by Hattie Jude
The school is abuzz with something besides me the next day, and I couldn’t be more grateful for the distraction. And it’s good news. Apparently, Toby Matthison has woken from his coma and is expected to recover. News about him has been about how I assumed it would be—everyone cared when the drama was at an all-time high, but since he was never super popular, no one has kept the same level of emotion and the topic has died down. But today, the news is circulating and it’s enough to get the focus off of me.
It reminds me that I should check on Laura. She’s been quiet again and she’d mentioned her brother being sick. I should see if he’s okay. I call her during my break and she picks up, sounding much better than the last time we spoke.
“Are you okay, Gabi?”
“I am. Getting through each day. But I’ve been worried about you? How are things going?”
“Well, I’m happy to say my brother is out of the woods. The doctors think he’ll make a full recovery. He’s young…not quite 23, so he stands a chance of being back to himself soon.”
“I’m so glad to hear it. That’s great news, Laura!”
“Thank you. I know. I’m so relieved. Hey—did you ever give that other sponsor a call?”
“No, I’ve been dealing with things on my own. But I can if I ever get in bad shape again.”
“Just call me. I think my schedule will get back to normal now that I’m not with Toby all the time.”
I frown. How many coincidences could that be? Her brother is in a coma and finally recovering…and named Toby? But she said he’s older. I remember being at the coffee shop with her that day and she got a call. That’s where I know Toby’s face. His picture came up on her cell phone. What the hell?
“What caused his coma?” I ask, my heart pounding harder. I don’t know what’s going on, but something is all kinds of wrong about this.
“It has to do with his job. He has a dangerous one,” she adds. “Look, I’ve gotta run. He’s waking up and he’d kill me for talking about him. Everything is so hush-hush with him, I shouldn’t have even said what I did. I don’t know the half of what he does, so I should keep my mouth shut. I’m just so glad to have him back.”
“I’m happy for you.”
We hang up and I stare at the empty halls, wondering what is going on. Why would a twenty-three-year-old be at Longlake as a student?
Chapter Thirteen
I go for a run early the next morning. I hate running, but I haven’t been dancing or gardening or anything physical since I got here, and my mind and body are sluggish. It’s a mistake because as I get too far to turn around, I see Raf running toward me. Instead of moving past me, he turns and joins me.
I stop and face him. “You’re not welcome on this run.”
“When has being welcome ever stopped me?”
“How long have you known our parents are dating?”
“Long enough.”
“You must hate your father…to be exposing his girlfriend like that to Longlake, where reputations go to die.”
He doesn’t deny it and when I start jogging, he moves alongside me.
“My father doesn’t deserve a girlfriend.”
“Well, my mom deserves someone kind. She’s been dealt with enough bad relationship juju to last a lifetime, so I guess it’s a good thing they’re going to break up.”
“Can’t say I’m sad about that,” he says.
“You’re a cruel person, Raf.” I don’t know if I’m breathless because I’m running faster or if it’s what I’m saying and who I’m saying it to. Tears blur my vision but I keep going. “I hate you.”
He yanks my arm, pulling me to an abrupt stop before dragging me to a tree with a low covering of branches. He pulls us underneath the covering and leans down, his face in mine.
“I told you it would get worse. I told you to get out of here. You won’t listen.”
His eyes drop to my lips and in the next second, his hands are in my hair and he’s kissing me like I’m his last best chance for living. His tongue clashes with mine and I groan. He tugs my waist toward him and thrusts, his erection hot and long against my stomach. The next thing I know, my legs are around his waist and he’s lowering me into the dirt, the shadows from the branches creating a dappled effect with the sun. His mouth travels down my neck and to my breasts and I feel like I’m being consumed by him.
A noise in the distance makes me jump. The sound of a child playing nearby. I push him back, but he keeps traveling down, his fingers getting closer to my weakness. I pull his head up and he comes back to my mouth, kissing me hard and thrusting into me.
I hear the child again and I knee Raf in the nuts. He pulls back, the rage immediate.
“What the fuck?”
I expect him to shove off of me, but it’s like an aphrodisiac. He pulls my yoga pants down and thrusts two fingers inside of me. I’m so sensitive, I come immediately and the smug look on his face is my undoing. I hate myself almost as much as I hate him. He pulls his sweats down and I don’t look. I know I’ll like what I see way too much. He teases me with the tip and I keep my eyes closed, biting my lip hard.
And then everything goes cold. My skin pebbles with goose bumps and I feel the loss of his warmth. I open my eyes and he’s gone. I sit up and pull up my pants, my humiliation complete. I stay there for a few moments, blasting myself with all the ways I’ve screwed up.
I keep letting him break me down. Something has to change. I refuse to keep being his pawn.
The red lilies are on my front step every day for the next week. On day seven, I yell and tear them apart and my mom comes running out the front door with a baseball bat.
“What’s going on?” She bends over at the knees when she sees I’m not hurt or being mugged.
I hold up the ripped flowers and her eyes widen when she sees the mess on the ground.
“Did you see who left them?”
“No, but it’s happened a lot. Every day this week…other times before that. Is Luke here?”
She gets antsy and I know what she’s going to say before she says it. “I don’t know. I’ve heard from my investigator that he was in jail and then got out…”
“So that was about Luke.”
“What?”
“I overheard that conversation and was trying not to be nosy, but I should’ve been…or you should’ve let me know,” I yell.
“Keep your voice down. I need to talk to Stefen about this. See if he’s seen anything.”
“Right, I’m sure that’ll help.” My mom flinches like I’m smacking her with my sarcasm. “You’ve been moping around the house for days…I’m sorry you’re missing your boyfriend so much. You may as well go back to him. Raf and I aren’t speaking anymore. We’ve avoided each other all week. It’s the best week I’ve had at school…if this with the lilies didn’t keep happening. There’s no risk of a stepbrother love affair going on at this point. You’re safe.”
The image of us under the tree has played in vicious loops until I feel like I’m losing my mind. But at least it’s not happening again.
Tears stream down Mom’s cheeks and she picks the flowers off of the ground and dumps them in the trash, holding the door for me after we’ve picked it all up.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said all that.” My shoulders drop.
“No, you have every right to be upset with me. I should’ve never had a child while being in the porn business. I should’ve never introduced you to Luke. Never trusted that his intentions were honorable. Never left you alone with him or alone, period, so much of the time. I shouldn’t have stayed with your father as long as I did. All of this is my fault. The least I could do was break up with Stefen.” Her voice cracks when she says his name. “He understood. I barely know him anyway.” Except now she’s sobbing and her shoulders are shaking.
“Mom.” I take her in my arms and hug her tight, feeling more like the parent than ever. “If you miss him that much, call him. It’s not that big of a deal.”
�
��I can’t do anything right,” she whimpers.
I roll my eyes and take a few deep breaths before saying anything. “I know it’s hard to believe, but not everything is about you.”
She stiffens once my words are out and pulls away, her eyes flashing. “I know that.”
I press my lips together and my eyes widen, wanting her to think about it for just one second, the possibility that she manages to turn everything around to herself.
Thursday after school, Luci and I hit the closest coffee shop. We have a science test coming up and it’s not my best subject. However, little studying has been done because we’ve been discussing at length how we feel about K-pop. She’s for it, I’m not as much.
“I just don’t see what the big deal is.” I put my chin in my hands and she stares at me in disbelief.
“I can’t believe you don’t understand it!”
“I’ll keep trying.” I shrug but deep down I know I’ve given it a solid try. I don’t want to ruin her fun though. I wouldn’t have told her how I felt if she didn’t continuously ask how I feel about certain songs and I have to keep admitting I don’t know them. And then when I do know the song and it’s not my favorite, apparently my expression gives me away.
She goes into this long tirade about it being more than their songs, it’s the feeling behind the music, and I lose my ability to concentrate and stare out the window. I jump when I see someone who looks just like Luke staring at me from across the street. I stand up and turn around, quickly stepping away from the window before peeking back out there.
“Uh, what are you doing?”
He’s not out there when I look again. I stand fully in the window then, searching both directions.
“I must have imagined it. I thought I saw someone I used to know.”
“Someone you like?” She frowns. “Because you look terrified right now.”
I run my hand down my neck and take a deep breath. “Someone I hoped I’d never see again.”
“Tell me everything.” She leans in as I sit back down.
“I…I’m not ready to talk about it yet. It’s…he’s someone who brought out the worst in me and my family. He’s the reason my mom and I moved across the country—well, one of them. He ruined my family.” I press my lips together and a shudder crosses my spine.
Luci reaches out and takes my hand. “It’s okay. Maybe you imagined it was him. Do you see him now?”
I shake my head. I’m not imagining anything. Luke is here. And it’s only a matter of time before he comes to get whatever he’s after.
I don’t tell my mom about seeing him. I make sure the doors are locked every night and I look obsessively on pound websites for a dog that could protect me.
Chapter Fourteen
All it took was my permission for my mom to start seeing Stefen again. She’s floating around the house again and swears that my trouble with Raf is over. I’m starting to believe her. Since the day on the beach, he won’t even look at me.
I miss his eyes on me.
He will never know it.
I thought his hatred was the worst thing, but it turns out that his indifference is far worse.
Heidi walks by while I’m closing my locker and she cocks an eyebrow, far too smug for my liking.
“Looking lonelier every day,” she pouts. “Turns out your porn star mother didn’t teach you all her tricks on how to satisfy a man.” She runs her tongue around her candy red lips and simulates a hand job.
My mind runs away with me at the thought of Raf turning to her since he’s leaving me alone. It’s what she wants me to think. Every chance she gets, she’s saying things like this, trying to poke the bear.
I walk past her like I haven’t heard her and it’s not enough of a diss, but I know she hates thinking she’s not affecting me.
Luci falls into step next to me. “You going to the game this week?”
“Yes. Wanna go—?”
“Stay away from the game,” Raf says as he passes us. “Off-limits. Don’t push me on this.”
He keeps walking while Luci and I stare after him. I’m shocked he spoke to me.
“What is his problem?”
I shake my head. “So many things, but I’m not letting him keep me from the game. I promised Ashton I’d come…Raf can eat it.”
She laughs and I do too, but dread and anticipation wrestle inside at the thought of defying him.
I’ll be ready for him this time.
I don’t bother with school colors. I have no school spirit for Longlake. But I do paint Ashton’s number—56—on my cheek. I have a tight sweater and my favorite jeans on and when Luci shows up, she’s decked out in navy and green, school spirit from head to toe. She wrinkles her nose when she sees my outfit, but I turn my cheek to the side and point out the number painted on my face.
“Okay, that’s more like it. You could’ve at least worn one of the school colors.”
“Longlake doesn’t deserve my allegiance.”
She shrugs. “Fair enough.”
“You ready?”
Mom knocks on my door and when I open it, Luci gasps. I turn toward her, surprised to see the awe on her face when she sees my mom. She flushes and holds out her hand, and my mom shakes it, laughing.
“Well, hello. I’m Sarah, and you must be Luci.”
“Such a huge fan,” Luci says.
“God, Luci! You never told me that.”
She grins and ignores me. “The way you broke society’s perception of pornography…made it more of an art form. Huge, huge fan,” she repeats.
I roll my eyes as my mom titters with the attention.
“I’m not sure how I feel about a high school student being so familiar with my work, but it’s nice to hear.” Mom’s cheeks are pink and she presses her lips together, giving me wide eyes.
“On that note, we’re gonna go. This is weird.” I grab a jacket and my phone, tucking my license and cash in a wristlet.
We get to the car and I turn to Luci. She holds up her hands. “Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.”
“How did I not know you were such an avid fan of my mother’s?”
She bites her bottom lip and cringes as we get in the car and buckle up. “Did I come on too strong? I guess I thought it was something you might not want to know, but yeah…” She lets out a breathy exhale and I shake my head staring at her and holding up my hand.
“No, do not go all breathy when we’re talking about my mother.”
“If she wasn’t your mother, you’d be in awe. Just sayin’.”
“I don’t want to know this,” I yell.
She starts laughing and eventually I join in. By the time I pull into the school parking lot, we’re in hysterics. I wipe my eyes and can’t even look at her without laughing. I open the door and the blast of cool air reminds me to grab my jacket. I reach in the backseat to grab it and when I turn back around to step out, Raf is standing there, blocking me.
“Why do you insist on being so difficult?”
“You don’t get a say in what I do.” As tricky as it is to get out of the car with him so close, I manage. My chest hits his and both of us take a quick intake of breath. It makes me feel a slight bolt of power and I stand taller. “Step away.”
He holds his hand out as if leading the way. “Remember I warned you. Go home. Nobody wants you here.” He leans down in my face. “I can’t make it any clearer than that.”
I frown up at him. “I’m so tired of this game. You and me. I’m over it.”
“This is no game. You don’t belong here.” His jaw clenches and he steps back.
I hold up my fingers. “Toodles. You don’t get to decide where I belong.”
Luci and I make eye contact and giggle, the high from our car ride barely diminished. I loop my arm through hers, glad to have a friend by my side.
“Ignore him. We won’t let him ruin our fun,” she says. “Come on. Let’s get something to eat right away and find our seats.”
I feel Raf’s eye
s on me and give my hair an extra toss. “Done. Raf, who?”
We laugh again and I feel a hand on my elbow, turning me around. Whatever was contained in him a minute before is gone.
“Are you drunk?” he spits.
My brows join in the center, everything in me scowling at him. “No, I am not drunk. What is your fucking problem? Let me go.”
He drops his hand and shoves it through his hair. In the next second, he leans in and studies my eyes, as if he doesn’t believe me. He actually sniffs me and I want to hit him.
“I am not drunk,” I repeat, my voice quiet this time.
Does he know about my stint in rehab? He’s acting like it. What else does he know?
He turns without another glance and stalks away, his shoulders tense.
“He just gets crazier,” Luci says. “You’re not drunk, right? Because I should’ve driven if you are.”
“Don’t you start too.” I walk away, moving toward the concession stand.
“Hold up, I was teasing. I know you’re not. I haven’t heard you laugh like that ever, but I know you’re not drunk.” She bumps my elbow and I reluctantly grin back at her.
We get our drinks and sit as close to the field as we can. When the game starts, I do my best to follow, but it’s a struggle. Ashton plays well, and he makes it easy to focus on him…until the fourth quarter. A group of girls moves behind Luci and me and it only takes a second to hear those whiny voices to know that it’s the lame squad led by none other than Heidi. The smell of weed becomes overpowering and I turn around, frowning when a long stream of smoke is blown my way.
Heidi lifts both shoulders. “You looked like you could loosen up.” She leans forward and whisper-shouts, “Found any coke in your locker lately? I heard porn stars are quite the cokeheads. Is that where you adopted the habit? Your mom?”
I stand up and pour my drink in her face. She sputters and I grin.
“That’s better. Keep the drugs to yourself. I don’t want it.” I take off down the bleachers with Luci on my heels.