by Jules Dixon
“What?” I sat up straight. “Then I can’t teach in the fall. No! I already had a position set up with a school. Please, Dad.”
“I’m sorry, but the university has strict rules when it comes to student teaching, and the elementary school had several applicants still looking for a placement.”
I broke out into another round of blubbering as he held me.
“What am I supposed to do, Dad?”
“You can work at the dealership, if you want to?”
“No, I can’t.”
He’s there and he hasn’t even tried to contact me since that night. I both miss him and can’t imagine seeing him.
“Sure you can. You can join the front desk rotation. Avery and Jillian are always wanting an extra set of ears.”
“Dad, I’ve been clear with you. I’m not going to work there or be the one to take over the dealership. My heart belongs in teaching.”
“Okay, okay … I understand. Are you interested in getting a new vehicle?”
I really wasn’t, but I needed transportation to find a job.
I nodded, glancing down at my phone that lit up with what felt like the hundredth text from a friend, which I would again ignore. They meant well, but my energy level wasn’t up for visits or long texting sessions. Hell, the test drive might take it out of me, too.
I walked to the bathroom to take my first shower in days. The steam filled the room and clouded my vision. But even with the distorted image in the mirror, the person I saw wasn’t me. She was confused with a crushed heart on the inside, and marred on the exterior. Not that I was ever model-like, but I normally liked what I saw in the mirror. Now I saw only a huge scar, a line that mimicked my emotions, ragged and pinched.
Dad was still sitting on the couch when I came out dressed and mostly made-up. Some injuries prevented full makeup, but that was okay with me. No one to impress.
“Dad, you didn’t have to wait for me.”
“If we’re going to get you a new vehicle, you need a ride. Your mother went to a meeting and Spencer has class today.”
“I’m sorry for making you wait.” I dug my fingernails into the skin of my palms. “I’m not going to cry anymore. I’m fine.”
Dad’s long arms wrapped me in his fatherly blanket. “Rory, it’s okay to cry. You just need to know why you’re crying and make sure the reason is worth the tears. I would’ve waited all day for you to be ready. You look beautiful.”
“Thanks, Dad.” I grabbed my phone from the table and my purse. “Let’s go.”
“That’s my girl.”
On the way to the dealership, Dad tapped out a rhythm on the steering wheel to the 80s music coming through the satellite radio. “Rory, you don’t have to work—at the dealership or otherwise. Mom and I can help you out.”
I stared out the passenger window. “I shouldn’t have to rely on you. Even as a grown woman, people think I’m a spoiled brat.”
Jessen Auto Mall had been one of my favorite places when I was a little girl. All the salespeople gave me candy and played games with me. I didn’t realize the special treatment was mostly because my dad owned the place until I was around ten and I overheard two salesmen talking about having to entertain the boss’s “bratty daughter.” After that, I hadn’t gone around there for several years. Even now, I didn’t really like to be at the dealership. I figured many people still thought of me that way.
“You are not a spoiled brat. We all need a little help every once in a while.”
I rolled my eyes. He had to say I wasn’t a brat, ‘cause if I was, he’d helped make me this way. “I’ll see the therapist, but I won’t take your money. I’ll figure something out.”
I stepped out of his vehicle and the frosty air of late January tightened my lungs.
“You doing okay?” Dad asked.
I looked in the truck passenger window as I closed the door. Dad had been too kind at saying I was beautiful. I still had a gray-green bruise tint around my eyes and the four-inch line of new healing, pink skin puckered along on my forehead was a sympathy calling card I didn’t believe should be for me. It should be for the one who lost their life.
Bangs might cover that up. I hate bangs.
“I’m fine.” Maybe if I kept saying the two words, they’d come true.
On the dealership floor, the stares and silence made the ultra-shiny new cars in the room seem like the only things that had a voice.
Presley crossed the room and guided me into a hug. “I’m so glad you’re okay, Rory. If there’s anything Jude and I can do for you, please let us know.”
“Thank you.” I hugged her back.
Avery stepped up next and she tried so hard but she couldn’t hold her tears in. “If we had watched another…” Her arms rounded me. “I’m so sorry, Rory.”
“I’m fine.”
I actually did feel better to be out and seeing friends.
“Rory, I’m going to see if the test-drive vehicles are ready for you.”
I nodded to acknowledge Dad’s comment and he walked off.
“Rory?”
I recognized the voice but I didn’t want to turn around.
“Aurora?”
My legs weakened and his hand grabbed my arm to keep me upright. My chest tightened and my breaths rushed in and out. I couldn’t stop myself. My legs moved toward the door and in seconds, I was outside in the cold and running from the building.
“Rory! Please stop.” Drexel’s voice was tight and demanding. “Please!”
My boots skidded on the concrete. His fingers wove through mine and he pulled me in between two big SUVs.
I kept my face down.
His warm hand tried to tip my head up. “Hey, are you really fine?”
“Not really.” The tears started before I could tell myself not to cry.
His long arms wrapped around me. I pushed against his body, not wanting to give in. “Are you still in pain?”
“Only my heart.” I reluctantly relented and melded against his solid frame.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
I’d heard the same four words a hundred times and each time I wanted to believe them. There was something blocking my effort to accept what happened. I needed closure but I wasn’t sure how to get it.
I calmed, took a deep breath, and backed away. “I’ll be fine. Nobody needs to worry.” I shuffled back into the dealership.
“There you are,” Dad called from the front desk and I watched his gaze meet Drexel’s in a weird way.
“I was showing her one of the models we discussed yesterday,” Drexel returned.
Dad smiled at me, ignoring Drexel.
Drexel cleared his throat. “Mr. Jessen, would you be okay with me taking Rory out for the test-drives?”
“I thought I would do that, sweetie, but if you would like Drexel to do it”—Dad glanced between Drexel and me—“I guess that’ll work, too.”
“It’s fine, Dad. I’m sure you have things to get to.”
He’d already put his morning on hold for me. I didn’t want to take more of his valuable time.
“I do have a phone call, but of course you’re more important.” He wrapped his arm around me. His hugs almost made the world seem right.
“I’ll be fine with Drexel.” I didn’t know that for sure, but I wanted to believe it.
“Okay,” was all Dad said before turning for his office. His hesitancy and lack of parting words to Drexel were odd. But since he’d always been protective of me, I brushed it off.
Drexel grabbed his long winter coat from his office. “I’ll get the keys and bring the vehicles around front. If you want to wait here, I’ll be right back, Rory.” He smiled as he walked past me.
I walked into Dad’s office and waited there while he was off talking to the service department manager.
Soon there was a line of four fully loaded SUVs sitting out front. It was clear I should test-drive the one I liked the most on the outside, because when it came to vehicles, what was on th
e inside of the hood or dashboard never impressed me. Horsepower, independent suspension, upgrades, and more were terms I’d heard thrown around numerous times, but they meant so little to me that I didn’t pay attention to the salesperson’s rambling. Usually.
This lack of interest was mainly why I couldn’t take over the dealership in the future. No passion for the business, and I was never going to have that passion. I was hoping my brother had the same drive as Dad. If not, Dad would groom someone he considered family.
Drexel’s hand settled on my shoulder. “Rory, are you ready?”
I stood and Drexel followed on my heels.
Dad met us in the hallway. “Honey, are you sure you don’t want me to ride along? This will be the first time you’re back behind the wheel.”
I hadn’t thought of that. My palms started to sweat. I slid on my fur-lined gloves to cover the reaction. “I’ll be fine.”
“Seems like a lot of things are fine lately.” Dad’s eyes crinkled at the edges with concern but he walked away.
The words “I’m fine” were empty. Saying them was even starting to grate on my nerves. I could understand if they were having the same effect on him. There was just not much else to say. There was no way to say how I was really feeling because I wasn’t sure I even knew. Confused? Upset? Worried? Lost? All of the above? Plus, Dad seemed stressed about something else.
Drexel passed by us to hold the door open. His cologne entered my nose as I passed by him through the door. Warmth settled through my body as I enjoyed a scent unlike the last one I remembered him wearing. This one was soft and almost floral.
Outside, I asked, “New cologne?”
The massive, multiple-airbag, more-steel-than-a-high-rise vehicle reeked of fear and protective overkill from my father.
He smirked while helping me into the driver’s seat. “You didn’t like the last one, so I wore something different.”
I stilled. “You knew I was coming here?”
“Your dad texted Charlie this morning. He thought you were ready.”
Ready? That’s a hollow word.
He climbed into the passenger seat. My hands gripped the wheel as if it was going to jump out at me and I had to subdue it. I glanced from the steering wheel to Drexel and back to the steering wheel.
“Rory, if you’re not ready, no one is saying you have to be.” His calm and supportive voice would’ve been welcome any other day. Well, maybe not, but today I found it especially patronizing and grating.
I started the vehicle and drove off the lot. The vehicle was excess on wheels, all the bells and whistles I didn’t really want, but Dad wouldn’t let me drive off in something bare-bones.
I drove for almost twenty minutes. Silence had been a cocoon in my apartment, but with Drexel sitting next to me, it made me antsy and almost grumpy.
“Why aren’t you saying anything?” Part of me didn’t want him to talk, but at the same time I craved for him to talk. My heart ticked faster as every question of why he was quiet flashed through my head.
“What would you like to know about the vehicle?” He pulled the manual out of the glove box.
I stared at him when we came to a stop at the next light.
“I don’t want to know about the vehicle, Drexel. I want to know about you.”
Drexel’s head snapped to me and we stared at each other. A horn honked behind us and I jumped.
I stepped on the gas and was soon flying down the highway.
Screw the car! I want to know about you, Drex.
Chapter Eleven
Drexel
Rory wrung the wheel with her gloves until I thought the leather might ignite from friction.
“What did you mean?” I asked.
“I mean I want to know what is going on with you, Drexel.”
“I think we should get through the test-drive and maybe talk later about me.” I stared straight ahead.
“Stop being so nice. I don’t like it.”
“Rory, you’ve been through a pretty extreme life event. I don’t want to argue with you.” I stayed calm, noticing her breathing had started to quicken.
The vehicle accelerated past what was safe for the conditions and the speed limit.
“Rory, you need to slow down.”
She stared straight ahead, her breaths coming and going in pants.
I threw the manual to the floorboard. “Come on, Rory, please slow down. I’m worried about you.”
The vehicle continued rocketing down the street.
“Aurora Jessen, you need to fucking slow down. I thought I was going to lose you once, I can’t do it again!”
We veered off the side of the road and although I wanted to jump in and help her, I could tell she needed to be in control. As soon as we were stopped, I reached over and shoved the vehicle into park.
She sobbed into her hands, the sound like a small child. Maybe a memory from my past.
I turned the truck off and dropped the keys in my lap.
“Hey.” I slid my shaking hand into her hair and cupped the back of her neck. “Rory, please talk to me.”
As her wailing intensified, I removed my hand to unbuckle and reached for the passenger door handle to get out, but I stopped when she unbuckled her seat belt. I helped her as she crawled over the console onto my lap. In the fetal position, she cried for minutes. If there was something to say, I didn’t know what the fuck it was. I rubbed her back and she burrowed into me further. I tried to absorb whatever she was feeling into me. Her pain was visible and I should be able to feel something, too. Anything. But the massive line of snow I did this morning was robbing my ability to feel anything other than euphoric.
This sucks. No, it blows mountains and mountains of the white stuff.
“I hurt, Drexel.”
“Where? I’ll take you back to the hospital.”
“No, not my body … my heart.”
A part of me knew what she meant and how she felt, but telling her seemed condescending. I too felt responsible for someone’s death when I probably wasn’t. Sometimes it was easier to blame the person still living than the one who died. Plus, what right did I have to compare my feelings to hers? I covered mine up and she recognized hers. We were on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum.
“Aurora, I’m sorry this happened to you.” I brushed over her back, the move soothing both of us.
“Please stop being nice. I want to argue with you. I want to feel something other than sad.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Rory, after you’ve seen someone lying in a hospital bed, having a machine breathe for them, it’s hard to want to be flippant or joking about life. I was…” I wanted to say “scared” but that wasn’t the right word. Sure, I’d been scared in the moment, but what I’d felt was something more. I’d been comatose with her, both of us needing to wake up.
“Oh, I didn’t know you came to the hospital.”
“The night before you woke up.”
“Drex, I really wanted to see you the night of the accident.”
“I wanted to see you, too.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out a box. “I know it’s really late, but happy birthday, Aurora.”
She adjusted on my lap. “For me, really?” It was the first time she had genuinely smiled.
“Open it.”
She lifted the lid on the box. Her long fingers skimmed the shape of the pendant and hovered over the sapphire in the middle. Her sparkling eyes met mine. “It’s beautiful.”
“You are beautiful.” I may have said the words to other women, but I didn’t mean them, at least not like this.
She smiled again. All I knew was I wanted to keep that smile on her face.
“You don’t have to say that.” She dropped her head so her hair fell forward.
I tipped her head up and pushed her hair away from her face to see the large scar on her forehead. “And this scar only makes you more beautiful because you survived something to come back t
o us.” My lips skimmed the fresh skin. “Back to me.”
She stared into my eyes. Her dime-sized irises still shiny with tears fluttered and dropped to my mouth. She leaned forward.
I pulled my head back from her advancing lips. “Okay, let’s get you back to the dealership.”
“Why won’t you kiss me?”
“Mostly because I’m on the clock and kissing the boss’s daughter while he’s paying me seems … um, a little gigolo-like, and I’d prefer not to think of your dad as my pimp.”
She laughed and the sound was better than the rumble of my Roush Mustang.
I reached for the door handle. “I’ll drive us back to the dealership.”
“No, I’ll do it. I need to get past this fear.”
“Maybe you need more time?” I rubbed her back and she tucked her head under my chin.
She sighed. “I have to find a way to move on. I just can’t imagine how right now.”
“Go back to school?”
“I’ll have to wait until the fall semester and finish up then. I need to find a job.”
“Are you thinking of working at—”
“No!” She cringed at her volume. “Sorry. No, Drex, I don’t want to work at the Auto Mall. I worked at a preschool in high school. I think it might be good to be around little people who are full of life.”
“That makes sense. Someday I’d like to work with kids.”
Her mouth dropped open as she leaned back and eyed me suspiciously.
I chuckled. “I’m serious. I have a degree in social work, but I need to get my master’s in counseling to really do what I want to.”
She ran her hands up my coat and they teased along the neckline. “I can see you working with kids. There’s something about you. Oh, yeah, you’ve never grown up. You’d definitely connect with them.”
I chuckled that she was giving me a hard time. That was the Rory I knew.
I missed you.
“Probably,” I said, examining those eyes, more teal than blue today. “I just need to get my shit together.”
“I’d be glad to help you. I believe in you, Drexel. You can do whatever you want to.”
I dug my fingers into her neck as I guided her head closer. My lips hovered over hers with only a sliver of light between them. Her tongue slipped out and flicked my lips.