by Tif Marcelo
Her heart squeezed, but for what, she couldn’t put a finger on. For a nuclear family she had lost long ago? The chance at her own version of a family? Was it silly to yearn for something she knew, after almost four decades of life, might not be for her? Her granny hadn’t married out of choice, nor did her mother remarry after her father passed. Diana knew in her bones that there were no promises in life, no guarantees, and no set plans for anyone.
“Get a room already, right?” a man grumbled to her right, a barstool between them.
She spied his profile just as her wine and a menu were placed in front of her. He was unshaven, though his dark hair was close-cropped. He lifted the beer to his lips for a protracted pull, and when he placed the bottle down and pursed his lips, his cheeks caved into dimples.
Diana sipped her drink, relished its pop of flavor, and the bit of attention she’d just received. She hadn’t been with a man for at least six months; she was probably a little lonely. But she was on vacation, right? She could be whomever she wanted. “Oh, I don’t know. I think they’re really sweet.”
“Pfft.” His head jerked to accentuate the point. “Until one of them finds out that the other was sleeping with their best friend. Yeah, right.” His eyes darted toward her. “Theoretically, of course.”
“Ah.” She now recognized that slouch he was sporting as well as the cynicism in his voice. She grinned at him, not out of pity but out of understanding. “Or, maybe, one of them sleeps with another doctor during their nights on call. In the call room. Over the course of a year. Theoretically.” Goodness, she hadn’t even had half her drink and she was spilling her business. The jet lag must’ve have been worse than she thought.
He turned to her then, solidarity in his eyes. He was lean, with broad shoulders and a square jaw, which he clenched before he said, “And the one leaves the other to take care of her children while they explore this midlife crisis.”
“And they call back after a while and say, ‘I actually think it’s you I want and not that other woman.’ ”
“And the other says, ‘I would rather live alone than live a lie.’ ” His voice was redemptive, eyes flashing.
“And then they find themselves having a drink all by themselves because …”
“Because they can and why not?” He raised his beer to her.
Why not? she mused, and raised her glass in response.
They both sipped, then set their glasses down on the bar simultaneously. He glanced askance at her. “You’re a visitor. From the States?”
“Yes, and you?”
“Spent many years in the States, but this is home now. What brings you to Manila?”
“Just a vacation.” She left it at that. There wasn’t the need to say any more, though her instinct was telling her otherwise. “Are you here for the wedding?”
“You could say that.”
So he was being private, too, which was fine enough. “I’m …” she faltered. “Ana.”
“Nice to meet you, Ana. I’m Crew.” He offered his hand, which she took, noting his firm handshake. “May I?” He gestured to the open barstool next to her.
“Please.” She nodded, and he slid next to her and sat face out, while she faced the bar. This close, she could smell the slight scent of his cologne, of pine and citrus. From his white shirt, rolled up to his elbows, peeked a tattoo, its green hues muted against his dark brown skin.
“So why aren’t you with the rest of the party?” She glanced up as a group began to take shots.
“I’m a little distracted thinking of work.”
“Hence the look.”
An eyebrow shot up. “The look?”
“The frown. Like you’ve just been lowballed in a deal.”
He grinned this beautiful crooked grin, and Diana had to check herself and glance at the drink in front of her. No, she hadn’t downed the whole thing, but her body was heating up like she had.
“You hit it right on the head,” he said, bringing her back to earth. “In fact, maybe you can help me with this dilemma.”
She turned toward him then. There was a charge between them, but she met his eyes and kept contact even as she took another sip of her drink. She swallowed the liquid courage. “I’ve got you.”
He smiled. “Let’s say you’ve been placed in charge of a big project. A project very important, not just to you, but to the whole team. And something unexpected happens.” He accentuated his words with his hands.
“Unexpected like …”
“An external force appears, out of the blue.”
“Is the force people or a thing?” This was reminding her of grand rounds as a med student. It was kind of fun.
“People.”
“Okay …”
“Do you fight that external force, because it’s obviously nefarious? This party wants something undeserved. Or should you agree with what the rest of the … the team, wants to do?”
“And that is …”
“To allow them a piece of the pie. Hell, a free-for-all.”
Diana tried to piece the information together—she was great at puzzles—but her foggy brain failed her. “Crew, it might be that my wine has gone to my head, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
He laughed. “All right all right. Fine. I suppose since we don’t know each other and I’ll never see you again, I could probably be more specific—”
“This is the kind of suspense that would make me not put a book down, you know?” She grinned against her glass.
He laughed, looking down at his beer for a beat. His gaze softened. “You have a beautiful smile, Ana.”
“Oh no,” she said, still in the mood to joke, though her cheeks heated at the compliment. “You didn’t just go there.”
He winced. “Too much?”
“No. I mean, yes, that was cheesy as hell, but thank you.”
“How long will you be in Manila?”
“So we can talk more about your work?”
“Maybe? Or I can give you some tips on places to visit.” He leaned in closer, and Diana spotted a tiny mole just above the Cupid’s bow of his lips. “Because let me guess. You’re probably going to visit a couple of historic places and then jet on to an all-inclusive resort with an unencumbered view of the water and mountains to watch the sunset. And I’m here to tell you that while that’s all wonderful, there’s way more to see.”
She dragged her eyes away from his oh-so-sincere face. This was minor flirtation, but she was so out of practice, already out of her league. “Well, the offer sounds tempting, but—”
“Let me guess. Despite the theoreticals, there’s someone else.”
“You’re … you’re not wrong,” she said, half laughing. “But it’s not what you think. First, I am actually really good at putting a travel plan together. I have spreadsheets. And second: it’s complicated.”
“The c word. Well how about this, Ana?” He waved the bartender over. “Let’s keep it as simple as possible, then. How about we have something to eat and drink, and you can talk to me about your spreadsheets, and I can give you my thoughts on your list.”
“Hm.” She hesitated. She was in another country, out of her comfort zone. And yet, here she was in another country, making a new acquaintance with this hot guy, and she had no other responsibilities that would need her attention till tomorrow. No patient, no boss, no Carlo, and no family drama. “Oh, sure, why not.”
New Guinea
August 28, 1944
My dearest Leora,
My love, is it true? Is this really true?
I’ve just received your letter. My hands are shaking, and I can’t stop smiling.
Are you sure?
I’m sorry, of course you’re sure. Did you tell your father? Was he upset? What’s going to happen now? Are you okay? And when … when will our baby be born?
I will write my father immediately, so he can give you my pay. I’m not sure what you will need, but you can use it for whatever you need and want.
>
Oh, Leora. I’m going to be a father! You’re going to be a mother! You have just made me the happiest man in this small country.
You mentioned feeling ill—is that normal? I wish I was there to help you with everything. I want to see you grow, see our baby grow. Damn all these people here, because the only person I should be watching over is you, my dearest Leora.
We must hang on to faith. Take heart that I will see you again, soon. I will see our baby. You have my word. And my word is my soul.
The two of us, Leora. Now the three of us. Can you imagine it?
We are on the move again, sweetheart. But even if time passes, and you might go without hearing from me, I’m with you.
Iniibig kita,
Antonio
Chapter Fifteen
Margo padded down the hallway of the twenty-fourth floor of the Las Cruces Hotel, gripping the hotel key in her hand. She yearned for her daughter, for the hotel room, for sleep. She had been traveling for what felt like a week, the thought of Cameron and his kiss the only things to make her smile through the chaos of changing her travel. Margo was only too grateful that the hotel attendant downstairs gave her no problems when she gave her and Diana’s name. It was as if they had been expecting her.
Finally, room 2440. She took a deep breath. Diana was sure to be surprised. Margo didn’t get a chance to text or email once she got on the plane, and while in the hired car to the hotel, her phone calls went to Diana’s voice mail.
Margo knocked.
Then she knocked a little louder.
From inside the room, Margo heard a thump. With an intake of breath, she listened for it again.
Thump.
She blinked away the sleep in her eyes, gathered her wits. The sound did come from inside, from Diana’s room, right?
Next was a muffle, and another large thump, and Margo let go of her suitcase handle. It was coming from the inside, where her daughter was alone, or supposed to be. All the scenarios played out in her head, and she transformed from noncombative to mama bear. And even without a weapon in her hand, she didn’t hesitate as she reached to swipe the door key. Her old eyes squinted against the bright room lights then landed on Diana.
In bed.
With a man.
There was a stray arm here. A bare back there. And clothes, oh goodness. Clothes on the floor, sheets everywhere.
“Oh my God!” Margo heard herself gasp.
“Oh my God,” Diana yelled. “Mom? Crap! Mom?”
Margo slapped her hand over her eyes and padded backward, into the hallway, until she felt her back up against the wall.
Her daughter was in bed with a man. Could they have just been sleeping?
She rolled her eyes at her own naivete. No, dummy, she wasn’t.
But this was her Diana. Her Diana, who was probably mortified and embarrassed, probably more than Margo was at the moment.
Hand still over her eyes, Margo heard Diana and this man share a few words, and then she detected the shuffle of footsteps. She caught a whiff of cologne that surely wasn’t her daughter’s fragrance.
Her face lit on fire.
“Mom?” Diana said now.
Margo lowered her hand tentatively and opened her eyes. Diana was at the doorway, wearing pajamas, her hair piled neatly on top of her head. She stepped aside, a gesture for Margo to enter. As Margo passed, Diana said, “I can’t … I can’t believe you’re here.”
“I know. Me either.” She spun around at the entryway; all her thoughts were at the tip of her tongue, and they leaped without encouragement. “I just couldn’t let you do this on your own. I was scared. Am scared. But whatever happens here, we’re a team, you know?
Diana’s face broke out into a smile, the kind that made it all the way up to her eyes. She slinked an arm around Margo’s. “I’m sorry I was a little hard on you.”
“It’s okay. I needed to hear it.” She sniffed, tears brimming. This was the most emotion she’d seen from Diana in a long, long time, and she relished their close proximity, this moment. “I was wrong not to come in the first place.”
“I just wished … you hadn’t seen that.”
“Diana.” She looked at her daughter in the eyes. “You won’t get a lecture from me.”
Diana started, as if she were a volcano about to explode, then paused. “I won’t?”
“Am I scarred for life? Yes. But will I judge you? No. You’re a grown woman. I trust you to make your own decisions.”
Diana crossed the room and sat on the bed, and Margo followed her in. “I don’t normally do that, Ma. But it felt … and he was … I mean, it’s been a while since …”
Margo finished Diana’s sentences for her. Margo understood, and well. “You felt comfortable and safe with him. A connection, right?”
She nodded. “Like he could read my mind. It’s not serious, of course, but tonight, he just made me laugh. Even when you walked in and after, there wasn’t any weirdness at all. Is this TMI?”
Margo swallowed. “Look, I’ve always said that you and I would be honest with each other, that you could tell me everything, and I meant it.” Though, without admitting it, the idea of her daughter telling her everything sent a flush through her. Just when she thought that she couldn’t possibly learn more about motherhood, something like this happened.
“Well, nothing’s going to come of it. When we said goodbye, we made no plans to see each other again.”
“Okay, but if something else comes up, we’re going to have to figure out a plan. Deal? I wouldn’t want to barge in on your privacy again.”
“You don’t have to tell me twice. I think I’m as traumatized as you are.”
part four Dusk
Dusk is the time when men whisper of matters about which they remain silent in the full light of the sun.
—Simon Raven
New Guinea
September 5, 1944
My dearest Leora,
Yesterday, my sergeant gave me a telegram from Sister Agnes from St. Anne’s Church. It only had two sentences. Fourteen words that have changed my life.
My father is dead. His heart was weak—I knew that before leaving. And he died in his sleep and was discovered after he didn’t show up to work at the restaurant.
My grief is overwhelming, as thick as the brush here, as confusing as the dialect the people speak. All this time, I worried for his safety from other people. From the corrupt who wanted to take advantage of him. I did not think that he would die of natural causes.
I wrote to Onofre separately so that he can check on where my father was buried. I know I cannot risk you and our baby, but can you try to find him, too? Tend to his plot? Though he did not approve of us, he knew you are a good person. He knew that I love you.
I am depleted. My legs are heavy, my eyelids weighed down with stones. I am so sad, and I am mad at myself. Could I have stayed? Should I have? First with my father, and of course with you and our baby. Now that he is gone, I feel like I’ve lost the connection to my home. I am fighting aimlessly in this limbo, in between two countries, in between two parts that make up me.
Iniibig kita,
Antonio
Chapter Sixteen
A sliver of light peeked through the blackout curtains, slicing Diana’s dark hotel room in half. It extended all the way across to the bathroom now—Diana had been watching it for the past forty-five minutes. She barely slept.
How could she have slept after her botched escapade with Crew? She’d almost made a monumental mistake with that man. Not that he was horrible or gross or overreaching, but because casual sex wasn’t for her. Because of this very reason, her penchant to overthink.
Thank God her mother had intervened.
She slapped her hand over her mouth and let out a little scream.
Oh. My. God.
She turned her head to the right, to the second king bed in the room. To the woman lying with her arm slung across her face. Her mother was here. Her mother had seen. Her mother—the Goo
dy Two-shoes of her friends, a woman who rarely cussed, the woman who thought Dirty Dancing was too dirty to watch at the age of fifty.
Her alarm rang. She patted her mattress and found her phone, then scanned her most recent notifications: a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon (always a joy to receive), her dinner subscription box asking if she’d consider coming back (what part of no, thank you could they not understand?), and a text from Carlo, which she promptly ignored.
Her body relaxed as she came to Sam’s text.
How are things?
If you can say that I almost had sex with a guy I met at a bar and my mother walked in on us before it happened as good, then it’s good.
Diana.
Do you need a phone-a-friend?
Maybe. What are you doing? How’s my house?
Nothing important. And everything’s fine. The housemate’s over watching a movie.
OH REALLY. LILIANA?
It’s nothing. Don’t change the subject.
I’m so proud of you right now!
?
You got out of your head! I was against this trip but I change my mind.
You are the worst.
Will there be a second attempt?
No!
Just because Margo saw? She’s grown! Don’t worry about that.
OMG. I just realized. Margo is there?
Diana bit her lip, took a breath.
Margo is here.
I’m not here for pleasure. I’m here for business.
I mean, doing both might not be so bad.
We’ll see. Today is the DNA test.
Egads, GL! Keep me posted okay? And see that guy.