by Neil LaBute
She smiles at this. A little laugh. TED laughs now, too.
CLEO Really? You blew it, huh?
TED Oh, God yes! With all the— (Miming how he ate.) And I don’t really need much help in that department, anyhow. Embarrassing myself. (Beat.) SO …
CLEO So then who’s it gonna hurt? I don’t know you … won’t be able to pick you out of a line-up by tomorrow, with all the dirty martinis I’m drinking, so … go for it. (Smiles.) This is your big chance!
TED Yeah? Is that what this is?
CLEO … could be …
TED Ok, then. Just for fun.
CLEO Absolutely. I love fun. (Beat.) I am a good-time girl who loves me some fun! So: proceed.
TED I was gonna say when you stopped by me here, like you did a minute ago—to not fall in love with me. To be careful.
CLEO Really?
TED Yep. Just giving you fair warning!
CLEO I see. (Beat.) Well … thank you. Thanks.
TED My pleasure! ’Least I could do.
CLEO I mean, how was I to know, by stopping right here, that I might … actually …
TED Exactly!
CLEO That’s very kind of you, sir!
TED I’m just that sort of guy! (Smiles.) I’ve got this sixth sense about things and it was just kind of rolling off of you … in waves … how much you were wanting me.
CLEO God, and I thought I had you fooled!
TED Sorry.
CLEO No, no … my mistake. Obviously. There’s just no excuse for it. Forgive me.
TED Hey, it happens! Just the other day I was saying that to somebody … or someone—is one of those more right than the other? In proper grammar?—I’m never sure …
CLEO I dunno. (Beat.) Does it really, though? Happen to you a lot? People wanting you? Hitting on you? (Beat.) Yeah, prob’ly all the time … nice-looking guy like you.
TED Ha! (Beat.) Truthfully? No, almost never.
CLEO “Almost?”
TED Well, I met my girlfriend that way, but—sorry, no, wait, my fiancée, I’m supposed to call her my fiancée …
CLEO … okay …
TED And, actually, she wasn’t really hitting on me but she did talk to me first, asked me the time and so, yeah … she made the first move, I would say … in a court of law.
CLEO Got it.
TED But other than her, though, no … not any other times in my life. Not even once … (Beat.) I’ve been “hit on” none times.
CLEO Ha! Except today.
TED Right! But … no, but you weren’t really trying to … and I was kidding with you earlier. I was just playing around.
CLEO Oh. You were?
TED Yeah, I mean … yes! I was just … sorry, did I offend you or something? I didn’t mean to. Honestly. I didn’t.
CLEO No, no, not at all.
TED Good! Because that’d be … good. I’m glad.
CLEO About what? Not offending me … or …?
TED I guess! I’m a little bit drunk, so I’m not completely sure of anything that I’m saying at any one time but yeah … yes, I think so. I did not mean to make you mad. Or upset. Or … any of the above …
CLEO I’m not. At all.
TED Cool! You’re very nice! (Beat.) And I mean that in a completely impartial and casual and mostly … non-sexual … sort of way.
CLEO Thanks. You too.
TED And you? You here with anybody, or …?
CLEO Nope. I’m alone. (Beat.) For now.
They smile and listen to the music. Bouncing to the beat.
TED Did you wanna go dance … or something?
CLEO Yeah?
TED Sure.
CLEO … ummmmmmm …
TED I mean … go ahead … I can totally watch your drink for you. If you want.
CLEO Oh. (Beat.) But not with you?
TED What?
CLEO You’re not asking me to … do you wanna go dance?
TED Wait … what? (Beat.) With you? (Beat.) Go out there and dance with you …?
CLEO General idea.
TED Ahhhhhhhhh …
CLEO It wouldn’t suck. I promise.
TED No, I’m sure … of course … but …
CLEO It’s cool. No worries. I get it. (Smiles.) Your lady ….
TED Yeah … probably not ideal.
CLEO It’s just a dance.
TED Still. (Pointing.) People.
CLEO Okay. (Beat.) Got it.
TED Damn. (Snaps his fingers.) Sorry.
CLEO Too bad. (She shimmies a little.) I like this “house music” stuff …
TED That’s what this is called? House Music?
CLEO Yep. Nice.
TED What’s that mean exactly? That term?
CLEO What, “house music?”
TED I’m just curious. Isn’t it a genre of …?
CLEO It’s … like … you know … electric … or, I mean … not “electric,” but “electronic.” But also … (Laughs.) Shit! I don’t know!
She pulls her phone out of her purse. Motions for TED.
CLEO Let’s look it up. (Searching the Internet.) Hmmmmm …
TED I prefer “Google,” but …
CLEO Yeah? I still use “Yahoo” for most everything. I’m kinda old school with all this techno stuff.
TED “Yahoo.” Cool. That works. Occasionally. You could just … no. Nothing.
CLEO What?
TED It’s not a big deal, but you’re … if you do it that way—opening a new page each time, extra applications—it only slows things down. Easier if you … just …
CLEO You do it.
TED Oh. Sure. Yeah. (Takes her phone.) You would…just … if you move your finger over to—see? Like that.
CLEO Ahhh! Sweet! Nice shortcut, big guy …
TED Thank you. No biggie, but it just saves you a step or two … which adds up …
CLEO True. (Beat.) Is this your profession?
TED Ha! No … I’m in sales. I sell. Things. In the overseas market. Overseas stuff. Yep.
CLEO Oh, right, that’s why you’re … with that bunch. Over there. The Seven Samurai …
TED Ha! I’m “Ted,” by the way. Or you can continue to use big guy if you prefer, but … yeah. Ted. My name.
CLEO “Cleo.”
TED Oh. Nice. “Cle-o.” (Beat.) Short for …?
CLEO Just that. “Cleo.”
TED Interesting. Pretty. Not “Cleopatra?”
CLEO Nope! For a French girl. In a movie.
TED Oh … good.
CLEO Dying of cancer.
TED Oh … bad.
CLEO I mean, maybe. She’s not sure. She thinks so … like, that’s the whole film … her as she waits to find out, for two hours, and her going around Paris with friends … but hey … it’s French, so … it’s really more about them smoking cigarettes and fucking and, you know … that sort of deal. (Beat.) So, yeah. My mom saw it in college, loved it, then I’m born and so BANG! That’s me.
TED Right. (Beat.) Foreign film, I imagine.
CLEO Yes. Unless you’re French, of course.
TED Right! Got it! “Cleo.” (Shakes her hand.) Hey, Cleo, I’m Ted. Hell-o. Anyway! (Back to her phone.) And there it is … “Wikipedia.” Now you can do whatever …
CLEO Got it! (Reading.) And … “House Music.”
TED Great … let’s see what they say.
CLEO Alright. Here goes. So … (Reading.) House Music … is a genre of electronic dance music that … originated …
TED That’s what you said. “Electronic.”
CLEO Sorry?
TED No, I’ll shut up. Sorry. Go for it.
CLEO … electronic dance music that originated in Chicago in the early 1980s. Huh. It was initially popularized circa 1984 in Chicago but fanned out to other major cities in North and South America, as well as … (Reads in silence.) … early house music was generally dance-based music … blah blah blah … rhythms mainly provided by drum machines, off-beat hi-hat cymbals and synthesized bass lines. Okay. Cool … (Beat.)
While House Music displayed several characteristics similar to disco music … it was more electronic and minimalistic. Agreed. It is kinda like disco, don’t you think? A little? I mean … similar …
TED Kind of. Yeah.
CLEO I think so, too. (Reading.) … House Music has also fused with several other genres creating various sub-genres …
TED Nice! “Sub-genres!”
CLEO Yes. “Sub-genres.” (Reading.) … such as Euro House, Tech House, Electro House and—of course—Jump House.
TED Ahhhhh! I love “Jump House!”
CLEO Me, too!
TED Really?
CLEO No, I have no idea what the hell that is.
TED Me, either!
CLEO Good! I like you even more now! Because of that! (Puts her phone away.) Well … that answers that!
They nod at this new bit of info. He gets their drinks.
TED Daft Punk.
CLEO What? (Listening.) This is?
TED No, this isn’t … I’m saying that band. The two helmet guys? Daft Punk? They’re kind of this type music. “House Music.”
CLEO Yes! Got it! (Thinking.) That’s true …
She starts to sing a little bit of “Get Lucky” and, with some prompting, he joins her. They toast each other as they drink.
CLEO Alright, it’s settled! No karaoke for us!
TED Ok! Excellent! (Smiling.) I’m gonna go get another drink …
CLEO What?
TED I’m dry. Out. I’m going to go get another one … the bar …
CLEO Oh … okay!
TED Want anything?
CLEO I would not hate you if you brought me one more little-tiny-baby dirty martini.
TED Ha! Can do!
She bows to him. TED laughs and does the same. Heads off toward the bar.
CLEO looks in her bag. Pulls out her phone. Checks on her “look.” Takes a selfie just as TED returns.
CLEO … hey there.
TED Hi. (Beat.) What’s up?
CLEO Nothing. Just swaying to this sub-genre of House Music, that’s all.
TED Ha! Yeah … sounds like “Techno House” to me …
CLEO Could be, could be … I was thinking “Euro House,” but you know—you might be right. (Takes martini.) Thank you, sir!
TED Pleasure!
CLEO Ummmmmmm! Now that is dirty! Yummy!
TED This is going really well! I’m so sorry that I’m not trying to pick you up!
CLEO Oh. So … you really aren’t trying?
TED Nope, uh-uh. Not at all.
CLEO Ok.
TED Forgive me! It’s got nothing to do with you. (Beat.) Did I mention I’m engaged?
CLEO You did, yes.
TED Good, because you’re supposed to … if you are. Usually girls want you to mention it right off the top, first thing, so there: I am. Now you know. (Beat.) Some guys are not as forthcoming as me … but that seems wrong to me! Bad manners!
CLEO I agree!
TED Whereas I am getting it out in the open right up front … (Shouts.) “Hey, people! All of you can stop coming on to me right now! I am engaged here, so knock it off!”
CLEO Yeah! Back it up, bitches!! Back-it-up!! Thank you for that! (Looks around.) Everybody seems really relieved …
TED Well, I was getting a little fed up with all their crap! (Turns to her.) Especially you … you need to keep your hands off me, young lady!
CLEO Sorry! (Hands held high.) My bad …
TED I have little or no interest in you. “Little to none,” is the actual phrase, I believe … little-to-no-or-none interest in you. (Beat.) Ok, I’m done … now … I think.
CLEO I see. (Beat.) Well, thank you … I guess?
TED Sure! Just being clear-ish about things.
CLEO Ok. But you’re still standing here, so … you are kinda interested, though, right?
TED No, that’s not … no! Absolutely not. I’m just trying to explain myself. That’s all I was … right? Wait … lemme think. (Beat.) I’m … sure that I’m not … you’re a really pretty—as in “attractive”— person but … no, I’m sure! I’m not interested in you!!
CLEO And thus your warning earlier. Right?
TED Exactly! Several warnings, in fact.
CLEO True. And … that was just … for …?
TED Your own good! Yes! To save you any sort of, like, heartbreak down the road … or later tonight, even. (Beat.) After.
CLEO Ahhhh. “After.” (Smiles.) My favorite.
TED Yeah, you know … that’s when people get a little bit weepy or whatever. “After.”
CLEO You mean “after” all the … (Makes a few hand gestures.) … good stuff.
TED Yeah. Later tonight or even, maybe … the next morning if they decide to, you know.
CLEO That’s when “people” get upset usually? Is that what you’ve discovered …?
TED It’s been known to happen. I mean, to others. People who do those things … you know, behind the back of loved ones. Whom they’ve already made commitments to.
CLEO I see. But not you?
TED Virtually unheard of with me! And since I’ve been engaged … not once. (Beat.) That’s zero number of times.
CLEO Interesting.
TED Simple fact, really. That’s all. I’m the faithful type. (Beat.) Yep.
CLEO Which is why you warned me before?
TED Yes! Exactly! Now you’re catching on!
CLEO It was more of a humanitarian gesture …
TED That type of thing! Not on like the scale of the U.N. or anything, but basically of a similar nature. It all springs from the desire to bring joy and do good things … same as them. Seriously. (Beat.) This is like one of those peacekeeping missions.
CLEO Ha! (Beat.) Ok, that’s maybe a bit much! Let’s be honest: this has been fun but if I said “Let’s go upstairs right now” you would follow me like a lost little dog.
TED Nooooo! That is absolutely … not … true! (Beat.) No, you just … you kinda make me nervous. That’s all. Little bit nervous.
CLEO Oh, really?
TED Yes! But I would not go upstairs.
CLEO And why’s that?
TED Firstly, there’s a drug store on the next level—street level—so that doesn’t even make sense, unless that’s a veiled signal for me to buy lube … which is … just …
CLEO Ha! NO!! (Beat.) You know what I mean! To my “house,” then! With me. To my place.
TED Well … that’s obviously … different.
CLEO And …?
TED What?
CLEO If I said that … “Let’s get out of here and go to my place,” you’d come with me, right? (Beat.) Wouldn’t you? (Beat.) Ted?
TED I’d … no. I wouldn’t! Plus, I’m here with people … my clients, which I already told you about. They’re … Japanese …
CLEO Bullshit! And what does that have to do with anything? Them being Japanese? Or “Asians,” technically?
TED … they wouldn’t understand … they come from a very ancient culture. (Beat.) These people stab themselves all the time over practically nothing, so … no. I wouldn’t.
CLEO I do not believe you.
TED Well, try me then. (Beat.) Go ahead!
CLEO Yeah, but … if I ask you now … you’ll just reverse it and say “Yes’” and then I’ll be stuck with you.
TED Oh, hey, thanks!
CLEO You know what I mean!
TED Ummmmmmmm, no, not really!
CLEO I was just making a point … before … not that I’d be “stuck” with you, but … what-ever! (Laughing.) You know what I mean!!
TED So wait, lemme get this—you don’t really want to sleep with me or … do all the …?
CLEO … what?
TED The other stuff! What you did with your hand gestures … before … (He tries to copy her earlier gestures.) All of the … you know! The “good stuff.”
CLEO Ahhhh. That stuff.
TED Hey, that’s what you called it! I’m not trying to be all … sexy guy
… here. You said it first!
CLEO That’s true. I did.
TED You totally did. So …
CLEO But you would, though … right? If I asked you to. (Beat.) Come on, be honest!
TED Go upstairs? Go directly upstairs?
CLEO No, not to the drug store! (Beat.) If I asked you nicely to come home with me—
TED … and you made those hand gestures …
CLEO Yes! (Smiles.) If I did that … (Makes a few more gestures.) … then you would come. If I asked you to. Correct?
TED And you can promise that my fiancée would never find out …
CLEO … not ever …
TED And you will raise the child that will no doubt spring from our … unholy union … on your own without any help from me, be it financial or, or fiscal … or otherwise …
CLEO … those are essentially the same thing but alright … yes …
TED … then there’s your answer! Right there.
CLEO What?
TED NO!! I can’t!! (Beat.) See? You’ve already fallen in love with me! Why?! Why does it keep on happening to me?!! WHY?!!!
CLEO No, wait … I’m being serious now! (Beat.) I know, I know, your fiancée and all that other … guys always say that kinda thing, the due diligence bit, but I’m gonna just cut to the chase now. Okay? You’re cute, I’m cute, so why don’t we do this? Plus all those first bits you said—the stuff that really does worry you about babies or her finding out—I’m down with that. This would just be you and me. One night only. No last names. Just two strangers. (Beat.) This is not a rebate, there is no coupon attached here, so it’s sort of a “now or never” thing. Ok? (Beat.) I know you’re thinking, what-the-fuck or serial killer but hey … I’m lonely, I drank a lot … so I’m asking.
TED Get outta here! This is so shitty to do to somebody! (Beat.) Who are you? Do you know these guys … these Tokyo guys? I’m being serious now! What?! (Beat.) Wait … did Mike do this? Set you up to do this to me? From my office? (Beat.) Seriously! This had to be Mike … or Curtis, maybe. One of those two guys! Which one is it?!
CLEO Nope.
TED Seriously.
CLEO I don’t know “Mike.” Or “Curtis.”
TED But this is … what’s going on here?! This would never just … this doesn’t happen!! Not to a guy like me. It doesn’t. It’s, like, some TV show thing, or … Ashton Kutcher jumps out now and surprises me. Right?! (Beat.) I’m being Punk’d!! DAFT-punked!!