! That’s not fair!!
MAN Ha! Okay, okay …
WOMAN But, no … you’re right … women do lots of silly crap as well … but guys are just …
MAN I know! We’re weird. (Beat.) We’re weird and retarded and … just … yeah. I know.
WOMAN Yes. I’ll give you that.
MAN You, too, though! Just a different kind of weird.
WOMAN Yep. (Beat.) Anyhow … what else?
MAN Hmmmmm?
WOMAN Classes!
MAN Oh! Right! (Thinks.) Ummmmmmm … some sort of money management … people skills … a general sense of morals and … ethics … if they are, in fact, different things.
WOMAN Ha! They are … I think. And which would be … what?
MAN Right and wrong! Like … taking turns in line at the deli … that sort of thing …
WOMAN Ha!
MAN Managing “road rage.” The basics.
WOMAN Perfect!
MAN Sex education …
WOMAN Uh-oh. Now you’ve done it …
MAN What?
WOMAN Nothing, no … just … ahhhhhhh …
MAN Seriously … what?
WOMAN I was kidding.
MAN No, go ahead. What?
WOMAN You know … (Beat.) We managed to not talk about that subject for about 15 minutes or so … a man and a WOMAN together. SEX.