by Nicole Helm
“You’re a terrible liar, Sam.”
“If that’s what you want to believe, that’s your call. But I’m not kissing you again.”
“That’s exactly why you’re a liar. Because if it didn’t mean anything, if you didn’t feel anything, you could kiss me as many times as you damn well pleased and it wouldn’t matter. But this . . . It matters.”
“You’re too young for me, Hayley.” He tried to muster as much disdain in her name as he possibly could. “I’m not interested in little girls who have no experience in life.”
“Well, this is fun. Is this the part where you tell me all these horrible things and I’m supposed to walk away? Or would you rather run away yourself—you’re awfully good at that. But, please, tell me what’s expected of me. Because I’m still inexperienced. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
“You’re not supposed to do anything.” He made his expression flat and his voice cool, which wasn’t at all a hardship. That was how he spoke most of the damn time. That was his life’s work since Abby had died, right? Making everyone hate him. Making sure everyone stayed the fuck away from the bastard with a bad attitude who had killed his damn sister. That was his life. It shouldn’t be hard, and it shouldn’t matter.
But it did, and it was eating him up, and he didn’t know why. Why was she getting to him? Why now?
“You’re just supposed to leave me alone.”
“That’s what everyone does, Sam. They leave you alone. They leave you to your own misery.” She stepped out of those shadows, as he’d known she eventually would. “Someone has to be the one to say no. I won’t disappear and I won’t go away. I can’t make you kiss me back. I can’t make you sleep with me or be romantically interested in me. But I don’t have to walk away. I don’t have to give you your space. I get to choose that part.”
Sam shrugged, fighting to look as disdainful as he possibly could, even though everything in his chest felt like it was caving in. “Then I walk away.” And he did. He forced himself to go into his tent and ignore the fact there was food out there and a fire burning.
Once he was certain she was safely in her tent, he would go out there and clean up the campsite. But for now . . .
For now he couldn’t be anywhere near her and trust himself. So he hid, he ran away, and she could keep standing up, but Hayley didn’t know what life could do to kick you down. She didn’t understand that some people shouldn’t stand up and take what they wanted, no matter how easy it would be to do exactly that.
He hoped she never had to understand.
* * *
Hayley cleaned up the campsite as best she could. She had to use her flashlight to consult her guidebook a few times about the proper way to extinguish a fire and not leave any food traces that might attract bears.
She knew Sam would be out here eventually to make sure she hadn’t made any mistakes. He’d wait until she was safely in her tent, but he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from doing a double check.
She was half tempted to stay out here until he couldn’t take it anymore, but she was tired and she was wrung out. Besides, she didn’t want to stand here anymore, around a dead campfire that seemed all too symbolic.
Because even though the fire was dead, the kiss lived somehow. As though the air shimmered with it and always would.
It wasn’t her first kiss, and yet it seemed to obliterate the memory of every kiss that came before. How could it not? It had been a desperate, hot, needy thing.
Which was just . . . Sam. So much desperation and neediness inside of him that he refused to acknowledge—except in that kiss.
Sam needed her, she knew it. She felt it. She wasn’t going to let him scare her off. She wasn’t going to let his hardness and bullshit send her running. She was standing up. She was growing up.
Satisfied with her work around the campsite, she climbed into her tent. She tried to sleep, but mainly she tossed and turned, catching bits and snatches of sleep when the exhaustion won out.
Eventually, she heard Sam go back out and do a sweep of the campsite. She thought she might’ve heard him say something like damn, and she was going to pretend that meant he was impressed with the work she’d done. He was impressed she’d put out the fire correctly, and cleaned everything up efficiently.
Even mad at him, she wanted to impress him and show him she could do this. She might be a “girl” who hadn’t experienced much in her life, but she was learning. He wouldn’t stand in her way. She wouldn’t let him.
Finally, day broke and Hayley waited as she heard Sam getting up and shuffling around the campsite to make breakfast. At least, she hoped that’s what he was doing, since her stomach was already growling.
When Hayley finally screwed up the courage to step out of her tent, Sam was crouched over a fire much smaller than the one they’d had going last night.
“Coffee’ll be ready in a minute.”
Coffee. Yes, she would be needing a metric ton.
But she decided not to say anything. Instead she studied the man crouched at the fire. He had two mugs sitting on the ground, an old-fashioned coffeepot percolating over the heat.
He expressly did not look at her, and on the rare occasion his eyes even darted close, they were as blank as they ever were. It was almost enough to believe the life she’d seen in them last night was a lie.
Except he’d kissed her like he’d needed it. Like his life had depended on understanding the inside of her mouth. She couldn’t deny that kiss or his strong grip. Sam was a complicated man, with a complicated sadness to him, but he’d come alive when he’d kissed her, and she wouldn’t allow herself to be dissuaded.
Especially when it was so easy to see the strain of exhaustion on his face. There were smudges under his eyes that usually weren’t there, and even his complexion was a little off.
There was a certain animalistic quality to the way he crouched there, as if he was warding off attack. While Sam was usually a very grumpy, intense kind of guy, a grizzly bear hiding away from winter, this was something else altogether. This wasn’t Stay away from me, I want to be alone. This was Stay away from me, or I’ll strike, because I’m the prey and you are the predator.
At least that’s how Hayley decided she was going to read it. Since he didn’t want to talk, she got to read it however she wanted.
Sam was focused on the coffee, so Hayley went to the food bag and began to get out the packets of oatmeal he had brought for breakfast. On the hike yesterday they had discussed a little bit about the food that was acceptable for camping. So far, it and the bathroom situation were the only downfalls to this whole camping and backpacking thing.
But if she ignored the kiss and its aftermath, she’d really enjoyed this experience. She liked it enough that she was more determined than ever to make this her job.
More than that, after the events of last night, Hayley realized she couldn’t keep living the way she had been living. She couldn’t keep operating in the limits of her fear when it came to Brandon and Will, but set it aside when it came to Sam, and even on occasion Lilly.
She couldn’t keep tiptoeing around the edges, not when she was sure this was the life she wanted to have.
She had to face them. She had to start a tentative relationship with them, because no matter how at-home she felt in Gracely, or with Sam, or Lilly, or even Mile High itself, it was never going to feel safe until she did.
Sam and this job had given her something that she’d never had before. Confidence and an idea of what she wanted. She had to face them, as herself. Not hoping they might like her or include her, but in a straightforward way, and if they liked her and accepted her, great. If they didn’t, she would survive. She wouldn’t be their secret. She would simply be . . . Hayley.
She might not always feel like she belonged with Mom and Mack and James, but they loved her. She always had a place to go to be loved if this didn’t work out.
She didn’t think Sam had such a place, and it broke her heart. She thought maybe if he
let her in, she could be that place for him.
Which was three hundred kinds of premature, and stupid to think he was ever going to give her that inch she needed.
“Hayley?”
She looked up, startled by Sam’s voice interrupting her thoughts. She’d been so deep in them, so lost in her huge, life-altering realization, she’d forgotten where she was, and what she needed to do first.
“Your coffee.” He held out a mug and she had the feeling he’d been holding it out for a while. Waiting for her to come back to herself. She took the proffered mug and handed him the packets of oatmeal so he could make those as well.
“When we get back, I’m going to talk to Brandon and Will,” she said, because while Sam might pretend not to care, he did. If he didn’t care, that kiss wouldn’t have been the moment it had been for both of them.
Everything in Sam tensed, quite the feat in the tensest man she’d ever met. “Talk to them about what exactly?”
She opened her mouth to tell him, but something about that wide-eyed demand hit her as odd. Then, she got it. He thought she meant about last night. Oh, the self-centered idiot.
She schooled her features as close to innocent as she could manage. “Does it matter what?”
His face went stony and impassive, and she had to tell him the truth. It was bubbling inside of her and she needed to tell someone what the next step was. Sam was her only option, so he was going to have to listen.
“I’m going to have a conversation with them. I’m tired of hiding.” She looked into those piercing blue eyes. “I am tired of not facing it,” she said, pointedly. Pointed directly at him.
“I hope that doesn’t mean you’re going to tell them about . . .”
She rolled her eyes, tempted to reassure him that of course she wouldn’t be telling them about their kiss. But she was grumpy enough to want to mess with him. “About what?”
His eyes narrowed, but she sipped her coffee and looked at him blandly. She wasn’t going to give him an inch.
“I mean, it’s your business if you want to tell them about the kiss or not, but I wouldn’t recommend it.”
“Because they’ll be so mad?” Her tone dripped with sarcasm, but he didn’t seem to pick up on it.
“They won’t be happy. And what’s more, the kiss was a mistake. I think you know that.”
“Do I?”
“You should know it. You should accept it. It was a mistake and that’s all it’s ever going to be. It is a line that I will never, ever cross again. You can tell them whatever the hell you want, but it won’t magically change my mind on this.”
She wanted to punch him. Instead, she smiled. “Sam, if I was going to magically change your mind, I’d use completely different tactics.” She had no idea what kind of tactics, but she liked the sound of that.
Especially when he looked a little bit horrified that she might have tactics that could work on him, totally and utterly against his will. Yes, she liked that a lot.
Chapter Fifteen
Lilly sat calmly on the couch in the main room of Mile High headquarters. Will sat, also calmly, next to her. Brandon, on the other hand . . .
He paced and muttered. He swore. A lot. Lilly exchanged a humoring look with Will.
“No, no, no. Don’t do that,” Brandon said, pointing at the both of them. “You kept this from me for a reason.”
“Of course we did, because we knew this is what your reaction would be,” Lilly replied primly.
Brandon gave her one of those patent, withering Brandon looks, and because she thought the whole thing was very sweet, she smiled at him.
“We understand that you feel protective of Hayley, but she’s a grown woman. She doesn’t need your protection, especially from Sam.”
“It’s not about Sam,” Brandon returned, all but grinding his teeth as he took a breath. “It’s about the fact this was not approved. Hayley going on an overnight trip needs to be okayed by me from a liability standpoint.”
“What liability are you worried about?” Will asked casually, his arms stretched out on the back of the couch.
“She hasn’t been trained enough. Sam hasn’t been trained at being a trainer enough. It’s only been . . .”
“Over a month,” Lilly offered cheerfully.
“The fact of the matter is, Hayley trusted Sam enough to go with him. I trust that Sam is keeping Hayley safe and sound. There’s no liability that’s different than the one where we take complete strangers on outdoor excursions, oh say, every day.”
“I’m not worried about her damn safety,” Brandon grumbled.
“Then what are you worried about?” Lilly asked gently.
“I don’t know.” Brandon scrubbed his hands through his hair and Lilly stood, even though the move made her extraordinarily nauseous. There was something more to Brandon’s frustration than he was letting on, and that always made her feel a little softer toward him. He took on too much, this man of hers. “Bran, what is going on with you?”
“This isn’t going according to plan,” he said, clearly frustrated with himself. “She was supposed to be ready to talk to us by now. She wasn’t supposed to be out there messing around with Sam for months, still not talking to us.”
Which was exactly the moment Lilly realized she’d made a grave error by not telling Brandon or Will about her little run-in with Hayley the other day, afraid that he would feel, well, what he was feeling right now.
“I think she’s . . . making progress.”
Brandon turned to her, his gaze going from frustration that the world wouldn’t bend to his will to something she was a lot more afraid of. It seemed no matter how far they got, being in a loving, soon-to-be legally committed relationship, she kept hurting him.
“How can you tell?” Will asked, the casual note to his voice incredibly deceiving. He might pretend to be the carefree, laid-back Evans twin, but the more she understood Brandon, the more she saw that Will had a lot of Brandon’s same hang-ups, he just hid them differently.
“I probably should have mentioned this earlier . . .” She hadn’t wanted to, because she hadn’t wanted them to feel bad, but she saw that sparing the Evans twins’ feelings was probably the equivalent of slapping them in the face.
Which meant, she had to be honest now. Which sucked. A lot. “I sort of, accidentally had breakfast with Hayley the other day.”
Both men stared at her as if she’d grown another head. Lilly thought about using her nausea as an excuse to run out of the room, but it could only put off this conversation, not eradicate it completely.
“I had breakfast with Hayley. It wasn’t planned or anything. We happened to run into each other, and I impulsively asked her to come have breakfast with me and she . . . did.”
“You didn’t think to tell us?” Brandon asked, his voice firm and disdainful, but Lilly had been on the receiving end of that voice enough times to know it was hiding hurt.
“We just talked about the wedding. Nothing interesting or important.”
Will let out a long sigh, but he didn’t say anything. He always kept his hurt hidden as best he could.
Her fiancé, on the other hand?
“You didn’t think we deserved to know?”
Lilly tried not to be hurt at Brandon’s accusation, but this was a touchy subject for all of them. From the beginning, they had never agreed on what to do about this half sister that he hadn’t known about.
But things were different now. She wasn’t just his coworker, or even the woman he’d had a one-night stand with. They were getting married in a few weeks’ time, and having a baby in a few months’ time.
“I didn’t want you to feel bad, but I’m sorry. I should have told you. I see now that I was wrong.”
“I don’t need my feelings spared, Lilly.”
“I know you think that, but on this . . .” Oh, hell, she might as well tell him what she thought. It was going to come out anyway. “I think you do. Because it’s an impossible situation for all of you,
and I feel for all of you. I want you all to be happy and I did the . . .” She had to pause when her voice broke, because she hated crying in front of people. Especially Brandon, especially when someone would then blame it on the baby growing inside of her, pumping her full of weird hormones.
On a deep breath, Lilly steadied her voice. “You know I love you both, and I didn’t want to see your feelings hurt. I know how much Hayley wanting to have a relationship means to you, and I want it for you.”
She hated that it was tears that got through to Brandon. She didn’t want him to be softened just because she was an emotional mess, but he slid his arm around her shoulders.
“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about anything until they’re back and we know everything went fine.”
“Why do you think everything wouldn’t have gone fine?” she asked, hoping she’d erased the trace of tears from her voice as well as her eyes.
“I don’t know, maybe because Sam is an unstable, grumpy son of a bitch, and I would not normally force anyone I actually like to spend time with him.”
“Thank you for your high praise of my character.”
Lilly closed her eyes at the sound of Sam’s voice. Apparently Sam had, as usual, entered through the back. Which meant as they’d been talking in the living room, no one had heard him come in.
Lilly turned around and then fell silent, realizing why Brandon and Will had grown completely silent too. Not because they felt guilty about saying something mean about Sam, but because standing next to Sam was Hayley.
Hayley. Here. Of her own volition.
Hayley raised her hand awkwardly. “Hi.”
“Hi,” Brandon and Will said in unison.
“Is everything okay?” Brandon asked carefully.
“Everything is great,” Hayley replied overbrightly. She glanced back at Sam and he refused to look at her.
Lilly didn’t know what to make of that little non-exchange, but she filed it away for later. Because there was something to that refusal, something different from the way Sam usually was with people he wanted nothing to do with.
Lilly looked up at Brandon, and he was still standing there, completely shell-shocked. She took his hand, giving it a squeeze, hoping it might wake him up and give him a little comfort at the same—