by Tif Marcelo
“If you accept,” Cameron said, “then that means you’d have to live here.”
“Yes, it does,” answered Flora. “She would make Manila home.”
“No more Old Town,” Roberta supplied.
Margo opened the envelope. The room was silent as she read the document. As she took in each word, she felt her stomach give way, much like how it felt when an image came through as she made a print in the darkroom.
The letter made this all a little clearer.
“Ma, you’re not objecting. Are you considering this? It’d mean we’ll be living in different countries,” Diana asked, face stricken.
Did she want to stay? The answer was yes, but not for this. It wasn’t to take over a business she had no idea how to run. But a niggle of a call tingled in her periphery, like a whistle that beckoned her to turn. “But if I don’t accept, what will that mean for you? What would you do? Refuse it, too? We are part of this family.”
“As of a week ago! Our lives are in the United States, Ma. That is our home.”
Joshua’s eyes darted from Margo to Diana and back, as if letting the words settle in. Then he shook his head, and laughed. Arms out, he pleaded, “They’re Americans, Lola. Please tell me that this is just red tape. You heard Diana. This isn’t their home. She doesn’t want to stay.”
Diana stumbled in the beginnings of her response, eyes widening. “It sounds like it’s you who doesn’t want me to stay. So what was that last night, or at lunch, or in the car?”
Margo reached for her daughter’s hand, held on tight. She wanted to jump into the exchange, to settle this fight. She didn’t want to see Diana this way: troubled and hurt. But she herself did not know the right answer.
“Diana, you just said that your life was in the United States. Why am I the bad guy now?”
Diana snatched her hand from Margo and stood. “You’re right. I … excuse me.” Her eyes glassed over with tears. Then she walked out of the room.
Tears.
“Will you look at that,” Roberta said.
Flora’s mouth dropped open. “Ay, nako.”
“Oh my goodness,” Margo echoed.
Her Diana.
Her sweet child finally let go.
* * *
Margo couldn’t let her daughter run, not now, so she speed-walked through the house, with every intention of chasing her down, but when she threw the front door open, she found Diana just over the threshold.
“I’m … I’m just so frustrated,” Diana said, piercing her with a pointed look. “I can’t believe you’re considering this. Your life, your real life is back in the States. That man didn’t come back for you, Ma.”
“It’s called forgiveness, Diana.”
“No, it’s about taking responsibility. He should have taken responsibility. Which is what you should be doing now. But as usual, you’re shirking it.”
“What are you saying?” She was taken aback.
“Oh, come on. You followed your passions, and you still do. Except for the time you took care of Granny, you do whatever you please.”
“And that’s supposed to be a bad thing?” Margo shook her head, confused. She didn’t understand where this anger was coming from. She thought Diana was upset because of Joshua, not because of her. “I have followed and still do follow my passions, but I did so with my mother’s support. And I’ve done the same for you, in all of your endeavors, haven’t I? Wouldn’t I be taking responsibility by staying here?”
“No, you wouldn’t. It’s about you thinking of you first, and then of everyone. And not thinking about me.”
Margo took a step forward and lowered her voice. “Is that what you think? That I don’t think of you? It’s you I think of first, each and every day. You are who I’m thinking about now. But deciding to stay would be me taking responsibility for my life by figuring out who I am and following through on what’s needed of me. That’s all I ever wanted: to find my truth so I can be my best, for you. I’m sorry if my intention didn’t come out that way.” The worn-out seams of Margo’s heart were starting to give. She’d known she’d made mistakes in her life. She certainly was not like her mother or her daughter—these intimidating, tough women who people placed on pedestals. She had always been a little bit of a mess. But never once had she doubted her intentions. Had she really only thought of herself? “But, Diana, it’s not just me who has a choice to make. You do, too.
“You say that, but I don’t have a choice. C’mon, I’m even being punished for making a choice, a damn good one, at work. And I can’t just take off. I can’t stop my life for others, nor can I afford to. Others certainly haven’t done it for me.” Diana’s shoulders slumped, and a growl escaped her lips. Then she shut her eyes and spoke. “Everyone leaves me, Ma. First Granny, then Carlo, and then Josh …” Her mouth slammed shut, and she looked away. “And then you. I am alone.”
“You’re not.”
“Yes. Yes, I am. I will be, if you stay here. Ma, I intend to get on that plane in two days, and I’m asking you to please come with me.”
Marysville, CA
October 10, 1944
To Mr. Antonio Cruz,
My name is Irene Lawley. I employ Ms. Leora Gallagher, the young woman whom you know very well. She has been in my service for years now, and I have seen her grow to a hardworking young lady.
I recently found out that she is with child, with your child. She came to me one morning, distraught. Her father had intercepted her letters to you. Since then, he has turned her out. She has nowhere to go. She is staying with me for the time being.
I plan to leave for Washington, DC, very soon to live with my family. I offered her a chance to come with me, but she refuses. She is waiting for your return, you see. Her only desire is to be with you.
I don’t want to leave her here, in Marysville, with no one to care for her. She is vulnerable here, alone. I’m asking you to help me help her. My family has graciously agreed to care for her, to care for your baby because I am fond of Leora, but they will not accept your relationship while under their roof. I am in no position to refuse, as I am also at their mercy. I hope you understand.
I’m asking for you to let her go. I’m asking you to give Leora and your baby a fighting chance for a life that, although it might not have you, can be filled with opportunity.
Sincerely,
Irene Lawley
Chapter Thirty
What was home?
Was it where one was born?
Was it where someone lived the majority of their lives?
Was there a residency time limit?
Was there a minimum stay requirement?
Diana pumped her arms, grunting effort into the last leg of her run, as she mulled over these questions and her future, possibly without her mother. She was on the baywalk, adjacent to Roxas Boulevard on the way back to Las Cruces. The city had just begun to wake, the road starting to fill with pedestrians and commuter traffic.
Yet, despite her five miles, she hadn’t been able to tamp down her uncertainty and anxiety. That soon, she would be returning to an empty town house, to a job that she would likely be fired from. That the truth she’d sought might separate her and her mother, and the man she cared for.
After her outburst last night, she’d refused to go back into that living room to those people, unable to face their judgment. Shortly afterward, they had all gone their separate ways. Flora offered her home for the night and to Diana’s surprise her mother took it—was it a foreshadowing?—which left Diana to return to Las Cruces on her own.
Diana reached the end of her run, slowed, and linked her fingers behind her head. Manila Bay was on her right, and across the street, to her left was towering Las Cruces. The family hotel. Home to Colette and Philip and Joshua. Home, potentially, to her mother. All at once, pain sliced through her, and she coughed, bent over, hands on her knees, because this was a no-win situation, not for her.
The phone rang through her wireless earbuds. She twisted her arm
to view the phone strapped around it. Sam’s face appeared on the screen, so Diana answered it. “Hey.”
“You don’t sound happy to hear from me.”
“I just finished up a run. I guess I’m a little exhausted.” She swiped away sweat that had begun to trickle down her face.
“Um, I’m your running partner, Diana. You are extra happy after a run. It’s called endorphins. What’s up? You texted me back one-word answers last night.”
So, after a deep breath, Diana caught her up. She gave up walking in circles and plopped down on a cement bench to look out over the bay. The sky had a haze today, a thin gray over blue.
“I’m so sorry, D. I am,” Sam said after Diana finished. “It sounds like you have a lot of decisions to make.”
“It’s not me who needs to make a decision. It’s my mother.”
“You have to make a decision about work, right? If you’re going to fight for it?”
“What do you mean if I fight? Of course I will. It’s my job.”
“That you have fallen out of love with.” Sam lowered her voice. “I mean, you can always come and work for me. I’m just saying.”
“You wouldn’t want me to work for you. I’d boss you around.”
“You might be right.” She paused. “And I shouldn’t speak too soon, since you might really not want to quit your job. I’ve got some news.”
A sense of dread came down upon her. “Oh, God.”
“You’ll get a phone call soon, but while they were inspecting your house in prep for your deck, your contractor found some issues with your house’s foundation.”
Diana’s eyes shut in dread. “The foundation.”
“It’s stuff I don’t understand except that they completely stopped work. And while he didn’t say what needed to be done and how much it would cost, I have a feeling that it’s going to be a lot.”
“Damn it.”
“I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I wanted you to be prepared before you got on the plane tomorrow.”
She heaved a breath. “Thank you.”
“Okay, now I have a tougher thing to discuss with you.”
“Shit. Out with it.”
“What are you going to do about Joshua?”
Diana slumped into herself. “Nothing? I don’t know. What can I do?”
“You can tell him how you feel.”
“He knows how I feel.”
“But does he? Or did you assume? I hear emotion in your voice, Diana. Real emotion. You like him, so tell him. Don’t come back here until you do.” A car horn sounded in the background. “I’m headed onto the beltway and it’s a mess. I have to run, but text me your flight info later.”
“Okay. Love you.”
After hanging up, Diana checked her notifications. No texts or calls from Joshua, but one from Carlo, who’d sent a photo of Flossy snuggled into his blanket, with her shiny nose sticking out.
I think I should create an Instagram for Flossy. Do I have your permission?
Diana balked. Pets had actual accounts? Her curiosity was piqued, or perhaps it was another method of distraction, but Diana clicked on her Instagram app, something she hadn’t done in weeks.
Her feed loaded, the first a gram from Ms. Margo. It was a mouthwatering picture of beignets. From New Orleans. It was liked by thousands.
Diana clicked onto her mother’s profile, and square tiles of photos loaded onto the screen. She thumbed and swiped from one to another, captivated, lured, and enamored by the emotion in the photographs of the tiny details of Granny’s house, of the things Granny owned. The pride in her mother’s eyes, and in one photo, the devastation after Granny died.
God, Diana was wrong. So wrong. Her mother didn’t shirk responsibility. She was living life as honestly as she could, saw beauty at every turn, and tried to show it in her art.
Diana was just too stubborn to see that she could have learned from it.
* * *
Diana decided not to veer from her plan and went to the Ayala Museum after her run, mostly to pass the time. A formidable corner edifice on Makati Avenue, it blended in among the taller high-rise buildings of downtown.
But as she approached the front door, she heard her name called from behind her.
She turned. “Joshua,” she whispered, heart leaping from her chest, and yet, she kept her voice still. “Hi.”
“Hi.” As he approached, Diana noted his unshaven face and the dark circles under his eyes. He looked like she felt. Just exhausted.
“What are you doing here?”
“I took a chance that you wouldn’t veer from your schedule. Do you have time … or would you consider taking a walk with me?”
“Um, sure.” She took his side as they walked down the street, not intimate by any means, but Diana was relieved to have the distraction of the noise and the traffic.
“I’m sorry, Diana. My actions last night were disrespectful, and exactly the opposite of what Lolo Tony would have wanted. Look, here in Manila, at Las Cruces and Sunset Corner, I know who I am. Even if I’m not related to the Cruz family by blood, they are my family and there are no pretenses with them. I don’t know who I am without Las Cruces. My anger stemmed from this fear, and I put you in the middle of it. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
But that was the thing. Here, in the Philippines, Diana was starting to feel. The more she learned about even just the little things, the more out of step she felt. She stopped and moved aside, and he followed suit. “I believe you. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but I am hurt. And I’m also scared about the future, and I’m also so happy to see you, here.” She shook her head. “What more can I say? I’m overwhelmed.
“This visit has changed me. You have changed me, too, for the better. But now I don’t know where I fall, with this family, with my mother, with you. I don’t … I don’t know what to do with all of this, with all this information, at Corregidor, the letters between my grandparents, the will. Am I supposed to leap for joy? Cry? What of me is Filipino, is American, of my mom or Antonio? Was I supposed to be more than what I am now? I thought I knew who Diana was before coming here, down to what brand of socks she likes, but it all doesn’t seem to make sense now. Who am I supposed to be?”
Was this what her mother wanted her to feel? This pain in her chest? This need to cry once again?
Because it sucked.
Especially out in public, with Joshua. This wasn’t the time, with all of these faces passing by, staring at her, like a scene out of one of her stress dreams. She took a deep breath as she would on a steep incline, and turned away from Joshua’s eyes.
“Diana, look at me, please,” Joshua pleaded, voice soft.
She dared the look despite her glassy eyes, ashamed.
“You are not supposed to be anything.” He shook his head. “Because no one is one thing. No one is the standard. You, me, your mom, Colette, Lolo, and Lola, we are enough. I only wish that we …”
He didn’t even have to complete the sentence, for Diana wished for the same thing. “If only we were enough for each other,” she said.
He nodded.
Because they both knew that their lives took them to opposite sides of the world, and she would, without fail, get on the plane the next morning.
* * *
At Ninoy Aquino International Airport the next morning, Diana waited at the terminal with her bags. She hadn’t spoken to her mother in more than a day, and this would be the moment of truth: Would Margo show up for their return flight? Sitting on an airport bench, she fiddled with the grosgrain ribbon on her luggage.
A pair of shoes halted in front of her—her mother’s cheetah-print ballet flats. She looked up, at her wild zebra capris and hot pink shirt, and it made her smile. She scooted to the left, leaving room on the bench, and her mother sat.
“I don’t see bags,” Diana said, though without malice. She had had a feeling in her bones that her mother would not be boarding this flight.
“I’m staying, sweetheart.
” Her smile was apologetic, but her eyes were bright. “Are you mad?”
Diana shook her head. “No, I’m proud of you. I’m sorry, for giving you that guilt trip and insinuating that you were selfish. You’re not. I’m just … scared, I guess.”
“I’m scared, too. It would be easier to go back to my life, with Roberta and Cameron, wouldn’t it? To continue with Ms. Margo? But I realize that all that time I was taking pictures, I was searching for something. And I believe part of that something is here. My biological connection. I need to see this through. This, I cannot ignore, nor can I pretend it didn’t happen.”
“How about Roberta?”
“Staying, just until the end of the week.”
“Cameron?”
“Also yes, but indefinitely.”
“That is … Wow, Mom. But I approve. He is the nicest man.”
“He is. Diana … thank you, for telling me how you feel, even if we did fight. I—I need to know what you’re thinking. I think we’ll do better apart if we can speak to each other, you know?”
Diana nodded, her sadness giving way to hope. “We’ll talk every day.”
“Yes, we will,” Margo said. “I’ll update you on everything. And everyone.”
“There’s no need, Ma.” Her face tingled with tears of disappointment at her mother’s insinuation. Why did she let herself even think that they were a possibility? How could she have fallen so quickly?
“You might change your mind. I asked Joshua to be my partner. In running the hotel, that is.”
Diana raised her eyebrows. “You did?”
“Yes. I certainly can’t run the place on my own. And what kind of person would I be to take it all from him?”
Diana was awash with relief. Joshua would still have the hotel, if at least in part.
“Don’t forget me,” Colette said, feet away as she waddled toward them. Diana stood, hands out to take hers. “Please promise me you’ll come back. You’re going to be the ninang of this baby, you know.”