I met you shortly after my decision to leave, and I knew you were different. We bonded and I am happy we did. Drugs have a way of distorting the truth, changing the perspective in which we see things. I have explained our relationship to Leah; although she is hurt, she says she understands.
Since I have returned home, I have learned that a drunk driver hit our car and was charged with vehicular homicide in Jamie’s death. I realize it doesn’t matter who is responsible for the accident; the important and most hurtful thing is that my girl is gone, gone from my life forever. But I am relieved that I did not cause her death.
The night leading up to our hospital stay is my fault. I was so consumed with guilt, with pain, and sorrow. The voices that haunted me were loud and clear. It was like I was reliving the accident over and over again. I drank and took pills to numb the pain and nothing worked. The voices and the sound of the zipper on the body bag was so loud, it was almost like there was a microphone being used to magnify the sound. I crushed a combination of pills in an attempt to quiet the voices. My plan, my deadly plan, was for me to take everything in the bowl to quiet the voices permanently. I guess I passed out before I was able to use everything. The deadly combination of the pills was meant for me, not for you, Doll. If the outcome were any different…
I’m sorry, I can’t say it and I can’t even think about it. I am truly sorry, but I have to believe this was God’s plan for us. For me to be reunited with my beloved Leah, and for you to be with your amazing daughter.
I hope when you get home and get where you need to be, you’ll see me, or at least call me. Leah wants to meet the amazing woman I shared the last several months of my life with, and I also would love to finally meet your incredible daughter.
I would do anything in my power to see my daughter again, but unfortunately, I don’t have that chance. But, Doll, you do. My wish is for you to love her, hug her, and care for her as if today was your last day to be with her.
Doll, we went to hell and back and I really hope we can remain friends. I will always be here for you. Here is my phone number and my address in case you lost it or threw it away. Thank you, Doll, for being with me, Bobby.
I cry and wipe the tears from my face. I read the letter again, before I tuck his letter and the unopened letters under my pillow. I can’t read anymore right now.
The glitter on my lap shimmers from the sunshine beaming in through the windows, and I am reminded of my daughter. I still have a daughter, unlike Bobby. This is all the more reason for me to fight for my sobriety.
I attend every meeting I can, I share my sad and pathetic story with others during group therapy, and I call Raelynn everyday I am allowed phone calls. I work hard to get better for myself but more importantly for Raelynn. I realize I need to be the best person I can be for me so I can attend my daughter’s needs and be the person that she deserves me to be. I keep a journal of my goals and my plan to keep them.
After group therapy and right before lights out, I return to my unopened mail that is stashed under my pillow. I open the last letter and find it is from Adam McDaniel. I smile and open it carefully.
Dear Molly, if you are reading this letter, then it means you are still with the program. I can’t begin to tell you how proud I am of you. It is three weeks into your recovery, and I figure now would be a good time to write. If I remember my own experience correctly, your cravings are almost gone and you no longer feel that the world is out to get you (smile, you know it’s true). The hardest part is done. Did you notice I said the hardest part? I would like to lie to you and tell you it’s all sugar and spice from here on out, but I can’t. You are making great progress, and I am proud of you. It will get easier as the days and weeks pass.
I would like to think that once you are home, you’ll continue coming to the meetings at Addicts Anonymous. You are always welcome there and it helps being with people who can relate to what we have been through. Not everyone will be understanding and/or supportive outside of the group. Call me anytime to talk seriously or to just hang out. I would really like to see you again. Take care, Adam.
I read his letter again and tuck it under my pillow with Bobby’s letter. I fall into a restful sleep.
Emma
Alec and I sit under the gazebo of our new house; we have just set a wedding date. On Veterans Day, November 11th, I’ll be Emma Grace Collins, aka Mrs. Alec Ray Collins.
“Less than three months doesn’t give us a lot of time to plan a wedding.” I look at Alec and he is watching me.
“It’s the right amount of time to plan a wedding.”
I ask, “How do you figure?”
“Because you don’t have time to focus on things that don’t matter, things that in a year, no one will remember.”
“Like what?”
“Like the color of carpet you walk on that leads you down the aisle. Or the brand of birdseed you have for our guests to toss at us.” He smiles and winks at me. “We’ll have three months to prepare for our wedding. We’ll focus on our guest list, the food to serve at the reception, and the time of day that I want to make you my wife.”
“I think you’re right. What time of day are you thinking for the wedding?”
“Is 6:00 a.m. too early?”
I laugh and lean into him. “I think it’s a little early for a wedding.”
“I guess we’ll have to discuss it later. In the meantime, would you like to see your surprise?” he asks.
“I would love to; lead the way.” I stand and take his hand. We walk up the cobblestone walk towards our house. It is dark with only the moonlight illuminating the walkway. Alec opens the kitchen door and turns on the light.
I walk into the house as Alec locks the door behind us. I am in awe. I look around and ask, “How did you do this?”
“Don’t get too excited. I paid a moving company to move our things. They set up the beds, but that’s about it. The unpacking is left for us to do.”
“Oh, Alec, I can’t believe it. As of now, this is our house? This is where we’ll be staying from now on?”
“It is. I hope it’s all right.”
I look at him and hug him. “Thank you. I’m thrilled and besides, I hate moving.”
He laughs before he kisses me. “Me, too. I did it for you and for me. I hate moving, too. They left James’ wall-mounted train set. I didn’t want to risk them damaging or losing parts to it.”
“Good point, dad and Danny will probably want to move that. I think there is some scientific method of installing it or something,” I joke.
“I’m afraid that is beyond my capabilities. To me that looks very complicated. I’m glad we are leaving that to the experts. Danny and Gene will need to dismount it.”
We walk through the house and all the boxes seem to be in the right rooms. The beds are all set up and I wonder how they knew where to put James’ bed. We walk downstairs, and I feel like a princess. Never have I ever dreamed of living in someplace so extravagant. Max and I were just a simple couple. Of course, that was a long time ago. “This place is amazing. I can’t believe it’s ours.”
“Once we get everything unpacked and get the kids in here, it won’t seem this big. Plus we still need some furniture for the living room and formal dining room.”
“Emma, don’t be mad,” Alec says.
I look over at him and I wonder why he thinks I would be mad. “How… why?” is all I can say. I brush the tears away, but they continue to fall.
“I think Max deserves a place in our home. I know he will always be a part of your and James’ life, and I can respect that.” Alec holds me close and brushes the tears from my cheek. “Any man who gives his life for our country deserves space on our mantel.”
“Thank you, this means so much to me and to James.”
“I know and you’re welcome. I love you, I just want you to be happy.”
“I am incredibly happy,” I say, honestly.
“Do you want to stay the night in the house or do you want to return
to the boat?”
“Do you mind if we stay in the house?”
“No, not at all. Let’s make the beds and unpack the kitchen first. I could use some coffee.”
“Ok, sounds good.” Alec and I go upstairs and luckily find our sheets and bedding right away. Once the bed is made, we arrange the furniture where we want it. Alec goes downstairs and I call to check on the kids. They speak with excitement as they tell me about their day at Disney World, including getting pictures with Mickey Mouse and playing in the awesome pool at the hotel. They are staying at the Hilton Hotel on Bonnet Creek in Orlando. The hotel is a vacation by itself. I smile as I listen to them. I tell them I love and miss them before hanging up.
When I smell coffee, I go downstairs. Alec hands me my cup and continues with his phone conversation. I stand at the counter and try not to listen. When I hear the word “labor,” I can’t help but listen. He takes a sip of his hot coffee and says we are on our way. He hangs up the phone and I say, “Angel’s in labor.” It’s not a question but a statement.
“Her water broke. Mason called an ambulance and they are taking her to the hospital now.”
“Was that Mason on the phone?”
“No, it was Vincent. He and Brea are heading to the hospital, too.”
“I hope it’ll be all right. She’s what, 30 or 31 weeks?” I ask.
“I think so. Let’s change into some sweats and then we should go.”
We pull up at the hospital and walk into an already crowded waiting room. Alec holds my hand and walks us over to Mason’s mom and dad. “Hi, Bruce and Lilly. Is there any news on Angel or the babies?”
“No, nothing yet. Mason hasn’t been out with an update. We are all just waiting and praying,” Bruce says as he holds his wife’s hand.
“All right, thank you. Let me know if there is anything I can do.”
“Thank you, Alec,” Lilly whispers.
I knew of the possibility of her having preemies because she is carrying twins. Alec hands me a coffee and I look around the room. I see Angel’s aunt and uncle, the older couple from their wedding and the gender reveal party, and Madison, who is with some guy.
“Do you think she’ll deliver today?”
Alec speaks up and says, “If she doesn’t deliver, she’ll definitely be put on bed rest.”
We all are quiet when Mason walks into the room.
Everyone turns their attention to him. He stands there, looking defeated. My heart drops as I wait for what he has to say. “It looks like Angel and I will be parents sooner than we thought. The babies aren’t wanting to cooperate with the doctors or the medication. They aren’t able to stop her contractions, so it’s just a matter of time.” He runs his hands through his hair and says. “They are currently administering corticosteroids to Angel in hopes to increase the lung development in both babies. She is in some pain and is dilated to only 3 cm.” He looks around the room and adds, “Everyone is very optimistic that both babies will be born healthy.”
I look around the room; everyone looks like they are crying. I’m not sure Mason said that for their benefit or for his.
“I also want to thank everyone for coming,” he adds. “Angel will be pleased when I tell her our family and friends have filled up an entire waiting area.”
Alec says, “Wait until the staff in the E.R. hear the news that their former co-worker is in Labor and Delivery, waiting on the birth of his own children.”
Mason laughs, too. “I don’t want to be out here for that. But, really, thank you for coming and don’t worry. Angel and the babies have the best medical care possible. N.I.C.U. has already been notified and they are on standby and ready to receive both babies if they need to.”
I watch as Mason walks over to his and Angel’s families. “What’s N.I.C.U.?” I ask.
“N.I.C.U. stands for Neonatal Intensive Care Unit,” Alec says softly.
The room is quiet with only whispers coming from Mason and the family. His mother and Angel’s aunt cry, as their husbands try to comfort them.
Sara and Brea stand close to Vincent and Donovan without saying a word. I whisper to Alec, “Do you think the babies will be all right?”
“I don’t know, I hope so.”
Alec
Mason comes over and announces he is going back to be with Angel. He tells us he believes everything will be all right. Christina, a nurse from the ER, comes up and smiles when she sees Mason. She walks over to us and says, “Hi, Mason, I just heard about Angel. How is she doing?”
“It looks like we’ll be parents today.”
“How many weeks is she?” Christina asks.
“Angel is only 31weeks.”
“You know we had twins born here last month at 29 weeks,” Christina says.
Mason smiles and says, “No, I wasn’t aware. The outcome must be good or you wouldn’t be telling me this.”
“The last baby went home yesterday. Hey, I got to run. I just wanted to check in with everyone. I’ll be back on my break.”
“Thanks, Christina, I appreciate you coming up. I need to get back there to Angel. I’ll see everyone in a bit,” Mason says as he turns to walk away from us.
“Mason, please let her know we are praying for her,” Brea says.
“Of course, Brea. Thank you. We appreciate it.”
Mason leaves and we all congregate around the coffee maker. Brea, Sara, and Emma talk about work. I know they are doing this as an attempt to take their minds off of the babies’ early arrival.
While the girls all sit and talk, the guys stand and keep a protective watch over the girls. “Alec, do you think the babies will be all right if they’re born this early?” Bruce asks.
I look at him and I can see the worry in his eyes. “I honestly do. Modern medicine has come a long way. Right now, while the babies are in utero, they are increasing their lung function. I think the chance of both babies being born healthy is very good.”
“That’s good. Mason and Angel have both been through so much. I don’t know how they would handle…”
I interrupt Bruce and say, “I think the chance is good this will work out for all of them.”
“Thank you, son. I appreciate that.”
Mason’s dad, Bruce, Angel’s Uncle Raùl, and their neighbor Carl pace the floor as we wait for news. I walk over and sit with Emma.
A few more people arrive, and Bruce walks them over so he can introduce them to me. “Emma and Alec, this is Carla. Carla is Mason’s office manager, and your office manager, too, Alec.”
“I hear you’re my new boss now, too. It’s good seeing you again, Alec,” she says, hugging me and saying hi to Emma.
Bruce says, “That’s right, you two worked together here in the E.R. I keep forgetting that.”
I laugh, “That’s all right. I haven’t seen Carla since she left here to work for Mason.”
Carla introduces Emma and me to Cathy, who also works with her and Mason. I haven’t met the office staff yet. I was planning to go in next week to make my introductions.
“Is there any news yet on Angel and the twins?” Carla asks.
“No news, other than they are coming. Mason said the medication didn’t work to stop her contractions.”
“They both are fighters like their mom and stubborn like their dad,” Carla says. I watch as Carla scans the room and waves to Vincent and Donovan.
Carla excuses herself, and Emma and I sit down.
“If the babies hurry, they’ll share their birthday with you,” I say, stroking her knuckles with my thumb.
“That would be something; they have about 24 minutes to make it on my birthday.”
“With us rushing out of the house to get to the hospital, I didn’t have time to give you your birthday present.”
Emma turns to face me and says, “Alec, we stayed all night on the boat, you arranged to have all of our things moved into the new house, you even arranged to have Max’s awards displayed on the mantel. I think that’s enough.”
�
�I have one more gift for you.” I reach into my hoodie pocket and pull out a small box. It is wrapped in pink foil paper with a small white bow and ribbon. “I wasn’t sure what to get you for your birthday, but I think this is perfect.” Emma reaches for the gift and smiles. I watch as she holds it up to her ear and shakes it. “If it rattles, it’s the wrong gift,” I say, laughing.
“Thank you, Alec, this is very sweet.” She opens the gift and smiles when she sees it. I watch as she stares at it and I wonder if she understands its meaning.
I say, “One night when I was tucking James in bed, he told me that he loved me ever and ever. I know you and Max had a saying and James was trying to repeat it. I thought we could claim James’ saying and use it as our own.”
“Oh, Alec,” she cries. I remove the gold necklace and hold it up for her to see. It is inscribed with the words “I love you, ever and ever.”
“Thank you, I love it and I love you, ever and ever,” she says.
“I love you, too, ever and ever.” She laughs and I laugh, too. Emma moves her long blond hair out of the way so I can fasten it around her neck. “Perfect.”
The door opens up and in walks several medical staff. I wave and explain to Emma they are Mason’s former colleagues and my current colleagues. I watch as they introduce themselves to Mason’s parents and Angel’s aunt and uncle. After a few minutes, several more people, all of whom are wearing light blue scrubs, walk in. We stand and I introduce them to everyone.
“Has Mason been out lately?” one of the nurses asks.
“No, he hasn’t. Do you think everything is all right?” Lilly asks as she looks with concern at all the medical staff.
“We got a call saying Angel was beginning to push. We gave report in a hurry and came right up. We wanted to make it on time for the delivery.”
I explain that when one of our own is in the hospital, news usually gets around fairly quickly. We are co-workers and colleagues, but we are also family.
“Do you think everything is all right? Mason hasn’t been out with an update for a while.”
Mending Hearts Page 7