by Hattie Jude
Throughout the day, everyone talks about Toby as if he was their best friend. Girls huddle together and cry, and several have to be excused each class to go talk to the counselors. I don’t know if they ever even acknowledged him when he was here, but they sure want to be friends with him now.
This is such a harsh reminder that life can be ripped away in an instant. We can be walking around fine one day and hanging in the balance the next. It’s too much to process.
Whether we admit it or not, I think most of us believe we’re immortal.
My head is muddled as I walk back to my locker at the end of the day. I have a headache and trip over something right as I reach my locker, falling into it. I flip through my lock and open the locker, getting the shock of my life when a bucket of cold water drenches me. I sputter and wipe the hair out of my eyes. Kids around me start laughing and I look around, trying to see who appears guilty.
Heidi and Raf walk by and Raf’s eyes widen as he looks me over. He lifts an eyebrow, smirking as he sees my face darken into rage. I turn back to my locker and scream, dodging backwards as a black snake slithers down from the top shelf. Raf laughs and steps around me, pulling the snake out with his bare hand. He walks to the door and frees it and turns expectantly toward me. Does he expect me to thank him? Or have a breakdown because of him?
I don’t do either.
I’m trembling all over, but I get my backpack out, slam the door shut, and run out of the building before anything else can go wrong.
I sit in the parking lot for a long time before driving, trying to make sense of what’s happening here. Was that Raf’s work? Heidi’s? Why? And what’s going on with Toby?
I tried to call Laura last night, the need to talk to my sponsor greater than I remember it being in at least five months. It rings and rings, which isn’t like Laura. And it’s especially unusual for her not to return my call.
I’ve skipped my last class and sneak in through the back door when I realize too late that my mom is home. She’s in the living room and I panic, wondering how I’ll get past her. I start to back out the door when I hear a man’s voice.
“He’s out of jail.”
“I didn’t know he was in jail. You’re supposed to keep me informed—why didn’t I know about this? Where is he now?”
“I’m not sure where he is right now, which is why I’m here.”
“You need to leave.”
The talking gets quieter and when it sounds like they’re walking near the door, I run up the stairs and shut my door. I sink my head into my hands and wish I could scream. Everyone is keeping secrets from me and I don’t even know where to begin to try to unravel them.
My phone buzzes and I pick it up.
Raf: I need to see you.
I sigh. Why?
Raf: Meet me at the beach in back.
I don’t answer. Instead, I sneak out of the house and out the back gate. Raf is standing in the sand, barefoot, and staring out at the water. I watch him for a moment undetected before he turns and sees me.
“You need to leave Longlake.” His whole demeanor is icy, and I rub my hands over my arms, feeling the chill near the water.
“Why?”
“Why do you ask so many questions? You don’t belong there. You never should’ve come and now you really need to go.”
“Does this have anything to do with Toby?”
He’s next to me in the next second, his grip tight around my arm. “Don’t even say his name.”
“Why?” I whisper.
He puts his hand in his hair and tugs, looking around. I turn to see what he’s looking at, but I don’t see anything.
“Is someone following you?” I ask. “Are you in some kind of trouble?”
He leans his head back, his anger tumbling over the surface. “You’ve butted your nose into everything since you got here, and I’m telling you to stop. Leave. You’re not welcome here, and you’re not welcome at Longlake. It’ll get a lot worse for you if you don’t just go.”
“I’m so confused. All I’ve tried to do is go to school and stay to myself. I’ve hardly even tried to hang out with Luci because I don’t want her to be mistreated for being nice to me. You’re making no sense.” I push his chest away from me when he gets all up in my space. “Back off. I can’t change schools. I don’t want to move. Get over whatever ridiculous power trip this is and leave me the hell out of it.”
“I wish I could. You’re such a fucking inconvenience, trust me.”
Ow. That hurts and I step back. “You don’t seem to feel that way when your hand is between my legs.”
He stalks forward, making me trip when I stumble back, until my back is against the fence and he’s caging me in. His hand snakes down between my legs and he shifts my panties to the side, finding me soaked.
“You’re such a whore. Just like your mother.”
I rear back and slap him across the face, the sound a hard snap. It surprises both of us. He holds his hand to his cheek and I duck under his arms, running back to the house.
Chapter Ten
My head collides with a chest and I drop my purse. The contents scatter across the dirty floor and two girls glare at me when they have to step over makeup and extra pens. I barely slept at all last night after seeing Raf and I know it shows. Two hands steady me and I look up.
“We need to talk,” Raf says.
“I have nothing to say to you.”
“You look like shit.” He pierces me with his crazy blue eyes and I feel like I’m sinking. I sag against him for a moment and then push him away.
“I wouldn’t have thought you noticed. You despise the air I breathe.” My voice breaks at the end. “Don’t I always look like shit in your eyes?”
“Yes,” he says with a smirk. “But you’re wrecking yourself and I want to know why.”
“What do you care? You want me to leave. Why can’t we just agree to ignore each other?”
“We have unfinished business, Sinclair. Since you ignored what I said last night, it’s your death wish.”
“Why did you say that about my mother?” I stare him down and he looks everywhere but at me.
“You know the sayings about moms are always fighting words. I didn’t expect you to go all slap happy on me.” He chuckles and I want to slap him all over again.
I open my locker and ketchup sprays across my chest. He yanks me back and groans.
“I suppose this is your doing?” I yank my arm from his, not bothering to wipe off the ketchup.
“My stunts aren’t this trivial.”
Ashton walks up then and clears his throat.
“Are you still coming over to my house this afternoon?” Ashton asks. He and Raf fold their arms across their chests. They’d be drawing guns if this were an old Western.
“I was in the middle of a conversation with Gabi,” Raf says, stepping closer to me.
“Well, we have plans,” Ashton says, also stepping closer to me.
I’m trying to remember what I said to Ashton about his house. Everything is swimming together and I just need to go to bed. I’m in a tug-of-war and it won’t end well for me. I won’t be the winner.
“I’m just gonna go home today.” I point at my shirt. “I need to change anyway.”
A flash of something crosses Raf’s eyes—he almost looks guilty for a second—but it’s gone in the next second when Ashton puts his arm around my shoulder and hugs me close to him.
“My little klutz.” He kisses my cheek and Raf’s jaw ticks.
Raf backs away from me and turns around to walk away. I watch him go and when he turns around and points at me, my heart pounds with something hopeful.
“You wanna play?” He stalks closer to me and leans in my face, his lips a breath away from mine. “He’s all yours. But don’t say I didn’t warn you…let’s see what you’re really made of.”
The inspection he gives me when he backs up sends a chill through me. My mouth parts and I want to call after him, tell him not to g
o, to explain what he means, but my body is sluggish and in slow motion from the lack of sleep.
Ashton taps on the locker and snorts. “He’s loving this.” He tugs on my chin and turns me to face him, batting his sweet eyes. “Come over to my place?”
“You don’t have to give me the puppy dog eyes to get me to do what you want.” I groan.
He grins and stands up straight, his confidence back in full force. “Wasn’t sure if you’d need convincing.”
“Nope.” My breath catches and my eyes well with tears. I remember my shirt with the ketchup smeared all over it and let Ashton lead me down the hall and to my car.
“Tomorrow I’ll come over. I need to clean up.” I get in my car and look up at him. He’s still grinning even though I’ve turned him down and I’m glad one of us is in such a good mood.
“I thought you and Raf were friends? Why do you put up with him?”
He leans down and tweaks my nose. “We are.” He bites the inside of his cheek. “This isn’t him. I’m not sure what’s going on with him right now, but you do bring out the worst in him.”
I lift my eyebrows. “Then why do you keep pushing this?” I motion between the two of us.
“Couple reasons.” He grins. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I wait, but he doesn’t give me anything else. “Tomorrow.”
I go home and take a shower, feeling more like myself when I get out. I relive the conversation with Raf a few dozen times and wonder what to expect from him next. I need to have another conversation with Ashton too.
I don’t trust either one of them right now.
That thought is ringing in my ears even as I hear the doorbell. My mom won’t be home for a while and I contemplate ignoring the door, but then the pounding starts.
I see Raf’s car outside my bedroom window.
I run down the stairs and fling the door open, my heart racing. He stalks in, the fury still jumping off of him. He goes up the stairs and I hear him walk in my room before I realize he expects me to follow.
I’m annoyed but also curious, so I cave and head upstairs.
When I reach my room, he’s pacing.
“So, you didn’t go to his house.” He stops and leans against my dresser, crossing his arms.
“I don’t understand why you’re being like this.”
He walks up to me and runs his fingers down my cheek. “Have you slept with him yet?”
My heart trips over itself and I get on my tiptoes to get in his face. “What if I have?”
He turns around, walks to the window and slams his hand against the wall. My phone vibrates and Raf glances at it. When he sees who’s calling, he slams his hand again and walks out of the room. I follow after him.
“Wait. Where are you going? What do you expect of me, Raf?”
He turns and stares at me before he leaves and for a moment, all of his walls are down. Torment and despair and something like hatred. I shudder, rubbing a hand down my arm. He opens his mouth and I lean in, hoping whatever he says will reveal the truth.
Instead, he turns and walks out the door and I stand there watching him walk across the grass to his house.
Nothing neighborly about this relationship.
My interaction with Raf haunts me. Did he assume I was saying I’d slept with Ashton just because I didn’t answer his question?
I think about drinking this away, I absolutely do. But I don’t. I pace in front of the cabinet and even get a small knife to break the lock, but eventually put it away and go back to my room. I need to talk to Laura, but she still hasn’t called me back. I could use a friend, or a distraction.
Something other than my sick fascination with Raf.
He thinks he owns me? A couple of orgasms and he thinks he can demand anything of me? He thought that even before you kissed, I remind myself. And he’s most likely sleeping with Heidi.
I hope he isn’t. God, I hope he isn’t. But how can I have any thoughts about it when we aren’t even together? I groan out loud and throw my phone across the room. It lands on the bed, so the result is anticlimactic but it helps distract me from hating Raf for two seconds.
By the time my homework is done and I’m in bed, my rage about Raf Barron is back with a vengeance.
I realize something before I fall asleep: I haven’t thought of Ashton once since I left him in the school parking lot. If I wondered about there ever being anything but friendship between the two of us, I now know the answer to that.
It’s like I’m in a different school when I walk down the hallways the next morning. The girls that have ignored me since day one are now looking at me with open contempt. A group of them parts and Raf, Henry, and Ashton stand in the middle of them. Heidi is hanging on Raf’s arm and even though he doesn’t acknowledge me, I can tell he knows I’m watching. He works too hard to not look my way. Henry glances at me and shakes his head, rolling his eyes and focusing his attention back on Melanie. Ashton is the only one who has a slightly guilty look on his face, but he sheds it quickly when I give him a tentative smile.
I’ve tried to avoid the bathroom as much as possible because I don’t want to run into the mean girls and you never know when someone will be in here vaping, or worse. But I can’t avoid it this time and sure enough, Amber is in the corner. I don’t speak to her and she acts nervous to see me, quickly wiping white powder away from her nose. I do my business and get out of there, relieved that she’s gone when I come out of the stall. I’m a little shocked Amber is doing this at school. She’s not usually one of the girls I see high around here, but it seems to be more prevalent lately. Maybe everyone was on their best behavior at the beginning of the school year. Things are getting more comfortable now.
I exit quickly, hoping I don’t find any new surprises in my locker. I open it standing as far back as I can, hoping to avoid whatever might come popping out. Nothing happens and I exhale a long sigh of relief.
I feel arms around my waist and jump. A broad chest circles my back and I glance over my shoulder. Ashton smiles down at me. I give him a shaky smile and gently push his hands off of my waist.
Lunch is painful. Luci had to go to a doctor’s appointment, so I don’t know where to sit. Ashton isn’t in the lunchroom and the table I usually sit at is filled with my favorite crew. Not. I pull out a book and sit with my back to Raf. I don’t want to see him, but I still feel his eyes drilling holes into me.
I need to focus on school anyway, I tell myself. I got a B on a quiz this morning, proof that my head isn’t where it should be.
At this rate, it’s going to be a tortuously slow school year.
I hear a commotion behind me and turn around when the chanting starts. I turn around and see Heidi doing something with her mouth while everyone around her chants: “Tie it! Tie it! Tie it!”
And then they start counting down the seconds.
She pulls something out of her mouth and holds it up triumphantly. I can’t tell what it is, but she looks proud of herself and turns to Raf. My mouth drops when she wraps her arms around him, nuzzles her face into his neck, and he lets her.
My hands shake, my insides shake, I feel like a walking earthquake. I scoop up my books and throw my lunch away without finishing it. Ashton is walking in as I go out.
“Hey, you’re leaving already?”
I keep walking and throw up a wave. I don’t want to start crying in front of anyone.
“You okay, Gabi?”
“I’m fine. Gotta run. Catch you later.”
I turn the corner and race to my locker.
Why does Raf Barron make me feel all the things?
I take a long bath after my homework is done and when the doorbell rings, I sit up. Ashton. Dammit!
When I open the door, Ashton is holding a huge bouquet of red lilies.
The smile instantly drops off of his face. “What are you doing with those?”
“They were on the front step. Here, see who they’re from.”
“You didn’t bring them?”
“No…they were there.” He points at the same spot on the porch where I found them before.
I don’t see anything else suspicious. My hands shake when I take the flowers from him and he frowns.
“Hey, what’s going on?”
“Why don’t you tell me? I don’t know what you’re up to, but I didn’t sign up for all of this between you and Raf. Why are you acting like we’re a couple?”
“Would that be so bad?”
“It’s not true. It’s like an act you put on when you know he’s watching. Stirring up trouble. I don’t know why we’re pretending to be anything different than what we are. We’re friends, right?” I shut the door and walk to the kitchen, putting the lilies in the trash.
“Why are you throwing those away?”
“I hate lilies.”
His eyebrows lift to the ceiling. “Remind me to never give you lilies.”
“Seriously, I hate them.”
He holds up both hands. “Okay, okay. I was impressed they weren’t roses. Who are they from?”
“I don’t know.”
“You didn’t see a card with it?”
“There was no card.”
“But you know who they’re from…which is why they’re in the trash.”
I put my hand on my hip and glare at him. “Quit avoiding my questions…what is your deal with Raf?”
“I just think he needs a little push in your direction. His jealousy with you…I’ve never seen him like this. He’s my friend, even though he’s being the biggest asshole there ever was right now, but I know him better than anyone and he deserves to let someone in. He never has, you know.”
“Seems fine letting Heidi Serrin in.”
He makes a face, scoffing exaggeratedly. “She is a piece of meat he did a while ago and never looked back. One and done.”
“That’s supposed to make me feel better?” I groan.