by Makenzi Fisk
“You made it.” I dazzle her with my best smile and Nina’s frown lifts.
“My mom slept in.”
A knight in shining armor, I snatch the backpack from her sagging shoulder and she’s too tired to complain. It is as heavy as it looks and I struggle to pretend it’s no big deal. She must have every single textbook in here. She follows me to the office where I make up a lie to get our late passes.
In Social Studies, I hand the passes to the teacher and saunter past to save Nina a seat in the back. With their noses wrinkled, the girls whisper between the rows and the boys watch with interest. Even when she’s got bags under her eyes, she’s the cutest girl in school. I stare down the boys so they don’t get any ideas.
She sits beside me, a mouse in a room full of cats, and lays her head on the desk. For the first time in my life, I try to listen to the teacher. And I take notes. Usually I scribble but today I make perfect loops and precise strokes. Nina is too tired to pay attention so I’ll give them to her after school.
At lunchtime, I squat beside her locker while she puts away her things. Neither of us brought a lunch or have any money so it’s pointless to go to the cafeteria. She shuts the door and sits beside me and I let her lean on me a little. I don’t like being touched, but I try my best suck it up. I can smell her shampoo but she’s too close and I wriggle to give myself an inch to breathe. My agitation subsides. Maybe it’s not so bad. Nina looks up at me but I have no idea what she wants. She’s hungry? She’s happy? Angry? What?
“Thank you for being nice to me,” she says finally.
That’s it? That one wasn’t even on my radar.
“I’m always nice,” I lie. I’m never nice. I hate nice. Nice means you’re a sheep. I’m no sheep. I’m a badass panther. Sheep fear me. I smile at her again. Her face turns pink, and she looks at her fingernails.
“I’m having trouble concentrating today,” she says.
I know what that means. “Me too. Let’s get out of here and do something fun.” I stand and she gets up right after me but I can tell she’s never skipped school before. She has no idea what to do. I take the lead and ditch my backpack in my locker. She follows me right out the front door like a duckling following its momma. As soon as we’re off school property I pull out my pack and hand her a cigarette. She shakes her head so I stare at her hard until she takes it.
“Go ahead. It’s not going to kill you,” I say, like every bad guy in every movie.
“I don’t… I’ve never…” Her fingers tremble and I catch the cigarette before she drops it. When we reach the alley, I hand it back to her and she takes it again, pinkie finger out like the Queen of England with her teacup.
“It’s not a friggin’ joint.” I take her hand and readjust it so she’s not a total dork. When I touch her, she sucks in a breath and her eyes dilate like a drug addict. I look directly into them. My lips curve upward when her freckles dissolve right into her bright red cheeks. I like this kind of control. She breathes out hard through her nose. Now I’m sure. She’s attracted to me.
I lean in close so she can feel my breath on her neck and hold my lighter to the end of her cigarette. She breathes so quick I wonder if she might pass out. I back off a step and she relaxes. I tell her to suck air in all the way to her lungs and she obeys.
“This is awful!” Nina bends over coughing and her face is what my mom used to call green around the gills. She’s going to barf. I take her half-smoked cigarette and finish it for her. The pink comes back in her cheeks.
“Yeah, I did that too, the first time I tried it.” I smoke the cigarette to the filter and toss it, still burning, into an open trashcan.
She starts to go after it. “What if it starts a fire?”
I shrug. “It’s only garbage.”
She peeks into the can like a good little citizen.
I pull her by the arm. “Let’s go get some lunch.” That gets her attention and makes me wonder how long it’s been since she ate. It’s time to teach her how to get a meal around here.
Outside the corner store, I pause and smooth Nina’s hair. She has to look good. Predictably, her face flushes when I get close. In Morley Falls, I did what I wanted and there was no one around to catch me. Here, people are everywhere. I’ve had to adjust my technique.
“All you gotta do is go in, grab a Coke, and go to the counter.”
She bites her bottom lip. “I told you I don’t have any money.”
“Don’t worry, all you have to do is stand there and make a big deal about looking in your pocket for the cash. Say you had a twenty but someone musta stole it or something.”
She’s not convinced.
“You don’t have to do anything at all. Just stand there like a good little girl and take your time. Check all your pockets real slow, and then say how sorry you are. Leave the Coke and walk out of the store.”
“Really? Is that it?”
“I got this.”
She puts her hand on the door handle.
“And don’t look at me. Pretend you don’t know me.” I enter a few seconds later and scurry down the furthest aisle from the checkout. There’s pre-cut fresh fruit and vegetables in the refrigerated section. Veggie sticks. She looks like a girl who cares about what she eats so I slide a package of baby carrots into the back of my waistband.
Nina is nervous and she moves too fast. I barely have time to grab two sandwiches before I hear her say she’s really sorry about having no money. She heads for the door and I shove a Coke into my sleeve. The plastic-wrapped sandwiches in my pockets crinkle every time I move. I cough like I have the plague to cover up the telltale noise.
The checkout guy looks at the security monitor and I realize he might have seen me take the soda. I stuff a chocolate bar into the front of my pants. Time’s up. I head for the door but he’s coming around the counter to intercept me so I run for it. His hands tug the back of my jacket. I twist and his fingers tear free. Fast on my feet, I’m out the door and down the block before he hits the sidewalk.
Nina runs like a terrified deer right beside me. She’s surprisingly fast, or is that the fear? The checkout guy is no runner and he gives up after a few steps. He puts his hands on his knees and wheezes. When he goes back inside I know the cops will be here soon. I keep running until we’re a couple of blocks away. We turn a corner and I slow to a walk. Nina slows with me. Like wheels on the same car, we’re in sync.
She looks like she’s just gotten off a roller coaster, a mixture of relief and excitement. She laughs and grabs my hand. I step sideways and reclaim it. I meet her eyes and it’s like looking into my own. Hers are only a shade darker than mine and it almost makes me dizzy. Her lips move but she doesn’t say a word. I pretend that I just needed my hand back so I could tuck hair behind my ears and I give her a big happy smile. Her ears turn red and she looks at my mouth.
Wait ’til she sees what I got her. I’m as proud as a mighty hunter with a good kill. Maybe I should do it up right and treat her to a movie with dinner. I take her back to the motel and she silently follows me inside. She’d follow me anywhere.
I’ve enjoyed having the place to myself during the day when Albert’s at work. That could all be over tomorrow. Barb’s getting out of the hospital. She says she won’t stay here. I think she means she won’t stay here with me. Tomorrow everything might change again and I don’t know where I’ll be so I might as well enjoy the place while I can.
I’m suddenly aware that Nina is looking at me. Was I daydreaming? As if I was building up the suspense for my big reveal I empty the loot from my pockets. I shake the Coke out of my sleeve.
“You stole all that?” Her eyebrows arch.
I produce the carrot sticks from the back of my pants and her face softens. “Just in case you’re a vegetarian.”
“I’m not a vegetarian.” She takes the package from me. “But I like carrots.”
“And for dessert…” I whip out the chocolate bar like a waiter in a fancy restaurant, not like I’ve eve
r seen one in real life. “Kit Kat.” I love Canadian chocolate bars. “You can have the soda. I only had time to get one.” I hand it to her and she sets it on the table in the kitchenette.
“I don’t mind sharing.” She sits uneasily on the chair and I bounce onto the pullout sofa. “Action? Comedy? Chick flick?” I hold up the remote.
“What about school?” She puts down her carrots.
“You’ve never smoked before, and I bet you’ve never skipped a day of school in your life.”
“Um, no.”
“First time for everything.” I settle into the soft cushions. “Come on over. It’s way more comfy than that chair.”
Her chest rises and falls. She slides onto the furthest edge of the sofa, leaning away from me.
“How about Bruce Willis?” I hit the channel button and bypass all the stupid porn. “It’s Die Hard Monday. They play all the Die Hard movies back to back.”
She shrugs and shakes her head at the same time. I can’t figure out what that means so I go with the shrug and choose Die Harder. She doesn’t argue.
An hour later, we’ve eaten every last crumb of food and she’s conked out, stretched half the length of the sofa bed. I’m squashed to the other end. She fell asleep hard, like she hadn’t slept in a month. I leave her be as long as I can and then nudge her with my toe. We need to get back before the bell rings and her mom arrives. Rule number one of ditching school is not to get caught.
“What?” Nina bolts off the couch like I woke her with an air horn. I step in front of her before she blasts out the door.
“Whoa, slow down! We have time.” The movie credits are rolling and the next one will start soon. For some weird reason, I don’t mind missing it.
She rubs her face with her hands. Near the door, she slides her shoes on and fidgets. It’s weird. She steps toward me and stares at my mouth again.
“Come on, you’re so slow.” I brush past her and head out to the street.
She’s quiet for a whole block, probably still trying to wake up from her nap. “If she’s drinking again, she’ll be late.” Nina bends and tears a weed from a crack in the sidewalk. “I don’t want to go home, but my sister…”
This is the most she’s ever told me about her family. “You have a sister?” As if I didn’t already know. I saw them together through the window.
“She needs me to look out for her.” Nina runs ahead and I have to work to catch up.
“Isn’t that your mom’s job?”
“My mom’s an alcoholic. Everyone knows.”
“Is it her that’s been hitting you?” It’s a wild guess. I watch a lot of movies and she has that look.
“No one’s been hitting me.” She walks ahead of me and her feet stomp on the pavement.
“Take it easy, I won’t tell.”
“It’s not my mom! She just drinks too much.” She whirls around with her tiny fists clenched. With her lips pulled back from her teeth like that, she looks intense.
“So…” I’m calm as a cat. “It’s your dad.”
She pulls back like I punched her. Her mouth quivers. “No.”
“He doesn’t hit you, does he?” I touch her arm and somehow this doesn’t bother me. Maybe I need to be in charge.
“I can’t tell.” Her eyes fill with tears and she hugs herself with both arms.
“Bastard!” I hiss through my teeth. He’s got no business messing with her. She’s mine now.
“Oh my God!” She pulls away. “Don’t tell—”
“I ain’t gonna tell anyone.” I touch her arm again and she sobs deep in her throat.
“No one else knows.”
“I promise I won’t tell.”
She hugs me hard around the waist. The squeeze comes so fast that I have no time to react. A dark shadow recoils in my gut. She lets me go right away but the damage is done. I feel weaker, like I lost a piece of myself in the exchange.
Her mom’s red van pulls up in front of the school as we scoot beside the building. We saunter out a moment later so she can tell her mom we came out a side door. Before she runs to the car, she turns and stares into my eyes. Is she trying to tell me something, or is this her goodbye? It’s intense and I want to break contact but I force myself to stare back.
“I had fun.” She hurries to the car and her mom shouts at her about her backpack, which she left in her locker. Before they drive off, Nina puts her head down and turns back into a mouse.
CHAPTER 8
I have a lot of time on my hands. Since Barb got out of the hospital she’s been staying somewhere else. Albert has to work so he can’t take her for her treatments and he’s a cranky bastard. Today, he complained about paying for an extra week at the motel. What’s his problem? I like it here. There’s a ton of TV channels and someone picks up my junk every single day.
If you ask me, Barb’s making too much of a big deal about this whole burn treatment thing. Why doesn’t she put a Band-Aid or something on it and shut up? I burned my hand once and it wasn’t the end of the world. I wrapped it in a wet tea towel for a couple of hours and I didn’t even get a blister. I learned not to stand in the fumes when I was lighting gasoline so it was a win-win for me.
The big city is not quite what I imagined before I moved here. Winnipeg. Winter-peg they call it when it’s friggin’ forty-below and the freezing wind howls in from the prairies. I’d rather be in Minnesota, where the woods protect me. Where I know every square inch of my bog.
The only thing this place has going for it is Nina. She helps me with my homework every day. Well, actually she does my homework, and my social studies teacher smiled at me when I handed it in for the first time. I like that she’s so smart. Finally there is someone in my league and I try to give her my full attention when we hang out. Last weekend I taught her how to smoke a cigarette properly and blow smoke rings. She didn’t cough or anything.
Scoring beer around here is way harder than back home. I could take it from the Stop ’N Go, but here you have to be eighteen just to go look at beer. At the corner of the liquor store, I hang around like I’m waiting for my dad or something. The sun’s going down and it’s a warm night so the parking lot is busy. That might be a problem for some, but not me. I’m invisible.
After about twenty minutes I flick my cigarette onto the sidewalk. I’ve all but made up my mind to leave empty-handed when the Fates smile down on me. A woman with too much makeup pulls up in a dented twenty-year-old Chevy car. Dressed in a skanky black mesh tank top and jean shorts half up her butt-cheeks, she’s left her car running with the air conditioning cranked.
Should I steal it and forget about the beer? I take too long to make up my mind and she’s back out with a six-pack of wine coolers. What a lightweight. She puts them behind the seat and runs back in for something she forgot.
I’m at the car before she’s out of sight and aim directly for the six-pack on the floor. As soon as my hand touches the bottles, a tiny foot boxes me in the ear and I notice a kid in her car seat. She was partly covered by a blanket and I didn’t even see her until she kicked me. With great big googly eyes gawking at me, she flaps her chubby arms and starts to pitch a fit.
“What’s-a-matter? You want one?”
She freezes, mouth still open, like she can’t believe the scary monster spoke to her. I sneak a peek through the front windshield. Her mom is at the checkout with a bottle of something so I better hurry.
“You must be thirsty.” I hunch behind the seat and twist the cap off a bottle. When I hold it out, the kid grabs it between her fat little fists. A monkey at the zoo.
“Ain’t got no a sippy cup so don’t spill it.”
She tilts it back and gushes it down her face. It runs down her ducky shirt and I snort when she cries. “Oh, don’t be a baby. It’s your own fault.”
I leave her bawling and disappear into the alley. I don’t have to wait for her skanky mom’s reaction. I can see it in my head, and it’s funny. The last five wine coolers clink in their cardboard carrier a
ll the way to Nina’s house. Totally worth it.
Nina is waiting for me in our spot at the park. She raises her hand and her face breaks out in a huge smile when she sees me coming. I slow down so I don’t look too eager but I can’t wait to show her what I got. She doesn’t like beer but I bet she will like these. She has more sophisticated taste than me.
After her first cooler, she giggles. She can’t stop and I’ve never seen her so happy. I like when I can make her happy so I give her another one and she sucks it down like it’s a soda. Then it gets weird.
She sits close to me under the tree and I know for damn sure she’s aware that the back of her hand is touching mine. It’s like battery acid on my skin and I yank it back. By now, she knows I don’t like to be touched. Why is she touching me?
“I’m sorry,” she says. “I forgot.” Big fat teardrops well up and she reminds me of that kid in the back of the car. “It must be the drink. I feel strange.”
“I think you got a buzz on.”
“A buzz. Bzzz.” She leans against the tree and away from me, giving me room to breathe. “That is such a funny word. Who thought that up?”
Is she kidding? Is she really drunk after only two coolers? I hold the label up and squint at the alcohol content in the streetlights. “Is this your first time?”
Her face flushes deep red. She rolls her empty bottle into the grass and leans toward me, breath like dragon fire on my neck. “First time.” She grins like the possessed doll in that horror movie and flops her head on my shoulder. This totally violates my don’t touch me rule and she knows it. I scoot out of reach.
“You wanna do something fun?” I need to change the subject before she makes me lose my mind.
“Yes.” Her eyes shine like wet rocks. Somehow she’s too close again. I scramble to my feet and pull her up with me. I don't know why it doesn’t bug me to touch other people but I absolutely hate when they touch me.
“Come on!”
She’s not very coordinated but that’s because of the alcohol. She had two coolers and I sucked back the other three. Unlike her, I don’t feel a thing. No, that’s not true. I feel happy. Hanging out with Nina makes me happy, except when she gets too close. I let her hang onto the back of my shirt while we sneak down the alley. Her laughing is starting to annoy me. She’s so loud she’ll get attention for sure. Beside a big metal dumpster, I motion her down and she squats obediently. This is the Nina I like better.