"From now on, we are removing words from your vocabulary which do not allow us to be open. Starting with the word fine. Am I clear?"
With a slow nod, I agree.
"The best way for us to move forward is to take a step backwards. If you agree to remain in the terms of our relationship, we will begin again."
"We can’t go back to… "
"Stop. It wasn't a point of negotiation. There are enough issues on the table without inviting more problems to the party. Do you agree to my terms?"
"Yes." A mass of conflicting emotions rushes through me.
"Do you agree to taking a step back and working from the beginning?"
I pause. His expression doesn't change as he waits for my reply.
“How can I….” I start.
“It was a yes or no question.” His voice is firm.
With a sigh, I let my eyes close in defiance of my own thoughts.
“Yes.”
A smile creeps across his face.
"Thank you for putting your trust in me. I hold the responsibility in the highest regard. You are mine and I will not fail again. We will not fail again.”
I want to believe him. Everything in me wants to follow. If I hadn't pushed him away. My brow furrows at the thought.
"What thoughts are going through your mind?"
Without consideration of the words, I open my mouth to say 'Nothing.' When my eyes meet his, I freeze before the word can be expressed.
"I am tired. I know there is much to discuss. I do not know if I will disappoint you as I have so recently. I do not want to fail."
"Atlas, there is much to discuss, but it would not be productive with you in this state. You are never a disappointment, and we all stumble. Let's have dinner and make plans to discuss the way forward tomorrow afternoon."
Chapter Eighteen
For months I've dealt with insomnia, but there is something different this time. No amount of white noise or calming words can break me out of the need to twist and turn in the bed. I pace in front of the window, staring out into the dark, the white caps of the waves shimmering in the spotlights.
His words consumed my entire night. Any version of training makes nervousness race through me. I've been in the lifestyle for so long it should be second nature. Yet I find myself as giddy as a newbie about starting over while afraid of losing everything. Logic moves against emotions, and I sigh.
I grab my robe and walk down the hall to the kitchen. With practiced movements, I put the kettle on the stove. Thoughts spin as I try to make sense of why he wants the relationship to ‘restart’ as if I’m new. A time where the dance is about the structure needed to form respect. I wonder if I can open enough to trust. I wonder if he’ll be there to catch me when I fall.
The kettle whistles. I pour near boiling water over the Earl Grey teabag. There was a time when I loved the simple ritual of loose tea, but even that simple pleasure has escaped from my world.
The gray skies threaten my mood. With a shake of my head, I force the path of my thoughts to stop. Reece isn’t putting this path in front of me because I am inadequate; he’s doing it so I can find peace. When I look at it through a dominant lens, the one I use in most of my life, it makes far more sense. In many ways it is exactly how I would handle this situation. But when I let the buried parts stretch their legs and roam free, I find my emotions tenuous.
The crushing issues seep in and I feel alone.
I take a long sip of tea.
What will it be like to hand over the mantle of dominance? Is it even possible? Dominick formed me until my perspective was shaped to see the world in terms of power and control. A place where you either give or receive. The clear definition is more necessary in a business. What will it be like to force a change? Will he lead in a way which helps lift my world or will he find the task too onerous, leaving me under the crushing weight as it lands against my shoulders once more?
"I'm too old for this nonsense." My voice echoes off the kitchen walls.
“You are far from old.” Reece’s voice answers my statement. His tall frame steps out of the shadows. My eyes roam his bare chest, causing my breath to catch.
“Atlas.” He walks to me, brushing a light kiss across my forehead. “You are up early.”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“What’s wrong?” Concern laces his tone.
"Nothing. Things are fin... " The words die on my lips. My eyes drop and I gaze into the mug.
From the edge of my view, I see his eyebrows lift slightly. "Would you like to try that again?"
I exhale but don’t immediately speak.
Beside me, his body tenses, but he doesn’t move.
"I did not sleep. Thoughts ran through my head in dark intervals. I’m being hunted by a madman who was my client. We spent hours in private sessions together. Now there’s a bloody knife with a note threatening to destroy me on the front door of my club. I haven’t seen home in months and I wonder how it came to this point."
"A much better start. The situation with your former client is in the hands of the authorities. There is nothing you can do about it."
The air sits heavy with unspoken words.
"And? Is that all that kept you from slumber?" His firm touch rubs circles across my tense shoulder.
“I'm concerned about our conversation yesterday.” My eyes do not lift.
“Why?”
“It threatens my view. I’m a Dominant. It is my job to wield power and control situations for the betterment of those around me. You… you touch a different piece.”
“Do you think a submissive is weaker or less than a dominant?” he challenges. “Are those who kneel before you not your equal?”
A smile plays on the edge of his lips. I know he’s playing with me, but I rise to the challenge anyway.
“You can’t have a power exchange of unequals.” My head jerks up and I stare at him.
“Of course you can’t, but you can have a relationship which is misinterpreted as such. A person without personal power can’t give away what they do not own. They may cower in fear, tremble under the abusive weight of a bully or succumb to abuse; however, that is not a power exchange and you know it.”
I nod.
“Now. Tell me again why a Dominant cannot take solace as a submissive to an equal?”
“It proves they are incapable of being a Dominant.” My fear pours out without hesitation. “They bow because they can’t control their own world. It is…”
I don’t finish the sentence because even I don’t believe it is true.
"You are far harder of a judge on yourself than need be. A human trait but one which is less desirable for us moving forward."
“I know my own faults and weakness,” I acknowledge.
“No, you dwell on them. Submission is many things. Full of what all the parties bring to the dance. There is no right or wrong way to do any of this. You know this. You teach it.”
“Yes. I’m so overwhelmed I no longer know where to grab to find stability.”
“This is why you desire to submit. A place to lay down the world and let someone who is capable and willing lift it while you rest.”
"I've never thought of it that way before," I acknowledge.
His hands continue to caress my back. The muscles in my shoulder loosen, and I mull over his words.
"Look at all the things we would miss if you simply replied with ‘fine’ to my earlier question," he whispers against my ear. “Now go get your bathing suit on, it’s time for laps in the pool. You’re thinking too much and it’s too early to put across my lap to make it stop. So I’ll put you in my lap pool instead.”
I pull from his grasp and spin around.
His easy smile catches me off-guard.
I nod.
His words ignite something in me I've not felt in far too long.
Chapter Nineteen
“Good morning, you two,” Josephine calls from the edge of the kitchen.
We turn and
smile at her in unison.
“Get out of my kitchen. I need to cook the Master of the house his breakfast or there will be trouble.” She winks at Reece.
He chuckles.
“Something I wish more people around here would understand.” He throws me a look.
I roll my eyes and shake my head.
“Go get dressed, Atlas. I’ll meet you poolside in ten minutes.”
“Yes, Sir.” The words flow without thought.
Josephine starts to make a comment, but a look from Reece stops her before a sound ekes out of her mouth.
I laugh to myself. It is a look I’ve thrown many times with the same result but one which I’ve rarely received. With a soft pivot, I pad back to my room to dress.
On the horizon, the first rays of the sun sneak over the horizon through the patches of broken clouds. The storm abates just as my mood lifts. With a smile, I change into a one-piece bathing suit, tentatively stretching my body, pulling tight muscles taut and then releasing them.
Ten minutes later, I walk onto the terrace. Reece stands behind the pool staring out over the sea. The steam from his mug rises, kissing his skin, and I find myself jealous of it. I scoff at the strange thought.
Reece turns around at the sound and smiles.
“Have you stretched?”
“Yes,” I state and look at the glassy water of the pool.
“Then in the water you go.” His hand moves in a flourish toward the pool, and he bows.
“Thank you, kind Sir,” I say and roll my eyes, tossing the towel on the nearest chair.
I hit the water in a fast, shallow dive and come up halfway across the long lap pool. The cool water wakes up every sense. On the surface, I stroke to the end of the lane and flip to turn around and swim back. When I touch the other side I am winded, and the effects of the short swim burn through my muscles.
“Another one,” Reece says from the pool deck.
I glare at him and he only smiles. With a strong kick, I glide under the water and once again surface halfway down the lane. My strokes are slower. Each breath is an effort. I chastise myself for not working out as I make the turn back toward Reece.
When I tag the wall, I hear him command, “Another one” above me, and the whole cycle starts again. For the next half hour, he pushes me. Every time I touch the wall, his command is simple and sends me back down the pool for another lap.
Muscles scream with each stroke. My lungs burn. I touch the wall and hear the familiar command. This time, I flip on my back and stroke backwards. Above me I see him smile and nod.
After two more laps, my body struggles in the water. When my fingers graze against the wall, I grasp the edge. Every breath is a gasp.
“Let’s get some breakfast,” Reece says and walks away from the poolside.
I stare after him. My body hangs limp in the water as I stare out to sea. The sunrise is an explosion of color, and I watch it until my breath returns to normal. Pushing off the wall, I glide to the pool ladder and climb out. Water sluices from my body. The change makes it heavier as I walk to my towel.
When I arrive at the table, Reece looks up from his tablet.
“How are you feeling, Atlas?”
“Tired.”
“Looks like we need to do this every day then.” He smirks.
“Sadist.”
“A well-known fact. You’ll find I don’t just use the conventional toys and activities.”
“Noted.”
“Good. Now eat some breakfast. The day is just getting started.”
"In your perfect world, how deep down the rabbit hole would you go?" Reece asks casually.
My movement stops mid-bite and I work to swallow the food in my mouth. I reach for a glass of water to aid my distress. The cool liquid coats my mouth and gives me time to form an answer.
"I don't understand your question," I reply to stall for more time. Without a doubt I know exactly what he's asking me. He wants to know if I want to know where this all fits in my world. It breaks my temporary illusion of peace. My mind races and screams not to answer the question.
"Stop stalling." The words are not harsh but direct.
For a long minute we watch each other.
"I’m curious to know how deep I can go without losing a step in the other parts of my world."
Reece nods and stabs the vegetable omelet with his fork.
“I saw an openness and vulnerability about you at Dominick’s.”
Memories of my ‘redemption’ pour through me. It is a need I rarely address.
“Yes,” I confirm. “He made me.”
“Your creator, as he put it.” His casual tone is at odd with the conversation.
“How can I give you what you need?”
“Understand me.” He quirks an eyebrow.
“Isn’t that what every Dominant says to a submissive?” I mock him. “‘How can I understand you and fulfill your needs?’ Come on, Reece, you're better than this.”
“Hark, is that a hint of Alexandra I hear?” he teases.
“Maybe. I’ve been feeling less like Alexandra and more like Atlas fallen.” I force a smile.
“That’s what we’re here to fix.”
“You need to learn all of me. When this ‘little vacation’ is over, the world will slam right back down on my shoulders and the mess it's in will be my responsibility.”
“Our responsibility,” he corrects. “You are so many things. The duplicity of your life is astounding, but it leaves you empty in so many places.”
“Then fill those places.” It is a simple but weighty statement.
"Are you willing to put in the work to make it happen?"
"Are you?" The words grace my lips in a full challenge.
I hold my breath. The hope of being understood hangs in the air.
"I am," he states and looks into my eyes. Something new lights behind them.
"Then so am I." I push back with the same force.
"See how easy it can be when you agree with me, pet?" An enigmatic smile snakes across his face, transforming into a mischievous grin.
The term of endearment runs a warm tingle across my skin. Realization dawns. This is new. Safe. Here we sit, sparring, talking about every aspect of me in a single conversation, and I feel safe. It is both disarming and exciting.
"Something's changed," I parry.
"More like something is released. You aren’t a singular facet. No one set of anything serves all of your needs. When I said I'd failed you, it wasn't in need or want. You seemed perfectly put together. When we were together, you submitted so easily. Every motion, every position, every command carried out. I never imagined it was the smallest part of you. My failing is putting a label on you, only letting my experience with others dictate my reactions and interactions."
“Your move, Sir.” I smile.
He smiles at me and cups my chin.
“How far down the rabbit hole do you want to go?”
“I already live in this land, Mr. Gabriel. Bring it.”
He releases my chin, his whole body shaking in laughter.
“Oh, my dear Atlas, I plan to bring it to all your masks.”
“We welcome it.”
Silence falls across the table. Reece picks up his fork and continues his breakfast. I follow his lead as we continue the meal in amenable silence.
With each bite, I replay the conversation in my head. Processing it, opening to it, and letting hope bloom from it.
Reece finishes his breakfast and breaks the silence. "I want us to go as deep as we can go together. To delight in your accomplishments, watch you artfully work your duplicity, and see you enjoy setting it all down at my feet when you need to rest."
With a deep breath, I smile. "I'd like that too."
"Good. While we can't erase our history, nor would I want to," he says with a knowing look. "I believe we can reset it. To that end, let me start."
With that, he reaches his hand over the table in a gesture to shake mine. When
I lift mine to his, he pumps it a couple of times. "Hi, I'm Reece and I will be your Dominant and partner on this journey."
A boyish grin blooms across his face, and I can't help but laugh. For the first time in months something in my chest loosens.
I laugh out loud at the pure ridiculousness of the whole scene.
"Now there's a sound I'll delight in hearing often—along with other sounds, to be sure. I want all of you, no matter what name."
A genuine smile etches across my face as I look up at him.
"Not everything has to be hard in a dynamic relationship, you know. Sometimes things are hard or stoic, and sometimes they are soft and funny." His fingers graze my chin.
"An excellent observation."
"I'm glad you agree. Since you’re a writer, and I hear you were writing a book, I thought you could spend the rest of the day writing."
I groan, thinking about the book Samantha had been pushing me to finish when I walked away.
“I want you to write about you. You’ll find everything you need in your room. Because of our current circumstances, everything is air-gapped with few exceptions. I’m sure you’ll understand.”
“As you say, Sir.” Sarcasm drips on the edge of my tone and I chuckle.
Reece smiles knowingly.
“I think I’ll take a shower,” I say as I slide from my chair.
“Want some company?” Reece asks but doesn’t move.
“I thought you’d never ask.” My voice is tight and a thrill of anticipation runs through me.
Chapter Twenty
My steps are lighter as I move back to my bedroom and walk straight to the shower. With a flick of my wrist, the water pours from the rain showerhead. Muscles quiver from their earlier exertion as I undress. The bathing suit hits the floor.
“Beautiful,” Reece mumbles from the door.
I spin around to face him.
“I thought you might not be coming.”
The space fills with steam and the mirror clouds, blocking our reflection.
“Had to attend to a couple of things.” The words hang in the air without further explanation.
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