Frankie felt a fist of apprehension in her stomach at the thought of facing off with Danny’s father. She had only met him briefly, and she had not liked the vibe she got from him at all. She was very doubtful that he was a man who could be swayed to change his mind.
Then she thought of the restraint chair and what it must be costing Ben to risk leaving his dad again. He already had so much to deal with, and yet he was willing to try to help someone else. Besides, he was looking at her with those dark blue eyes, which held a question and, suddenly, Frankie had the most peculiar feeling that he was asking if she would stand by him for more than just this.
“Okay, I’ll go with you,” she said.
Ben’s face lit up and he squeezed Frankie’s hand.
“We can do this,” he said. “We’re a team.”
His hands felt wonderfully warm and reassuring, and his words sounded in Frankie’s ears like a promise.
Chapter Twenty-One
A flurry of phone calls ensued the following day and Irma reported that eventually Colin had agreed to sit down and talk with them.
“Although,” Irma confessed fretfully, “he can be the type that finds it amusing to let you present your whole case before he says no.”
Ben decided that Frankie did not need to hear that particular piece of information. She had been apprehensive enough, and he was grateful she had agreed to be there with him. The truth was, he was having a more and more difficult time imagining that the summer would end and he wouldn’t see her again.
There has to be some way we can work it out, Lord. I can no longer pretend to accept that You brought this wonderful woman into my life without a purpose.
He resolved that as soon as things were settled with Danny he would have a long, honest talk with Frankie and they would figure out if they had something—anything—worth pursuing. Despite the upcoming meeting with Colin, for the first time in a long time, Ben felt a lilt of hope in his heart—like maybe it really could be possible to be a good son and caregiver, and to have someone special in his life, too.
For the first time, he treaded at the edge of forgiving himself.
They had agreed to meet at Irma’s at eleven in the morning because Ben thought that dropping off his dad would go more smoothly if he did it on his own. He also thought he could keep the emotional rough spots at bay better without Frankie’s perceptive and sympathetic gaze on him.
“Okay,” Frankie agreed. “But please don’t be late. I have absolutely no desire to face Danny’s father on my own.”
“I’ll be there,” Ben promised. “I won’t leave you on your own.” As he said the words, it suddenly felt like he was talking about more than this particular circumstance. He wondered if Frankie heard their import, too. For good measure, he leaned in and kissed her cheek, breathing in her vanilla-and-peppermint scent, then sat back to enjoy the slow flush of color blossoming on her face.
He was halfway to Irma’s when his cell phone rang. He pulled over and looked at it, and was puzzled when he saw that it was the care facility calling. The drop-off had gone remarkably well, for which he had thanked God. He answered with the slightest degree of impatience. He didn’t want to be late and cause Frankie to worry, and he hoped it was something simple like his dad asking for his shells or something.
“Hello?” he answered.
“Um...Mr. Cedar?” He didn’t recognize the voice, which sounded young and very upset.
“Yes?” he asked, as nerves began to flare in his stomach.
“I—We—I’m sorry to inform you that we don’t know where your father is.”
Ben’s hand clenched around the phone. He felt light-headed, a strange detachment like he was outside himself observing the conversation.
“What do you mean that you don’t know where my father is?” The voice asking the question sounded only vaguely like his. “I dropped him off not more than five minutes ago.”
There was a pause and then the older, brisker voice of the head administrator came on the phone.
“That’s fine, Phoebe,” Ben heard her say. “I’ll take it from here. Phoebe is new,” she explained to Ben, “but she insisted that she be the one to call you since she feels that what happened was her fault.”
“What exactly did happen?” Ben didn’t even know that his own voice could be so cold. Each second that ticked away while he sought their explanation was one more second that he didn’t know where his father was.
He shut his eyes against the troublesome pictures that rushed in and a headache began its assault.
It turned out that Phoebe had thought Al needed a trip to the washroom before taking him into the common room for a snack and games. He had been so docile that she hadn’t thought she needed extra assistance. The closest washroom was near an exit. After that, it was easy enough to piece together what had happened. Al, not so docile after all, had shoved Phoebe aside and escaped through the exit. By the time she had recovered herself enough to call someone, he was long gone.
“We are so very sorry, Ben,” the administrator said. “I want you to know that we have several staff members out looking for your father and we will alert the authorities if necessary.”
Ben heard himself thanking her, and then he clicked off his phone. He tried to pray about what he should do next, but his thoughts were muddled and the words would not come.
He thought maybe his dad would try to find his way back to their cabin, so he began to drive in that direction. He was unable to help himself from imagining all kinds of unfortunate scenarios. Already Al had shoved someone and it was likely that he was very agitated by this time. Who knew how he would react to anyone approaching him, what he might do?
His father wasn’t back at the cabin, and with increased anxiety, Ben dashed over to check the Ice Cream Adventure. After that, although he thought it was likely futile, he hurriedly stuck his head into every shop, quickly asking if anyone had seen Al, and leaving almost before they could answer no. He also checked the Nature Center and the library, where the sight of the back of Rae’s head shot a bullet of guilt through him. But he didn’t have time to think about that now.
Finally, almost sick with worry, he had headed down to the beach, to the water. He didn’t think his dad would go near the water because he seemed to be afraid of it, but he didn’t know where else to look.
He spotted Al, ambling, stumbling a bit on the beach. He clutched an assortment of things he had picked up—a deflated red balloon, more rocks and shells and a grimy-looking newspaper.
“Dad!” Ben flew to him.
“Hi,” Al said.
“Never mind, hi. Let’s get you back.” Ben eased the “treasures” from his father’s grasp and guided him in the direction of their cabin.
Somewhere in the back of his mind he thought he should probably thank God that he had found his father and that he was safe. But, somehow, he just didn’t want to.
The discordant background music that had played in his mind through his entire search now leaped to the forefront. Frankie had waited for him and he hadn’t shown up. There was absolutely no doubt in his mind about the impact that would have on her.
Then again, he thought, perhaps it was better this way. Perhaps it was better for them both to know now, before he allowed himself to continue with the witless thought that he could have it all. He had met a woman who had stirred emotions in him, and he had let those emotions convince him that he could do it all. He could give his father the care he needed and he could love a beautiful woman.
Because he did love her. Not that it mattered, not anymore. Today had presented him with one of those hard but necessary lessons: he couldn’t do it all, and he couldn’t have it all. He knew because of the person that he was that he couldn’t fail in his responsibilities to his father and live with himself. He would let Frankie go. For her sake, and because it was the only feasible path to take, he w
ould let her go. He didn’t deserve happiness. He had made bad choices. He hadn’t been there for his mother when she had needed him and now he wouldn’t be there for Frankie. He would never have forgiveness, and that’s what he had to live with.
Back at the cabin, Ben went through the rote actions of pouring his dad a glass of milk and getting out some washcloths for him.
Then he opened their suitcases. He sat looking at them for the longest time, but they could not answer his question of whether it would hurt more to say goodbye to Frankie and Rae before they left, or not to say it.
* * *
If Frankie had been forced to find something to be thankful for during what felt like the longest hour of her life, the only thing she could come up with was that, for Rae’s sake, she’d had plenty of practice in keeping her emotions under control and presenting a confident, in-control exterior at those times when she really just wanted to curl up into a little ball and melt.
“I don’t think your friend is coming,” Colin had said after they had waited for half an hour. Irma wrung her hands and let the teakettle whistle shrilly without going to unplug it. Frankie had thought she would pop out her cheekbones because she was clenching her teeth so hard.
“I’m sure he’ll be here,” she had said with a bright, brittle note in her voice that she didn’t think even sounded like her. “He had to drop his father off.”
Inside she agonized that something might have gone wrong; in fact, she was sure it must have. She knew she should probably call the home to find out, but she felt frozen by Colin’s judging eyes on her and by her own emotions. She could reason with herself that Ben would have been there if he could have, but, to her heart that was sick with disappointment and worry, it didn’t make any difference. No matter what, it seemed she was destined to end up right back where she’d started: facing life on her own and trying to make the best of it.
It wouldn’t hurt quite so much, Lord, if I hadn’t started to believe that maybe I wasn’t meant to be alone after all.
She was sure that Ben would explain and be sorry. But, ultimately, she felt that there would always be a reason he couldn’t really be there for her, even if he wanted to be. There wasn’t any sense getting further involved or exposing Rae to more. The conversation she had planned to have with him, the questions she planned to ask, had proved to be unnecessary.
“So, what now?” Colin asked. “Do you have something you want to say to me or should I just get Danny—or what?”
Irma had finally poured the tea, and in between pushing sips past the lump in her throat, Frankie quickly and nervously ran down the reasons it would be good for Danny to stay put and finish what he’d started.
“I guess I’ll think about it,” Colin said when she was finished. He added gruffly, “I’m not making any promises, but I do appreciate your interest in my son.”
It was a brief, unexpected light to penetrate Frankie’s dark mood, but she clung to it and thought of the scripture she had read that morning about God working all things for good for the people who loved Him.
She thought she had prepared herself, but still the sight of Ben sitting on his deck when she returned to the cabin and the way his head reared up when he heard the car tore at her heart.
He looked ten years older, and guilt and trepidation ravaged his handsome features.
“Frankie,” he said. “I’m so sorry. I did my best to be there. I wanted to be there.”
“That’s fine,” Frankie replied, hearing her voice return to the distancing briskness she had used with people since her divorce. “I talked to Colin and he said he would think about it. I guess we can’t ask for more than that.” She paused and her question was softened by genuine concern. “Is your dad okay?”
“Yes, he’s fine.”
“Well, okay then. That’s good.” She turned to go into her cabin.
“Frankie, please, we need to talk about this.” The plea in Ben’s voice halted her footsteps. “Please come and sit down,” he said. “I want to at least explain to you what happened.”
She turned back very slowly. She owed him at least that much, an inner voice prompted. All right, she would listen. But she wouldn’t get drawn into his weary eyes as he spoke.
They both sat stiffly in the chairs. Ben studied his hands, while Frankie gazed off at some unknown distant point.
“I dropped Dad off at the care center,” he began. “And it all went very smoothly. I should have known then it was too good to be true.”
He looked at Frankie, and she willed herself to be strong and to listen as objectively as possible.
“I was on my way to Irma’s,” he continued, “when they called and said that Dad had escaped and they didn’t know where he was.”
Despite her best efforts, a gasp escaped Frankie.
Ben nodded, understanding perfectly her reaction.
“Yeah, as you can imagine, I was pretty much out of my mind with worry. I ran around town looking for him and I finally found him walking on the beach.”
“Oh, Ben...”
His mouth collapsed briefly before he steadied it into a fierce, straight line. He looked her in the eyes then, and Frankie could see the will it took to do that.
“There’s something else,” he said.
“What?”
“Before this happened... Frankie, I was going to tell you that I’ve grown to care for you. I do care for you. I had let myself begin to hope that we could continue to get to know one another after summer ended. But I know now it’s not meant to be. I won’t be able to be the kind of man I know you need because my time and attention will always be torn. I—I also plan on ending our time here early, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that without at least saying goodbye.”
Words teetered on Frankie’s tongue, words that wanted to tell him she, too, had developed feelings and had wanted to continue to develop their relationship, but after what Ben had just said, what was the point?
So, all she asked was, “Is it okay if I bring Rae over to say goodbye to Al before you leave? I know she would appreciate being able to do that.”
“Yes, please do.”
They sat then in silence, as there didn’t seem to be anything else to be said. The birds continued their unmindful, happy chatter around them while Frankie’s heart tried to resurrect its walls.
Chapter Twenty-Two
In some ways, Ben thought, it was a relief to have the decision made. They would return to Saskatoon. He would get his father admitted into the best care home possible and he would settle into the life he was meant to live, filled with hard work and dedication to his father’s well-being.
Seconds later a collage of memories of Frankie—feisty, smiling, determined, soft—told him that he was only fooling himself.
Please, Lord, if there’s any way, any way at all, that You can give me a different answer and allow Frankie to be part of my life, please show me.
But if God was answering, He was doing it so quietly that Ben couldn’t hear Him.
His father had been docile since his spontaneous excursion, almost as if he sensed that he’d caused great upheaval. He was preoccupied by a picture that Rae had made for him, poking at it and mumbling under his breath. He was quiet enough, at least, so that Ben could continue to prepare the cabin for departure. But it was his own thoughts that kept stalling his hands above half-folded shirts and half-emptied cupboards. Was he giving up too easily? Could they figure out a way? But each time he tried to consider options, he could recall only the feelings of panic and defeat as he frantically searched for his father, all the while knowing in the back of his mind that he had let Frankie down.
“Tree,” Al said, and jabbed at the picture. “Tree...this one!” His voice rose.
“Yes, Dad, that’s a nice tree,” Ben responded automatically and started to pair up socks.
Al mumbled and stuck o
ut his bottom lip.
Ben’s cell phone rang and briefly—inexplicably, because there’d be no reason for her to call—he hoped that it was Frankie.
He answered, “Hello, Irma.”
“Ben? Where were you today? We were concerned. Is everything all right?”
He battled down a sigh. “There was a mishap with Dad, but thankfully it had a happy ending. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it today. I appreciate you checking in.”
“I didn’t just phone for that,” Irma said. “I don’t have Frankie’s number, but there’s something I hoped you could pass on to her.”
“What’s that?” Ben felt slightly wary.
“Well, first off I’d better just get it right out in the open that Colin wouldn’t let Danny stay.”
Another blow, but Ben was feeling unfortunately resigned to them by now.
“There is also some good news,” Irma continued. “Frankie spoke about a volunteer program they have where she works, one where they pair up youths and seniors?”
“Yes, she talked about that with me, too,” Ben said.
“Well, Colin actually thought it sounded like an idea with a lot of potential, and he’s going to speak with some of his contacts in the health sector. He may even consider letting Danny get involved in something like that to meet his community hours.”
So, there were still some small blessings but his thank You, Lord felt like it stuck a little in his throat.
After Ben had concluded the phone call with Irma, he looked out the window and then opened the front door, hoping he would see Frankie on her deck. But their cabin looked tightly closed up, with no signs of life and, despite hearing some encouraging news from Irma, sadness again threatened to overtake him.
God, he prayed. I know I’ve let a lot of people down in my life and it feels right now like that’s what I’m destined to do. I left Dad to deal with Mom’s cancer and I didn’t even make it home to say goodbye. Now, I’ve fallen in love with a wonderful woman and already I’ve disappointed her. I know I have, even if she says she understands the reasons. Your word talks about forgiveness, Lord. But how can I ever know that my father has forgiven me? And how can I ever forgive myself?
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