by DRAYER, GINA
He didn't think she noticed her slip. It was the first time she'd even mentioned seeing him after the cruise. Did that mean she wanted to explore this relationship beyond just sex? Wasn't that what he wanted?
When the movie finally ended and they started picking up their mess, Matt still couldn't shake a growing uneasiness.
Unaware of his current state of mind, Beth was still going over the movie's many flaws. "Can we take a moment to talk about their jobs? Does no one in a romantic comedy have a real job? Where's the office manager and the UPS guy's romance? I mean, she's a blogger—like that would pay enough to keep her in that uptown apartment—and he's the editor of the men's style section. Are those even real jobs?"
"If you would have asked me a few days ago, I would have told you hydrology was a made up field of study."
She looked up at him with a smile that might have been teasing, might have been a smirk and gave his shoulder a nudge. "As if creative officer for a marketing firm is any better."
"That's CHIEF creative officer mind you." He nudged back and laughed. And then for some insane reason, he said, "I think two people can have an instant connection. I knew on the plane that you were special."
She looked up and met his gaze. Her dark hair was slightly wind-blown, and her eyes were filled with questions. "I guess it was kismet then." Her voice was little more than a whisper.
Destiny? Fate? He never subscribed to such things, but there was something about her that drew him. Whatever you wanted to call it, Matt couldn't imagine being here without her. He was starting to have a hard to imagining his life back home without her, and that scared the crap out of him.
The air was thick with tension, and Matt wanted to steer the night's conversation back to a lighter subject. "Kismet? For a scientist, that's a pretty unscientific theory," he teased, trying for playful.
"What? Scientists can't believe in the mystical working of the universe?" Her smile became mischievous, causing her eyes to crinkle at the corners, and she leaned in close. "Didn't you invoke a higher power last night when I had my mouth wrapped around—"
He pulled her into his arms and kissed her. This wasn't like their other kisses. The desperate ones that lead to them tearing at each other clothes. No, this was a sweet kiss that expressed all the emotions Matt wasn't ready to face yet. It was an unspoken promise. The promise of tomorrow and more, but he wasn't ready break open that can of worms. Not yet. He pulled back and saw the slightly dazed expression on Beth's face. Did she feel it too? It was too much to ask for and he knew it. Beth had made it more than clear she didn't want more. And so had he.
Fuck. From the moment he sat down next to her on the plane, his life had turned into a God damn chick flick.
The kiss ended, and he stood there holding her in his arms. He wanted her. He wanted her so fucking bad he couldn't think straight. But not just physically. He wanted to spend time with her off this stupid cruise ship.
But before he could broach the subject, the wall was back. And this time, it felt as if she'd physically pushed him away.
"I know this is where we usually run back to your room, but I need to chat with my sister tonight. Some wedding details to go over."
Maybe she had the right idea. This whole night was a little too real. He was dangerously close to doing something stupid, like ask her to come home with him. It was time to break and regroup.
"Thanks for planning tonight," he said, trying to keep the anger and disappointment out of his voice.
"Thank you. I haven't had this much fun watching a movie in a while," she said, rubbing her bare arms, already looking at the exit. "Give me a call if you want to do something tomorrow."
The night air had cooled considerably, and now that they weren't sharing body heat under one of the deck blankets, she looked cold. He wanted to pull her into his arms and warm her, but he was afraid she'd pull away. So instead, he leaned down and kissed her forehead.
"Good night, Beth."
Matt wanted to call her back and ask her to come with him to his stateroom, to beg her to spend the night. But he didn't think he could handle it if she left again. Maybe some distance and time to think was what they both needed.
Beth made her way back to her cabin disappointed and slightly embarrassed at the way the night ended. Foolishly, she'd thought keeping the dinner casual would help enforce the no strings deal they had, but in reality, her plan had backfired. Their dinner under the stars ended up feeling more like the date she was trying to avoid than two friends meeting for a bite to eat.
Even her attempt to keep the mood light by lampooning the movie had failed miserably. Every stupid cliché she'd pointed out in the movie seemed to parallel their relationship. It was ridiculous. All that was left was for Beth to profess her undying love and for them to elope in Spain. Then they'd have the complete sappy Hollywood story.
But that wasn't going to happen. Sure, she was the one that left, but she was trying to protect them both. Her greatest fear was that, after spending time with her outside the bedroom, Matt would judge her and find her wanting. She wasn't interested in the grand romance. And coming back to her room alone was the right choice. At least she hoped it was.
Beth collapsed on her bed, feeling foolish and a little out of her depth. This fling was supposed to be fun. No strings. No obligations. Something that would help her forget about the fact that her personal life was at a dead end. But things with Matt had never felt casual, not from the start.
She didn't want the hassle of a relationship. That was the reason she hadn't dated in… Well, not since Robert broke up with her. But even with Robert, she wouldn't have called what they'd shared a whirlwind romance. It was more a relationship of convenience.
They had made the perfect couple on paper. Everyone thought so. The young doctor and the humanitarian. And while he was still a resident, they'd made it work. They both went about their lives, occasionally coming together when it was convenient for both of them.
But if she was being honest with herself, Beth wasn't really in love with him. Not the type of love they wrote songs about or made movies about. Not the type of love she was pretty sure she could have with Matt.
And that's what made the date a huge mistake. Things coasted out of the casual zone and straight to complicated.
Maybe if she re-established the boundaries, and ensured they both still wanted the same thing, things would go back to the way they'd been. And even if Matt wanted more, she might agree, but she wasn't ready to make that commitment yet. They were in a bubble, away from real life and responsibilities. The whole idea of "after" the cruise seemed like an abstract idea. She just wanted right now. They could deal with "after" later.
Tomorrow they'd talk. She'd let him know that the heartfelt kiss they'd shared tonight didn't change anything, even though deep down she knew it changed everything.
But their talk was a long time coming. The next day, Matt was a no show for their morning workout.
She waited for him. When ten a.m. rolled around, Beth resigned herself to the fact that he wasn't coming. Unable to face the gym without him, she ran the track that wrapped around the outside of the ship. It was deserted, and as she started her solitary run with the expanse of the ocean stretched out in all directions, Beth felt completely alone.
Later that day, she saw him once in passing. He'd been leaving when she was coming. He was quick with excuses about work and family, but that's what they were, excuses. She could see it in his eyes.
It wasn't his absence that was getting to her, it was the total lack of communication. It was as though they were casual strangers who'd just met instead of lovers.
After waiting pathetically in her room for the entire day, hoping he'd call, Beth decided she was done pining and she was ready for some fun. That's what she was supposed to be doing on this trip. Not up for the eighties theme dance party at the club, the one Matt was supposed to attend with her, Beth put on a sexy black dress and went to the lounge to listen to the jazz ensemble.
Unfortunately, that had just added to her melancholy. The sultry voice of the singer crooned songs of heartache and love lost. Sitting in the back, by herself, nursing a drink, Beth felt every word down to her soul.
Palo appeared at her table as soon as she'd emptied her glass. Dressed casually and obviously off the clock, he was carrying two drinks and sat down across from her.
"Honey, you look downright miserable over here all by yourself. Mind if I stay for a drink? I couldn't let you drown your sorrows alone." He leaned in, bringing their conversation to a more intimate level. "What did he do?"
"What makes you think I'm upset about a guy?"
"Trust me, darling, I've had that same expression on my face many times. Only a man can make you look that way. So, what did he do?"
Palo was insistent, that was for sure. When she didn't answer right away, he went into a story about his ex picking up some tourist while they were working the same cruise ship. Being confined to a ship with no reprieve for a month with philandering ex made her own troubles seem minor.
Before long, Beth found herself telling him all about her whirlwind romance with Matt. Then she went right into the disaster of a relationship she'd had with Robert.
"What is it about me that makes all my relationships fail so miserably?" She downed her third drink and waved to the bartender to another. "I can't seem to get it right. I couldn't keep things going with Robert, who at one time I thought might be the guy I'd settle down with. And now, I can't even do the casual thing. This fun vacation fling isn't so fun anymore. I don't want to make the same mistake I made with Robert."
She and Robert had a hot affair after one of her mother's parties, and then they fell into a comfortable rhythm. When they were together, they were comfortable just being with each other. When she traveled, they both went on with their day to day lives. Turns out, he wanted more and didn't see her filling that role.
"I'm not the relationship type. It would be so easy to hate Robert, but I think he picked the right sister to marry. He and Sophia are perfect together." There. She'd said it. Their relationship might have been a farce, but Robert was a good guy. He'd make a good husband, and Sophia deserved to be happy. Matt deserved to be happy, too. "I might think she's a bitch, but Matt should be with someone like Kitty. She wants to play Suzy homemaker and host dinner parties. They could move to the suburbs, have babies, and live a mediocre married life. Isn't that the American dream?"
So what if he did, it wasn't like she was in love with him. He was just a fling. She didn't really care.
And like an evil spirit you could summon by speaking its name, Kitty walked in with Bridget in tow. "Oh, look," she said, approaching the table. "I guess you finished your work. Too bad you couldn't make dinner, but at least you have time to hang out with your friend."
"Kitty. Bridget" Beth did not feel like dealing with this shit. This was Matt's fault, and she wasn't about to explain herself.
Bridget gave Palo a once over, and smiled. "Well, we don't want to bother you. Jason and Matt were going to meet us at the theater. Come on Kitty, Matt wouldn't want you to be late."
"You're right. I'm not that inconsiderate. After he went through all the trouble of getting us a table, I wouldn't want to keep him waiting. See you around, Beth." They turned and walked out, and Beth could almost swear she saw a little bounce in Kitty's step.
Nope. She wouldn't wish that harpy on Matt. And the thought of him having children with Kitty was just repulsive.
"Honey, you're twice the woman she is," Palo said. "Matt would be a fool to fall for her. You have nothing to worry about when it comes to that woman."
"That's what I thought about my sister when I asked her to go out with Robert."
"First off, Robert is an asshole," Palo said with finality. "I don't care if they did fall in love, there's a code. You don't hook-up with your ex's sister. It's just not right. But the fact that you're happy for them speaks volumes about you." He picked up her hand and gave it a kiss. "If life was a game, you'd be the prize. It's a shame you can't see that. So tell me, what is it about this Matt guy that has you tied up in knots? What's going on between you two isn't like what happened with Robert."
"It's not. And I guess that's why I thought I could do this, but look at me!" Beth swung her drink in a large arch and it sloshed down her arm. Crap. Maybe she should have stopped at five drinks. "I'm on this stupid cruise because I couldn't face the fact that my ex is marrying my little sister. I wanted to have a fun vacation affair. Now, I'm sitting in a dark bar, feeling sorry for myself because I've managed to fuck up even that." She smacked her forehead against the table and started to laugh. "I'm going to die alone with twenty cats. And when I die, no one will notice except the cats. And those bastards are going to eat me."
"You're not going to die alone. You're a beautiful woman. If I played for your team, I'd be all over that. If all you want is a hook up, I can help." Palo took the glass out of her hand. "Waiting tables in the bars always gives me the scoop on who's on the prowl. But I don't think that's what you want. I've seen you with this Matt. He is hella sexy. The only reason to kick a man like that out of your bed is so you can have sex with him against the wall."
"We already did that. More than once," she said, giggling. Leaning in close so no one else could here, she whispered, "And in the gym shower. Uhm. I didn't mean to tell you that. I think I had too much to drink tonight."
Palo laughed and helped her out of the chair. "I think you're right. I'm going to help you back to your cabin."
Chapter 14
Modern Girl Tip #11: PDA—So you've tossed your inhibitions out the door. Good for you. That doesn't mean everyone else wants to see it. Have fun, but be aware of your surroundings. The mom on vacation with her three teenage boys might not want to see you groping each other while waiting in line for lunch.
"Rise and shine, sweetie. I have to leave for my shift soon. I ordered some coffee and breakfast. I thought we should talk while you're sober," Palo said, sitting down on the edge of her bed. Beth was surprised he'd stayed. But after her performance last night, he was probably afraid to leave her alone.
Gingerly opening one eye, Beth groaned. "What in the hell did they put in those drinks? I haven't had a hangover like this since my college days."
"It's the fruit juice and, well, liquor. It'll get you every time." He stood up and pulled the covers off the bed. "Get up, sad sack, and breakfast will be here soon. After some coffee and protein you'll feel better. Then you can go find that man and knock some sense into him."
"I don't know. He's not really my guy after all." Beth crawled out of bed, still in the black dress she wore last night. Even that small movement sent the world spinning. She took a minute to steady herself before heading to the bathroom.
"You know, maybe it is better this way," she said from the bathroom while brushing her teeth. "Ending things now would be simpler. Before anyone gets hurt."
"You think you can end this without anyone getting hurt?" he said, not even trying to hide the sarcasm in his voice. "You spent an hour crying on my shoulder last night. I think feelings have already been fully engaged."
Much to her embarrassment, she'd lost it last night. After Palo had helped her back to the cabin, she'd lost it. It wasn't really about Matt. Yes, feeling rejected may have been a precipitating factor, the final failure that brought everything into focus.
Even piss drunk, Beth came to the crushing realization that there was a huge hole in her life. The only thing she had going for her was her work. Being with Matt just made her acknowledge the fact that work alone just wasn't enough anymore.
Unfortunately, Beth didn't have a clue as to how to change. She had no real relationship experience. The thing with Robert had just been convenient; she realized that now. She didn't know how to be part of a couple. She couldn't even hold down a fake relationship for longer than a week, for fuck's sake.
Beth poked her head out of the bathroom door and plastered on a fake smil
e. "You know, that was just the alcohol talking last night," she tried to argue. "I get weepy when I drink too much."
"That wasn't weepy. You don't cry like that over a man you're not into. What you need to do is find him and fix it or let it go. This half in thing isn't working for you."
Palo was right. She may have screwed things up with Matt, but at least she could talk with him. Let him know that they couldn't go on like this.
"I'm going to that cooking class you recommended this morning, and after that I promise to talk to him. Right now, I'm going to jump in the shower."
The fact that Matt hadn't stopped by again this morning just reinforced the fact that their fling was over. It had only been a week, and his rejection shouldn't have hurt, but it did. She'd say her goodbyes and spend the rest of week avoiding him.
After breakfast, Palo escorted her to the cooking class, still valiantly trying to cheer her up. He'd circled back to the topic of Matt, trying to encourage her to give it another shot, when the doors opened and there the man stood with Bridget and Kitty in tow.
"Oh, it's you," Bridget said, her expression pinched. "I see you're with your friend. See. It's the guy I told you about this morning, Matt. What was it, Paul? Irregardless. You two seemed awfully cozy last night."
"Palo, right?" Matt asked. "You're the waiter from the club?"
Palo leaned over and whispered, loud enough for everyone in the elevator to hear, "I can see why you've been so busy. He's even tastier up close. I wouldn't leave my cabin either with a guy like that in my bed." And then a little lower, just for her. "As a matter of fact, I'd tie that man to the bed to make sure he didn't get away. My God, just look at that ass. Take my advice and make up."
Ignoring Palo's comments, Beth nodded and said, "Morning, Matt." Then, because she was still hurt, she added, "I missed you at the gym these last two days."
To his credit, he looked sufficiently abashed. "There was a minor crisis at work. I haven't had much time to do anything. I should have called to let you know I couldn't join you." He looked from Palo to Beth and back again. "I appreciate you keeping Beth company while I've been busy. You're more than welcome to tag along, but I'm sure you have other things to do." Matt held Palo's gaze for an uncomfortable length of time. The hint of a threat in his voice was clear.