Lords and Ladies

by Terry Pratchett

Page 22

  “Its our duty to the community,” said Thatcher, again.

  “Make-believe is bound to be all right,” said Jason, uncertainly.

  Clang boinng clang ding . . .

  The sound echoed around Lancre.

  Grown men, digging in their gardens, flung down their spades and hurried for the safety of their cottages . . .

  Clang boinnng goinng ding . . .

  Women appeared in doorways and yelled desperately for their children to come in at once . . .

  . . . BANG buggrit Dong boinng . . .

  Shutters thundered shut. Some men, watched by their frightened families, poured water on the fire and tried to stuff sacks up the chimney . . .

  Nanny Ogg lived alone, because she said old people needed their pride and independence. Besides, Jason lived on one side, and he or his wife whatshername could easily be roused by means of a boot applied heavily to the wall, and Shawn lived on the other side and Nanny had got him to fix up a long length of string with some tin cans on it in case his presence was required. But this was only for emergencies, such as when she wanted a cup of tea or felt bored.

  Bond drat clang . . .

  Nanny Ogg had no bathroom but she did have a tin bath, which normally hung on a nail on the back of the privy. Now she was dragging it indoors. It was almost up the garden, after being bounced off various trees, walls, and garden gnomes on the way.

  Three large black kettles steamed by her fireside. Beside them were half a dozen towels, the loofah, the pumice stone, the soap, the soap for when the first soap got lost, the ladle for fishing spiders out, the waterlogged rubber duck with the prolapsed squeaker, the bunion chisel, the big scrubbing brush, the small scrubbing brush, the scrubbing brush on a stick for difficult crevices, the banjo, the thing with the pipes and spigots that no one ever really knew the purpose of, and a bottle of Klatchian Nights bath essence, one drop of which could crinkle paint.

  Bong clang slam . . .

  Everyone in Lancre had learned to recognize Nannys pre-ablutive activities, out of self-defense.

  “But it aint April!” neighbours told themselves, as they drew the curtains.

  In the house just up the hill from Nanny Oggs cottage Mrs. Skindle grabbed her husbands arm.

  “The goats still outside!”

  “Are you mad? I aint going out there! Not now!”

  “You know what happened last time! It was paralysed all down one side for three days, man, and we couldnt get it down off the roof!”

  Mr. Skindle poked his head out of the door. It had all gone quiet. Too quiet.

  “Shes probably pouring the water in,” he said.

  “Youve got a minute or two,” said his wife. “Go on, or well be drinking yoghurt for weeks. ”

  Mr. Skindle took down a halter from behind the door, and crept out to where his goat was tethered near the hedge. It too had learned to recognize the bathtime ritual, and was rigid with apprehension.

  There was no point in trying to drag it. Eventually he picked it up bodily.

  There was a distant but insistent sloshing noise, and the bonging sound of a floating pumice stone bouncing on the side of a tin bath.

  Mr. Skindle started to run.

  Then there was the distant tinkle of a banjo being tuned.

  The world held its breath.

  Then it came, like a tornado sweeping across a prairie.

  “AAaaaaeeeeeee-”

  Three flowerpots outside the door cracked, one after the other. Shrapnel whizzed past Mr. Skindles ear.

  “-wizzaaardsah staaafff has a knobontheend, knobontheend-”

  He threw the goat through the doorway and leapt after it. His wife was waiting, and slammed the door shut behind him.

  The whole family, including the goat, got under the table.

  It wasnt that Nanny Ogg sang badly. It was just that she could hit notes which, when amplified by a tin bath half full of water, ceased to be sound and became some sort of invasive presence.

  There had been plenty of singers whose high notes could smash a glass, but Nannys high C could clean it.

  The Lancre Morris Men sat glumly on the turf, passing an earthenware jug between them. It had not been a good rehearsal.

  “Dont work, does it?” said Thatcher. “Snot funny, that I do know,” said Weaver. “Cant see the king killing himself laughing at us playing a bunch of mechanical artisans not being very good at doin a play. ”

  “Youre just no good at it,” said Jason. “Were sposed to be no good at it,” said Weaver. “Yeah, but youre no good at acting like someone whos ho good at acting,” said Tinker. “I dont know how, but you aint. You cant expect all the fine lords and ladies-”

  A breeze blew over the moor, tasting of ice at midsummer.

  “-to laugh at us not being any good at being no good at acting. ”

  “I dont see whats funny about a bunch of rude artisans trying to do a play anyway,” said Weaver.

  Jason shrugged.

  “It says all the gentry-”

  A tang on the wind, the sharp tin taste of snow . . .

  “-in Ankh-Morpork laughed at it for weeks and weeks,” he said. “It was on Broad Way for three months. ”

  “Whats Broad Way?”

  “Thats where all the theatres are. The Dysk, Lord Wynkins Men, the Bearpit . . . ”

  “Theyd laugh at any damn thing down there,” said Weaver. “Anyway, they all think were all simpletons up here. They all think we say oo-aah and sings daft folk songs and has three brain cells huddlin together for warmth cos of drinking scumble all the time. ”

  “Yeah. Pass that jug. ”

  “Swish city bastards. ”

  “They dont know what its like to be up to the armpit in a cows backside on a snowy night. Hah!”

  “And there aint one of em that - whatre you talking about? You aint got a cow. ”

  “No, but I know what its like. ”

  “They dont know what its like to get one wellie sucked off in a farmyard full of gyppoe and that horrible moment where you waves the foot around knowin that wherever you puts it down its going to go through the crust. ”

  The stoneware jug glugged gently as it was passed from hand to unsteady hand.

  “True. Thats very true. And you ever seen em Morris dancing? ”Muff to make you hang up your hanky. "

  “What, Morris dancing in a city?”

  “Well, down in Sto Helit, anyway. Bunch o soft wizards and merchants. I watched em a whole hour and there wasnt even a groinin. ”

  “Swish city bastards. Comin up here, takin our jobs. . . ”

  “Dont be daft. They dont know what a proper job is. ”

  The jug glugged, but with a deeper tone, suggesting that it contained a lot of emptiness.

  “Bet theyve never been up to the armpit-”

  “The point is. The point is. The point. The point is. Hah. All laughin at decent rude artisans, eh? I mean. I mean. I mean. Whats it all about? I mean. I mean. I mean. Plays all about some mechanical. . . rude buggers makin a pigs ear out of doin a play about a bunch of lords and ladies-”

  A chill in the air, sharp as icicles . . .

  “It needs something else. ”

  “Right. Right. ”

  “A mythic element. ”

  “Right. My point. My point. My point. Needs a plot they can go home whistlin. Exactly. ”

  “So it should be done here, in the open air. Open to the sky and the hills. ”

  Jason Ogg wrinkled his brows. They were always pretty wrinkled anyway, whenever he was dealing with the complexities of the world. Only when it came to iron did he know exactly what to do. But he held up a wavering finger and tried to count his fellow thespians. Given that the jug was now empty, this was an effort. There seemed, on average, to be seven other people. But he had a vague, nagging feeling that something wasnt right.

  “Out here,” he said, uncertainly.

  “Good idea,” said Weaver.

&n
bsp; “Wasnt it your idea?” said Jason.

  “I thought you said it. ”

  “I thought you did. ”

  “Who cares who said it?” said Thatcher. “Sa good idea. Seems . . . right. ”

  “What was that about the miffic quality?”

  “Whats miffic?”

  “Something youve got to have,” said Weaver, theatrical expert. “Very important, your miffics. ”

  “Me mam said no one was to go-” Jason began.

  “We shant be doing any dancing or anything,” said Carter. “I can see you dont want people skulking around up here by emselves, doin magic. But it cant be wrong if everyone comes here. I mean, the king and everyone. Your mam, too. Hah, Id like to see any girls with no drawers on get past her!”

  “I dont think its just-” Jason began.

  “And the other onell be there, too,” said Weaver.

  They considered Granny Weatherwax.

  “Cor, she frightens the life out of me, her,” said Thatcher, eventually. “The way she looks right through you. I wouldnt say a word against her, mark you, a fine figure of a woman,” he said loudly, and then added rather more quietly, “but they do say she creeps around the place onights, as a hare or a bat or something. Changes her shape and all. Not that I believes a word of it,” he raised his voice, then let it sink again, “but old Weezen over in Slice told me once he shot a hare in the leg one night and next day she passed him on the lane and said Ouch and gave him a right ding across the back of his head. ”

  “My dad said,” said Weaver, “that one day he was leading our old cow to market and it took ill and fell down in the lane near her cottage and he couldnt get it to move and he went up to her place and he knocked on the door and she opened it and before he could open his mouth she said, ”Yer cows ill, Weaver“ . . . just like that . . . And then she said-”

  “Was that the old brindled cow what your dad had?” said Carter.

  “No, it were my uncle had the brindled cow, we had the one with the crumpled horn,” said Weaver. “Anyway-”

  “Could have sworn it was brindled,” said Carter. “I remember my dad looking at it over the hedge one day and saying, Thats fine brindling on that cow, you dont get brindling like that these days. That was when you had that old field alongside Cabbs Well. ”

  “We never had that field, it was my cousin had that field,” said Weaver. “Anyway-”

  “You sure?”

  “Anyway,” said Weaver, she said, “You wait there, Ill give you something for it,” and she goes out into her back kitchen and comes back with a couple of big red pills, and she-"

  “Howd it get crumpled, then?” said Carter.

  “-and she gave him one of the pills and said, What you do, you raise the old cows tail and shove this pill where the sun dont shine, and in half a minute shell be up and running as fast as she can, and he thanked her, and then as he was going out of the door he said, Whats the other pill for? and she gave him a look and said, Well, you want to catch her, dont you?”

  “Thatd be that deep valley up near Slice,” said Carter.

  They looked at him.

  “What, exactly, are you talking about?” said Weaver.

  “Its right behind the mountain,” said Carter, nodding knowingly. “Very shady there. Thats what she meant, I expect. The place where the sun doesnt shine. Long way to go for a pill, but I suppose thats witches for you. ”