by G. M. Berrow
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For Banzai, who was the best kind of chaos
The Open Market
It was a peculiar day in Ponyville. No, it wasn’t one of those days where everything was just perfect and dandy. There was a slight crookedness to the position of the sun, an intangible strangeness to the shape of the clouds, and a funny feeling going around. Though, it is true that the day had begun like any other. First, with Princess Celestia raising the sun from her royal balcony in Canterlot. Everywhere across Equestria, ponies woke and began their days. In Ponyville, it always started with the sound of birds chirping their sweet morning song, followed by the bustle and shuffle of the little schoolponies trying not to be late for their first lesson, and finally, the townsponies trotting to their various social and work engagements with expectant smiles upon their faces.
Then, sometime around midmorning, it all went wrong. The familiar, wicked laughter started out soft, but grew louder with each minute. It echoed through the alleyways and whispered through the windowpanes of every cottage, café, and cake shop in town. The sound sent shivers down the townsponies’ spines, and sent them galloping straight back to their homes, waiting for the storm of chaos to pass.
But there was really nothing to fear. Discord the draconequus, the king of chaos and former tormentor of ponies, was now reformed—of all things! Unfortunately, he only had enough pony friends to count on one claw and one paw, so the residents of Ponyville still believed him to be an unpredictable terror. In fact, he was still unpredictable, but a little less of a terror.
“How unexpected of me to show up today!” he said, strolling through the streets with glee. “It’s been far too long.” Discord hadn’t visited Ponyville for a long while. The last time he’d popped up in town to see his new friends—Fluttershy, Princess Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity—he’d scared the colts and fillies of the school just by floating past. Discord’s friends had tried to comfort the young ponies and their angry parents, insisting that Discord meant them no harm. But the townsponies were still uneasy. What sort of kooky magic could he unleash on them for his own amusement? Would it be turning their homes upside down and lifting them into the sky? Perhaps Discord would transform the pet bunnies into scary long-legged creatures again! Or maybe he would simply change the order of the streets to watch the ponies stand there, scratching their manes in confusion, lost in their own town.
But Discord was not in Ponyville to cause trouble. He was here on a special, secret assignment. He took out the crumpled scroll that bore the Canterlot Castle crest and read it once again.
Dear Discord,
I’m glad to hear reports that you’ve been living well in Chaosville. Please send my kind regards to The Smooze. As you and I both know, your road to learning about the Magic of Friendship has been a rocky one. But one’s path in life is often full of detours, such as the incident involving Tirek. Today, I write to grant you an opportunity that I feel would further enrich your experience as a friend to all of ponykind.
This spring, the residents of Ponyville will join together for a common goal—the Spring Musical. I want you to partake in this community effort. If you are able to prove that you have worked as part of a team to make this event a success, I will gladly return a token of yours from days past. For it is only then that I can trust your commitment to becoming a permanent ally of Equestria.
Your Friend,
Princess Celestia
P.S. Do not tell anypony of this task.
When he’d received the letter at his cottage in Chaosville, Discord wasn’t sure what to do. He lived a quiet life in his tidy house. Why should he turn everything upside down just to help some little ponies? But then Discord remembered that he loved flipping things upside down, and also that he was quite bored. And then there was the little matter of this “item.” What could it be?
Discord had hidden several personal treasures and relics around Canterlot during his brief, chaotic reign over Equestria. In the days since he’d been freed from his statue in the gardens, he’d located almost all of them. Apparently, he was too good at hiding things, because a few still eluded the draconequus. If Celestia had accidentally found a simple-looking stone orb marked with the Crest of Chaos somewhere in the depths of the castle dungeons, then he would do anything to get it back. Discord’s heart quickened when he imagined holding it in his paw and claw once more.
But as much as he wanted his long-lost relic, Discord started to regret his decision to rush straight into town. He uselessly floated and aimlessly strolled and soon found himself just outside the Ponyville marketplace. Two Earth ponies trotted by with wagons hitched to their backs. They each had flowers for cutie marks and fresh bouquets of roses and lilies piled high in their wagons.
“A good day to you both,” said Discord, bowing dramatically and tipping a green top hat that had just appeared on his head out of nowhere. But rather than return his greeting, the flower salesponies screamed in horror and galloped back in the direction they’d come, leaving a trail of petals in their wake. “How rude!” Discord said, furrowing his bushy eyebrows. He picked up a fallen red rose and sniffed it. “With all the times I’ve visited, I practically live here in Ponyville! And yet these little ponies act as if they’ve never met me before.”
“Would ya like to live here?!” a scratchy voice exclaimed. “I can help with that.”
“Help with what?” Discord spun around. A stout yellow Unicorn with a thinning orange mane parted on one side had appeared. He had a cutie mark of a thatched cottage and a sneaky smile on his face. The pony held out his hoof, but Discord didn’t touch it.
“The name’s Martingale,” the pony said. “And sellin’ houses is my business. I can get ya into a new place as soon as today.” Martingale grinned, adding a wink for good measure. “If you’re interested, of course.”
“It seems that you’ve popped up at the perfect time,” Discord answered. “Something’s about to happen in Ponyville, and I must stick around for it.”
Great Potential!
“So,” Discord said as he followed Martingale. “What marvelous houses do you have to show the all-powerful king of chaos today?”
This was the first showing Martingale had booked in weeks, and he was silently cursing his luck that it had turned out to be for Discord, of all characters. He wasn’t quite sure if he trusted the beast after everything he’d done throughout history, but still, he needed a sale. Desperately.
“Ah yes, there it is on the corner!” Martingale pointed his hoof and straightened his purple polka-dot tie. “Right this way, Mr. Discord.”
Discord gasped as the house came into view. “Why, it’s hideous!” He put his left eagle claw over his mouth in shock. Below it, a devilish smirk began to form.
“Well, it is a bit of a fixer-upper, but the place has great potential,” explained Martingale with a forced smile. “Lots of light. And the garden is top-notch, I assure you! Just top-notch. You’re gonna love it! Just let me check something first.” The yellow Unicorn stallion trotted to the side of the house and peeked at the back garden. It was overgrown with weeds, and several anthills had sprung up sinc
e his last visit to the wretched property. “I mean, the front garden is the one with the nice, er…view,” he improvised. “Go ahead, sir. Take a look yourself.”
“I do love a good view,” Discord admitted, and floated his brown, snake-like body up to the side of the second floor. He crossed his legs, lounging back on an invisible chair to take in the surroundings. He wrinkled his nose. All he could see was the back of another quaint cottage.
“That house is blocking my view,” Discord noted. “I’ll just have to move it.”
“Well, I don’t know if the neighbors would like that very much but—”
“The neighbors!” Discord laughed. “How pleasant. They’ll learn to cooperate quite quickly, don’t you think?” Discord snapped his claw, and the house magically shifted over to the next street. A scream came from inside the cottage. Martingale chuckled nervously and loosened his tie.
“Unless you have another house to show me?” Discord asked with a smile.
“Actually, no,” Martingale admitted. “Ponyville is very popular at the moment. There was a bit of a housing boom after Princess Twilight’s castle showed up. Not that we had too many empty cottages to begin with.…” Martingale slumped down.
“Is that so?” The draconequus raised one of his bushy white eyebrows and stared down the Unicorn. “And all that’s left is this hideous monstrosity on the edge of town? Surely you can do better than this, Mr. Nightingale.”
“It’s Martingale—”
“Look, this house is in absolute shambles,” exclaimed Discord with a smirk, throwing his arms up. The beast pretended to scowl. He began to float back and forth in the air, pointing his one lion’s paw at each of the property’s many flaws. “The shutters are falling off, the floorboards are wonky, and the color is absolutely atrocious.”
“So is that a no?” Martingale tried to hide his disappointment, but his face had begun to form a frown.
“On the contrary…” Discord cackled. “It’s perfect!” He spun around and magically appeared in a fancy pin-striped business suit and shoes with spats. “Care to make a deal?”
Home Chaotic Home
“Thank Celestia, I never thought I’d get this dud off my hooves.…” Martingale let out a sigh of relief and smiled. “I mean—this is a top-notch property, it is! Ahem.”
“Bits or IOU?” Discord asked, and dumped out his wallet onto the dying grass in the front yard. Three pebbles, several candy wrappers, an old smelly boot, and a pack of spinach-flavored dental floss fell out. “Well, barn it. No bits on me. IOU, it is,” chuckled Discord, leading the confused pony up the front walk and outside the picket fence. “Not to worry, old chap, I’ve got stacks and stacks upon towers of them back in Chaosville. As soon as I pop back there to grab my essentials, you’ll have it in your hot little hooves.”
Martingale frowned. “But I only take bits.…”
“Be right backsies!” The draconequus disappeared with a loud Pop! Martingale had barely registered what had happened before the beast reappeared once more. Only this time, a mountain of boxes labeled with the words NEW PONYVILLE HOUSE accompanied him. He sauntered past them and passed a slip of beet-juice-stained parchment to the pony.
“What’s this?” Martingale began squinting as he read it aloud robotically. “I, Discord, the most powerful and chaotic resident of Ponyville, owe you one unique payment of my choosing, payable upon my full satisfaction of the premises and experience here, also—hey! Wait right there…”
“Ah, ah, ah!” Discord singsonged as he wagged his pointy claw, magically zipping the lips of the stallion. “No arguing, Random Inconsequential Pony.” Martingale tried to speak but the words couldn’t escape. He just sounded muffled and annoyed.
“What’s that?” teased Discord. He held his lion’s paw to his right ear and leaned down so that his deer antler almost brushed the pony’s orange mane. “It’s a deal? Great!” Discord pointed at the pony’s foreleg, and he magically obeyed, lifting his hoof and pressing it to a tie-dyed rainbow inkpad. Martingale struggled against the spell, but he couldn’t resist placing it on the contract. Discord smiled and swished his claw to the left, through the air. Suddenly his signature, resembling a tornado, appeared on the scroll as well. “Splendid!” A red SOLD sign swung down from the one that said FOR SALE.
“But I didn’t want to make that deal!” Martingale’s words spilled out of his mouth as soon as they were unzipped. He trotted up to Discord and shoved the parchment at him with a frown. “And you didn’t even pay me!”
“Then why did you agree to do business with me, silly fellow?”
Martingale’s eyes darted around in a panic as he searched for an answer that might not make the situation worse. But when he opened his mouth to speak, nothing came out.
“Cat got your tongue again?” Discord giggled. He floated over a black-and-white kitty that was batting something small and pink around. Martingale galloped over, distraught. “Muhhh uuung!”
Discord rolled his eyes and clapped his claw and paw together. The tongue was magically returned to Martingale’s mouth.
“Stop stealing my ability to speak, you…you…beast!” Martingale stomped his yellow hoof into the dirt. “I should have never shown you any houses in Ponyville at all, not even this one. You just bring chaos everywhere you go!”
“Chaos? Moi?” Discord batted his extra large yellow eyes with mismatched red pupils. A glowing halo materialized above his horns. “When have I ever been involved in a thing like that?” The perpetual smirk on his lips couldn’t hold itself back.
The pony scoffed. “There’s no way that this contract is legally binding. I’m taking this to the mayor!”
Discord began to unpack his first box, labeled with a sticker that said LEFT SOCKS AND KITCHEN SINKS. “Oh, goody, it’ll save me the trouble of going over there. Tell her I can’t wait until our bridge game on Thursday afternoon. I’m bringing the seven-layer bean dip.”
Martingale grumbled something to himself as he trotted away toward town hall.
“Toodles! Do consider bringing back a noodle casserole to welcome me to the neighborhood!” Discord shouted with a gleeful smile. Then he turned on his hoof and surveyed his front lawn, beginning to visualize the improvements that needed to be made to the grounds.
Soon, things were looking much more haphazard and ugly, which was such a relief. Discord was proud of the purple and yellow zigzags he’d painted on the exterior, the collection of broken kitchen sinks now arranged in the front garden, and the variety of squeaks and creaks he’d added to the floor so that each step was a symphony of utter unpleasantness to the ears.
Discord smiled to himself as he unpacked the last box, containing a tea set that had been a Hearth’s Warming gift from Fluttershy. It was the only pretty thing he owned. In all honesty, he actually found it quite unsightly, but he cherished it because it represented his very first friend.
“That reminds me,” Discord mused. “The only thing this house needs now is somepony to laugh and gossip with. Then it will be nauseatingly perfect.” He snapped his claws and teleported to a familiar little cottage on the outskirts of Ponyville.
“Oh, Fluttershyyyy!” he called out, skipping toward the door and causing all the tiny birds to fly away in surprise. “You’ll never guess who just moved to Ponyville.” He knocked on the door three times, but there was no answer. So he kicked down the door. “It’s me! Now your best pal Discord is only a hop, skip, and a jump away from you at all times.” But nopony replied. In fact, it was completely dark inside. A basket of sleeping kittens stretched themselves awake, and a pair of ferrets came out of a small toy tunnel and yawned. “Ah, of course. It’s afternoon naptime for the critters. Fluttershy always goes out then so she doesn’t disturb them.” Discord scratched his white goatee in deep thought. “Where could that little winged lemon drop be today?”
A door swung open, and Angel Bunny appeared, looking nothing short of annoyed. He frowned and thrust out his tiny white paw at the massive intruder, s
hoving a colorful piece of paper into Discord’s left goat’s hoof.
“What’s this, my fretful, furry, fairweather friend?” Discord’s eyes quickly scanned the page. “Fluttershy’s at the auditions for the Ponyville Players Spring Musical?” Discord’s eyes grew wide. “That’s my cue!”
Angel Bunny crossed his arms over his chest and hopped onto a big red button that slammed the door right in Discord’s face. “Well, that was quite rude. Bad bunny!” Discord sent a zap of magic through the window that caused Angel’s legs to grow as tall as a giraffe’s. Discord chuckled as he watched the bunny wobble around in confusion, and then changed him back to normal again. It was an old trick, but a classic one.
“It feels so strange to be living in Ponyville,” Discord marveled as he floated off toward the theater. “But I think I can make it work.” He spent the rest of the trip thinking of all the delicious ways that one might cause mischief during a stage production. There were far too many to count, which was just the right number for him.
The Ponyville Players
Discord watched from afar as the eager thespian ponies filed into the entrance of the theater, dressed in their finest audition clothes. Discord rolled his eyes. “How dreadful. But…I suppose I must look the part as well if I’m to impress these picky little ponies. Especially that Rarity.” With a tap of his toe, Discord was draped from head to tail in his most dramatic outfit—a billowy white shirt, a brown velvet waistcoat, and black pants that puffed out like two balloons. Around his neck was a frilly white ruff that extended far past his shoulders. “Now they’ll take me seriously.”
As Discord made his way into the theater, he took no notice of the scared onlookers darting away at the sight of him. Many townsponies had chalked up the news of Discord moving into Ponyville to be a silly rumor. But he was actually here! “Ahhhh!” screamed Sea Swirl, a light purple Unicorn with a cutie mark of two dolphins. She dropped some script pages on the ground and took off in a gallop toward Sugarcube Corner.