by Neil LaBute
JOSH I think that’s more than fair …
JACK Well, good, ’cause I wanna be fair. (Smiles.) She is my BFF, after all.
JOSH … since college, apparently …
JACK That’s absolutely right. (Beat.) And like she said: we share every-thing.
They smile that wicked smile that comes with deception as together they entwine and retreat into the bedroom.
We watch them through the doorway for a moment. Fucking.
Silence. Darkness.
BLACK GIRLS
BLACK GIRLS had its world premiere as part of “NY Madness” at Atlantic Theater Company, Atlantic Stage 2 in New York City in September 2015.
It was directed by Marco Calvani.
GIRL Shayna Small
GUY John Concado
Silence. Darkness.
Two people sitting on a bench. Staring out. WHITE GUY and a BLACK GIRL. Just so you know.
GIRL … so. It’s “No,” then. (Beat.) Right?
GUY Ummmmmmmmmmmm … yeah, it is, but …
GIRL You won’t go with me? To the thingie? That’s what you’re saying …
GUY I guess. (Beat.) Yes. (Beat.) I mean “No.” (Beat.) But … to be fair … I really don’t wanna go to the office party, anyway … (Beat.) It’s not just you.
GIRL But if you did … if you had wanted to go or maybe decide later that you will go … you’re saying you don’t want to do that with me. (Beat.) Correct?
GUY Ummmmm … yeah. (Beat.) I’m sort of saying that … but not in a mean way. I’m just saying it like I’d rather not if that’s okay. (Beat.) If it’s all the same to you.
GIRL Well … that’s … it’s not really okay …
GUY Oh.
GIRL It hurts my feelings. (Beat.) A lot.
GUY I know, I can see that, but … that’s not what I’m trying to do here … I am being honest with you, that’s all I’m doing … (Beat.) We don’t really know each other that well … outside of work, I mean.
GIRL I see.
GUY So you should be glad about this. That I’m not lying to you and hiding how I really feel about you … or … you know …
GIRL And how is that? How do you really feel about me?
GUY Ummmmmmmmmm … you’re nice … you know? I mean, “very” nice. I’d say.
GIRL “Nice.”
GUY Very nice. That’s what I said. “Very.”
GIRL Okay. (Beat.) I’m “very nice.” (Beat.) And nothing else …?
GUY Well, I’ve always liked working with you, I will say that. You’re good to work with and that’s important … really important.
GIRL Great. (Beat.) Do you know how hard it was for me to ask you this? About the party? How long it took me to work up to it …?
GUY Ummmmmmm … no … I guess I don’t …
GIRL On top of all the time I’ve sat around … just hoping that you’d ask me out … then I finally get up the courage to see if we could do something together—some simple little thing like the office party—and you say No. You don’t think about it, or get back to me … it’s just flat out “NO.”
GUY Yeah. I’m sorry … but … that’s …
GIRL Is there someone else? In your life?
GUY Ummmmmmmmmmmm … no, not at the moment.
GIRL Okay, so … “NO,” then … it’s not that. (Beat.) Is it black women in general …? Do you have a problem with us and that’s what this is all about? “Women of color?”
GUY No! God, not at all … that’s not … no … (Beat.) I don’t.
GIRL Yeah? You sure?
GUY Absolutely not! Please don’t say that or, you know … spread a rumor about me that’s not true. (Beat.) I don’t feel that way …
GIRL Have you ever dated a black woman?
GUY Ummmmmmmmmmm … no. I haven’t.
GIRL But you like them? I mean, the way they look … and …?
GUY I haven’t really thought about it much … but no, I have no problem with them as … you know … people. Or women. Or whatever.
GIRL But …?
GUY As I said … no … I haven’t dated one. Up to this point. (Beat.) Not yet.
GIRL “Not yet.” Is there something that you don’t like about us … or our looks …?
GUY No. Not at all. Not generally, or … you know … and I think you’re very … I guess I just have a “type.” Or something.
GIRL You do? You have a type?
GUY I guess. (Beat.) Yes. (Beat.) Blondes.
GIRL Black girls can go blonde.
GUY Yeah, but it’s not … that’s fake. Dyed, or whatnot. Not like an actual blonde.
GIRL True. (Beat.) Okay, so you like blondes, then. But real blondes … right?
GUY I guess so. Yes.
GIRL So, very pale … pale skin and real blonde hair … blue eyes, probably?
GUY Yeah. I like that. Green’s okay, too … or even … what’s the other one …?
GIRL Brown? Like mine?
GUY No … more like … there’s another word for it … when they’re a mix … but like …
GIRL Hazel?
GUY Yeah! That’s it. Hazel. I don’t mind that even …
GIRL Huh. (Beat.) But not brown?
GUY Not my favorite.
GIRL Got it. (Beat.) Not brown. (Beat.) And what about hair? Like … my hair?
GUY What about it? (Checking phone.) I need to get back soon … lunch is almost …
GIRL I’m just asking. (Beat.) Do you like my hair? Or if it was blonde … would you like it then, or do you usually like it straighter … not curly, like mine is?
GUY Straighter, I suppose. If I was to …
GIRL What?
GUY I don’t really even think about all that stuff …! (Beat.) Not very often.
GIRL Well, that’s not really true now, is it? You’ve thought about the way I look … and you’ve decided that it’s not for you … isn’t that right? That I’m not your type or something like that …
GUY I didn’t say it that way! You pushed me into answering all those … I said I have a type. When I am dating … I often … or almost always … I date the same kind of girl. (Beat.) That’s not a crime, is it?
GIRL I don’t know. Is it? (Beat.) I’m asking.
GUY You’re not … look, I don’t wanna do this, what you’re doing here … you cornered me today, on my lunch hour … asking me about women and … you know … their hair and … eyes … and I don’t wanna do this sorta thing with you … I don’t like it. Please. (Beat.) I don’t want to go to that office party with you … I’m sorry but I don’t … people read all sorts of things into who comes with whom or goes home with whom and what you wear or how many drinks you have … all kinds of crap! You spend the rest of your year living that stuff down and so … no, thank you … if it’s alright I’d just rather not do that again … so I am being totally frank and open with you and I hope that you accept that and we don’t have a weird thing between us now. (Beat.) Is that enough? Did I explain it alright … or … just …?
GIRL So … you don’t want to have to spend the rest of the year living down or explaining your going to the party with me …? (Beat.) Did I understand that correctly?
GUY Oh God! NO! That’s not what I said … that is NOT what I said when I just said all that stuff … a second ago … it’s NOT … (Beat.) You’re slanting what I said.
GIRL But in a way you did say that … you said those very words … just now. To me.
GUY No, no, no … what I said was … or meant to say, at least … was … that … I’m …
GIRL How about my features … a black woman’s features … do you find them attractive? (Beat.) Do you think I’m pretty?
GUY Oh, for Heaven’s sake! Come on!!
GIRL Just tell me …
GUY Ok, ok, I will, because otherwise you’ll just keep … yes. You are. Just not to me.
GIRL Why? My lips? You don’t like full lips?
GUY I do … I mean … full is nice … but not exactly … like yours. (
Beat.) No.
GIRL Why not?
GUY They’re … too full. Puffy. And with all of that lipstick that you guys use …
GIRL “You guys?”
GUY In general! Not all black girls always … obviously not … but yeah, a lot of you …
GIRL Ok. (Beat.) Ok. (Beat.) And my nose? Do you like that, or … is it …?
GUY No. Not really.
GIRL Why? (Beat.) Go on, you can say it …
GUY It’s … you know … I like a finer … sort of … more delicate …
GIRL What?
GUY It’s thick. Kind of. Your nose.
GIRL I see.
GUY Just for my taste, though …
GIRL For your taste. Got it … (Beat.) And my body? Anything else about it that you like or don’t like? (Beat.) My ass?
GUY Jesus … ummmmmmmmmmmmmm … it’s big … I mean … you know … if I had to say something about it, then I’d say it was big.
GIRL Is that good or bad?
GUY It’s fine. I’m sure lots of guys like it.
GIRL But is it a “good” or “bad” fine? To you?
GUY It’s “big!” That’s all. Your rear-end is kind of big and, and soft … and that’s …
GIRL Too big? Is it TOO big? (Beat.) Tell me! Tell me!! TELL ME!!
GUY For what I prefer! Yes! I tend to like slimmer girls. Blonde, blue-eyed slim girls and that’s just me. It’s not a racist thing … like you’re implying … it’s not. It’s just my personal choice …
He stops for a moment, but he is on a tear now. Wild.
I mean … yeah! If you really wanna know! (Beat.) And I don’t really like your feet, either … the way your nails look after they get painted, I don’t like that. I think they look like elephant toes and when you sweat, it’s different than the way other girls smell, so that’s … and the way you treat your kids—not all of you, of course—but a lot of you … more than just a few. (Beat.) I have seen you slap your own children … hard … in the face and in public … and I do not like that. (Beat.) It’s maybe a social thing and accepted where you come from—not Africa, I don’t mean that—I’m saying wherever you grew up in America and I don’t know, maybe it’s like a cultural thing, but not here. We don’t do that here … it’s not acceptable. It’s not.
GIRL Huh.
GUY So … that’s … I don’t even know why I said all that, but … (Beat.) I gotta go.
GIRL I don’t have any children.
GUY Good. I mean … then I wasn’t talking to you, obviously. I was not including you in the people I was talking about … so just forget that I said anything … but that’s a pet peeve and it just slipped out because you were … pushing me …
GIRL Yes, but, who’re you talking about? (Beat.) Who? WHO?!
GUY Other people! Women I’ve seen out with their kids … like, you know … just … food stamp people. That kind of person. (Beat.) You know who I mean …! You do! Those black girls who get all up in the face of anybody who says something to them about child care … or … you know … who can’t listen to reason about things. Who have kids at 14 and live off of whatever … and … (Beat.) Nothing. Forget it.
GIRL Oh. (Beat.) Okay. (Beat.) Wow.
GUY I’m going back in now. (Beat.) Alright?
GIRL Yes … maybe you should …
GUY Fine. (Beat.) Sorry if that was … hell, I dunno. If I was … too …
GIRL Honest?
GUY Yeah. Or whatever. Whatever I was …
GIRL No, no. I’m glad you were. I appreciate your honesty …
GUY Look, I just wanna be … to have everything out in the open between us …
GIRL It is. I think it absolutely is now.
GUY So we can go back to like it was before.
GIRL Before.
GUY Us. (Smiles.) Just co-workers. Side by side. Without all the … you know …
GIRL Uh-huh.
GUY And not have to worry about this other stuff. (Beat.) The “man/woman” stuff.
GIRL Got it. (Beat.) No, I get it …
She doesn’t say anything else as he waits for her. After a moment, he gathers his things and stands up.
GUY Good. (Beat.) I hope it’s okay about the party and all that … us not going there as a … you know … some couple …
GIRL Yeah, it’s okay. (Beat.) Trust me. (Beat.) I am very very okay with that at this point …
GUY Good.
GIRL Yes.
GUY Cool. (Beat.) See you black inside, then … I mean “black” … “back” … “back” inside. I will see you BACK inside, okay? (Beat.) ’Kay? (Flustered.) And no hard feelings …
GIRL Yep. (Beat.) ’Bye.
GUY Okay. (Beat.) G’bye.
GIRL ’Bye.
The GUY leaves and the GIRL is left alone. She starts to get up but sits back down.
GIRL … no hard feelings.
She is about to say something else but can’t seem to form the right words. Her bottom lip continues to tremble.
Silence. Darkness.
SOME WHITE CHICK
SOME WHITE CHICK had its world premiere as part of the “TERROR!” festival at Southwark Playhouse in London, England, in October 2009. It was directed by Jason Lawson.
BRENT Matthew Stathers
BRIAN Michael Cox
CHICK Lucy Caplin
Silence. Darkness.
After a moment, the gloom lifts a bit and we can sense a young man sitting at a table. He’s watching something—the shrill sound of screams can be heard coming out of his computer’s tiny speakers. He chuckles. Hits a button and the shrieks begin again. He laughs. This is BRIAN.
Something in the corner under a tarp. Moving on occasion.
BRIAN finally stops what he’s doing and goes back to work on a project—he seems to be editing on his Mac. A flurry of different noises, then typing, then noises again.
A door opens in a wall somewhere and another young man—they’re both college-aged—enters. This is BRENT and he is carrying his backpack and groceries.
BRENT … hey fucker.
BRIAN Dude. What’s up?
BRENT Nothing. Cold out there.
BRIAN Yeah?
BRENT Uh-huh. I mean, for September …
BRIAN Right.
BRENT We’re gonna get the big, you know, Indian summer and shit soon but right now? ’S a cold one!
BRIAN ’S okay in here, though.
BRENT Yeah, sure, because we’re underground. That’s why …
BRIAN Oh. Yeah.
BRENT Know what I mean?
BRIAN Yep.
BRENT You stay underground when it’s cold you got a better chance of staying warm. It’s like hibernating.
BRIAN Right. (Beat.) … I thought heat rises.
BRENT Nope.
BRIAN Really?
BRENT Not when it comes to this. Seriously … right here is what the animals do. They burrow into their lairs and stay warm.
BRIAN I guess so. (Beat.) You see anything in the papers, or …?
BRENT Nope.
BRIAN Nothing?
BRENT Or on the news. I checked the locals and CNN. They’re talking about “some white chick” is all. Not even the lead story around here.
BRIAN Cool.
BRENT starts to unpack—groceries piling up on the table.
BRENT I got those chocolate things you like … they only had, like, two packs left so I snagged ’em both for you.
BRIAN Thanks, bro.
BRENT nods, then continues unpacking. BRIAN goes back to his typing. After a minute:
BRIAN Dude, is that true, about the animals and all their hibernating? Is it?
BRENT Yep. I mean, except for, like, dogs and cats and shit. Animals that decide to go live with people, then it’s whatever.
BRIAN That’s true—they only sleep like we do. Or during the day … I mean, if you leave ’em out at night and then they come in first thing in the morning, all cold and pissed off … then they sleep that day.
; BRENT Uh-huh—after they take a shit on the rug or something like that, though, right?! (He simulates taking a dump while doing his dog impression.) “Thanks a lot for locking the dog door there, buddy!”
BRIAN Ha!
BRENT You know what I’m talking about! (Beat.) Pets totally get back at you for anything you do to them—I’ve seen it thousands of times …
BRIAN That’s funny.
BRENT And true. It’s both funny and true.
BRIAN I s’ppose it is.
BRENT Totally true. (Beat.) Fuck, I’ve had dogs—this Great Dane when I was a kid—held a grudge for maybe a month one time. My mom kicked the thing for chasing skunks near our house, it was always stinking itself up by doing that, and my mom just caught it upside the head with her shoe on this one occasion, smack!, and I swear that fucker just sulked and waited and took his time and then once, when my mother slipped in her socks on the wood floors we had there in the house? She slid down to her knees and that dog lunged at her, ripped a piece of her blouse and nipped her skin—tore enough of her arm open to go get one of those tetanus shots—and then he took off running. He knew exactly what he’d done. And why. Not my mom, obviously, but the dog. (Beat.) How’s that for crazy?
BRIAN Wow.
BRENT Yeah. That’s right. “Wow.” (Beat.) Fucking step-dad shot it the next morning, but for that 24-hour period there where it was still alive? No question that the dog had been carrying a grudge around …
BRIAN Amazing.
BRENT Not so much. I mean, not really. Stuff like that was always happening when I was a kid. Seems like it, anyway. Don’t remember ever having animals around too long at our place. They would get hit by a car or, you know, having to get rid of kittens and all that—that was the worst, dude. Throwing ’em in the pond and shit? Fucking step-dad always made me do it and I hated him for that—I mean, for lots of stuff, but especially that. (Beat.) Prick.
BRIAN Huh.
BRENT picks up the bags that he’d set down on the ground to tell the “dog” story. Moves to another side table in the darkened room.
BRENT I got chips, so you don’t have to ask …
BRIAN Sweet! Thanks, man.
BRENT No problem. And dip.
BRIAN Awesome. Mild or Jalepeño?