His drunkenness would have been funny if he hadn’t just dragged her away for a ‘talking to’ like she was a four year old. She yanked her arm free. “What are you doing, Asher? We may never have another chance to get this close to Chicago. We have to go.”
“No, Fi, I’ve learnt my…my lesson,” he swallowed. “I haveta do wuzzright for…for thebaby. Thas more important.”
“Hey!" Sean stalked up to them with Sara stumbling behind. “What the hell? You guys can’t just disc…disc…talk about the Seeding plan without us.” He folded his arms and Sara hiccupped. “You know,” he waggled his finger, “’m getting sick of you two always talking…withoutus. This stuff…’ffects us too.” He covered his mouth as he burped. “Oh, God.”
Fi and Asher were silent. The inches between them felt like a chasm. She could practically feel him begging her to just tell them, to explain everything, to turn around and run home. But she couldn’t. She tried to picture herself saying the words, but she couldn’t. She wasn’t ready. And she wanted to find Asher’s home almost more than he did at this point. She needed the closure. She couldn’t bear to see him bend under the weight of those unanswered questions day after day. The baby coming just made it worse. Even bad news would be news.
“I’m sorry Sean…and Sara,” she apologized. “I would never make any decision without including you guys, I promise. I’m sorry I yelled. It’s just that I had other reasons for wanting to keep going. You know…to Chicago.”
The words hung in the air while Fi let Sean figure it out. When she heard him exhale, she knew he’d realized what was at stake.
“Oh,” Sean turned to Asher. “She wantsago…find your parents, right, Ash? And you…you donwanto…because of the Lobos…yesserday.” Asher gave a silent nod. Sean turned, wobbling. “Fi, you know…‘e’s right.”
She choked and shook her head. The last thing she needed was for them all to gang up on her! She thought when she explained her reason that they’d understand. Her bottom lip trembled.
Sean rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes. “God, Fi, you’re so fuckin’…stubborn.”
“Asher,” Sara laid her hand on his arm. “It was jussa one-time thing, an’ I got her…I got her. Like allufus do. We just gotta stick together, an’...it’ll beok.” She put her arm around Sean’s waist, whether out of affection or to steady herself, Fi couldn’t tell. “I say we go…to Chicago. Iffff it was my parents, I would do anything to go.”
Fi pressed her fist to her mouth, grateful for Sara’s support, and reached for Asher with her other hand.
Sean hung his head and nodded in agreement. “Asher, you’re like my brother now. ‘m sorry, I didn’t think ‘bout it. Sara’s right. We haveta go. Like she said. ‘f it was my parents…I would go. I vote…we go.”
Fi turned to Asher, her eyes pleading. “Ash, it will be ok. Let’s go find your folks.” She reached up and twined her fingers behind his neck and pulled him into a gentle kiss.
Though she knew he wanted to argue, he melted into her. “See, thasssnot…fair,” he whispered. “They dunno…everything.”
“As long as we stick together, it will be alright,” she echoed Sara’s plea. “All right, it’s settled. We go on to Chicago.”
As they walked back toward their former seats at the tarp, Fi saw Sara stumble and giggle as Sean caught her. She nudged Asher. “Seems like it might be good for us to start thinking about heading to bed, huh?”
“Yes…thasssgood,” he smiled, and slipped his hand into her back pocket.
Good grief, Fi thought, alcohol is strange stuff. She was glad she’d missed it this time.
Later that night, in the relative privacy of their own tent, Asher’s intentions became obvious. Not that she minded his enthusiasm, but she did wonder what inspired the urgency besides the alcohol.
“Ash,” she pulled away. “Is everything ok?” A nervous laugh escaped as she tried to explain her confusion. “I mean, I’m all for it, but it seems like you have, I don’t know, something on your mind…”
“Ssssorry ‘bout that.”
“Don’t be.” She pulled his arms around her more tightly. “Like I said, not a bad thing but, um, is there a reason?”
Asher rolled away and stared at the thin green tent above them in the darkness. Fi did the same. It felt strange not to see the stars above on a night without rain. The Seeders rarely slept under cover.
“There’s...a reason.” He propped himself on his elbow. “’s just…you know how they say women get a glow…when they’re pregnant?”
Fi snorted. “Yes, of course. Why? Am I glowing?”
“Kind of, Fi…yeah. You’re diffrnt.” Her face fell, and he hurried to reassure her. “Not…’n a bad way.” He pulled her into a spooning position.
“Well Ash, obviously some things have changed,” she chuckled. Not only did she have to wear a sports bra at all times now just to be comfortable, she’d recently had to reengineer one to add a stretchy waistband to her cargos. The stretchy waistband that Trill had been smart enough to notice.
“’s not just that. There’s something else too. I dunno,” he said, kissing her neck, his hands wandering again. “You’re just this hot, bubbling cauldron of sexy…’n you doneven know it.” He bit her neck and she dissolved into giggles.
“C’mon, now. Seriously. You are drunk. Bubbling cauldron of sexy?”
Asher nodded into her neck and his fingertips began to slide beneath her sports bra. “’s true, Fi. There’s something cr…crazy, like, oozing off you. You’re rosy ‘nd healthy ‘nd…fertile.”
“Fertile?” She closed her eyes as his fingers continued their exploration beneath her bra. “Well, I guess I should be oozing fertility at this point.”
“Yesssss,” Asher pressed against her, his hands growing more insistent. “’nd the hard part…s’that evry other guy feels it too, even if they dunno it. I’ve been ok with how much men like you…you know…” he hiccupped. “I know issnot your fault…but now, ’slike they’d follow you off…acliff…like lemmings.”
Fi tried to pay attention as he helped her out of the tight bra.
“Like that Jack,” he spat. “The way he looked atyou ‘ven though he knew…you were mine.”
Fi gasped. Wriggling around to face him, she frowned. “Asher, you’re jealous? After all this time, when we’re married and, and, pregnant. You’re jealous?” She couldn’t believe it.
“Not ‘cause I doubt you…’r anything.” His hands stroked her warm skin and she shuddered. “I just, God, his eyes kept wandering…whenever he talked…toyou. I wanted to punch ‘im…right ‘n the face.”
Fi stifled a laugh at the image of Asher suddenly popping Jack in the face for no reason. “Well, I’m certainly glad that you didn’t do that,” she murmured, as she helped him out of his shirt.
“Yes, but I managed…to…to restrain myself…”
“Well, I can’t say that I mind your lack of restraint in other areas.”
“Good.”
“By the way,” she giggled between gasps, “that lemming thing isn’t true. It’s a myth. They don’t really do that.”
“You…’re such…a nerd.”
A Promise Made
----------- Fi -----------
The next morning Fi awoke to find Asher sitting up with his head in his hands. She sat straight up in surprise. He never got up before her.
“Morning, sleepyhead,” he groaned, and she rushed to kneel beside him.
“Are you ok? What’s wrong?” She reached to push his hair back as he raised his head. He looked weary, but nothing was visibly wrong. She pressed her hand to his forehead. It was cool.
He flinched and squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m fine, Fi. I just have a terrible hangover.” Fi relaxed with a little laugh as Asher pressed his fingers to his temples. “My head is killing me, and I’m not sure…” he stopped and gulped before continuing, “…but I may still be drunk.”
Fi burst out into full laughter and then clapped her ha
nd over her mouth as Asher winced.
“Shhhh.” He tried to put his finger to her lips, but half missed and ended up just mushing them around. Definitely still drunk, she thought.
“I’m sorry Ash.” She wiggled until she was facing him and pressed her fingers to his temples, rubbing in small circles.
“Mmmmmm,” he moaned. “That feels good.” He hiccupped and pushed her away. “Sorry. I may have to be sick. It’s been, like, years since I’ve had anything to drink, let alone that stuff. God, it was rough.” He put his head back into his hands exactly as he’d been when she’d awakened.
“Well, I’m hardly one to judge you for that,” Fi teased, and then bit her tongue. One look at his green face reminded her that nauseous people are not up for humor. She laid back down on the sleeping bag to give him some space. “Look at the bright side, you have to be feeling better than Sean and Sara.”
At this, she did get an amused half-nod from his huddled form. Wow. He must really feel awful. She’d never even seen him this way from a cold or flu.
“For sure,” he said. “At least I’ve had alcohol before. I knew better than to keep going. Those two are definitely going to be wrecked.”
“So, I guess we’ll probably be staying another night, seeing as we’ll be getting a late start this morning.”
“After last night’s party, Fi, I don’t think anyone in Lakeland is waking up feeling good but you.”
She murmured her agreement, replaying the night in her mind. It had only taken the sight of a few people falling into brambles, or puking in the distance, to convince her that she’d gotten off easy. “Well, it doesn’t break my heart to spend another night. I like it here so far. We can take a few days before we go on to Chicago.”
“About that,” Asher sat up and appeared to try to look serious. It was clearly a struggle just to stay upright, but he seemed determined. “I have a request.”
Fi frowned. He wasn’t going to go back on that, was he? In one motion, he rolled onto his knees and laid on top of her, holding her close and pinning her down at the same time. She reached her arms around him in a tight hug. This normally was a position of love and affection for them, but Fi was also keenly aware that Asher had her undivided attention. She was sure that wasn’t accidental. It was why he had been waiting up for her.
His loose hair fell into her face. “I figured out why you’ve waited so long to tell Sean about the baby,” he said, and Fi’s frown deepened. “I thought at first that it was embarrassment, but then I realized…it’s because he’s your brother, Fi.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“I don’t know why,” Asher began, and then grimaced. “God, I feel like hell.” He rolled off of her and onto his back. “Don’t run away, ok?”
His voice was so rough that Fi felt badly that he’d even think he had to ask her that. “Of course, Ash. Say whatever’s on your mind. You can always speak your mind with me, you know that.”
“I know. It’s just hard sometimes when I think we’ll disagree. I don’t like to fight with you, Fi.”
“So your theory is that I haven’t told Sean because he’s basically my brother. What does that have to do with anything? I mean, I really was embarrassed, that was true.”
“I know Fi, believe me. You get embarrassed when the sun chooses to shine on you, for goodness sakes. I know how much you hate attention. But it wouldn’t be attention with Sean. It would be concern. He would be downright terrified, in fact, and he’d be right. I’m terrified and every day that you’re out here, pregnant, I just…I don’t know if I can keep doing it.”
Fi’s heart pounded in her chest. In all this time since they’d first agreed to keep going, Asher had never voiced this…his truth. But her truth, if she admitted it to herself, was that she was terrified as well. After that last attack, when she couldn’t keep the baby from her mind, she didn’t know how she’d handle another. But they were so close to Chicago, and she just couldn’t bear to be the reason that Asher had no closure.
“So what’s the difference between telling Sean and telling you?”
“Because Fi, a brother has a different claim on you, in a way. It’s been his job to protect you for so long. You’ve been a piece of him for his whole life. He would never accept your being out here while you’re pregnant and frankly, I can’t anymore either. My love for you has blinded me. It makes me believe too much in your invincibility. But I can’t kid myself anymore.” He rolled toward her. “I need a promise from you.”
Fi suddenly felt cold. Her heart stopped thumping and froze instead.
“I need you to promise me that if we’re attacked on our way back to Eden, that you will stay out of it. You can fire your weapon from a hidden position, or you can stand behind me and let me defend you. But you can’t fight yourself, period.” She closed her eyes, the ice pulsing through her. “If you can’t make me this promise, then I’m going to march out there and tell Sean and Sara that you’re pregnant, and that we’re going right home, because you know that’s what will happen.”
Fi felt horrible. He was so angry. She knew that he was expecting her to be outraged that he’d asked her to stay out the of the fight, but the truth was, she was relieved. And ashamed. She sighed.
He was right, she was wrong. She’d been wrong to let herself get pregnant when they were so far from home. Even though that was his fault too, she’d taken the risk, like an idiot. And she was wrong to prolong her time pretending to be a warrior, pretending to be a Leader, when she should have at least stayed out of the fight as soon as she’d discovered her pregnancy. A real Leader, she thought, would have admitted the truth. And the truth was that the last attack had petrified her beyond her comprehension.
She’d been afraid for her own life many times in the past. Very, very afraid. Each time she was sure that nothing could compare to the fear she felt in that moment. When she thought she would be raped, or mutilated, or beaten to death. And then, when Asher had returned from his Seek covered in blood, she’d been sure that she’d found the true depths of her own capacity for terror. But she’d been wrong. It turned out that the human capacity for terror was infinite. The feeling she’d had when that gleaming machete fell, its blow sure to end her child’s life…it was excruciating. Like every molecule in her body screamed “no” at once.
She opened her eyes and met Asher’s dark gaze. It was obvious how much it pained him to give her an ultimatum. And he shouldn’t have to; she chided herself. It was all just selfishness. That was what it had been. It was just that…well, Seeding and being Topside brought her so much joy and fulfillment. The idea of hiding away inside Eden, just another mommy in the colony…she shuddered. For a while, that thought had been her biggest fear. But now she knew the real danger, and it was time to start acting like a parent.
“Of course you’re right, Ash,” she conceded, and he exhaled. She wrinkled her nose and waved her hand in front of her face with a laugh. “Whew! Hangovers obviously come with some rank breath,” she said, and he swatted at her. “Seriously though…you’re right. I know you’re right. I’m sorry that I made it so hard on you, that wasn’t fair. I knew it was killing you and I just put it out of my mind because of what I wanted.” She paused and rolled onto her back. “And because I was scared.”
“You mean of being a mom?” His voice was gentle.
“Yeah.” She bit her lip and paused. “And, well, I think I was also just scared of my life changing permanently. I mean, this life…being a fighter, a Seeker, a Seeder. This is all I am now, what I’ve been for the part of my life that matters. And the truth is,” her voice grew small, “I like it. What will I do if I have to change now to just being a mom? How do I shift from killing people to raising them?”
“C’mon, Fi,” Asher chided her. “That’s not fair. You’ve been a mom for a long time now.”
“To Kiara, yes, somewhat.”
“No, to a lot of people, Fi. What do you think being the Leader means? You directed the Family; you prov
ided for them, you guided them, even those who were twice as old as you. And you know why?” He propped himself on one elbow and she rolled to face him. “Because you think that way, Fi. Just like Maggie.”
Her hand flew to her mouth as her eyes welled with instant tears. Shit, she thought, that wasn’t fair. He couldn’t compare her to her mother and expect her to keep it together. Especially now that her emotions were a constant roller coaster.
“You think of others, you put them first,” he continued. He reached out to stroke her cheek. “You worry about feeding them, clothing them, sheltering them. You try to keep them happy, keep them from hurting each other, or hurting themselves. You protect them from danger, and take it on yourself instead. Hell, the whole reason you’re out here isn’t because you like to kill people, it’s because you’re trying to save the whole world…to make a better world for all the other babies. What part of that is not being a mother?”
Fi felt the hot tears on her cheeks as she wiggled into Asher’s arms and rested her head against his chest. “Thanks,” she sniffed.
She was quiet for a moment as she let his praise settle over her. Here she’d been thinking she was the worst potential parent in the world, and Asher was saying the exact opposite. How was she this fortunate, that she’d have his forgiveness when it really wasn’t deserved? You’d think she would have learned by now how to be vulnerable with her own husband, how to let him help her.
“Ash.”
“Mmm?” He sounded sleepy.
“I was so scared.”
His arms tightened around her and she exhaled. It was a huge step. She’d never admitted her fear to him before. Not like that. But she needed to tell him. The terror was still there inside, hiding in her corners during the daytime, and emerging to haunt her dreams at night. “I tried to focus,” she said, “like Sensei Bob taught me, to push the emotion away and feel only the fight, but I couldn’t…I couldn’t stop thinking about him.”
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